Scene 3
Rocky as Link Ginger as Malon Navi Fowler as Talon Oliver as Ingo Nick as Big brother
Lon-Lon ranch...
Rocky: So this is Lon-Lon ranch?
Navi: Yep. Hey, hear that?
Rocky: What?
Navi: It's that song that girl Malon was singing in the castle town!
Rocky: Yeah that was SO annoying.
Narrator: Link decided to explore so he walked into a nearby house...
(Fowler is asleep with... Those weird Cuckoos running around him)
Rocky: Hey, it's the old guy! Navi, turn him into a frog!
Navi: Sorry I can only use my powers for good. So I can't help you.
Rocky: Do you do anything other than fly in and out of my hat and give out useless advice?
Navi: Well, I can do this. *Electrocutes Rocky*
Rocky:.... Ouch....
Fowler: *Eyes jerk open* What the??? What are you doing here yank????
Rocky: Er... Ask the fairy.
Navi: Er... Ask the elf-boy.
Fowler: How about this, I chuck these super cuckoos into that crowd of regular ones, and you find them.
Rocky: what's in it for me?
Fowler: you'll see.
Narrator: So Link completed Talon's task.
Rocky: How am I supposed to do this? *Thinks* hang on, these things are just Hyrule chickens? (Clucks at the Nearest Cuckoo)
Cuckoo: Buck buck buck? (Nods at Rocky and three super cuckoos waddle over to him)
Rocky: Well that was easy.
Fowler: Well-done yank.
Rocky: Would you stop calling me that? I've got a name!
Fowler: Yes, and it's stupid.
Alice and Ginny: ARE YOU DISSIN ROCKY???? *Go all angry*
Fowler: No, no, no, no my good ladies.
Ginny: Good. Now behave.
Fowler: *Sigh* Very well, now what should I give you as a prize, hmmm, would you like to marry Malon?
Rocky: *Eyes pop out of head* HELL YEAH!
Fowler: Well tough cheddar 'cause she's engaged to our farmhand Ingo!
Rocky: WHAT???????
Fowler: In the meantime, here's some Lon-Lon milk, it'll energise the crap outta you if you get tired.
(Rocky runs out of that room and searches for Ingo... Oliver is playing Ingo, but instead of being insane he's an Adorable stable boy. Almost cuter than Rocky!)
Rocky: Oi! You, farm-boy! Keep your paws off my chick, got that?
Oliver: Uh, what?
Rocky: The old git in there told me you're engaged to Malon!
Oliver: What? Me? Nah, she's nice, but we're just friends. She's over there singing by the way.
(Rocky runs over to Ginger who's singing that incredibly annoying song that Malon always sings...)
Rocky: Hey, Ginge!
Ginger: Huh? Oh, hi fairy boy.
Rocky: What is that? My new nickname????
Narrator: Apparently fairy boy.
Rocky: I don't know which is worse, Fairy boy or Yank.
Navi: I think fairy boy is.
Rocky: Did I ask for your opinion?
Ginger: Er... Anyway, do you like the song I'm singing fairy boy?
Rocky: not really, it's annoying.
Ginger: (Trying to ignore him) my mother wrote it. Oh, by the way, this horse is called Epona.
Rocky: (Pats hose) hi horsy.
Epona: *neighs*
Rocky: Hey, I think she likes me! *Grin*
Ginger: No, she just crapped all over your feet.
(All cast but Rocky crack up laughing) Rocky: Note to self, never EVER act with animals.
Ginger: Umm, it seems Epona is afraid of you fairy boy.
Narrator: Link realised that if he wanted to make friends with Epona he would have to learn that song Malon was Singing...
(Rocky gets out the Ocarina)
Ginger: Are you going to play this song fairy boy? I'll teach it to you...
*Sings annoying song*
Rocky: Right, this shouldn't be too hard... *plays and gets it right except for 1 note* er... I can get this right... *Plays and it goes wrong again* er...(nervous laugh) I can do this... *yes, it goes wrong again.* Damnit! Its Only three notes for crying out loud!
(Throws stupid ocarina on the floor and breaks it in half.)
Narrator: Er... That ocarina was hand crafted by the forest fairies. It cost 100 rupees.
Rocky: It's defective!
Ginger: Or maybe YOU'RE defective...
Narrator: You know, if you couldn't play it we could have used a recording...you'll have to pay for that.
Rocky: What? Some fairies make a defective kazoo and I have to pay for it?
Navi: Never mind, didn't Impa say we should go up death mountain?
*Evil laughter from far away*
Rocky: Were did that come from?
Ginny: I didn't request any sound effects! Alice, did we request sound effects???
Alice: Nope. Sound effects guy!
Sound effects guy: Yo.
Ginny: Did we request an evil laughter sound effect?
Spund effects guy: How should I know? I've been on a coffee break since 1989. *Walks off*
Alice: We have GOT to get better staff.
Ginny: I'll call Disney. Maybe they'll lend us some guys for free.
Ginger: So can we get on with the story?
Alice: Yeah, go on then.
Narrator: With Epona's song learnt Link made his way to Kakiriko village... But when he was just outside Kakiriko Village Navi spoke up...
