The Secret Magic: 1: Complications
By: Karigan Marie
Chapter 5: Learning to Live Again
Daine hardly spoke after her second miscarriage. She kept mostly to herself, and never smiled. Her heart had broken, plunging her into depression. Numair tried, desperately, to cheer her up. He would shower her with love and affection. He never mentioned the idea of trying again to have children. Afraid it was too soon, he never brought up any of it. Daine on the other hand, thought about it constantly. It never escaped her mind. She was a midwife's daughter; she knew exactly what two miscarriages meant. One, and extreme care was required. Two and the sad truth was an all likelihood of barrenness. It tortured Numair to see Daine hurting so much. He wished she would open up to him, tell him all her fears, and assure him she would be all right.
When August arrived, Princess Kalasin returned to the castle from the convent. Daine and she had kept in touch over the years; Kalasin had been the closest thing to a sister Daine had ever had. Five years younger then the Wild mage, Kalasin had consulted Daine on many issues young women had. The Princess eagerly stepped forward to comfort Daine in her time of need. They spent many mornings together in the stables and Rider camp, the Riders having gone to their summer camp. They spent much of their time looking after the spare ponies. They conversed for hours on end. Daine seemed much happier with Kalasin near. It gave her someone to care for. Realizing years ago the protective streak Daine carried for the young princess, Kalasin allowed Daine to take on the roll of older sister, an older sister Kalasin was happy to have.
Numair was immensely relieved to see Daine smile every now and again. Even though her heart wasn't in it, it seemed as though the sadness that had overtaken her eyes had faded somewhat. Daine talked more often to others, went to banquets and dinners where she would dance and chat. After the first few Kalasin had dragged her to with a desperate plea to keep her company, Daine's began to come around.
Daine herself didn't notice the days go by. They seemed to blend together to form endless hours. Those first few months had been some of the worst in her memory. The pain didn't come from the outside. It came from within. The horrid inner-voice that had sprung up after her first miscarriage, the one she had dismissed so easily, had forced its way into her mind again soon after the second. The voice was of questions and doubt. She would run the months during her pregnancy through her mind, desperately searching for what she had done wrong. And while she couldn't think of any answers to that question, she slowly convinced herself of her carelessness and unobservant behavior. Whatever she had done, it had caused this entire nightmare. It was consuming her, creeping into every facet of her life. Since the second miscarriage, Numair made love to her almost sadly and restrained. It was only further indication of her fault in the situation. 'How can he even look at me?' she wondered.
Shortly after her 21st birthday, the king held a banquet for the Tortallan mages. An Earth mage, one who specialized in agriculture and Land magic, brought along and introduced his wife and daughter. They were presenting the child to court. Customarily, when a noble couple or Mage had a child, they would introduce the child to their monarchs during the first few months of said child's life; a sign of respect to their monarch. They would reintroduce them again five or six years later, when the child was able to talk and understand the world around them. It was also a way of introducing the child to the societal world in which they belonged.
The little girl's name was Constance of Demur, a northeastern fief of the kingdom. She was very well behaved during the small ceremony, but as soon as dinner was served and everyone started chatting and relaxing, she turned into a laughing, giggling child. Everyone was instantly in love with her. The child was so adorable, everyone would give her a little hidden treat. Daine watched the child with wishful eyes. Would that be what her children would have been like if they had survived? At one point in the evening Constance fell flat on her stomach. Her mother stood up and walked over to her to help her up. The child simply looked at her dusty dress and with a trembling voice said, "I'm sorry momma; I know I'm supposed to be careful to not get my pretty new dress dirty, but I tripped." Her mother simply bent down and kissed her daughter on the cheek. She then poked her daughter in the stomach and Constance broke out into a fit of giggling shrikes. The mother picked her up and swung her into a hug, playfully tickling her and laughing merrily.
When Daine saw this, her heart began to throb again. Her chin trembled slightly and a fresh threat of tears came to her eyes. Numair observed her from across the room and looked to see at what she was staring. When he realized she was looking at the mother and daughter he looked back to her with worried eyes.
Kalasin walked to the bench Daine where was seated, took her hand and massaged it softly. "Are you alright?"
Daine looked to Kalasin quickly, as if she had been a million miles away and suddenly realized it. She gave Kalasin a small smile and squeezed her hand in reassurance. "I'm fine, Kali. Thank you." Kali smiled back and made a face when her father motioned for her to join him. Daine swallowed hard; apparently, by some phenomenon of natural law and physics, her throat was now producing rocks. The thought was a bitter one. She looked down at her hands, which rested in her lap. 'Just don't look back at them' she told herself as she played with the lace on her emerald green dress. 'If you don't look, they won't bother you'. She snorted. "Out of sight, out of mind."
"What was that lass?"
Her head snapped up at the sudden interruption in her thoughts. George stood there in a blue silk tunic and black breaches. "George! I didn't see you there."
His face gave way to a smug grin. "Well, that's from all those years in the business of buyin' and sellin' merchandise."
She snorted. "Buying and selling huh? Did you sell many of those 'oh, so wonderful' ears?"
George's face twisted in a grimace. "They weren't in much demand," he said with a note of what she suspected was irony. She smiled despite herself and laughed. "Well now, I haven't seen you laugh like that in a while darlin'. Where have you been hidin' that pretty little grin at?"
