Title: Beyond Transgression, 5/9
Author: Chocolatequeen
Email: g_chocolatequeen@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Oh yes. I own Alias. I also own a very nice padded room, which
you can share with me if you believe that.
Rating: PG
Archiving: Just ask
Summary: The timeline for this story falls within ATY, and each section
leads to the next. However, it is primarily a series of flashbacks and
introspectives.
Progression: "Movement from one member of a continuous series to the next."
Regression: "Relapse to a less perfect or developed state." (both from the
American Heritage Dictionary)
Chapter 5: Progression/Regression-Vaughn's POV
After more than two hours of fruitless searching, I've finally found her. As I quietly walk up behind her, I vaguely hear a voice over the loudspeaker announcing the next train, but my attention is focused on her. I sit down with my back toward her. "Hey."
She looks over her shoulder casually and then faces forward again. "Hi. How did you find me?"
I smile a little at the question, remembering how I spent the last two hours. "You told me a couple of months ago that when you feel the need to disappear, you go to the observatory. But the observatory was closed. And then I remembered you said the pier calms you down. But you weren't there. And you weren't at the bluffs and the palisades, either."
I can tell by the set of her shoulders that I've surprised her. "You didn't really go to all those places," she says in a tone that begs me to tell her I did.
I want to tell her that I'd go to the ends of the earth looking for her, but I can't. Instead I simply continue my litany as though she hadn't interrupted me. "Yeah, I did. And then I remembered you liked the train station, too. Normal people going to their normal jobs."
She's smiling now, and I like knowing that I put that smile there. "I can't believe you remember that," she replies. Once again, I want to tell her so much-that I remember everything she says, that I wish she could have that normal life with a normal job-but I know I can't. I may not be able to be the impersonal handler that Weiss wants me to be, but even I can't let myself go that far down the forbidden path.
But if I'm to stay on the straight and narrow, I have to change the subject now. "He's contacted you, hasn't he? Khasinau? And he wants the page. You're going to give it to him."
"You came here to stop me," she says with tears in her eyes. No, that's not why I came, but I need to tell the story for her to understand that. "My father used to keep a diary and when I was a kid I used to say, "Hey, Dad, only girls keep diaries," and he'd just laugh." I pause for a moment, remembering all that I'd found in his journal-both the good and the bad-and then I carry on with my story.
"He was a really good guy, my dad. Yeah. But he was too hard on himself. I mean, he was such a company guy that whenever he slipped up even in the slightest way he took it so personally. There were a few operations -- his last one among them -- that he questioned. Operations he refused to participate in. But only in his diary. He'd write out what he wanted to say to the CIA director. I mean, things he could never say in real life.
"He was a company man, and I loved him very much. But it killed him, never questioning orders. His blind devotion to the job." With a deep breath, I take the final step. "If you're doing what I think you're doing, I'm in if you need me."
"Thank you," she says simply.
After that we just sit there in silence, both of us lost in thought. This was a huge step for me, for us, and she knows it. I told her that she is more important to me than my career, that as much as I love my job, I would give it all up if she asked me to.
Briefly I wonder what Weiss would say about this. If he was to give me a progress report on the status of my "emotional attachment" to Sydney Bristow, where would he place me right now? Or to phrase the question more accurately, how many seconds would it take him to have both Devlin and Barnett on the phone, telling them that I was a liability to the Agency and advising them to take me off the case? I know what he would think; he would see it as a colossal step backward.
Sometimes Weiss sounds like Yoda. "Once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny." He keeps warning me away from Sydney, telling me that being more for her than just a handler is wrong and can only end badly.
But I can't help but disagree. There are times when you have to choose between what is right, and what is expected. I could have sat aside while Jack and Sydney risked their lives and careers to save Will Tippin, but I never would have been able to live with myself. Faced with a moral dilemma, I took a step I'll never regret.
Chapter 5: Progression/Regression-Vaughn's POV
After more than two hours of fruitless searching, I've finally found her. As I quietly walk up behind her, I vaguely hear a voice over the loudspeaker announcing the next train, but my attention is focused on her. I sit down with my back toward her. "Hey."
She looks over her shoulder casually and then faces forward again. "Hi. How did you find me?"
I smile a little at the question, remembering how I spent the last two hours. "You told me a couple of months ago that when you feel the need to disappear, you go to the observatory. But the observatory was closed. And then I remembered you said the pier calms you down. But you weren't there. And you weren't at the bluffs and the palisades, either."
I can tell by the set of her shoulders that I've surprised her. "You didn't really go to all those places," she says in a tone that begs me to tell her I did.
I want to tell her that I'd go to the ends of the earth looking for her, but I can't. Instead I simply continue my litany as though she hadn't interrupted me. "Yeah, I did. And then I remembered you liked the train station, too. Normal people going to their normal jobs."
She's smiling now, and I like knowing that I put that smile there. "I can't believe you remember that," she replies. Once again, I want to tell her so much-that I remember everything she says, that I wish she could have that normal life with a normal job-but I know I can't. I may not be able to be the impersonal handler that Weiss wants me to be, but even I can't let myself go that far down the forbidden path.
But if I'm to stay on the straight and narrow, I have to change the subject now. "He's contacted you, hasn't he? Khasinau? And he wants the page. You're going to give it to him."
"You came here to stop me," she says with tears in her eyes. No, that's not why I came, but I need to tell the story for her to understand that. "My father used to keep a diary and when I was a kid I used to say, "Hey, Dad, only girls keep diaries," and he'd just laugh." I pause for a moment, remembering all that I'd found in his journal-both the good and the bad-and then I carry on with my story.
"He was a really good guy, my dad. Yeah. But he was too hard on himself. I mean, he was such a company guy that whenever he slipped up even in the slightest way he took it so personally. There were a few operations -- his last one among them -- that he questioned. Operations he refused to participate in. But only in his diary. He'd write out what he wanted to say to the CIA director. I mean, things he could never say in real life.
"He was a company man, and I loved him very much. But it killed him, never questioning orders. His blind devotion to the job." With a deep breath, I take the final step. "If you're doing what I think you're doing, I'm in if you need me."
"Thank you," she says simply.
After that we just sit there in silence, both of us lost in thought. This was a huge step for me, for us, and she knows it. I told her that she is more important to me than my career, that as much as I love my job, I would give it all up if she asked me to.
Briefly I wonder what Weiss would say about this. If he was to give me a progress report on the status of my "emotional attachment" to Sydney Bristow, where would he place me right now? Or to phrase the question more accurately, how many seconds would it take him to have both Devlin and Barnett on the phone, telling them that I was a liability to the Agency and advising them to take me off the case? I know what he would think; he would see it as a colossal step backward.
Sometimes Weiss sounds like Yoda. "Once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny." He keeps warning me away from Sydney, telling me that being more for her than just a handler is wrong and can only end badly.
But I can't help but disagree. There are times when you have to choose between what is right, and what is expected. I could have sat aside while Jack and Sydney risked their lives and careers to save Will Tippin, but I never would have been able to live with myself. Faced with a moral dilemma, I took a step I'll never regret.