Navi: Shouldn't we tell Saria we're going to save Hyrule?
Rocky: Aw come on! This is getting boring! I haven't killed anything for ages!
Navi: Just do as I say fairy boy! Or I'll eat you!
Rocky: Yeah right. Navi, you're the size of a light bulb, you couldn't even eat a squirrel.
Navi: *angry fairy mumbling*
Narrator: Just to make this faster, Link ran back to the forest...
Rocky: It's great to be back isn't it Navi? The green grass, the melody of ocarina music in the air...
Navi: The smell of gasoline as the other fairy kids make a bonfire of all your stuff...
Rocky: Yeah... HEY! STOP THAT!!!
Koriki kid1: Hey! It's that git who killed our tree!
Koriki kid2: Let's get him!
Fetcher: ATTACK!!!!!!!
(Navi and Rocky run off as hundreds of angry Koriki throw vegetables at them)
Rocky: It doesn't matter, the only stuff I have is my furniture and that's nailed to the floor. (Loudly) The rest of it I borrowed from Mido!!! ^_^
Fetcher: Say what? (Stares at burning stuff) NOOOOOO!! That's my Teddy!!!!! STOP THE FIRE!!!! (Jumps into The flames and comes out holding a fuzzball) don't worry teddy, I won't let them hurt you...(looks at Koriki) Do You think this is my teddy?
Koriki: Actually it looks more like a mouldy dead frog.
Fetcher: WHAT????? MUMMY!!!!!!!!
Narrator: Link got to the sacred forest meadow, sitting there was his only friend in the world...
Ginger: (Playing ocarina)
Rocky: Hey Ginge- I mean Saria!!
Ginger: Oh, hello Link. *Giggles* what are you doing here?
Rocky: The light bulb told me to tell you I'm gonna save Hyrule! How cool is that??
Ginger: Oh really? Neat! *Giggle* I feel, this place will be very important to both of us one day. Will you play my Song with me?
Rocky: Hey, why not?
Narrator: You don't have an Ocarina remember? You destroyed it!
Rocky: Oh well, get me another.
*Magically, another one appears in his hand*
Ginger: Follow the notes as I play!
(They play Saria's song surprisingly well. Romantic duet actually, ah what the hell, one song can't hurt!)
Ginger: {begins singing opera-like} if I weren't Kokiri
I'd come with you today!
But for now all I can do is give you this song...
Link, forever best friends we'll be...
[Rocky sniffles, and wipes a tear away from his eyes. Navi blows her nose on his hat]
Ginger: [singing slowly] Maybe someday, I'll find a way to join you!
And to help you on your quest, whatever it be!
Maybe someday I can leave this forest!
Maybe someday I'll leave this Koriki
Bo-dy... be-hind..
Rocky: [singing better than in the film] But Saria, remember me!
Ginger: I will!
Rocky: But Saria, they'll always tease!
Ginger: I don't care!
Rocky: But Saria, I may never return!
Ginger: [holds up fist] You had better! Come... back... and... visit... me...
Rocky: OK, OK, I will!
Ginger: There's bound to be some changes.
Some rules will likely bend!
But no matter what happens
I'll always be your friend!
Rocky: I may travel near and far
But no matter what I do
Part of me will be left right behind
And that part's here with you!
(The song ends on a sad note)
Ginger: When you play it you can talk to the forest spirits. Play it whenever you want hear my voice.
Rocky: So you're a forest spirit?
Ginger: No, but you can talk to me using that song.
Rocky: But you said...
Navi: Don't ask questions, it's too complicated.
Narrator: So Link learned Saria's song and got his butt back to Kakiriko village pretty damn fast!
Rocky: Can I go in now?
Narrator: Yeah all right then.
(He walks into Kakiriko village)
Rocky: Why can I hear chicken clucking?
Navi: They're cuckoo's not chickens
Rocky: Fine. *Under breath* SO chickens!
Crazy cuckoo lady: MY CUCCOS!! They've escaped!!!
Rocky: That's sad. So where's Death Mountain?
CCL: Please! Go catch my cuckoos! I'll reward you!
Rocky: *sigh* Fine. But you owe me big.
(He wanders off, ten seconds later her returns with all the Cuckoos following him)
CCL: How did you do that???
Rocky: Easy when you're a chicken, now how about the reward?
CCL: Here, have an empty glass bottle!
Rocky: WHAT?????? I got the blood pecked outta me for a crap glass bottle that's not even got Lon Lon milk in???????
CCL: Call it a lesson in life. You never get anything good for being nice.
Rocky: (Walks off mumbling angrily) Stupid chick.... Chicken farmers all insane... Stupid crap bottle...
Navi: You shouldn't use language like that fairy-boy. You're meant to be ten until we get to the temple of time.
Rocky: SAY WHAT?????? I wasn't told! Where are those directors????
Ginny: *whistles innocently*
Alice: *looks the other way*
Rocky: *stalks over to the gate guard* Okay butt-head. I'm having a really bad day so just let me through now.
Guard: You need the King's permission. The King doesn't want lowly poor people like you bothering the Gorons.
