Title: Beyond Transgression, 6/9
Author: Chocolatequeen
Email: g_chocolatequeen@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: I will never never never own Alias.
Rating: PG
Summary: ATY through the eyes of the various players. Have I mentioned
lately that this is for the CD challenge? No? Well, I guess the
Transgression thing gives it away.
Digression: Literally, to walk away. By definition, "To turn aside,
especially from the main subject in writing or speaking; stray." (American
Heritage Dictionary)
Chapter Six: Digression-Sydney's POV
From the moment I stepped on the plane, my mind has been wandering. I keep trying to focus on the task at hand, but it's no use. My thoughts will be on Will for a few minutes, but then they meander around like a lazy river, going nowhere and everywhere at once.
With effort, I force my thoughts back to Will. Sweet, goofy Will who had no clue what he was getting into when he started this story, no clue why I didn't want answers about Danny's death. I don't know why he took it upon himself to get those answers for me if I didn't want them, but that doesn't matter right now. What does matter is that he couldn't walk away from the story when I asked him to, and now he's in danger because of it.
I want to be angry with him. Why couldn't he have just left it alone? Was it too much to ask of his journalist nature to not investigate a story? If he had dropped the whole thing, Eloise Kurtz wouldn't have died, he wouldn't be in Taipei, and I wouldn't be sitting here right now, flying out to save his scrawny hide. That's plenty reason to be mad.
But at the same time, I'm touched. After all, there aren't many people in my life who would go to the lengths he has just to make me happy. I know Vaughn is there to help me do the right thing and to believe in myself, and I'm slowly learning that my father does whatever he can to keep me safe, but Will did what he did simply to make me happy. No one has done that for me in a long time.
I used to think that my mother did, but now I know that was just a lie. My mother. Finding her has become something of an obsession with me in the last few months. I wonder if Dad was right-what could she say that would make it better? She walked away from me, leaving me alone with a man who had been abandoned and misused in the most horrible way. There was no one there for me, and that is her fault.
But what makes me the angriest is that her last act of leaving our family completely invalidates every other good thing she did for me. When I was little, I thought my mother was an angel and my father was a prince. Mom was always there for me, teaching me to make chocolate chip cookies, holding me when I cried after I broke my arm, singing me to sleep at night. She was the perfect mother, and then one day she just walked away and nothing has been the same since. My father nearly cracked under the pressure of the resulting investigation and our relationship is just now getting back to where we used to be. It's taken nearly 30 years to get back what she took away from me, but the memories she stole I are lost forever. I don't know if I can ever forgive her for that.
What will happen if I see her again? Will she be the mother I remember, or will she hurt me like she did so many years ago? Will she leave me again, or will I be the one to walk away this time? I don't know the answer to these questions, and that's what I'm searching for even more than her.
Until I find these answers, I will continue to be unable to focus on anything else. I know there are other loose ends right now: I'm still nervous that Dixon may turn my in to Security Section, but as Dad said the concern right now is Will. I have no clue what condition he'll be in when we get him out, so I need to be prepared to deal with anything. Then after we get home safe and sound I can worry about what to tell Dixon to keep him from reporting me. Of course I'll probably also have to explain to Devlin why I felt it necessary to steal CIA property to get my friend free, and I'd like to keep Vaughn from getting in trouble if at all possible.
But as it has been for the last month, the situation with my mother is heaviest on my mind. I need to find the answers to all my questions before I can close that chapter of my life and walk on to whatever is next.
Chapter Six: Digression-Sydney's POV
From the moment I stepped on the plane, my mind has been wandering. I keep trying to focus on the task at hand, but it's no use. My thoughts will be on Will for a few minutes, but then they meander around like a lazy river, going nowhere and everywhere at once.
With effort, I force my thoughts back to Will. Sweet, goofy Will who had no clue what he was getting into when he started this story, no clue why I didn't want answers about Danny's death. I don't know why he took it upon himself to get those answers for me if I didn't want them, but that doesn't matter right now. What does matter is that he couldn't walk away from the story when I asked him to, and now he's in danger because of it.
I want to be angry with him. Why couldn't he have just left it alone? Was it too much to ask of his journalist nature to not investigate a story? If he had dropped the whole thing, Eloise Kurtz wouldn't have died, he wouldn't be in Taipei, and I wouldn't be sitting here right now, flying out to save his scrawny hide. That's plenty reason to be mad.
But at the same time, I'm touched. After all, there aren't many people in my life who would go to the lengths he has just to make me happy. I know Vaughn is there to help me do the right thing and to believe in myself, and I'm slowly learning that my father does whatever he can to keep me safe, but Will did what he did simply to make me happy. No one has done that for me in a long time.
I used to think that my mother did, but now I know that was just a lie. My mother. Finding her has become something of an obsession with me in the last few months. I wonder if Dad was right-what could she say that would make it better? She walked away from me, leaving me alone with a man who had been abandoned and misused in the most horrible way. There was no one there for me, and that is her fault.
But what makes me the angriest is that her last act of leaving our family completely invalidates every other good thing she did for me. When I was little, I thought my mother was an angel and my father was a prince. Mom was always there for me, teaching me to make chocolate chip cookies, holding me when I cried after I broke my arm, singing me to sleep at night. She was the perfect mother, and then one day she just walked away and nothing has been the same since. My father nearly cracked under the pressure of the resulting investigation and our relationship is just now getting back to where we used to be. It's taken nearly 30 years to get back what she took away from me, but the memories she stole I are lost forever. I don't know if I can ever forgive her for that.
What will happen if I see her again? Will she be the mother I remember, or will she hurt me like she did so many years ago? Will she leave me again, or will I be the one to walk away this time? I don't know the answer to these questions, and that's what I'm searching for even more than her.
Until I find these answers, I will continue to be unable to focus on anything else. I know there are other loose ends right now: I'm still nervous that Dixon may turn my in to Security Section, but as Dad said the concern right now is Will. I have no clue what condition he'll be in when we get him out, so I need to be prepared to deal with anything. Then after we get home safe and sound I can worry about what to tell Dixon to keep him from reporting me. Of course I'll probably also have to explain to Devlin why I felt it necessary to steal CIA property to get my friend free, and I'd like to keep Vaughn from getting in trouble if at all possible.
But as it has been for the last month, the situation with my mother is heaviest on my mind. I need to find the answers to all my questions before I can close that chapter of my life and walk on to whatever is next.