"Dear Diary"
Part I
Kuwabara's Diary I
Day 1:
Damnit, today was an shitty day! First I told this beautiful girl on the street that I loved her, and then found out she was a guy . . . my manly pride was wounded by such a blind mistake . . . so I had the need to take out my anger on something. At that moment, Urameshi happened along. Aha, I thought, perfect, I can beat him up.
He beat the hell out of me. For the 201st time. The only good thing is, my friends can't count . . . they think it's the 156th time he's beat me, and I guess Urameshi can't count either.
Day 2:
Ooh . . . today turned out a little better. Urameshi got run over by a car yesterday, which kind of depressed me – he beat me up one time and stole several hundred yen! Now he can't pay me back! And I worked so hard for that money too – this punk from another school paid it to me if ran around his school with a pair of pink briefs over my head mooing loudly. So I staggered to his wake cursing and crying – I've never had more money at any time in my life! But Okubo, Sayamura, and Kirishima dragged me away before I could force Urameshi's mother to pay up.
Anyway, if he's dead, he won't be able to beat me up anymore, which is good, and there was something else. I kinda don't really remember what happened, but this beautiful girl was hugging me really tightly! Hehe . . . so she slapped me really hard and then ran away, but you know how shy girls are. It's the first time anyone's ever hugged me willingly! I knew that girls wouldn't be able to resist my masculine charm for too long – it's probably only the first of many times girls will be unable to keep their hands off me in public.
I feel so moved by this experience that I'm gonna write a poem. Lots of people don't know I write poetry, because I have to maintain my tough guy image, but I appreciate beautiful things too.
Ode to Joy
Some girl came up to me today
And she hugged me
But then she ran away.
Maybe because my armpits are stinky?
But hey, who cares, because Urameshi's dead!
Even though I lost the money
From running around with briefs on my head
I'm feeling fine and sunny!
Day 3:
Found out that girl was Urameshi's girlfriend, Keiko. It's a good thing he's dead – he'd probably beat the hell out of me if he found out I touched her, but I saw some assholes picking on her today, so me and my friends saved her.
That's when Akashi, my screwed teacher came up and said if we got into any more fights, he'd take away Okubo's license to work. I was going to keep fighting anyway, but then I figured I could get Okubo to pay me the money Urameshi owed me.
Later, I got ambushed by some jerks, who I couldn't fight against because of my frigging promise. Damn, it hurts like hell! Akashi's got it in for me ever since I caught him snogging with Iwamoto after school that day. That was hella funny . . . I think Akashi's huge front teeth were causing problems for Iwamoto . . . if I'd gotten pictures, then maybe getting beaten up would have been worth it.
Day 4:
Got my ass kicked by even more guys . . . this sucks. As if it weren't enough that now my face is so horribly bruised that no girl in her right mind would even look at me, Akashi's decided that I have to get 50% on the next test. Last time I got a shitty 7%. I need to pass! I need Okubo's money damnit!
I'm going to spend all night studying – a first.
Day 5:
Studying wasn't so bad. I fell asleep halfway through, so I didn't have to suffer that much. Then I had a weird dream that Urameshi was helping me study – ha! As if. He only got 5% better than me on that last test!
But then Akashi told me I failed the test by just one question. That lying piece of shit had erased one of my answers! I was going to punch him, but then I felt this hella weird feeling – like Urameshi was telling me not to. I froze – I mean, Urameshi haunting me is the last thing I want – when Takenaka interrupted and told me that I passed. Wooh! I think Takenaka's had a grudge against Akashi for a long time because deep down he's got a thing for Iwamoto too. Scary.
Day 6:
I was punching this bag with Urameshi's face drawn on it (yup, I'm not only a poet, I'm also an artist) when I got this nasty freaky feeling, and then I saw smoke coming from Urameshi's neighborhood. His house was on fire, and Keiko, his gorgeous girlfriend, was dragging something out of it. So I ran in to help her, figuring if nothing else, it would be a good chance to touch her, maybe even feel her up.
It turned out she was carrying Yusuke's body! It's kinda sick . . . I couldn't believe they hadn't buried that ugly bastard yet – but then I found out he's still alive somehow. I wonder why he's not dead – but it doesn't matter because now I can make him pay up!
