OPEN YOUR EYES

Chapter 6: For the Best – Ephram

                I didn't sleep that night.

                Or did I? It hadn't felt like sleeping, but I undeniably remember this dream I kept having. Like a song skipping on a broken CD, repeating over and over but not allowing me to finish it. You can't dream unless you're sleeping, right? At least I think it was a dream.

                My mouth was on hers, for not but a second when Amy pushed me away and looked at me with this immense—hatred. And then I yelled at her…not words, really, but some kind of jibberish. Then my words finally became clear—I was saying over and over, "Get out of my life!" Finally, I turned around, and went to go inside, but something made me turn around. It was her voice, sweetly calling, "Wait! I have something to tell you!" I spun around but before I was far enough to see her—suddenly everything was gone, there was only white, and then the dream would play over again.

                I had yelled at her. And said some pretty harsh things, most of which I had meant. She had been selfish, manipulating…but I knew another side to her, too.

                Yeah, the side she only had when anyone even remotely in relations with Colin wasn't around.

                Part of me was congratulating myself. All right, Ephram, finally getting control of your life again! Finally getting control of your heart! But the other part of me was recognizing that in me finally opening up, we would never be friends again, and nor would she be in life anymore. It was goodbye.

                And I suppose I wanted it that way. This is the best thing for you. She wasn't doing anything but screwing you up inside. Now you have a free heart, not tied down to her anymore. Now you go fall for whoever the hell you want.

                But I didn't believe that. I had tried so hard not to like Amy when I found out she had a boyfriend. I wanted so badly to blame her stealing my heart, but how could I? What had she done, other than be beautiful and nice and a friend? You can't help who you fall in love with. You can choose who you date, who you marry, who you spend your time with…but once a person is thrown into your heart, they're not leaving until someone out there, decides your time is up. There's only room for one person in there. If Amy had only looked a little deeper into hers…maybe she would have seen who it really was.

                And even if who I wanted to be in her heart had really been there, now it was too late. After tonight's events, I was completely banished from her heart. It didn't matter if I was the one filling it, or if only a tiny piece of me had managed to fight its way in there beside Colin. And it was time for me to…well, I'd survive without her. I had been fine before I ever met her. Okay, so I wasn't. But my mom just died! God…Mom…why can't she be here? None of this shit would have happened.

                I barely acknowledged the tear that had somehow dared to fall, and tried to get off of that subject. I hated thinking about it, because when I did, I was transformed into this other me, a me that may as well be dead and a me that had no reason to live. When I was yelling at my dad, I could refer to life without Mom, because even though I hated him, he was closest living connection I had to Mom, and that gave me reason for living. But when I was alone…it was a completely different story. I had learned to block those kinds of thoughts out whenever I felt them coming.

                Fine, but in terms of my love life, I wasn't suffering without her. Sure, I had sort of a lack of a love life, but it was probably better than living with a broken heart all the time.

                And so the time had come for me to let go. Move on.

                There was a dull ache in my heart when morning finally rolled around. It was empty, and the pain was its silent cry to refill it. It's over, I convinced myself. Sh'es gone.

***

                God, it was already Monday. Basically my weekend had sucked. Saturday, I hung around the house, moping, until Delia finally made me take her see the Wild Thornberry movie. I must have looked seriously pathetic for Delia to think she had to get me out of the house.

                And then Sunday, my dad insisted we go to church, insisted that we go every week from there on. I just love how he finally cares, I had thought, as I'd rolled my eyes at his very suggestion. I think the thing that killed me most about church was that Amy's family went every week. I didn't need to see her all the time after I had finally decided to toss her out of my mind. My life.

                My dad, being the complete ignorant moron he is, just had to drag me and Delia over to the Abbott family as we left church, to bicker with Dr. Abbott, say hello to and exchange idle chitchat with Mrs. Abbott, and of course—ask Amy how Colin was.

                I tried to avoid listening to her answer, but curiosity got to the best of me. I pretended to be deeply involved watching my little sister's attempts to flirt with a boy who was much older than her but had a much lower IQ than she did, but my ears were elsewhere.

                "He's doing great!" she exclaimed. I could just picture that smile, spreading across her face like—Oh cut it out, Ephram. For the sake of curiosity only, just listen. "At first he didn't even know who I was…but then I went to visit last night, and he said my name! And then he asked me if I remembered how he called me Grover. He's remembering things, again. It's wonderful."

"Yes, absolutely a miracle. He's practically normal again," Dr. Abbott cut in. You could hear the smirking in his voice, as he implied that's Colin's recovery was solely a miracle and had nothing to do with my father's work on him. And I could tell he was directing his little comment at me too…silently telling me to back off. He'd never liked me.

"Well, that's great," my dad responded enthusiastically. Obviously choosing to overlook Dr. Abbott's implications, he added, "I'm glad the operation's had such a positive effect."

With that, we were dragged off again.

And now, it was Monday again. Monday meaning school. School meaning a place where Amy could be anywhere. I could run into her any second and have to face her.

I didn't. I don't think she was in school that day. I overheard Kayla saying something about her spending the day in Denver with Colin, so I guess that's where she was.

But then on Tuesday, third period, I was coming out of English, head in the clouds, silently bitching over the fact that Mrs. Lauwer had given me a C on that abortion paper I'd been up all of Sunday night typing. I mean, come on, I deserved at least a B solely for the fact that I sacrificed four hours of sleep. But anyway, Amy was walking into the class, and her thoughts were probably somewhere else too, because we walked straight into each other.

I looked at her upon impact. She looked at me. I broke the tension by responding with a casual, "Sorry." I shrugged my shoulders, noticing that her brow began to furrow, and walked off.

I had treated her as though we had never shared such deep thoughts, never kissed, let alone even ever met, and the way she looked at, I thought, held a similar significance. We were over. There would never be an us again. Not as friends, not as enemies, not as anything more. We were just two people who could no longer be associated.

                And I think I was kind of okay with it.

                But the thought of me being okay with that…well, it scared me.