August had just begun, and we were now three weeks into the second session. Thus far, the second session had been easier on me since I was teaching only one class in the mornings (just remedial science, no chemistry). Then I had the afternoons to rest up before my evening classes at Yale.
The further my pregnancy progressed, the more my doctor encouraged me to rest. During the first session, all I could do was laugh and say, "When?" During the second session, once the advanced placement chemistry exams were over, I finally managed to slow down (a little.)
Preparing my students for the exams was a stressful ordeal. Worrying about myself and whether I'm doing things right is hard enough on its own; combined with worrying about my students, I was a wreck. I could only do so much to help the students. On test day, of course, they were completely on their own. All I could do was stand by and watch. And worry.
I have actually tested out of some things myself; I earned credit by examination for both English literature and language and both micro- and macroeconomics. (I could not test out of any science courses since that was my major.) It was a quick and inexpensive way to earn credit... as long as the student managed to pass. Otherwise, the student forked over a lot of money and ended up with nothing to show for it.
Last week, we received the results of the AP exams. Six out of my eight chemistry students had passed the exam! Grace made a four, on a scale of one to five. A three or above was passing. Grace immediately called me when her scores came in.
"Janine, I passed!" She had screeched into the receiver. (She had been calling me Janine, instead of Mrs. Yamakawa.) "I got a four!"
She had called me from the hospital. That's right, the hospital. She went in when she started having early contractions; she was 33 weeks along when they admitted her. Baby B was 35% smaller than Baby A when she first went in, and that baby needed to grow. But within two weeks in the hospital, the Baby B started catching up. With all of her doctors, family, and friends holding their breath, Grace was now 35 weeks along and her contractions seemed to be under control.
The second-session remedial science class seems to be making slower progress than my first class, I noted in my journal on Friday, August 2. Maybe having 6 weeks off from school before starting this class was a bad idea. Perhaps one long session with more teachers to accommodate the students would be better for this type of class. I wonder if the school would consider doing that in the future. I have a feeling that would have been easier on all of my students to take things more slowly. Take Natalie, for instance. But thank goodness Natalie still earned a B! I wish all my students were as motivated as she.
While I was writing in my diary, my cell phone rang and jerked me out of my own thoughts.
"Hello?" I said.
"Janine Yamakawa?" An uncertain, unfamiliar voice questioned on the other end of the line.
"This is she."
"Mrs. Yamakawa," said the voice. "My name is Deidre Fisher. I'm a friend of Grace. She gave me your number and told me to call you." She paused. "The twins were born a couple of hours ago."
I swallowed the news. "And? Are they okay?"
I could hear the tension in her voice. "They're in the NICU. Marcus James weighs five pounds, three ounces, and Lucas Scott weighs four pounds, eleven ounces. They've got machines helping them breathe... and they're both pretty weak and look very frail, but the doctors are optimistic."
"Did she have a C-section?" I asked, thinking that was a strong possibility.
"Mm-hm," Deidre said. "One of the babies was breech. Everything happened really fast. I'd been hanging out with Grace all day, keeping her company in the hospital. She kept saying that she was more uncomfortable than she had been before today. Then when she got up to go to the bathroom, her water broke."
"Gosh..."
"Grace is still sleeping," Deidre added. "But you could come to see Mark and Luke if you'd like."
"Of course," I said without hesitating. "I'm coming right away."
Then I hung up and called James.
"I've got to go to the hospital," I blurted out when he picked up.
"Are you okay?" He asked frantically. "What's wrong? What happened?"
I quickly realized my mistake. "No -- James, I'm fine. Nothing is wrong with me. My student, Grace Taylor, had her twins, and I'm going up to the hospital to see them."
He relaxed a little. "Were they premature?"
"Thirty-five weeks," I informed him. "Actually, that's supposed to be the average gestation for twins. It's a relief that she made it as far as she did."
"I see," James said. "Tell me how it goes."
"Okay," I said quickly. "I love you."
"Love you, too, Janey. 'Bye."
"'Bye."
On the other side of the glass window, there they were. Marcus James Taylor and Lucas Scott Taylor. Even with tubes and machines and monitors around them, they were precious and beautiful. So precious that Grace's parents, grandparents, and friends all looked on in amazement. But they were tiny. So tiny.
I breathed deeply, suddenly aware of how fragile the life growing inside of me really was. Until now, I had only pictured my first experiences with my own little one as joyful experiences -- things like breastfeeding, even at 4:00 in the morning, rocking her gently to sleep, dressing her in sweet, little outfits, showing her off to my friends and family...
Until this moment, I had never imagined myself standing by an incubator and waiting for my baby to get well, unable to do anything to ease her pain and unable to experience complete joy upon her arrival. It was more than I could bear.
"Excuse me," I backed away. "I have to go."
Deidre smiled at me. "It was nice meeting you, Janine."
Beside her, Grace's mother turned around. Until today, we had not been introduced. It was nice to finally meet this woman who, according to Grace, had stood beside her daughter throughout her difficult pregnancy and loved her unconditionally.
"Thank you, Mrs. Yamakawa," Mrs. Taylor shook my hand. "Having you as a teacher has helped Grace more than you'll ever know. And - I'm not just talking about chemistry. Thank you for everything."
"I-um," I paused and with effort, smiled back. "I'll stay in touch."
"Grace would like that," Mrs. Taylor said.
I nodded slightly. "And so would I."
I turned then and left, my heart feeling heavy. I've always been a believer in looking for the silver lining to every dark cloud, but given Grace's situation, I couldn't fathom how anyone could possibly find it.
And if God was supposed to be looking out for Grace, why did this happen?
I stopped by the second floor, where Grace was staying. I reaching into my purse and pulled out a note I had written to Grace before I left for the hospital. It was a note of encouragement, saying that I was thinking about her and that I would call and visit as often as I could. I wanted her to have something from me to read when she woke up, probably in a great deal of physical and emotional pain and exhaustion.
I was going to simply slip in unnoticed and leave it there for her on her bed table. But when I found her door, it was slightly ajar, and music was playing softly inside. I almost knocked, but I hesitated because I was unsure of what to say to Grace, and I also didn't know if she felt like seeing anyone.
Considering this, I decided to wait until another time to see her. But I stopped short of leaving right away. The gentle, soothing song (that was being sung by an amazing female vocalist) grabbed my attention, and I lingered to listen.
A million miles away from anything familiar,
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering.
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger,
But this small part is all that I can see.
And I believe You haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me.
And I ask why this road?
Why this way? And this load?
Tell me how far must I go
'Til I see, 'Till I know
Why this road?
A million miles away from anything familiar,
What was it like to be so far from home?
Though You came in love, the world misunderstood You.
There must have been some days when You felt so alone.
But You endured, 'cause there was joy before You.
Joy that came because You sacrificed.
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me.
And Grace joined in singing softly...
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times.
When I ask why this road?
Why this way? And this load?
Tell me how far must I go
'Til I see, 'Till I know
Why this road?
From here I cannot see
Why'd You'd choose this path for me.
But I don't have to understand to believe
That You know why this road,
Why this way, and this load.
You know how far I must go
'Till I see, 'till I know
why this road...
(A/N: Lyrics: Ginny Owens/Kyle Matthews
http://www.ginnyowens.com
*I'm a fan of her.*)