"Dear Diary"
Part I
Kurama's Diary I
A/N: Same warnings apply here, except Kurama's diary may be a little more offensive to the squeamish than Hiei's was.
Day 1:
As I was going through my morning ritual today, I noticed a little spot of irritated skin that's a potential acne problem. In my helpless frustration, I took out my rage on the mirror, which now has a crack. Need to get a new mirror. Ningen bodies suck ass . . . back in Makai, when I had my much stronger, more muscular, and definitely sexier body I never had a single pimple in a thousand years. Why must I now suffer the horror that is blotchy, red, bacterial-infected skin???
I knew I shouldn't have gone to Yomi's wild party that night . . . if I hadn't had that massive hangover while I was staggering home, that hunter never would have shot me! Now that I think about it . . . Yomi must have spiked my drink! I wasn't only famous for being a thief – I won hell of a lot of money by winning bets on how much liquor I could hold.
But how did that old bastard know I was there? He's blind . . . shit, I remember now. I shouldn't have been singing karaoke at the top of my lungs earlier that evening . . .
Anyway, it's ok. Three girls approached me at school today to ask me out, and a guy came up to me on the street to declare his undying love for me. Told him I was a male. The guy yelled insanely that nothing could stand in the way of true love. Repeated slowly and clearly that I was a boy. He did a double take and gaped at me. Got out of there as fast as my good manners would allow me.
Oh yeah, still got it.
Day 2:
That short fire demon who tried to kill me a year ago showed up today with an interesting proposition. He wants me to join him and his friend in stealing the Three Treasures of Reikai. I was going to turn him down (I mean, being seen by anyone with this fashion-impaired midget is such a mortifying prospect) but then I remembered that one of the Three Treasures is a mirror. And not just any mirror either . . . this mirror grants any wish you desire when its power is released at the full moon.
When we get it, I'm either going to wish for split-end free hair, or a clear complexion. I've heard there's a price for the wish, though . . . better look that up. I mean, it's no good wishing for beautiful skin if it turns out the price is a horrible facial deformity.
Day 6:
Well, we got the artifacts, but I actually had to perform a striptease to distract the guards! Oh, the humiliation . . . it was Hiei's suggestion. That little bastard – I caught him goggling at me as I – er, as I removed a certain article of clothing. Need to watch out for him – Kaasan always said not to trust strangers who touch you in uncomfortable places, and well, Hiei was touching himself in rather compromising places.
As we were talking about the Treasures in a forest, some ningen who claimed to be a Spirit Detective showed up and challenged us. I just walked away . . . I couldn't stand the way Hiei was looking at me. (Can he use his Jagan to see through clothing?) I saw Hiei was following and did the only thing I could think of – I took my shirt off. Thankfully, he backed off. What if he didn't leave though? I shudder to think of what could have happened.
Now that I have the mirror, I intend to put it to good use. Only two girls approached me today with recitations of worshipful adoration. . . that little splotch of inflamed skin must be a turnoff. I've tried everything – from Kaasan's age-defying lotion to washing my face with egg yolk. But I'm still not quite sure what the price is.
Day 7:
Found out the price of the mirror is a life. I guess I'm not going to wish for good skin or perfect hair, because what good is it to me if I'm dead? Maybe I'll just wish for Kaasan to live . . . I do feel guilty about using her facial lotion. Yeah, I forgot to mention that she's in the hospital right now and close to death. Baka me.
I went to see the Spirit Detective who interrupted us the other day – I don't want to have gone to all that trouble and then have him kill me without even having saved my mother – and told him I'd give him the mirror in three days. That's when the moon is full.
Heard his name is Yusuke, and he killed Gouki. Hmph. Gouki deserved it for implying I was weak just because I look like a girl.
Day 10:
I'm alive!!! Yeah! Need to do a little victory dance . . . Hah, that Yusuke is so pathetic. I told him my life story, made up a few details to appeal to his sentimental side, and took him to see Kaasan. After that, he was willing to die for her. So it was all good.
I – wait, what was that black streak that just flashed past my window? Creepy . . . I'm locking my window. I wonder if Hiei's stalking me? Oh god, he's even worse than I thought. I really need to be careful.
Day 11:
Yusuke went after Hiei yesterday. When I found out, I was so eager to help him kill Hiei that I found them, and saved Yusuke's life by getting impaled through the stomach. At least I had the satisfaction of blinding Hiei temporarily by throwing my blood into his Jagan. Hiei didn't die . . . Yusuke's too much of a goody two-shoes, but at least he's going to be locked up.
Day 12:
Shit. It turns out that even though I used the Mirror for a good purpose and helped Yusuke, I'm still going to be punished. I'm in a cell in Reikai . . . and there are no mirrors, and Koenma won't agree to give me any hairstyling products – the horror! Kaasan always told me to be prepared for emergencies – oh, why didn't I pay any attention to her? My hair must look like hell now – and I'm sure this dark, clammy dungeon isn't working wonders for my complexion either.
More than personal hygiene, if it comes to having to seduce Koenma to let me out, it won't be as effective as if I was looking my best.
Day 13:
One day I'm going to take that damned pacifier of his and shove it down his slimy little throat. Tried to entice him last night – thought that with the dungeons being so dark, he wouldn't notice my lack of conditioning. As I was placing my hand subtly on his thigh and batting my eyelashes at him – he interrupted me contemptuously and announced that he wouldn't be entering puberty for another 2000 years or so and was therefore immune to my overt sexual advances. I've never been so embarrassed – except for that one time at school when I got a nosebleed during Family Life.
