Blackadder
In
"Tea for Two … Thousand"
adapted from characters created by
Richard Curtis and Ben Elton
Script by Jared Baxter
Copyright, 2003
Scene One: Boston Street, 1773.
Blackadder and Baldrick attempt to cross the street. Paul Revere comes galloping by.
REVERE
The British are coming! The British are
coming!
Mud splatters all over Blackadder and Baldrick as he races by. Pissed-off, Blackadder wipes the mud from his face.
BLACKADDER
Of course the bloody British are coming.
We've been coming for a hundred and fifty
years. How is that suddenly newsworthy?
Baldrick watches the horse's sinewy ass ride away in awe, his face aglow through the fresher patches of mud.
BALDRICK
(awe-struck)
What's that, Mr. B?
Scene Two: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.
Percy attends the shop when Blackadder and Baldrick enter.
PERCY
Good morning, Mr. Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
That's your opinion, Percy. Baldrick, see that
this cloak gets a proper cleaning. (removes
cloak)
BALDRICK
Right away, Mr. B.
BLACKADDER
That damned busy-body Paul Revere has been
racing up and down the streets of Boston like a
man possessed again, splattering mud wherever
he goes.
BALDRICK
I thought it was quite exciting. Didn't mind
the mud meself.
BLACKADDER
Yes, well this from a man, and I use such a
term in the loosest sense possible, Baldrick,
who eats dung for breakfast. (Baldrick exits
with cloak)
PERCY
What do you suppose Revere's up to now?
BLACKADDER
Oh, god, who cares? Rabble-rousing, no
doubt. You'd think the most famous goldsmith
in Boston could keep busy enough smithing
gold and not need to take odd jobs as a courier.
What will he stoop to next? Take-out delivery
for Mrs. Miggins' Pie Shoppe?
PERCY
Well if you ask me, Mr. Blackadder, I've got
to agree with Baldrick. (Baldrick re-enters)
I find it all very exciting.
BLACKADDER
I didn't ask you, Percy, and the mere fact that
you'd agree with anything Baldrick had to say,
will cost you a shilling from this week's pay.
BALDRICK
Find all what very exciting?
BLACKADDER
Colonial insolence, Baldrick, although I
wouldn't expect you to comprehend such a
statement.
BALDRICK
Fair enough, Mr. Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
What these deranged revolutionaries fail to
understand is we are subjects of the British
crown, even if it is worn by a mad sauerkraut-
and-sausage sucking German. Nearly every
one of us in the Massachusetts colony can
BLACKADDER (CONT)
trace his roots back to England, Scotland, or,
at the very least, Wales.
BALDRICK
Not me. I'm Irish.
BLACKADDER
Right. Well, society's sewage must seep from
somewhere, Baldrick.
PERCY
I can feel proud in calling myself an American.
My family tree traces back to that fateful
voyage of the Mayflower. Nobody's been here
longer than my family.
BLACKADDER
No. Unless, of course, you count the natives.
They might have just edged your family here,
Perce.
PERCY
How did you come to the colonies, Mr. Black-
adder?
BLACKADDER
The old-fashioned way; my father was a noble-
man who was thrown out of England for crimes
against his peasantry.
PERCY
What were the crimes?
BLACKADDER
I am very proud to say that the list is far too
long to recount here.
BALDRICK
I came over the old-fashioned way meself, too.
BLACKADDER
Being bludgeoned on the head in a drunken
stupor and sold into servitude is not anyone's
idea of 'old-fashioned.'
BALDRICK
Well, it's all the rage where I go 'round.
BLACKADDER
So is urinating in the streets and incestuous
relationships with your mothers, but that
doesn't make it old-fashioned. I'm going out
for a cup of tea. You two mind the store.
Scene Three: Mrs. Miggins' Pie Shoppe.
Blackadder enters.
MRS. MIGGINS
Morning, Mr. Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
Morning, Mrs. Miggins. Slice of rhubarb and
a cup of tea, if you please.
MRS. MIGGINS
No, I'm afraid I don't please, Mr. B.
BLACKADDER
Mrs. Miggins, need I remind you that I am a
paying customer and it is my patronage to
your putrid establishment which feeds and
clothes you and your wretched family?
MRS. MIGGINS
You needn't remind me of that! It's just that
my shop doesn't sell tea anymore.
BLACKADDER
Doesn't sell tea anymore? Have you gone
completely mad, woman? Who's going to eat
your pies without tea to wash down their
rancid aftertaste?
MRS. MIGGINS
I think you're the one that's gone mad, Mr. B.
Haven't you heard? There's been a ban on tea
sales by those splendid Sons of Liberty. How
about a nice cup of coffee?
BLACKADDER
Sons of Liberty? I should have guessed.
Leave it to the disgruntled element to ruin it
for the rest of us loyal, law-abiding citizens.
But, why tea? Why the sudden aversion to
the last piece of civilization from the old world?
MRS. MIGGINS
(on the hush-hush)
Can you keep a secret, Mr. B?
BLACKADDER
Can I keep a secret? Does Ben Franklin keep
a list of insidious clichés?
MRS. MIGGINS
Parliament has given the East India Company
a huge tax break on eight million tons of
warehoused tea.
BLACKADDER
How huge?
MRS. MIGGINS
Well, let's just say that East India tea will be
cheaper than that black-market stuff you've
been selling me these past years.
BLACKADDER
That is huge. How did you acquire such
information?
