OPEN YOUR EYES
Chapter 1: Indecisive - Amy
The only miracle, in my life, is that your dad pulled out a map and decided to move here. The only miracle…
A miracle. I'd told him he was a miracle. Of course he was going to do something like kiss me. I would've done the same thing if I was him. Or would I have?
I glanced over at my alarm clock, the only form of light in my room. 3:55. I really had to get some sleep, but from the way things were going, until I sorted out what I was thinking, I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep.
God, this was all so confusing. When he kissed me, I didn't know what to think. I didn't think. Colin's name didn't run through my head once. Nothing ran through my head. There was nothing. Just feeling. A feeling that really scared me, and I didn't know why.
I shut my eyes tightly, as if it would block out all these thoughts of Ephram. Colin. Colin didn't know I was. I didn't even know if Colin really loved me. He'd never had the chance to tell me. And now, maybe he never would.
Ephram. I knew he liked me. I didn't know anything beyond that. Except that he was amazing. And witty, intelligent, and caring, and…
Colin. I loved him. I had an attachment to him. I had to stick with him, stand by him, no matter what. Colin and me, we had a history together. We'd shared our lives…
Ephram, I've shared more with you than I have shared with anyone in my entire life. Why did I say that then? Was time really so important?
Stop contradicting yourself, I scolded myself. God, how can I decide between two completely different people? How am I supposed to know for sure? Colin is recovering from a coma. Ephram is alive and well. Could the thing I like about Ephram be that he can do things Colin can't? Like, talk to me and hug me…no, it goes so much deeper than that. No, no, no. This wasn't going the way I wanted it. I wasn't supposed to like Ephram. I don't like Ephram, I convinced myself. He was just supposed to be my savior, someone to bring back Colin for me. That's all I'd planned for him. Why did he have to be such a good person? Why couldn't he have been an asshole? Then I could've gotten him to get his dad to do the surgery, and then dropped him. Easily. But it didn't happen that way.
I wanted what I didn't want. I didn't want what I wanted. And I didn't know what I wanted. I was driving myself insane, absolutely crazy, and for a moment I wished I couldn't think. I do not like Ephram. I love Colin. Colin. Colin, who doesn't even know me, let alone love me, but in time he will.
I finally came to a conclusion that the only reason I'd kissed Ephram for as long as I did was because I was imagining it was Colin, and I'd pulled away when I realized it wasn't. At last, though still torn by some uncertainty, I was somewhat comforted and was able to close my eyes and begin to drift off. But, a few moments later, the second I finally got comfortable, my eyes snapped open in shock. Because I realized my conclusion was undeniably wrong.
I knew it was Ephram. I was fully aware of that the whole time. And the reason I'd pulled away, it wasn't because I regretted anything. It was because it scared me. Honestly, I was afraid that Colin would find out. I was afraid that I might have wasted all my time on something that would never be again. I was afraid that I might lose Colin.
But the scariest thing about that kiss, I realized, was that I liked it.
Really liked it.