You'll be proud of me
By: Anna Hibiki
Rating: PG, but I'll put it PG-13 just to be sure. Anyway it could go up if I get inspired enough
Disclaimers : I don't own HP. If I did, do you think I would be writing fics instead of writing books that would give me a lot of money?
First written: February 18, 2002
Warnings : Angst, slight incest that implies male\male (Draco\Lucius onesided) in later chapters, little OOCness.
This fic can be read in my page, mediaminer.org and ff.net.
Ne, hello! This is my first try at HP fiction in English (Well, not really, since this is just the translation of one of my old fics in Spanish, that ff.net "kindly" deleted). I just hope ya like it.
Prologue.
I don't know when everything started. Well, of course I know. It all started the day I received my letter from Hogwarts.
Did anyone doubt it was going to be that way? I can imagine what people would say or my parents face if little Draco Malfoy hadn't been accepted in that damn escuela.
The face my father would have, the feared Lucius Malfoy, if he saw his son wasn't worth him, that he'd never be like him.
The face he would have if he saw that I, okay, I am a Malfoy, but I am human.
I can't forget anything. Since I was a child, I always had to be the best. The stronger. The most arrogant, the most feared...
But I'm not like that.
I'm not.
I'm tired. I always have to be the bad one, I can't smile if it's not because of other's pain. I can't touch anyone if anyone hasn't ordered me to do it. I can't live if he doesn't order it. I can't love if he doesn't want me to.
My life, all I do, myself. Everything has to be to him. To have him happy with me. To make him feel proud of me as I want.
I ask myself if he ever loved me.
I doubt that.
And my mother?
I doubt that too.
He married her because he followed the orders of the Dark Lord, who I don't dare to name not even if my deeper thoughs... I wonder if he'll love me someday.
Maybe, the only thing I have to fo is be the best. Don't have anyone being better than me. Not even that stupid muggle that's Granger be better than me.
Maybe, if I do it, everything will end. All those years of mistreatment, of ignorance, of being a spoiled child?
No! Absolutely not! I'm not a spoiled child!
It's true that I have money.
Is true that I can have any thing I want.
But I don't care about that.
I would change everything. Everything.
Only to have him pay a little more attention to me. To have him looking at me with a proud look.
To have him look at me warmly, like any father to his son.
Am I asking for too much? Is so bad the only wish to have someone hug you? Someone taking care of you?
Don't I deserve to be loved? Can't I have the warm embrace of a mother?
Oh, Weasley... if you knew how much I envy you...
I would change all I have to be you, even if that were only for a few hours.
Even if you don't have anything, you're happy.
I would give everything for my mother to be like yours. I wouldn't care that she wasn't cute, or she was far, that wouldn't matter, but I would like to feel like I'm part of a family, be happy, even if it only lasted a few moments.
I hear them again. Father is yelling to mother, and he's telling her not to even think about to go upstairs to see me, that a Malfoy can't have feelings, and that I should start growing already.
Mother... She's not going to come. She's too scared. Sometimes I like to imagine the scene of a happy day in my house.
A day without fights, that I get up at morning and go to the kitchen, and like in every normal house, my parents are there. My mother sitting at the table reading a magazine about famous wizards while she glances at father every now and then, he's finishing at making breakfast.[1]
Mother looks at me with a big smile and says "Good morning, honey", and my father looks at me, a smile also in his face as he sais "Good morning, son".
But then I come back to reality. My father enters my bedroom again. As usual, he's angry at me. What did I do this time?
Nothing. That's the problem. I'm still the same useless Draco I was some minutes ago. His face is not wearing a smile anymore. I can only see the fear on his face as he talks to me.
Yes.
Because he's scared too.
He's scared of lose the prestige of his name. He's scared of going to Azkaban, he's scared of society, he's scared of the Dark Lord...
Then, sometimes, when he looks at me with these eyes so full of fear, I wonder if he ever cared if something happened to mum or me. If he has ever though that maybe we weren't as happy as we tried to look, if maybe our lifes were as big as a lie as his was.
But I have to shut up.
I know what will happen to me if I say or do anything he doesn't want me to.
He brought his wand.
Last time I disobeyed him, the prize I paid for it was too high.
But that's not going to happen anymore.
I should talk to mother.
I know she's suffering as much as I am, and this has to end.
Perhaps she doesn't love me either, I don't know that, but anyway, she's my mother, and if I can do something, I'll do it.
I don't know what's going to happen to me, or with her, or with father, but I only know one thing.
I won't rest until he's proud of me, I won't stop trying.
He's going to love me, be happy of having me as a son.
I don't know what will I do, but I only know that when I come back, he'll receive me with his arms opened, and my mother will do that with a big true mother's smile.
TBC...
.::.::.::
[1] I'm totally against that thing of the woman in the kitchen and the man reading the newspaper, as we usually see on TV, etc... So I changed the roles there.
Ne, what do you think? It doesn't make a lot of sense (nothing written by me does ¬¬).
I'll tell you what did I write this. I've always though that Draco acts how he does because his father mistreated him, at least psychologically, and then I though about this, to have Draco trying to make his father see how he really was and try to be worth of him.
Dunno what more to say about this. It's really odd and all, but I liked it when I started writing, and now that I've started to write HP again, I'm starting to get inspired (hope writers block doesn't come to visit me). I wasn't very sure to post this again, but since it had good critics when it was posted in Spanish, it encouraged me to translate it and continue with the spanish version, that isn't finished yet.
The next chapter is a letter Draco sends his father. Hope you'll like it! ^^
Oi! Before you leave, will you let me a coment to tell me what you think about this? If you like it, hate it, wanted to kill Lucius for being such a coward bastard, or just wanted to kill me for making poor little Draco suffer? Sugestions? Ideas? Anything will be gladly received.
Nos vemos!