"Dear Diary"
Part I
Yusuke's Diary I
Day 1:
Nothing feels more satisfying than beating the crap out of your most hated rival. Kuwabara's so sad . . . this is like, what, the 201st time I've beaten him? He's so dumb he thinks it's the 156th, but I'll just let him go on believing that, to spare him some dignity. If he has any left.
Day 2:
I've always known school was evil. Now I have my proof: I went to school yesterday. I died yesterday! Oh well. Now I can haunt people! Muahahaha!
Later
Who would have guessed that Grim Reapers were cute blue-haired chicks? Can't wait till I get to hell. It seems that I actually did something good for once in my life when I saved that little brat's life. Botan (blue-haired chick on oar) says that I might get a chance to come back to life. Which is pretty cool, I guess, but then I won't get to ogle all the hot girls in the afterlife.
Day 3:
Told Botan the reason I might not want to come to life. She slapped me, called me a perve, and said there were no cute girls in the afterlife. Just a lot of dead people. When I'm alive, I get slapped by pretty girls. When I'm dead, I get slapped by pretty girls. What's the difference?
Anyway, she took me to see Koenma, the all-mighty, powerful, wise ruler of Reikai – who turns out to be a toddler. Sure, he claims to be potty-trained . . . but then how do you explain the questionable lump in the seat of his pants? After he yelled at me a bit for laughing at him, he gave me an egg. Yup. An egg. No magical elixirs, no mystical spells. An egg – so it's golden, but it's not like I can sell it. Then he said that it'd feed off my spiritual energy or something like that, and hatch something. If I radiate evil, then it'll hatch a monster that will eat me. What kind of sham are they running down there?
Day 4:
Damn, this is boring. Botan won't let me out of her sight for a minute, which means I can't go spy on Keiko when she's in the shower. But she did let me get into Keiko's dreams, to tell her I was coming back to life. What I really want is to get inside her pants, but I guess I'll have to wait till I've got a body again.
Day 5:
Keiko doesn't place much importance on her dreams – I guess I wouldn't either if I dreamed mutant sticks of broccoli were coming to get me when I was four – but this is a matter of life and death, damnit!
So that's when Botan allowed me to get into someone's body to tell her personally. I chose Kuwabara, because for some strange reason, Keiko likes to show her affection for me by inflicting pain, and, well, I can never pass up an opportunity to hurt Kuwabara.
I went into Kuwabara's body, found Keiko, and told her I wasn't dead. It wasn't a wasted effort – I got to grope her chest and hug her, hehe. And then when I went out of Kuwabara, I got to see her punch him. That was extremely gratifying.
Day 6:
Apparently Kuwabara is in trouble with Akashi. He had to promise not to fight, or Akashi would revoke Okubo's license to work. Then Akashi told him he had to get at least 50% on the next test as well. I felt sorry for Kuwabara, because he got beaten up pretty badly, and decided to help him study for the test. Okay, so what I actually wanted is for Kuwabara to get the money from Okubo so I won't have to pay him (I spent all of it on a bunch of Playboys), but hey, it'll look like a good deed to everyone else, and I don't think the golden egg will be hurt by it.
Day 7:
Why does everyone from Reikai look like a toddler? This little girl named Sayaka came to see if anyone cared if I came back to life. Of course they care! Keiko can't live without me, I owe Kuwabara money, and my mom's getting extra unemployment money because she has a kid. See how needed I am? Sayaka eventually understood, and I think I'm going to get to come back to life pretty soon.
Day 8:
I almost lost my chance to come back to life! That hella freaked me out – Keiko seems to understand how much she loves me now that I'm gone – everyone took me for granted. There was a pyromaniac running loose who set my house on fire, where my body was. Keiko rushed in to save me, and she almost died. Kuwabara showed up later as well – damn, I was hoping he'd got the money from his friend.
Anyway, Koenma told me that Keiko would die if I didn't do something. He told me to throw my egg into the fire to save her, which would mean that I couldn't come to life, because I need it. I hesitated a little – I'm not a masochist, and Keiko hurts me more than it's worth sometimes – but then I decided that if I didn't save her, she'd die and come hurt me in the afterlife.
