I think I can breathe now. It's such a relief to James and I both for our immediate family to know and accept what is happening in our lives. I just phoned Peaches. Was she ever excited! She went crazy, as usual, going on about everything. My youngest cousin, Kira, just had her first birthday. Maybe our children will grow up to be good friends. Peaches wants to loan all of her maternity clothes to me, which sounds wonderful since I wasn't exactly looking forward to buying a lot of those. Peaches had some great clothes when she was pregnant; she even got Claudia's approval!

My in-laws are the greatest. I know the news came as a shock to Sheri, but after her initial reaction wore off, she was absolutely elated about becoming a grandmother. James's father seemed pleased as well, even though he was more subdued. Of course, Will and Zach are wonderful about everything. Sometimes it seems like they're my brothers, too. They like to look out for me. Speaking of those two, I think I need to put down my pen and use this time to catch up with them.

I shut my diary with the intention to do just that. The diary that I keep is something I started recently. All of these new, strange emotions have been creeping up on me. The best thing to do, I decided, was to keep an account of my thoughts. Some things make more sense in writing.

I peeked out of James's old bedroom, which was straight across the hall from his youngest brother's room. The door was wide open, and Zach was sitting at his computer. "Zach? Are you busy?"

Zach looked up. "Nope. Absolutely no one is online right now."

"Only millions of other internet gurus like yourself," I joked.

Zach screwed up his face. "Quit outsmarting me, Janine!"

I laughed. "Sorry!"

He grinned. "So why don't you come in and talk to me, big sister?"

I accepted the invitation and took a seat at the foot of his bed. Zach signed off and turned around to give me his full attention. Still smiling, he told me, "You're going to be a great mother."

"Amazing," I replied. "That's exactly what Claudia said."

"It's true," he said. I just blushed.

"What have you been up to?" I asked.

"Well, Mom and Dad just told me about moving to Stoneybrook. They told me last week, but Will and James have known for at least three weeks."

"Yeah," I said, noting that he didn't seem happy about being the last to know. "How do you feel about that?"

He shrugged. "I guess I'm fine with it. It doesn't seem fair that Will's going to stay here with his best friend for the next year. I understand that he doesn't want to leave during his senior year. I guess it wouldn't be right to pull him away from everything he knows and make him start over for one more year."

I studied him closely. "Do you wish you could stay, too?"

He looked away from me. "No, I want to go. I need to get away," he sighed. "I'm just going to miss Will. But I know that I need to get away."

He was looking at a picture of Sarah and himself. They were sitting under the Christmas tree together, smiling and holding wrapped gifts as though about to open them. She died a month later. It had been over four months since the accident, but I saw that Zach's pain was still as strong as ever. He did need to get away from Ashfield. Zach needed to start over.

"Sarah's birthday is in two days," Zach said softly. "She would have been fourteen."

I bit my lip. "I'm so sorry, Zach."

"Me, too," he sighed. "I'm still going to celebrate her birthday, though. On my own. I'm going to bake something she would have loved and blow out fourteen candles in her honor. Is that... weird?"

"No," I gestured for him to come sit by me, and he let me hold him tightly. In awe of his strength, I told him, "That's great."

"I know she'll be watching," Zach added. "I know she always is."

"How do you have such a strong faith?" I had to ask, even though I felt that I should have bitten back my curiosity instead. "How do you have this hope?"

I saw his eyes light up in a way that I hadn't seen in all these months.

"Its funny you should ask me that, in those words," he started. "1 Peter 3:15 says that I should always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks me to give the reason for the hope that I have. I believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God. Do you mind hearing what else I believe?"

Astonished at this statement, I shook my head. "No, please tell me."

He drew in his breath. "Okay, well, all people have sinned. Messed up. That's a fact. Do you agree so far?"

"Yes, that's true."

"I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that He is one with God," he began. "I believe that our sin separates us from God, but that Jesus came, died for our sins on a cross, was buried, and was raised for the dead."

"Wow, that's a lot to believe."

He grinned. "That's not nearly all of it. I believe that Jesus had to become like us in every way. Even in death. He took to power of death away from Satan. Jesus was tempted in every way, but still he was without sin. And I also know from that I've studied that he's coming again."

"I see."

"Did I overwhelm you with that?"

"Slightly."

"I didn't mean to. But we don't agree here, is that true?"

"I just..." I trailed off for a moment. "I don't know what to say to that. That all sounds encouraging, but I'm the kind of person who needs to question everything before I'll believe it."

"That's what I've been doing," he told me. "I've finally decided I believe. It took me months of talking to Sarah about this and going to church with her. And when she died, I stopped going for awhile and tried to forget everything she'd told me. The church tried to reach out to me, but I shut them out. I just didn't believe that God could take her from me like that and still expect me to believe in Him."

I nodded. "And that's what confuses me. How do you believe in God after all that's happened to you?"

Zach paused.

"I read a story in the Bible about a man named Job," he then said. "A blameless and upright man who lost everything he had, but still believed. He was tested, but he never lost faith. I like to think that I'm a little bit like Job. I was tested when God took her away from me, that's for sure. But I take comfort in knowing that I'll get to see Sarah again one day."

I smiled and found myself saying, "I hope you do get to see her."

"I will," he said with confidence. "Did I tell you? Sarah's birthday -- I'm making it my birthday, too."

"What?"

"I'm being baptized this Sunday on her birthday. I just decided the other day that it was about time I show the world my decision. The way a wedding ring signifies marriage, you know?" He gestured to my own diamond wedding band. "I feel that baptism signifies salvation."

"Oh," I nodded slowly, trying to look pleased while at a loss of words.

"Acts 2:38. Repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the Gift of the Holy Spirit." He reached for his Bible. "It's in here. Will you take this? And read it if you ever want to question everything to see if you believe."

"But that's yours," I argued.

"I have two," he reassured me. "This one can be yours. Do you want it?"

"I never turn down a challenge," I said, accepting his gift. "But do know this. I am Janine Kishi Yamakawa, and I will question everything. It's in my blood to do so." We both laughed.

"Janine the Genius," Zach added.

"Oh, no, Zachary," I punched his arm jokingly. "Don't you call me that!"

"Good luck, Janine," he said seriously. I knew what he meant.

"The same to you," I told him.


A/N: The author knows that not everyone will agree with this chapter. But she wishes to remind everyone that Zach Yamakawa is her creation, not Ann M. Martin's. And yes, his beliefs do reflect those of the author. :-)