OPEN YOUR EYES

Chapter 9: Where Are You? – Amy

                When Colin had his accident, I'd told myself life couldn't ever get any worse. Apparently, I hadn't known what life would be like after he woke up.

                It had been two months his eyes had opened. And he was doing well, I guess. He remembered things. He remembered his parents, he remembered ballet recitals, he remembered my stupid Grover doll. He asked me a lot of questions about his life, and then his eyes would light up when I answered and he would say, "I remember!" He was even back in school, and he remembered some people. But it was different. This was a new Colin. He threw himself all over Katie Ellen, who didn't have the heart to tell him they were broken up, since long ago. I didn't have to heart to watch them together. Only when I was around did she try to keep him off of her. I kept a close watch on them. He didn't play basketball anymore. His favorite show was the Simpsons, and he was friends with my friends. He could write and read and do some math, but he couldn't remember recent things and was getting a lot of extra help. I didn't know this Colin. The Colin I knew hated Katie for dumping him and swore he'd never talk to "that bitch" again. The Colin I knew was the star of the basketball team. He watched the Simpsons, but he hated my friends because they were all so snobby. "How do you hang out with them? They're so…fake. And you're so down-to-earth and…well, real." The Colin I knew…he was always so smart, always helping me with my homework. I never figured out how my brother the idiot and Colin became friends.

                I spent most of my time at his house or with him and Bright, walking around town, showing him places and things, trying to make him remember. He remembered most of it at the time, and if not, he'd remember it later. Watching him see everything…it broke my heart. Once, when I was about ten, I saw my baby cousin open her eyes for the first time. She looked around, and there was just so much wonder in her eyes, because she was seeing the world for the first time. And Colin, well, I didn't want to admit it, but he was too.

When we were together, he treated me like Bright's sister, and nothing more. Well, maybe sometimes a friend, but not a close one, just one he had to hang out with. A tag-along. At first, he and Bright had walked together like strangers. And then, after a few days, Colin suddenly broke out into a grin and launched into his and Bright's famous handshake. And then things were okay with them. Although he didn't remember everything they'd been through, exactly, he remembered the feelings. He remembered that best friend bond they shared, and that was what mattered, because even if they didn't have all the memories, they could make new ones.

                As for me…well, Colin remembered me. He remembered what he called me. He remembered that he told his parents that Grover the doll kicked him in the nuts once. He remembered that he'd gone off searching for me on a field trip. He even remembered that time I told him I'd never been kissed, and he kissed me. But he didn't remember why! He wondered. He asked me, even. I said nothing but "I don't know". Because…honestly, now I was sure that I didn't know why. I should have told him it was because he liked me. But I couldn't tell him that, because how did I really know? Colin had so many girlfriends before me. And the day at Buck's Rock…he never responded when I said I…loved him.

                I'd begged and pleaded for Bright, my parents, his parents, my friends…not to tell him anything about me and him. I told them not to tell him I was his girlfriend. When they'd asked why, I said I wanted him to remember on his own. And at the time, I'd believed it.

                And Ephram…he was gone from my life, but in a way, he wasn't really gone at all. He was kind of everywhere, but when I was with Colin, I could focus all my thoughts on Colin's recovery and away from Ephram. And then there were times like these, where I was alone in my room, lying on my bed, just thinking, where he'd jump into my head. For a few minutes, I'd allow myself to think back and wonder about him. What did he do now? I saw him in school, every now and then, sitting alone in the cafeteria, always accompanied by headphones and his homework or a comic book, generally the latter. He never looked up and noticed me, never acknowledged my presence as I walked past his table. And then I saw him after school at ballet. I'd sometimes steal quick looks at him, but I never caught him looking at me, not even for a second. He was so wrapped up in his music, that he never looked at anyone while playing. Those days of him taking a quick second away and smiling at me while I danced, and then our casual conversations after practice…they were gone. I would dash out of ballet as soon as it was over and run to meet with Colin and Bright. I saw him around town sometimes, when I was with Colin. He wouldn't even look at me. He was usually alone, sometimes with his sister. Sometimes he would be laughing, but only if he was with his sister. Once Delia came over to say hello to me and Bright, and to meet Colin, I guess, and I wondered where Ephram had disappeared off to. I almost asked her, but then stopped myself. I didn't want Colin to know I had any relations with Ephram, because if he remembered and knew how I had let myself become involved with Ephram, he would get rid of me. Then if the rest of the people in the town knew, like my so-called friends, they would say I wasn't loyal and they would shun me. And Ephram didn't care about me, and then I wouldn't have anyone.