Rocky: Who says? What if the Gorons are really lonely and insecure up there with no visitors? What if they really do want visitors, but because the King has put this cruel locked gate up, no one can come to visit them. [gasps] THEY'RE SLAVES ON THEIR OWN MOUNTAIN!
Guard: No they're not.
Rocky: Why can't common people go up there, huh? Is it some kind of government cover-up? Are there really any such THINGS as Gorons? Or are those just legends made up by the King to cover up his secret ATOMIC WEAPONS PLANT UP THERE?
Guard: SHHH! Hey kid, shut up! What're ya trying' to do, start a revolution?
Rocky: Maybe I am!
Guard: No, no, no, please! Shut up!
Rocky: Then let me through.
Guard: Prove you have connection to the Royal Family!
Rocky: I don't want to... Why don't you let me through anyway?
Guard: No way! Go away and shut up about that cover-up stuff!
Rocky: Why? Is it true?
Guard: No!
Rocky: Then why aren't common people allowed up there?
Guard: Because... because... I can't tell you.
Rocky: Come on. I see no real good reason to block off the mountain to everyone except people with a royal connection.
Guard: There's a good reason. But I can't tell you what it is.
Rocky: [screaming] THE KING IS HIDING SOMETHING FROM US! VIVA LA REVOLUTION! VIVA LA REVOLUTI-
[The guard covers up his mouth]
Guard: Quiet! You're going to start a riot!
Rocky: HEY MAN! THIS GUARD'S GOT HIS HAND ON MY BUTT! THIS GUARD IS VIOLATING MY PERSONAL SPACE! HEY, CHECK OUT THIS GUARD WHO'S GRABBING A TEN-YEAR-OLD'S BUTT! SOMEONE HELP! THIS AUTHORITY FIGURE IS ABUSING HIS POSITION AND GRABBING MY BUTT!
Guard: [immediately drops him] Shut up! Shut up!
Villagers: [murmuring things like, "Hey, that's not right!" and "Hey yeah! Why can't we go up on the mountain?"]
Rocky: I would open the gate now, if I were you.
Guard: All right, all right... [Opens gate]
Rocky: And tell me why commoners aren't allowed up there.
Guard: Can't.
Rocky: Aww... [Puts on sad puppy face]
Guard: Kid, there's just some stuff that people can't tell other people for a good reason... [Puts his hand on Rocky's head.]
[Rocky grabs the guard's wrist and starts wiggling all over, pretending like the guard is grabbing him by the head]
Rocky: OW! STOP! YOU'RE HURTING ME! OW! OW! PLEASE, LET ME GO! WAAA!
Guard: HEY! I did not touch you!
Rocky: PLEASE MISTER! MOMMY ALWAYS TOLD ME NOT TO GO WITH STRANGERS! PLEASE! I SAID NO! DON'T TRY AND-
Guard: All right! Scram! And don't let me catch you starting anymore revolutions!!!
Rocky: Okay mister. *Just as he's about to go through the gate* VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!
(He runs up the hill as fast as something with two legs can)
Navi: Why'd go through all that when you could have shown him your letter from Zelda?
Rocky: Do you have any idea how much people will pay to have Zelda's autograph?
Navi: Oh. Right then.
(They carry on up the mountain until...)
Navi: Watch out!
Rocky: MASSIVE SPIDER!!!!!!! *Hides behind Navi*
Navi: Go on! Kill it! I'm right behind you!
Rocky: No, no, no, no, ladies first!
Navi: I ain't no stinkin lady!
Spider: *gets bored and walks away.*
Navi: Hey! Look! It's gone!
Rocky: Well that's one way to get rid of *shudder* spiders.
Narrator: After a while link reached a rock blocking the way to a cave, he decided to settle down for a bit, because he hadn't actually slept since the story started.
(Rocky sits down on what he thinks is a rock)
Rocky: Man, why did I let those chicks talk me into this?
Rock: Because you're a big loser, and you're heavy.
Rocky: Er.... Navi, did you hear this rock just speak?
Navi: Yeah, why?
Rocky: Thank god you heard it too, I thought I was going mad.
Rock: GET YOUR BUTT OFF ME!!!! I'LL BITE!!!!!
*Crunching sound*
Rocky: (jumps fifty feet in the air) YEEEEEEEEOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rock: *unrolls, revealing itself to be a Goron* urrrrr, what a nasty flavour! *Takes out toothpaste and brush* that taste is gonna last till Christmas!
Rocky: (landing butt-first on the ground* OW! Why the hell did ya bite me??? That was gross!
Goron: No, that was vile! You shouldn't have sat on me you...HEY! YOU'RE A SOFT THING!!!
Rocky: *backing away from the insane Goron* say what? What's a soft thing? It's not your definition of food is it???
Goron: WOW!!! A REAL LIVE SOFT THING!!!
Rocky: Navi... Why is that rock calling me a soft thing?
Navi: I think it likes you.
Goron: I'M SO HAPPY! NOW YOU'LL OPEN DONDOGO'S CAVERN AND WE CAN EAT AGAIN!
Rocky: Navi, let's get out of here.