Wait a minute . . . if he's so free from worldly desires, then why does he always visit me in his teenage form? I'll file that under "Suspicions to be Investigated Later . . .." I suppose I should be grateful – imagine flirting with a toddler! That would look – oh my god – that would make me a pedophile! And – now that I think of it – I just hit on a guy today! Ok . . . am I – am I gay? Let's do a little test – visualize a curvy, scantily-clad harem woman. I feel something, right? Ok, now visualize a naked guy – oh jeez – I'm not getting turned on by that, am I???
The questionable nature of my sexual orientation, being kept in a cell in Reikai, being denied basic grooming supplies, and the biggie - being rejected for the first time in my life – there's no way life could get worse. Yeah, that's it, be optimistic . . .
Day 20:
Koenma's going to die!!! He's making me help Yusuke with his job as Reikai Tantei, which is bad enough since Yusuke's leering at me all the time (shouldn't have saved his life – I think ningens accept "he saved my life" as a valid reason to fall in love). To make matters worse, Hiei's also being punished this way! Firstly, he deserves a much more severe punishment than I do – and secondly, what am I going to do about the way he keeps trying to feel me up?
"Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't see, this castle is way too dark . . . I'm trying to feel my way around . . ." Sure . . . like anyone's going to believe that.
Another nasty surprise: that boy who came up to me on the street with his eloquent confession is here as well! His name is Kazuma Kuwabara, and he seems to get well along enough with Yusuke, but Hiei hates his guts.
Argh . . . it doesn't really matter what their external relationships are. What I need to focus on is that they're all after me! How could Koenma do this to me!? What if I get raped or something!?! Kaasan always said beauty came with a price – for the first time in my life, I wish I didn't look so hot, irresistible, desirable, sensual – and yeah, you get the picture. But I guess I would make me mine . . . I'm just too sexy. I can't blame them.
Later
We're at this weird castle, which I forgot to mention since I was so nervous about the fact that everyone here wants me in their beds badly, to stop these Four Saint Beasts from taking over the world or something. Definitely not as important as my current predicament.
Anyway, we were at this place called the Gate of Betrayal, and the ceiling started to come down. Of course, it being a perfect place to die, since if I was squashed flat, the others couldn't screw my corpse or whatever other perverted deeds they're capable of, I didn't really try to hold it up, although I pretended like I was. Yusuke told Hiei to go flip the switch, which would save us. I was very grateful Hiei was the fastest, because he's evil and would undoubtedly leave us here to die. That was when I made my big mistake – I looked him right in the eyes, full of gratitude that he would let me die, flat, untouched, and clean. So I didn't want to die a virgin in this human form, but dying untouched by these other three horny bastards is better than nothing. Hiei must have remembered that he couldn't screw me if I were squished like a bug, so he flipped the damn switch.
Then later, I fought the first Saint Beast we came up against, a stone monster named Genbu. I thought, "How can I kill a guy made out of stone?" So I was sure to die, even if my first attempt had failed. Damned beast was just too stupid though . . . I killed him without having to try, though I did manage to get a deep cut through the abdomen – right where Hiei cut me before. If I'm lucky, I'll bleed to death. Better being dead than being alive stuck here with these lecherous perves.
Later
Second Saint Beast has been vanquished by Kuwabara. If only he had died . . . I mean, if all of them die, then I won't have to die to save myself.
Later
Hiei fought Seiryuu, the third guy. Apparently Byakko hadn't died, so when he came back to beg Seiryuu's help, Seiryuu killed him. In an unusual display of comradeship, Hiei vowed he would kill Seiryuu for not helping his cohort. I bet Hiei thinks that if he acts all noble and mighty, I'll fall in love with him. Hah! I can see through your deranged plan, you short, sad little man! There's no way I'm ever developing any affections for you!
Later
We're up against some weird vegetable soldiers – Cultivated Humans, I believe they're called – and we had to send Yusuke up ahead to defeat the last Saint Beast. He had to get up to this tower – and Hiei had another one of his brilliant ideas. He suggested we stand on each other's shoulders so Yusuke could jump on us and up to the tower. And who do you think got to stand on my shoulders? I swear, I kept getting bad vibes from Hiei – bad vibes as in he wanted to start humping my head. Thank god, he refrained from doing whatever sick and twisted acts his rampant hormones were suggesting.
Aren't you just getting tired of all the "laters"?
So Yusuke beat Suzaku. Probably only because he kidnapped Yusuke's girlfriend, Keiko. Which strangely enough, happened only a short while ago with Hiei. Gotta feel sorry for the poor girl. Seems everyone's after her too. I know how that feels. At least this mission is over. Everyone keeps looking at me. And not in a good way. In the way that hungry people look at their Big Macs.
A/N: I briefly toyed with the idea of writing Kurama's diary as the predatory, lust-filled youko that Hiei made him out to be, but then realized I just couldn't do that to itooshi's character . . . and I'm sure you've noticed that his version differs greatly from Hiei's. Hehe . . . but we all know who's telling the truth, ne? Because the one who's lying is suffering from delusions produced by his poor demented love-starved mind. We ought to pity him.
So an apology to all KxH lovers, but I really don't support that ship.
And Yusuke and Kuwabara . . . are they really after Kurama? Or is poor Kura-chan being a little paranoid? Well, knowing me, what do you think?
I'm already pretty sure that I'll be doing a chapter featuring Karasu during Part II (the Ankoku Bujutsukai) but I don't really know who else I should feature. Any ideas? Please tell me which part his/her diary should be in, because I don't really think that I will be doing other people's diaries throughout the entire thing.
I just love C&C, so won't you plz give me some? n_n