                I sometimes wondered how I was living through this. My life was just…crazy. I had no control anymore…nothing went my way. And I no longer could do what I wanted to do. I felt these obligations to people, to responsibilities, to everything.

                "Amy?" a voice called from the doorway.

                "Hi, Bright," I sighed knowingly.

                "Listen, I was thinking, maybe we should go to Buck's Rock. We were there the morning of the accident, so maybe if he remembers that…" his voice trailed off.

                "Great," I said flatly, staring off at the wall.

                "Amy, I know it's really hard for you," Bright began sympathetically, wandering towards my computer chair and sitting down. For once, I thought he might have something smart to say, so I turned my head to look at him. "But maybe if you just let me tell him you were his girlfriend, he'd remember faster."

                "No!" I cried suddenly, surprising both myself and my brother. "You can't do that, ever."

                "Well…why not?" he asked, confused.

                "Because," I stated. That was all I could offer him. I don't know why I was so against that idea, of telling him, but I knew it was something I wasn't admitting to myself.

                "Is it because…" He paused to think. "Is it because…you think if I tell him that, he might feel like he has to like you, even if he doesn't?"

                I think Bright just was…smart? I guess in a way, it was true, but I felt like something wasn't on target. "Yeah…something like that."

                Liar.

***

                "Hey, we used to do flips off here!" Colin proclaimed, a grin crossing his face slowly.

                "Yeah, and the last one you did before the accident…it sucked!" Bright threw at him, laughing.

                "Hey, watch it, or I'll throw you right in here, and I don't care if it's frozen!" Colin was laughing now, and slapped my brother so hard on the back that he nearly did fall in.

                I was sitting on a rock earby, as I had been so many months ago. But I didn't feel a part of it anymore. This was Bright and Colin. No me. Oh sure, there was the playful teasing, but not from the person I needed to hear it from. I suppose it was Bright's way of trying to remind Colin of how he used to act around me, but Colin apparently didn't catch on, because the only talks we ever had were about him and what his life was like. There was no special smile for me anymore.

                Actually, I noticed as Bright and Colin contimued to torment one another…Colin's smile, his laugh, even his personality…it wasn't his anymore. It was…Bright's? "…personalities can change…he might have to start over, you know..."

                Where was Colin? Where was my boyfriend? Where was my first crush, my first kiss, my first love? Where was the person I loved? Had loved. Was he hiding in there somewhere? Or had that Colin been thrown the windshield in the accident too?

                I felt tears prickling my eyes, but willed myself not to cry. Just when I thought I had gotten rid of the urge to cry, I felt the tears spill over. Not wanting them to see, I quietly got to my feet and began the short walk through the woods and back to my house.

                Nobody came after me.

(A/N: Whoaa…I think that was the longest chapter I've written for this story so far. What can I say, I was so inspired by the trailer for Monday's new episode (which is making me so excited that I almost want vacation to be over, just so I can watch Everwood, lol)! It kind of showed which direction they're gonna go with the show…and, ooh, Amy's little outburst at the end of the trailer…you can guarantee in future chapters I'm gonna milk that for all it's worth! haha.

Ditey—I love reading your reviews! They're so thoughtful and nice and make ME want to cry! lol…and oh yeah, I know the broken heart thing well…in fact, we're best friends…ha. I just kind of elaborated on my own experience, which I figured would be similar to his. Anyway, everyone, stop reading this shit and go read Ditey's stuff because it is AMAZING! (And I'm not just saying that because she leaves nice reviews, hahaa…) Seriously, she's probably the best author in this Everwood section, and if you haven't looked at anything she's written ooh baby you are missing out!)