Navi: All righty then!
Narrator: And so Link and Navi ran like scared bunnies all the way to Goron city.
Rocky: Thank...god...we...lost him...
Navi: Hey! This is Goron City!
Rocky: Well DUH!
(The Duh echo's through the cave, suddenly all the Gorons stand up and run over)
All Gorons: LOOK! IT'S A REAL LIVE SOFT THING!!!
Rocky: Not this again.
Goron: Where are you from soft thing?
Rocky: A forest, and by the way, my name's Li-
All Gorons: A forest? What's a forest? What's he talking about?
Rocky: *sigh* Jeeze, how thick can ya get? A forest is a place where lots of trees and plants grow!
All Gorons: Trees? Plants? What are they? Does he mean like our bomb flowers?
Rocky: *another sigh* Look, just tell me were your Big brother or whatever he is lives!
Goron: Hold it, we gotta tell you why we're all so hungry!
Navi: Brace yourself, boring story at twelve o'clock.
Gorons: A man in black armour! He came and sealed the entrance to our food source! He said we had to give him our spiritual stone if we wanted our food! Then our big brother, he went and locked himself away, and said he'd never give the spiritual stone, until the royal messenger arrived!
Rocky: *yawn* Thanks for the exciting story, but I've got worlds to save, princesses to marry, that sort of thing...
Gorons: But we need your help and...
Rocky: Do I look like I care? Er, no!
(He walks down to the doorway to Darunia's cave...)
Navi: I think you have to prove you have a connection with the royal family to get in.
Rocky: *sarcastic* Gee, I wonder how we solve this puzzle?
Narrator: Link played Zelda's lullaby and the doorway opened. He entered and met the leader of the Gorons,
Darunia, AKA Big Brother!
Nick: Yo.
Rocky: OO;;;; er.... You're... Not a Goron.
Nick: Nope.
Rocky: Er... Let me put it another way. You're a rat.
Nick: (trying to get on with the script) I cannot believe the king has sent this LITTLE SHRIMP to me, is this an insult from my sworn brother the king??
Rocky: Hey! I'm at least a big shrimp!
Nick: I don't care!
Rocky: Gee Nick, have you been eating too many rocks recently? You're really bad tempered!
Nick: I'll tell you why I'm bad tempered shall I? Because our food supplies are down, we've had a poor crop of bomb flowers, plans for my arranged marriage to some chick in the desert aren't going well, I think I'm losing my hair, I'm starting to doubt that I'll ever have a son, we're out of Cheese and to top it all some arsehole from the desert wants our spiritual stone AKA the Gorons ruby and you more-than-likely want it too! Don't you!!!!??!?!?!?!
Rocky: *backing up* Maybe I should leave...*whisper to Navi* this guy is obviously...
Navi: Nuttier than a fruitcake?
Rocky: Yeah, that'll do.
Nick: If only I could hear some calming music, sort of.. Green... Tap-dancy... From somewhere beyond the mountain...*eyes go all glassy*
Rocky: What? Like this? (Plays Saria's song)
Nick: [eyes get very wide, develops a facial tic] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[A chorus of Ocarinas take up the background]
[Nick begins what is now referred to as the legendary "Spastic Dance of Goron Joy", shaking it all over and screaming random interjections every once and a while. Navi and Rocky back up against the wall, screaming in terror]
Rocky: WHAT'S HE DOING?!
Navi: AAAAAGGH!
Nick: WOOOO! YEAAAAAH! WOW! HOT! WHAT A HOT BEAT! WHOAAAAAAAAAA! YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[The Chorus finished the song, and Nick is still shaking all over.]
Nick: [out of his mind] I CAN'T- STOP- SHAKING! AGH! AH! AH! AH! [Shakes his boo-taay] WAAAAAAAAHA! AH! AH! AH... [One last giant shake] AHHHHHHH!
[He looks at Rocky with a sort of drunken happiness plastered on his face]
Nick: Wow... [Face turns blissful] HEYYY! WHAT A NICE TUNE! I heard it and all of a sudden I wanted to dance like CRAZY! AAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!
Rocky: And believe me, you certainly did...
Nick: I LIKE YOU, KID! You have GREAT SONGS! MWEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEEE! I am DARUNIA! Big Brother of the Gorons!
Rocky: Er hi... I'm Link and this is my pet light bulb Navi...
Nick: So what brings you all the way up to our mountains kid?
Rocky: The princess wants me to get her the spiritual stone of fire. You DO have it right??
Nick: Hmmm.... Tell you what, I'll give you the Gorons ruby...
(Rocky and Navi Hi-five)
Nick: IF! You go get rid of the Dodongo's in our cavern. Deal?
Rocky: Er.. How about this, I play the nice song for you and you give me the stone? *Reaches for his ocarina*
Navi: NO! *Whacks ocarina out of his hand*
Nick: My mind is made up, go and save Dodongo's cavern Link, messenger of the royal family! Take this bracelet of power, so you can pick up bomb flowers!
Rocky: *as he walks out* why do I get the feeling this is gonna hurt?
Ginny: Don't worry, we have insurance on you.
