OPEN YOUR EYES

Chapter 2: Different Now - Ephram

It was just a spur of the moment thing, I told myself. I didn't really mean to kiss her. Useless. I knew very well that wasn't the case. I'm not that great at lying to myself.

"Want pancakes?" Startled that someone else was in the room, I snapped my head off the table and responded with a quick, "No!"

"Alright," my dad sighed, disapproval almost materializing his long breath. Dad. It sounded like such a normal and friendly word. Well, then I guess I shouldn't be calling him that. He was The Great Dr. Brown. Right. He disapproved that I didn't want to eat his shitty cooking or believe in this new parenting stunt he was trying to pull off. It didn't matter if he made pancakes or was a family doctor or wanted to take me camping. My dad was still an asshole. He hadn't been there for me before, and he wasn't there for me then. And besides, it was all just some stupid act, and I knew that it wouldn't last much longer. One of these days, the whole thing would blow over, and my dad would be an even bigger asshole.

The other day he'd actually made an attempt to talk to me about Amy. Like I was going to tell him anything. I couldn't even figure her out in my head, let alone with actual words. And telling him would be like telling a complete stranger off the street my whole life story.

I finally noticed that my dad had never left the room. I watched as he made a feeble attempt to flip over those stupid pancakes, knocking over the rest of the batter in the process. Mocking words were at the tip of my tongue, and I almost let them out—but at the very last second, I fought them. Because he wasn't doing anything. He was just standing there with this pathetic look of utter defeat, staring at the mess with the face of someone who knows he's been beaten. For once, he wasn't trying to fix anything. I almost felt sorry for him. It was like he had—human emotions. Yeah, that's funny—human emotions? From the Great Dr. Brown? I suppressed bitter laughter and sauntered out of the room.

                It was official: I'd completely screwed things up with Amy. After church on Sunday, I'd asked her how Colin was, and she completely ignored me. Everything was different now. Different because of me.

                But hadn't she responded when I kissed her? Or did I imagine that part?

                I sighed and lay back on my bed. My room—that was my sanctuary. Safe from psycho fathers and heart-breaking girls. Safe from making any kind of stupid mistakes like a kissing a girl who has a boyfriend in a coma. Safe from all the Everwoodians with their unfamilar customs and small-town ways.

From the first day we arrived here, I knew I'd have to make my room a place that I liked. I knew I wouldn't be getting out much—but I didn't know why just then. When most people paint their rooms, they leave the ceiling white and paint the walls in a color they like. They say when you paint the ceiling, it closes in the room, making it feel like a box. Making you feel trapped. Me, on the other hand—I'd painted the walls in a vague grayish color, and done the ceiling as well. I liked that closed-in, trapped feeling. It gave me a feeling of comfort, like nobody could come in. When I finally finished painting that room, I felt so sure that this room would be safe from everybody.

Unfortunately, I didn't count on meeting a girl like Amy. Everywhere I went, she followed. She was in my head. And she even followed me right into my room, my sanctuary, I suddenly realized, because even though I was trying my hardest to think about anything but her—it wasn't working.

I couldn't expect her to just get rid of Colin, could I? Well…that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted Colin to never remember Amy and for her to just give him up for me. I wanted for Amy and Colin's relationship to never have existed. I wanted Colin to just disappear.

I wish we'd never move to this goddamned place…I wish I'd never met Amy.

A bitter laugh escaped my throat as I remembered something I'd seen somewhere—I don't know, a bumper sticker somewhere, probably. A billboard. 'Tis better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. Yeah, right. If it was a one sided love, you lost from the beginning. And you wish you'd never loved in the first place.

So I guess this is how he feels. My…dad. Loving someone who can't love you back…simply because they just can't.