Sometimes I wonder if Keiko is consciously a sadist. Better look into it before I pursue the relationship further.
Day 8:
Koenma's such a bastard. He told me someone needed to kiss me for me to come to life, and he let me get into the dreams of the three people who want me back the most. Mom was too stoned to be any good, so then there's Kuwabara. I had no choice – I had to send him a dream where he was kissing me – god, it was just wrong. Especially since he seemed to be enjoying it.
And thankfully, there's also Keiko. I sent her a dream too, and she came through, though just barely. She looked really happy to see me. Seems that being dead for several days can do wonders for your sex appeal.
Day 9:
It's great to be alive again! One of the first things I did was to find Kuwabara and give him a nasty shock, and I wanted to ask him about that suspicious reaction he seemed to be having during that sick dream. I found him groveling before this guy who was laughing at him and teasing him about someone named Eikichi. That's when I found out Eikichi is Kuwabara's pet kitten. I swear there's something seriously wrong with him.
It was just so pathetic . . . the guy, Sakamoto, told him to beat up his friends, and he refused. Kuwabara's always had a twisted sense of honor. I think he claims it's because he's a gentleman.
So I jumped in and beat up the other guys because I recognized Sakamoto. He cheated me – I bought the Playboys from him at a ridiculous price, and I saw the chance to get back at him. Like I would help Kuwabara for any other reason.
I chased Sakamoto down this alley, where a little demon thing came out of his ear. I'm totally grossed out! And then that's when this fortune-teller lady who I met earlier shows up, and guess who, it's Botan. She gives this big, dramatic speech about how I've become a Spirit Detective and need to do missions for Reikai now. I'm like . . . okaaay. But then she tells me that I'll meet some incredibly sexy people on the job. So I signed up.
Day 10:
I had to go back to school, and Iwamoto was in the middle of framing me for a theft when Koenma came and told me I was to receive my first mission. Turns out Iwamoto was the guilty party, and not only did I manage to put the blame on him, but Koenma showed me this cool power that I had. I can focus my spirit energy into my index finger and shoot it like a gun. Mwaha! I knocked Iwamoto out with one blast, then ran out to meet Koenma.
He told me that there were these three demons who'd stolen three Treasures from Reikai: a mirror, a sword, and a ball. Then he told me they were downtown, which was a big help. I mean, there's only about a few thousand average citizens milling around downtown Tokyo on any given afternoon. But then I saw this kid faint, and a wispy white thing came out of his mouth. I followed it, and came to this creepy ugly guy with horns. That's when these punks ambushed me.
I beat them up, but I wasted a lot of time, and I thought I lost the guy. It started raining, to boot, but then I saw this patch of light filtering through the clouds to an area in the forest. My instincts told me to check it out, and I saw these three people talking. One was short and demented, and he kept swinging this sword around drunkenly. Definitely reminded me of Kuwabara.
Another was the ugly guy I saw first, and he was babbling about how good it was to eat children's souls – honestly, some people can't ever think about anything other than their stomachs.
The third guy/girl (heh, I couldn't really tell) seemed to be really depressed, and I could feel fear too. He/she left after the short one said something to her/him, which made the short one mad, and he followed the androgynous person.
I was hella mad because everyone was walking out on me. Actually, now that I think about it, if the deranged short guy had been leering at me the way he had been at Mysterious Gender Person, I would have ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction. At least the big guy, named Gouki, stayed. We fought, interspersed with commentary about the types of cuisine he liked, and I had to run. I'm pretty badly hurt – he got me in the groin. I hope my equipment's not damaged . . .
Day 11:
Botan made me go fight the big scary person again, and I wasn't even fully recovered. But I beat him this time, and then went looking for the other two. The, er, curiously in-between person, who I think might be a guy, came up to me and said he/she would return the mirror in three days. That's good – one less person that I have to fight.