End of scene three!
Rocky as Link Ginger as Malon Navi Fowler as Talon Oliver as Ingo Nick as Big brother
Lon-Lon ranch...
Rocky: So this is Lon-Lon ranch?
Navi: Yep. Hey, hear that?
Rocky: What?
Navi: It's that song that girl Malon was singing in the castle town!
Rocky: Yeah that was SO annoying.
Narrator: Link decided to explore so he walked into a nearby house...
(Fowler is asleep with... Those weird Cuckoos running around him)
Rocky: Hey, it's the old guy! Navi, turn him into a frog!
Navi: Sorry I can only use my powers for good. So I can't help you.
Rocky: Do you do anything other than fly in and out of my hat and give out useless advice?
Navi: Well, I can do this. *Electrocutes Rocky*
Rocky:.... Ouch....
Fowler: *Eyes jerk open* What the??? What are you doing here yank????
Rocky: Er... Ask the fairy.
Navi: Er... Ask the elf-boy.
Fowler: How about this, I chuck these super cuckoos into that crowd of regular ones, and you find them.
Rocky: what's in it for me?
Fowler: you'll see.
Narrator: So Link completed Talon's task.
Rocky: How am I supposed to do this? *Thinks* hang on, these things are just Hyrule chickens? (Clucks at the Nearest Cuckoo)
Cuckoo: Buck buck buck? (Nods at Rocky and three super cuckoos waddle over to him)
Rocky: Well that was easy.
Fowler: Well-done yank.
Rocky: Would you stop calling me that? I've got a name!
Fowler: Yes, and it's stupid.
Alice and Ginny: ARE YOU DISSIN ROCKY???? *Go all angry*
Fowler: No, no, no, no my good ladies.
Ginny: Good. Now behave.
Fowler: *Sigh* Very well, now what should I give you as a prize, hmmm, would you like to marry Malon?
Rocky: *Eyes pop out of head* HELL YEAH!
Fowler: Well tough cheddar 'cause she's engaged to our farmhand Ingo!
Rocky: WHAT???????
Fowler: In the meantime, here's some Lon-Lon milk, it'll energise the crap outta you if you get tired.
(Rocky runs out of that room and searches for Ingo... Oliver is playing Ingo, but instead of being insane he's an Adorable stable boy. Almost cuter than Rocky!)
Rocky: Oi! You, farm-boy! Keep your paws off my chick, got that?
Oliver: Uh, what?
Rocky: The old git in there told me you're engaged to Malon!
Oliver: What? Me? Nah, she's nice, but we're just friends. She's over there singing by the way.
(Rocky runs over to Ginger who's singing that incredibly annoying song that Malon always sings...)
Rocky: Hey, Ginge!
Ginger: Huh? Oh, hi fairy boy.
Rocky: What is that? My new nickname????
Narrator: Apparently fairy boy.
Rocky: I don't know which is worse, Fairy boy or Yank.
Navi: I think fairy boy is.
Rocky: Did I ask for your opinion?
Ginger: Er... Anyway, do you like the song I'm singing fairy boy?
Rocky: not really, it's annoying.
Ginger: (Trying to ignore him) my mother wrote it. Oh, by the way, this horse is called Epona.
Rocky: (Pats hose) hi horsy.
Epona: *neighs*
Rocky: Hey, I think she likes me! *Grin*
Ginger: No, she just crapped all over your feet.
(All cast but Rocky crack up laughing) Rocky: Note to self, never EVER act with animals.
Ginger: Umm, it seems Epona is afraid of you fairy boy.
Narrator: Link realised that if he wanted to make friends with Epona he would have to learn that song Malon was Singing...
(Rocky gets out the Ocarina)
Ginger: Are you going to play this song fairy boy? I'll teach it to you...
*Sings annoying song*
Rocky: Right, this shouldn't be too hard... *plays and gets it right except for 1 note* er... I can get this right... *Plays and it goes wrong again* er...(nervous laugh) I can do this... *yes, it goes wrong again.* Damnit! Its Only three notes for crying out loud!
(Throws stupid ocarina on the floor and breaks it in half.)
Narrator: Er... That ocarina was hand crafted by the forest fairies. It cost 100 rupees.
Rocky: It's defective!
Ginger: Or maybe YOU'RE defective...
Narrator: You know, if you couldn't play it we could have used a recording...you'll have to pay for that.
Rocky: What? Some fairies make a defective kazoo and I have to pay for it?
Navi: Never mind, didn't Impa say we should go up death mountain?
*Evil laughter from far away*
Rocky: Were did that come from?
Ginny: I didn't request any sound effects! Alice, did we request sound effects???
Alice: Nope. Sound effects guy!
Sound effects guy: Yo.
Ginny: Did we request an evil laughter sound effect?
Spund effects guy: How should I know? I've been on a coffee break since 1989. *Walks off*
Alice: We have GOT to get better staff.
Ginny: I'll call Disney. Maybe they'll lend us some guys for free.
Ginger: So can we get on with the story?
Alice: Yeah, go on then.
Narrator: With Epona's song learnt Link made his way to Kakiriko village... But when he was just outside Kakiriko Village Navi spoke up...
