Title: Beyond Transgression, 3/10
Author: Chocolatequeen
Email: g_chocolatequeen@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: See 'dis? I'm claiming I don't own 'er.
Rating: PG
Archiving: Just ask
Summary: The timeline for this story falls within ATY, and each section leads to the next. However, it is primarily a series of flashbacks and introspectives.
Transgression: An action in which one moves beyond an accepted boundary or set rule.
Chapter 3: Transgression—Weiss' POV
Sometimes I don't like myself very much. I know that must be hard to believe, as self-assured as I come across, but it's true. We all have our moments, and boy did I have one today.
Now in my defense, I thought I was doing the right thing. Vaughn left agent- handler protocol in the dust a long time ago, and someday that's going to come back to bite him. It almost happened last week in Denpasar, but I stepped in to save his neck. Afterwards though I let him know that I didn't want to be put in that position again.
When he told me he thought Sydney would go out on her own, I knew it was something Devlin needed to hear. I tried to get him to go himself, but he wouldn't do it—just one more sign that he's way past "emotional attachment." I could see it all happening again, just like before. He'd go rushing off to save her and leave me holding the bag. I did what I had to do to keep Devlin from yelling at me.
That must sound pretty self serving, but it isn't. Sure I didn't want to get reamed again, but that wasn't my only motive. Whatever Sydney has in mind can't be safe. I wasn't trying to betray my best friend, I was trying to save him. I was also trying to follow the CIA rulebook. I'm pretty sure there's something in there about clueing the director in to possible renegade agents. Sydney was going to break all the rules by going after Tippin on her own, and she needed to be stopped.
So you see, I really did think I was doing what was best, for everyone. Vaughn and Sydney stay home, safe and sound. The CIA holds onto their investment in Sydney as a double agent. I don't get demoted to message boy for not telling Devlin what was going on. Everyone goes home happy.
That one look from Vaughn changed my mind. When Devlin asked him straight up if he thought Sydney was going to do something, he shot me this look of complete betrayal. In that one moment, I realized that I had crossed the line. There comes a time when you have to set aside the black and white rules for the understood rules of friendship and loyalty, and I dropped the ball.
What bothers me the most is what's happened now. He went with her. I don't have any confirmation of this, but I don't need any. We aren't friends for nothing; I know the way he works. He's willing to throw away the rulebook for her, and he did it tonight. I'm sure the romantics think this is so sweet, but in fact, he may have just tossed his entire career out the window.
The funny thing is I don't think he cares. He is absolutely certain that he is doing the right thing, and I envy that about him. He understands that the CIA is not black and white, but he still lives in a black and white world. He takes the grey of the rulebook and fits into either one side or the other, depending on what it is up against. He judges the book by his standards instead of letting it become his standards.
I know that doesn't sound like the way to do things, but it helps him sleep at night. He can live with himself because he has made his decisions based on his own values instead of protocol. When he sees a line drawn in the sand, he steps back and decides if it should be there or not first, before deciding whether or not to cross it. If where he needs to be for his own peace of mind is on the other side, he crosses it and doesn't look back.
I guess that's the difference between him and I—I don't even realize there is a line until I'm 20 paces past it, and then I can't undo what I've done. I wish I hadn't crossed that line today.
Author: Chocolatequeen
Email: g_chocolatequeen@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: See 'dis? I'm claiming I don't own 'er.
Rating: PG
Archiving: Just ask
Summary: The timeline for this story falls within ATY, and each section leads to the next. However, it is primarily a series of flashbacks and introspectives.
Transgression: An action in which one moves beyond an accepted boundary or set rule.
Chapter 3: Transgression—Weiss' POV
Sometimes I don't like myself very much. I know that must be hard to believe, as self-assured as I come across, but it's true. We all have our moments, and boy did I have one today.
Now in my defense, I thought I was doing the right thing. Vaughn left agent- handler protocol in the dust a long time ago, and someday that's going to come back to bite him. It almost happened last week in Denpasar, but I stepped in to save his neck. Afterwards though I let him know that I didn't want to be put in that position again.
When he told me he thought Sydney would go out on her own, I knew it was something Devlin needed to hear. I tried to get him to go himself, but he wouldn't do it—just one more sign that he's way past "emotional attachment." I could see it all happening again, just like before. He'd go rushing off to save her and leave me holding the bag. I did what I had to do to keep Devlin from yelling at me.
That must sound pretty self serving, but it isn't. Sure I didn't want to get reamed again, but that wasn't my only motive. Whatever Sydney has in mind can't be safe. I wasn't trying to betray my best friend, I was trying to save him. I was also trying to follow the CIA rulebook. I'm pretty sure there's something in there about clueing the director in to possible renegade agents. Sydney was going to break all the rules by going after Tippin on her own, and she needed to be stopped.
So you see, I really did think I was doing what was best, for everyone. Vaughn and Sydney stay home, safe and sound. The CIA holds onto their investment in Sydney as a double agent. I don't get demoted to message boy for not telling Devlin what was going on. Everyone goes home happy.
That one look from Vaughn changed my mind. When Devlin asked him straight up if he thought Sydney was going to do something, he shot me this look of complete betrayal. In that one moment, I realized that I had crossed the line. There comes a time when you have to set aside the black and white rules for the understood rules of friendship and loyalty, and I dropped the ball.
What bothers me the most is what's happened now. He went with her. I don't have any confirmation of this, but I don't need any. We aren't friends for nothing; I know the way he works. He's willing to throw away the rulebook for her, and he did it tonight. I'm sure the romantics think this is so sweet, but in fact, he may have just tossed his entire career out the window.
The funny thing is I don't think he cares. He is absolutely certain that he is doing the right thing, and I envy that about him. He understands that the CIA is not black and white, but he still lives in a black and white world. He takes the grey of the rulebook and fits into either one side or the other, depending on what it is up against. He judges the book by his standards instead of letting it become his standards.
I know that doesn't sound like the way to do things, but it helps him sleep at night. He can live with himself because he has made his decisions based on his own values instead of protocol. When he sees a line drawn in the sand, he steps back and decides if it should be there or not first, before deciding whether or not to cross it. If where he needs to be for his own peace of mind is on the other side, he crosses it and doesn't look back.
I guess that's the difference between him and I—I don't even realize there is a line until I'm 20 paces past it, and then I can't undo what I've done. I wish I hadn't crossed that line today.