Day 14:
The person who I couldn't tell whether it was a guy or a girl is a guy, and his name is Kurama. He said he stole the mirror because it grants you any wish on the full moon, and he wanted to wish his mother well, since she had some fatal disease. Kurama told me his whole life story over a cup of tea – how he used to be a youko, but then his first mother sold him on the black market for pictures of Tom Felton in tight leather pants. [1] Whoever he is. Anyway, some mean and evil demon lord bought him and forced him to dance the hokey-pokey for him at meals in a pink leotard for his perverted personal entertainment. Then he was shot running an errand for above-mentioned sick freak and his soul fled to Ningenkai, where someone finally loved him for who he was. It was such a sad story . . . I was crying my eyes out at certain parts, and I had this overwhelming urge to give Kurama a warm and fuzzy hug. God knows he deserves it.
But then I remembered the other guy (Hiei) leering at him, and felt that now was not a good time to initiate physical contact with Kurama. Anyway, I volunteered half of my life so he wouldn't die when the mirror granted him his wish (that's the price to pay), and we saved his ningen mother. I still feel so touched . . . my heart's just bleeding for him.
Day 15:
Fought Hiei today. He was extremely arrogant, and kept bragging about how fast he was. He just never shut up! Again, he weirdly reminds me of Kuwabara. It was hella annoying, but I got him in the end. That asshole had the nerve to kidnap Keiko and try to turn her into a demon, but I had Botan with me, and she helped stop that from happening. Also, Kurama showed up and saved my life by getting stabbed in the stomach in my stead.
I thought that was amazingly sweet. I get a funny tingle every time I look at Kurama. He's so cute sometimes . . . it's really too bad Keiko's murderously possessive.
Day 17:
Koenma sent me on this mission to find a demon named Rando who wanted to inherit a powerful psychic woman's powers. Genkai (aforementioned psychic) was this old bitchy hag, who made everyone go through all these tests to see if they were worthy of her powers. After the crowd had been eliminated to about ten fighters, we all fought each other to decide the winner. Kuwabara discovered some interesting powers: a big sword made of his spirit energy, which he swings around pretty gracelessly. There is definitely an uncanny resemblance between him and Hiei.
He came up against Rando, and the demon broke his arms, which was kinda funny, but I had to stuff my fist into my mouth to keep from laughing, because Botan was there, and Kuwabara had proposed to her. If she likes him (which I seriously doubt, but hey, it's amazing Kuwabara's still alive) it wouldn't do for her to see me sniggering at him.
I beat Rando, even though it was an exceedingly painful process. I thought, woot, I got the tickets to go see Tokyo Dome! But then that old bat says I'm going to have to spend the next six months training with her. Life sucks.
Day 18:
Free at last from her damn training! [2] I swear, she was trying to kill me or something! I mean, locking me in a room with a TV that played nothing but educational children's shows with sickeningly sentimental songs for a week? I almost went mad in there! And she said it was supposed to build up my resolve or something . . . all it did was teach me the lyrics to "Hammy's Happy House."
Almost instantly, I found Keiko, and then Kuwabara showed up, no doubt hoping to get the money out of me. It's unbelievable – he's remembered for over six months now! I even find it hard to believe that he can remember to breathe at certain times.
He probably didn't dare ask me in front of Keiko though – he knows what it's like to be on the receiving end of her wrath. We were going to see a movie, when I noticed these freaky guys stalking us. I went away with Kuwabara, and we drew them into a corner, where we beat them up.
Botan came and told us about this problem Reikai was having with some Four Saint Beasts. I really didn't want to go. Kuwabara insisted on knowing everything, and then he decided he was going when we remembered that we just abandoned Keiko. I freaked out too, and went in to the Saint Beast place after him. Damn Koenma!
We landed in the middle of a village where these monsters started coming out of the ground like in cheesy movies called The Night of the Living Dead. Kuwabara was so scared he was wetting his pants. Really, I saw the stains!
Anyway, I was doing all the fighting, since Kuwabara was just standing there and screaming like a girl, when Hiei and Kurama showed up. It seems their punishment is to join us in our little team.
I was really glad to see Kurama again – and I think he was too. Kuwabara and Hiei are interesting . . . I think there's some definite chemistry between them, but they're both so stubborn and thick, they're not admitting anything. I think Kuwabara's scared that he might be gay. He's in denial. Sad.