Navi: Shouldn't we tell Saria we're going to save Hyrule?
Rocky: Aw come on! This is getting boring! I haven't killed anything for ages!
Navi: Just do as I say fairy boy! Or I'll eat you!
Rocky: Yeah right. Navi, you're the size of a light bulb, you couldn't even eat a squirrel.
Navi: *angry fairy mumbling*
Narrator: Just to make this faster, Link ran back to the forest...
Rocky: It's great to be back isn't it Navi? The green grass, the melody of ocarina music in the air...
Navi: The smell of gasoline as the other fairy kids make a bonfire of all your stuff...
Rocky: Yeah... HEY! STOP THAT!!!
Koriki kid1: Hey! It's that git who killed our tree!
Koriki kid2: Let's get him!
Fetcher: ATTACK!!!!!!!
(Navi and Rocky run off as hundreds of angry Koriki throw vegetables at them)
Rocky: It doesn't matter, the only stuff I have is my furniture and that's nailed to the floor. (Loudly) The rest of it I borrowed from Mido!!! ^_^
Fetcher: Say what? (Stares at burning stuff) NOOOOOO!! That's my Teddy!!!!! STOP THE FIRE!!!! (Jumps into The flames and comes out holding a fuzzball) don't worry teddy, I won't let them hurt you...(looks at Koriki) Do You think this is my teddy?
Koriki: Actually it looks more like a mouldy dead frog.
Fetcher: WHAT????? MUMMY!!!!!!!!
Narrator: Link got to the sacred forest meadow, sitting there was his only friend in the world...
Ginger: (Playing ocarina)
Rocky: Hey Ginge- I mean Saria!!
Ginger: Oh, hello Link. *Giggles* what are you doing here?
Rocky: The light bulb told me to tell you I'm gonna save Hyrule! How cool is that??
Ginger: Oh really? Neat! *Giggle* I feel, this place will be very important to both of us one day. Will you play my Song with me?
Rocky: Hey, why not?
Narrator: You don't have an Ocarina remember? You destroyed it!
Rocky: Oh well, get me another.
*Magically, another one appears in his hand*
Ginger: Follow the notes as I play!
(They play Saria's song surprisingly well. Romantic duet actually, ah what the hell, one song can't hurt!)
Ginger: {begins singing opera-like} if I weren't Kokiri
I'd come with you today!
But for now all I can do is give you this song...
Link, forever best friends we'll be...
[Rocky sniffles, and wipes a tear away from his eyes. Navi blows her nose on his hat]
Ginger: [singing slowly] Maybe someday, I'll find a way to join you!
And to help you on your quest, whatever it be!
Maybe someday I can leave this forest!
Maybe someday I'll leave this Koriki
Bo-dy... be-hind..
Rocky: [singing better than in the film] But Saria, remember me!
Ginger: I will!
Rocky: But Saria, they'll always tease!
Ginger: I don't care!
Rocky: But Saria, I may never return!
Ginger: [holds up fist] You had better! Come... back... and... visit... me...
Rocky: OK, OK, I will!
Ginger: There's bound to be some changes.
Some rules will likely bend!
But no matter what happens
I'll always be your friend!
Rocky: I may travel near and far
But no matter what I do
Part of me will be left right behind
And that part's here with you!
(The song ends on a sad note)
Ginger: When you play it you can talk to the forest spirits. Play it whenever you want hear my voice.
Rocky: So you're a forest spirit?
Ginger: No, but you can talk to me using that song.
Rocky: But you said...
Navi: Don't ask questions, it's too complicated.
Narrator: So Link learned Saria's song and got his butt back to Kakiriko village pretty damn fast!
Rocky: Can I go in now?
Narrator: Yeah all right then.
(He walks into Kakiriko village)
Rocky: Why can I hear chicken clucking?
Navi: They're cuckoo's not chickens
Rocky: Fine. *Under breath* SO chickens!
Crazy cuckoo lady: MY CUCCOS!! They've escaped!!!
Rocky: That's sad. So where's Death Mountain?
CCL: Please! Go catch my cuckoos! I'll reward you!
Rocky: *sigh* Fine. But you owe me big.
(He wanders off, ten seconds later her returns with all the Cuckoos following him)
CCL: How did you do that???
Rocky: Easy when you're a chicken, now how about the reward?
CCL: Here, have an empty glass bottle!
Rocky: WHAT?????? I got the blood pecked outta me for a crap glass bottle that's not even got Lon Lon milk in???????
CCL: Call it a lesson in life. You never get anything good for being nice.
Rocky: (Walks off mumbling angrily) Stupid chick.... Chicken farmers all insane... Stupid crap bottle...
Navi: You shouldn't use language like that fairy-boy. You're meant to be ten until we get to the temple of time.
Rocky: SAY WHAT?????? I wasn't told! Where are those directors????
Ginny: *whistles innocently*
Alice: *looks the other way*
Rocky: *stalks over to the gate guard* Okay butt-head. I'm having a really bad day so just let me through now.
Guard: You need the King's permission. The King doesn't want lowly poor people like you bothering the Gorons.