She blushed prettily and whispered, "Thank you, George."
His smile faded slightly and he said with trepidation, "You know, Numair is worried about you, Daine. If you would talk to him, I'm sure you both would feel better."
Her smile vanished instantly. "I don't think he wants to talk to me about it. I've hurt him. I don't think he'll ever want to talk to me about it."
George's eyes became wide. "Here now, you know that's not true. Numair loves you more than anything else in this world. Why would you think that lass?"
She looked down at her hands again and sighed. "No reason, I guess. I'm sorry, George. I know I must be depressing you."
He smiled at her. "No, but I have to go over and speak with my Lioness for a few moments about the children. You'll be alright?"
She nodded at him and gave him a tiny smile. He patted her knee, got up, and obediently walked up to his wife, who had been beckoning him over for the last few minutes. Daine sighed as she stood up. 'I shouldn't look so depressed in front of all these people. It won't do to get them all worried over nothing.' She looked over towards Numair. He was in deep in conversation with the Lord Provost. She considered what George had said. But, just as quickly, dismissed it entirely. 'No point in making him angry with me.'
"It really is quite distressing. Even with a guard placed at the doors every night, the thief manages to get in. Yet, there is no consistency in their actions. It only happens two or three times a month. And who every it is, is taking various objects. None connected to each other. The herbs, the scrolls, the notes taken from mages…none of them are connected. It's as if they're doing it just for fun." Numair said in annoyance.
"The door's locks are never opened. That spell you cast sets off an alarm if the door is opened at night. It means they're not going through the door. And there are no windows…perhaps there are some passages connected there that we are not aware of?"
Numair looked up. "That is a possibility."
"I'll speak to his Majesty about it tonight. It's the only thing we have to work with at this point." He sighed. "I'm getting tired of hearing all the mages complain about scrolls with personal notes being stolen." He grumbled.
Numair smiled. "We mages get angered easily when it concerns our work."
Just then, George sauntered over and cleared his throat. "My apologies, but could I speak to you for a moment Numair?"
"Yes, yes. Go ahead George. I should go speak to the Lioness anyhow. Thank you, Numair." He nodded and headed off.
"George." Numair said in greeting. "How are you?"
Daine had seated herself next to some scholars who were ranting on and on about the next meteor shower. She tried to get lost in the conversation, but soon her mind and eyes wandered. Her eyes looked over to Numair. He was standing next to George, who was in turn speaking to Numair with a look of determination. Numair however, seemed to be distracted. He was looking at something across the room. She followed his point of view and landed on Constance of Demur and her father. He had her up in his arms pointing at one of the tapestries. Most likely explaining the History it depicted. Daine looked back to Numair. He had a look of longing that made Daine catch her breath. 'Oh, Gods!' She had known Numair wanted children. But seeing that sad look on his face was too much. Suddenly, Daine didn't want to be in the room with so many people. She got up abruptly and walked out the dinning hall doors. Her hands were shaking badly; she had to clasp them together to keep them steady. Her chin was trembling, and all she wanted to do was curl into a little ball on her bed and cry herself to sleep.
She didn't get too far. She felt someone grab her by the elbow and turn her around. It was Numair. She tried to pull away but he pulled her into a tight hug. She struggled for a few moments, trying to push away from him. "No, please let me go," she pleaded weakly. But he held on, hushing her.
She didn't understand why he wanted to be so close to the woman who had killed his children. 'Why does he still love me?' she asked herself miserably. She didn't think she could keep from crying anymore. She looked up into his face and said with a shaky and pleading voice, "I'm so sorry, Numair. Please, please forgive me. I didn't mean it. Please, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
Numair didn't understand. "What are you sorry about, Magelet? You didn't do anything wrong."
"Yes, I did." Her voice cracked with her next words. "I killed them. I killed our children. It's my fault that they died. It was me. Please, oh, Gods, forgive me, Numair." She was trembling violently.
Numair couldn't believe his ears. Daine thought that she was responsible for the children. She had convinced herself it was all her fault. George had said that this situation could easily get out of hand, if they didn't talk about it. He never thought it would be like this. He grabbed her shoulder with one hand and her chin with the other. He forced her to look at him. He looked straight into her eyes and said with a stern voice. "No. Daine, it is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. I know this. Everyone knows this. You need to know this. It just happened. I can't forgive you if there is nothing to forgive. I love you, Magelet. I always have and always will. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing!" He said the last word fiercely.
She knew he was right. She always had known. It just seemed so much easier to blame herself for it. She wouldn't have to deal with the pain that way. At least, that was what she had thought. Turns out, it hurt more this way. He continued to stare at her, waiting for a reaction. She felt he heart lurch and felt those blasted rocks form again in her throat. Biting he lip to try and control her self, she nodded almost imperceptibly. She gave in at last and a small sob escaped between her clenched lips and teeth. Then, another and another. Soon, she was sobbing. Numair gathered her up in his arms and held her, one hand around her shoulders, the other holding the back of her head to his chest. He buried his face in her hair and whispered softly. "You're going to be fine, Magelet. We are going to be fine." She knew he spoke the truth. She would be fine. And so would they.