I'm bisexual, and I don't see anything wrong with it. Strategically, it doubles my chances. Hehe . . .
Things with Kurama might work out fine if I can find a way to dtich Keiko without having her hire assassins to kill me. Actually, she might just do it herself, but that's beside the point. Hiei's not leering at Kurama anymore now that Kuwabara is here to occupy his attention. It's almost cute, really. The two lovebirds who are infatuated with each other but are both too stupid to realize it. It's kind of like some deranged Disney movie. At the end, everyone will go "Awwww" and melt into puddles when they finally realize that they're perfect for each other.
Kurama's not only a fashion guru (he's enlightened me on the many methods for taking ten pounds off my appearance), but he's also an excellent fighter. He killed Genbu, the first of the Saint Beasts, using a rose, which I thought was so romantic. Hiei seemed to find it interesting as well, but I'm not worrying because it's so obvious that he and Kuwabara have formed a rather solid attachment to each other. It's really sweet, but their difference in heights may present a problem whenever Kuwabara wants to try out new positions with Hiei. (Don't ask me how, but he knows a lot of them) I foresee many hospital visits in the future every time Kuwabara decides to get a little "frisky."
Kuwabara fought this beast named Byakko. I always knew he was a poor fighter, why can't he just admit it? Hiei seemed to notice as well, and he offered a lot of criticism, but I could tell that when he's nervous, he just gets even surlier. He's one of those people. Anyone can tell he's infatuated with Kuwabara to care so much. It's plain to see that they're just meant to be. After all, they fight like a married couple. [3]
Hiei just fought Seiryuu, the third guy. We're on our way up to fight the Saint Beasts' leader, and I don't know what's happening, but everyone seems to be going mad. Hiei keeps muttering, "Need . . . to be . . . strong," and Kuwabara is chanting words like, "Bird, heard, curd," etc. Definitely weird. I know I'm fine, and it seems like Kurama's okay too, unless you count the way he obsesses over a fingernail he broke while fighting Genbu. But then, with the perfect manicure that he has, I guess I would be hysterical if I broke a nail too.
I just fought Suzaku, the Fourth Saint Beast. He sent some people to kill Keiko, which was kind of convenient – if she's dead, then I'll be free to hook up with Kurama. But he had everything in Ningenkai on a screen, and as I watched, she hissed to herself, "Yusuke, you better save me somehow or I'm going to make sure you suffer deeply for the next five hundred years."
Knowing full well that this was no idle threat, I had no choice but to kill Suzaku. He subjected me to some pretty painful tortures, but I know that it's ten times better than anything Keiko could do to me. I'll just have to find some other way to get rid of her. For now, I'll pretend I still love her.
Hopefully Koenma will send us all off on a mission soon. I need Kurama . . . I don't feel complete without him.
A/N: Yay, Yusuke's chapter is done! On to Part II! Part II will probably take more time to complete, as I'm not very familiar with it and will need to do a bit of research. Thanks to Cartoon Network's endless reruns of Part I, I didn't need help with it. Anyone who has seen the entire Part II (from Yukina to end of Ankoku Bujutsukai) or has read the manga and remembers the details, your help will be greatly appreciated! Email me at darkmoonlessnite@yahoo.com if you want to help. (Please!) And I should also note that I will be needing help for Parts III and IV as well.
Belated thanks go out to my many lovely reviewers who are too free with their praise and far too lenient in their criticism.
[1] Heh, this line came from someone on one of the HP mailing lists I'm on, and I couldn't resist. Her exact words were, "I'd sell a baby on the black market for photos of Tom Felton in black leather." For those who don't know, Tom Felton plays Draco Malfoy in the movies, lol.
[2] I realize that I didn't allow for a six month delay between Yusuke's entries, but that would have thrown my crude timeline off. Forgive me for that and other mistakes.
[3] This line is Rose Thorne's; she gave me permission to use it in "The Torture Room of Badfics," where it was not used. If you have any objections now, contact me and I will obligingly remove it. ^^