Rocky: Who says? What if the Gorons are really lonely and insecure up there with no visitors? What if they really do want visitors, but because the King has put this cruel locked gate up, no one can come to visit them. [gasps] THEY'RE SLAVES ON THEIR OWN MOUNTAIN!
Guard: No they're not.
Rocky: Why can't common people go up there, huh? Is it some kind of government cover-up? Are there really any such THINGS as Gorons? Or are those just legends made up by the King to cover up his secret ATOMIC WEAPONS PLANT UP THERE?
Guard: SHHH! Hey kid, shut up! What're ya trying' to do, start a revolution?
Rocky: Maybe I am!
Guard: No, no, no, please! Shut up!
Rocky: Then let me through.
Guard: Prove you have connection to the Royal Family!
Rocky: I don't want to... Why don't you let me through anyway?
Guard: No way! Go away and shut up about that cover-up stuff!
Rocky: Why? Is it true?
Guard: No!
Rocky: Then why aren't common people allowed up there?
Guard: Because... because... I can't tell you.
Rocky: Come on. I see no real good reason to block off the mountain to everyone except people with a royal connection.
Guard: There's a good reason. But I can't tell you what it is.
Rocky: [screaming] THE KING IS HIDING SOMETHING FROM US! VIVA LA REVOLUTION! VIVA LA REVOLUTI-
[The guard covers up his mouth]
Guard: Quiet! You're going to start a riot!
Rocky: HEY MAN! THIS GUARD'S GOT HIS HAND ON MY BUTT! THIS GUARD IS VIOLATING MY PERSONAL SPACE! HEY, CHECK OUT THIS GUARD WHO'S GRABBING A TEN-YEAR-OLD'S BUTT! SOMEONE HELP! THIS AUTHORITY FIGURE IS ABUSING HIS POSITION AND GRABBING MY BUTT!
Guard: [immediately drops him] Shut up! Shut up!
Villagers: [murmuring things like, "Hey, that's not right!" and "Hey yeah! Why can't we go up on the mountain?"]
Rocky: I would open the gate now, if I were you.
Guard: All right, all right... [Opens gate]
Rocky: And tell me why commoners aren't allowed up there.
Guard: Can't.
Rocky: Aww... [Puts on sad puppy face]
Guard: Kid, there's just some stuff that people can't tell other people for a good reason... [Puts his hand on Rocky's head.]
[Rocky grabs the guard's wrist and starts wiggling all over, pretending like the guard is grabbing him by the head]
Rocky: OW! STOP! YOU'RE HURTING ME! OW! OW! PLEASE, LET ME GO! WAAA!
Guard: HEY! I did not touch you!
Rocky: PLEASE MISTER! MOMMY ALWAYS TOLD ME NOT TO GO WITH STRANGERS! PLEASE! I SAID NO! DON'T TRY AND-
Guard: All right! Scram! And don't let me catch you starting anymore revolutions!!!
Rocky: Okay mister. *Just as he's about to go through the gate* VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!
(He runs up the hill as fast as something with two legs can)
Navi: Why'd go through all that when you could have shown him your letter from Zelda?
Rocky: Do you have any idea how much people will pay to have Zelda's autograph?
Navi: Oh. Right then.
(They carry on up the mountain until...)
Navi: Watch out!
Rocky: MASSIVE SPIDER!!!!!!! *Hides behind Navi*
Navi: Go on! Kill it! I'm right behind you!
Rocky: No, no, no, no, ladies first!
Navi: I ain't no stinkin lady!
Spider: *gets bored and walks away.*
Navi: Hey! Look! It's gone!
Rocky: Well that's one way to get rid of *shudder* spiders.
Narrator: After a while link reached a rock blocking the way to a cave, he decided to settle down for a bit, because he hadn't actually slept since the story started.
(Rocky sits down on what he thinks is a rock)
Rocky: Man, why did I let those chicks talk me into this?
Rock: Because you're a big loser, and you're heavy.
Rocky: Er.... Navi, did you hear this rock just speak?
Navi: Yeah, why?
Rocky: Thank god you heard it too, I thought I was going mad.
Rock: GET YOUR BUTT OFF ME!!!! I'LL BITE!!!!!
*Crunching sound*
Rocky: (jumps fifty feet in the air) YEEEEEEEEOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rock: *unrolls, revealing itself to be a Goron* urrrrr, what a nasty flavour! *Takes out toothpaste and brush* that taste is gonna last till Christmas!
Rocky: (landing butt-first on the ground* OW! Why the hell did ya bite me??? That was gross!
Goron: No, that was vile! You shouldn't have sat on me you...HEY! YOU'RE A SOFT THING!!!
Rocky: *backing away from the insane Goron* say what? What's a soft thing? It's not your definition of food is it???
Goron: WOW!!! A REAL LIVE SOFT THING!!!
Rocky: Navi... Why is that rock calling me a soft thing?
Navi: I think it likes you.
Goron: I'M SO HAPPY! NOW YOU'LL OPEN DONDOGO'S CAVERN AND WE CAN EAT AGAIN!
Rocky: Navi, let's get out of here.