Day 7:
Whoa, I had a helluva freaky dream last night. I dreamed . . . that I was kissing Urameshi! Ugh! Nasty! I feel . . . so unclean! I woke up screaming. Oh god, I'd rather get beaten up a million times than go through that kind of torture again!
And then I was in the arcade, trying to keep my mind off that by playing a game, when I got this horrible feeling – a cold, funny feeling – and the weird instinct that someone was telling me to kiss them!
I got out of there as fast as I could.
Day 8:
Oh my god! Someone stole Eikichi! My beloved kitty! I'm nothing without her! It was that bastard Sakamoto, and he made me steal mangas for him before he would give her back. I didn't want to steal them because I stole a lot of things from that store already, and I didn't want to get in trouble again, so I just bought them. (I swear that the store clerk recognized me though and made me pay double price) Then he found the receipt and got mad, so he told me to get on my knees and beg forgiveness. I did that, because I was so worried about Eikichi – she's the first female who ever gave me unconditional love! - but then we all went outside and he told me to beat up my friends. I didn't want to do that because I knew they'd all be after me if I did that, even though they said all these brave things like, "Go ahead, Kuwabara, we can take it."
Liars! All of them! Anyway, Sakamoto was going to kill Eikichi, when Yusuke showed up and then we beat the crap out of Sakamoto and his friends . . . hehe.
I feel a poem coming on . . .
My Adorable Kitty
My cat Eikichi is so cute
I love her more than anything
(Except maybe girls with large chests)
But she comes very close
She has a special place in my heart.
Ooh . . . that one's deep. I think I'll put it in my exclusive collection: "The Best of Kuwabara."
Day 12:
Those weird feelings I got were just too creepy, so I went to go see this old psychic named Genkai. She turned out to be this tiny little hag with a bad attitude. A whole bunch of other people were there – some crap about her passing on her powers, and people wanting to be her disciples. Hell, I just wanted to get rid of those freaky vibes!
Urameshi was there, too. He claimed he was there to investigate this demon who wanted her powers. Suuure. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but I'm not retarded.
We all had to pass some test involving red paper, which I didn't want, but I did.
Then the old lady made us play a bunch of games, which she said was another test. Uhuh. Yeah, well, then she made us fight our way through this evil forest. Finally, there's like ten people left after her grueling tortures, and then she makes us fight each other.
While I was fighting this one guy I discovered I had magical powers! Hehe, I can make this big blazing sword appear out of my hands! And then later I find out there really is an evil demon at the tournament, when he shrinks me and breaks my arm. Damn, that was painful!
Then Yusuke had to fight him, and he almost died (again), which I couldn't have because he still hasn't given me the money, so I went out of my body (a helluva freaky feeling) and told him to get off his lazy ass.
So Urameshi won the damn tournament, and then Genkai made me go home without giving me help on the creepy vibes I get. The whole thing was a waste. Although I did meet this pretty girl named Botan, who I asked to marry me. She still hasn't given me an answer yet. Ah well. Girls need time for big decisions like these.
Day 25:
I met Yusuke after he was done with Genkai's damn training, so he couldn't avoid me when I asked for my money. But then his bitchy girlfriend was there, and I didn't want to piss her off, so I let it go. We were going to see a movie together, when Urameshi took off. I followed him (he's a sneaky one) and he claimed we were being followed. There were these scary people with blue skin, who we had to fight.
And then Botan showed up, and told us about this Spirit World crap. She said some Beasts were trying to take over the world using bugs that crawl inside people's mouths. I wanted to ask her what she thought about my proposal, but she seemed to think that this was more important. We headed to this warehouse, where there was a hole in the floor. It was green and funny-looking, and I didn't really want to go jump in there, even though I was going to follow Urameshi no matter where he went, because, damnit, he owes me hundreds of yen!
But at that moment, he remembered we ditched Keiko. I freaked out – I mean, getting beaten up by Urameshi is bad enough, I don't need to be on his girlfriend's hit list too – and jumped.
He came after me, and we landed in this weird haunted town, and then these zombies started popping out of the ground like daisies!
I was really upset because I would be dying: a) without my money b) without being published (my secret ambition!) and c) without hearing an answer from Botan.