Navi: All righty then!
Narrator: And so Link and Navi ran like scared bunnies all the way to Goron city.
Rocky: Thank...god...we...lost him...
Navi: Hey! This is Goron City!
Rocky: Well DUH!
(The Duh echo's through the cave, suddenly all the Gorons stand up and run over)
All Gorons: LOOK! IT'S A REAL LIVE SOFT THING!!!
Rocky: Not this again.
Goron: Where are you from soft thing?
Rocky: A forest, and by the way, my name's Li-
All Gorons: A forest? What's a forest? What's he talking about?
Rocky: *sigh* Jeeze, how thick can ya get? A forest is a place where lots of trees and plants grow!
All Gorons: Trees? Plants? What are they? Does he mean like our bomb flowers?
Rocky: *another sigh* Look, just tell me were your Big brother or whatever he is lives!
Goron: Hold it, we gotta tell you why we're all so hungry!
Navi: Brace yourself, boring story at twelve o'clock.
Gorons: A man in black armour! He came and sealed the entrance to our food source! He said we had to give him our spiritual stone if we wanted our food! Then our big brother, he went and locked himself away, and said he'd never give the spiritual stone, until the royal messenger arrived!
Rocky: *yawn* Thanks for the exciting story, but I've got worlds to save, princesses to marry, that sort of thing...
Gorons: But we need your help and...
Rocky: Do I look like I care? Er, no!
(He walks down to the doorway to Darunia's cave...)
Navi: I think you have to prove you have a connection with the royal family to get in.
Rocky: *sarcastic* Gee, I wonder how we solve this puzzle?
Narrator: Link played Zelda's lullaby and the doorway opened. He entered and met the leader of the Gorons,
Darunia, AKA Big Brother!
Nick: Yo.
Rocky: OO;;;; er.... You're... Not a Goron.
Nick: Nope.
Rocky: Er... Let me put it another way. You're a rat.
Nick: (trying to get on with the script) I cannot believe the king has sent this LITTLE SHRIMP to me, is this an insult from my sworn brother the king??
Rocky: Hey! I'm at least a big shrimp!
Nick: I don't care!
Rocky: Gee Nick, have you been eating too many rocks recently? You're really bad tempered!
Nick: I'll tell you why I'm bad tempered shall I? Because our food supplies are down, we've had a poor crop of bomb flowers, plans for my arranged marriage to some chick in the desert aren't going well, I think I'm losing my hair, I'm starting to doubt that I'll ever have a son, we're out of Cheese and to top it all some arsehole from the desert wants our spiritual stone AKA the Gorons ruby and you more-than-likely want it too! Don't you!!!!??!?!?!?!
Rocky: *backing up* Maybe I should leave...*whisper to Navi* this guy is obviously...
Navi: Nuttier than a fruitcake?
Rocky: Yeah, that'll do.
Nick: If only I could hear some calming music, sort of.. Green... Tap-dancy... From somewhere beyond the mountain...*eyes go all glassy*
Rocky: What? Like this? (Plays Saria's song)
Nick: [eyes get very wide, develops a facial tic] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[A chorus of Ocarinas take up the background]
[Nick begins what is now referred to as the legendary "Spastic Dance of Goron Joy", shaking it all over and screaming random interjections every once and a while. Navi and Rocky back up against the wall, screaming in terror]
Rocky: WHAT'S HE DOING?!
Navi: AAAAAGGH!
Nick: WOOOO! YEAAAAAH! WOW! HOT! WHAT A HOT BEAT! WHOAAAAAAAAAA! YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[The Chorus finished the song, and Nick is still shaking all over.]
Nick: [out of his mind] I CAN'T- STOP- SHAKING! AGH! AH! AH! AH! [Shakes his boo-taay] WAAAAAAAAHA! AH! AH! AH... [One last giant shake] AHHHHHHH!
[He looks at Rocky with a sort of drunken happiness plastered on his face]
Nick: Wow... [Face turns blissful] HEYYY! WHAT A NICE TUNE! I heard it and all of a sudden I wanted to dance like CRAZY! AAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!
Rocky: And believe me, you certainly did...
Nick: I LIKE YOU, KID! You have GREAT SONGS! MWEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEEE! I am DARUNIA! Big Brother of the Gorons!
Rocky: Er hi... I'm Link and this is my pet light bulb Navi...
Nick: So what brings you all the way up to our mountains kid?
Rocky: The princess wants me to get her the spiritual stone of fire. You DO have it right??
Nick: Hmmm.... Tell you what, I'll give you the Gorons ruby...
(Rocky and Navi Hi-five)
Nick: IF! You go get rid of the Dodongo's in our cavern. Deal?
Rocky: Er.. How about this, I play the nice song for you and you give me the stone? *Reaches for his ocarina*
Navi: NO! *Whacks ocarina out of his hand*
Nick: My mind is made up, go and save Dodongo's cavern Link, messenger of the royal family! Take this bracelet of power, so you can pick up bomb flowers!
Rocky: *as he walks out* why do I get the feeling this is gonna hurt?
Ginny: Don't worry, we have insurance on you.
End of scene three!