Then, these two people appeared. And horror of horrors, one of them was that suspicious looking "guy" who I proposed to the day Urameshi died. I was so embarrassed . . . but it kind of looks like he's forgotten. I mean, he seems to be focusing all his attention on Yusuke, even though Urameshi already has Keiko . . . I mean, all the attention he can spare from himself. He's a conceited, self-absorbed little prat. As evidenced from his constantly asking questions about his appearance: "How's my hair? Does it look okay? Do I have green stuff between my teeth? Is this a zit? What do you think I should do with my skin?"
Okay, so he was thoughtful enough to point out to me once, "Kuwabara, you've got really dry hair. It looks chemically damaged. Do you dye it?"
Which led to Hiei snickering something that sounded suspiciously like: "It would explain the garishly bright color."
Speaking of Hiei. He's short, ugly as hell, and really mean, but he seems to like Kurama (girly guy) a lot. It's kind of disturbing to see how Kurama can reduce this seemingly heartless bastard to a quivering mass of jelly with just one look. And sad too, since it's so obvious that Kurama's interested in Yusuke. Damn, it's a fucking love triangle!
After those two helped us kill all the walking dead, we came to this gate where we were going to be squished, since the ceiling came down and we had to hold it up. There was a switch to flip, and this demented eyeball thing kept cackling about how one of us would betray the others, blah, blah, blah. Yusuke told Hiei to go because he's supposedly the fastest. I thought that was hella stupid because Hiei's evidently dark, evil, and destructive. But I guess Yusuke was relying on Hiei's unrequited love for Kurama, and it worked, because all Kurama had to do was give one of his looks, and Hiei just about melted. He almost got crushed by the boulder, which I bet Yusuke was planning on too, since Hiei couldn't see it in the back where he was, but I did. Yusuke probably wanted to get rid of the competition, but Kurama doesn't seem to be giving a second thought to Hiei. Hiei would have died if the damn eyeball mutant hadn't told him about it! Damnit!
...
We just came against the first Saint Beast, this stone guy named Genbu. Kurama fought him, and was injured, but not too badly. The way Hiei keeps biting his nails and staring nervously at him, you'd think Kurama was convulsing violently in apoplectic fits and coughing up blood. For that matter, when I pointed out Hiei's excessive concern to Yusuke, he wasn't really listening; he was watching Kurama with wide eyes. God, what's so fascinating about that wuss?! He wears pink clothes, waist-length hair that reeks of flowers and perfume, and glittery lip gloss, damnit! If you need to be a crossdresser to get a little attention around here, I'm just going to go throw myself off a bridge.
...
Feeling the need to prove my stalwart manliness in comparison to Kurama's extreme femininity, I boldly took up the next fight. It was some big hairy dude named Byakko. I killed him in an amazing display of strength and bravery. Hah! I'm so much better than that wimpy mama's boy!
...
Apparently, Hiei had the urge to look masculine to raise himself in Kurama's eyes, so he volunteered to fight the next one pompously. He killed Seiryuu in the end, but I could have finished him off much more quickly. I don't think anything that Hiei does is going to make Kurama like him . . . he's so damn short and freaky. In fact, I made up a poem about him. Here goes:
Hiei
Hiei is a short little turd
He's so ugly that it's absurd
He made me mad
Cuz he said I was sad
And then he called me a bad word.
Yup, that pretty much represents my feelings toward him. Hate, resentment, anger, and, uh . . . more hate!
...
After Hiei killed Seiryuu, we came up against an army of more zombies, and of course Yusuke had to go ahead to fight the last person, because he'd got the desire to look manful and virile to Kurama as well. So Hiei, being the ingenious strategist that he is, said we should all stand on each other's shoulders so Yusuke could use us as a ladder to the tower where the Fourth Saint Beast was. And, Hiei also being the kind person that he is, generously let me stand on the bottom, and let everyone else stand on top of me. Oh, the pain . . . I swear I'll get revenge someday!
...
Well, Yusuke defeated Suzaku. I'm so glad this mission is over; I can't stand being with these sappy, lovesick guys drooling over each other. (Hmm . . . it's actually Yusuke and Hiei drooling over Kurama, and Kurama mooning over himself) And I don't think Botan's going to say yes. I feel alone . . . I need a hug. But I know I'll find true love someday! No one can resist the valiant charm of Kazuma Kuwabara!
A/N: Will Kuwabara ever find his true love? Will he ever be published? (Hehe, I seriously doubt it) And will he ever get his money back? So many unanswered questions . . .