MRS. MIGGINS
Oh, I have me sources, Mr. Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
Yes, and would your sources know when this
tea were to be arriving?
MRS. MIGGINS
They would, although, I must warn you, it's
not going to do you any good. The Sons of
Liberty have plans for that tea already.
BLACKADDER
Do they?
Scene Four: Outside of Mrs. Miggins' Shoppe.
Off-camera is the rapid clip-clop of hooves. As Blackadder takes a sip of coffee, Revere races by splattering him with mud again.
Scene Five: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.
Blackadder pours over a ledger. Baldrick dusts.
BLACKADDER
Let's see … at one shilling, sixpence a pound,
times one million, equals …
BALDRICK
Wait, don't tell me … (calculating on fingers)
Nope, I've got no idea.
BLACKADDER
What a surprise. (Percy enters from the back
of the shop) It comes out to a load of bloody
damned money is what it comes to.
PERCY
What's a load of bloody damned money?
BLACKADDER
The investment of a lifetime, Percy. The
investment of a lifetime.
PERCY
What, you're not on about that East India tea
again are you?
BLACKADDER
I wouldn't expect you to understand. If I can
leverage this properly, I'll corner the colonial
tea market.
PERCY
(guffaws)
I doubt that.
BLACKADDER
Oh, and what makes you so sure? From
BLACKADDER (CONT)
whence does a man who was so often passed
up on wit, but so often visited by stupidity,
make such a claim?
PERCY
(defensively)
Simple, really. Americans aren't going to be
buying tea anymore. (pauses) So there won't
be any market to corner. You'll be like … be
like … why, you'll be like the man who owns
a corner market where no one lives … or even
comes to visit. That's what you'll be like.
BLACKADDER
Please, Percy, leave the metaphors to the
vertebrates. You'll strain a muscle in that
thick little cranium of yours.
BALDRICK
(pauses)
Well, that's a mixed metaphor, isn't it, Mr. B?
BLACKADDER
Shut up, Baldrick. The last thing I need right
now is input from the society for illiteracy.
PERCY
Well, I may be thick …
BLACKADDER
Correct.
PERCY
But at least I'm aware of what's going on. You
don't even pay attention to the news. You're
not even aware we're at the brink of war!
BLACKADDER
We are not at the brink of war. War's bad for
the economy. Besides, Parliament will squash
the surly insurrectionists and it will be back to
business as usual. After Sam Adams and the
rest of his trouble-makers are rounded up, and
publicly hanged; it'll be back to business as
BLACKADDER (CONT)
usual. And that means the buying, selling and
drinking of tea!
BALDRICK
Not me. I'm putting my fortune in coffee
futures.
BLACKADDER
Baldrick, you are indentured to me. You have
no fortune.
BALDRICK
Rotten luck that, isn't it?
PERCY
Was that a pun?
BLACKADDER
Stop it the both of you! We'll have no more
queries about figures of speech. What's at
stake here is the future of my business, and
therefore, the future of your welfare.
PERCY
I think you mean 'futures of your welfare.'
BALDRICK
Are you sure it's not 'yours welfares?'
BLACKADDER
Quite.
PERCY
Tell you what, Mr. Blackadder, if you really
want to get a feel for the current state of affairs,
you should join me at a rally for the Sons of
Liberty tonight.
BLACKADDER
Oh, and what's tonight's keynote address?
Tax evasion and the American Dream?
Scene Six: Griffin's Wharf, The Royal Stock Market.
Blackadder waits in a line. He is recognized and approached by Samuel Adams, who is dressed rather shabbily.
ADAMS
Ah, Edmund, how nice to see you.
BLACKADDER
Mr. Adams, how nice to … be seen.
ADAMS
What a wit! I like you, Edmund. I'd like to
let you in on a little stock tip from John
Hancock, himself.
Everybody in the room stops and leans in to listen.
ADAMS
(glancing around)
When Hancock speaks, people listen.
BLACKADDER
That's it? That's your tip? 'When Hancock
speaks, people listen?'
ADAMS
No, no. Don't be ridiculous. Hancock says
'Tea's for the bears, coffee's for the bulls.'
BLACKADDER
Yes, and riddles are for the bored. Good day,
Mr. Adams.
Sam Adams offended, exits. Blackadder is now second in line.
MAN-IN-LINE
I'd like to purchase any available coffee futures.
CLERK
(droning)
You and everyone else. How much would
you like?
MAN-IN-LINE
How much have you got?
CLERK
(droning, still)
Looks like you've got the last one. Thank you.
Have a nice day. Next.
BLACKADDER
I'd like to purchase all available …
CLERK
(droning)
Let me guess … coffee futures.
BLACKADDER
Don't be absurd. Coffee has no future in
the Americas.
CLERK
(still droning)
Don't be so near-sighted, sir. One day there
could be a coffee shop on every block in the
colonies.
BLACKADDER
Yes, and one day we'll fly from city to city like
great big birds.
CLERK
You never know, sir.
BLACKADDER
What I'd like to buy are your remaining tea
futures.
CLERK
(snickering)
No problem, sir. How many would you like?
BLACKADDER
Oh, I don't know … say, one million?
CLERK
It's your funeral. There you are. Thank you.
Have a nice day. Next.
Scene Seven: Under the Liberty Tree.
Percy and Blackadder are disguised as Hasidic Jews. As they reach the Liberty Tree, a throng of men dressed likewise are brandishing pitch forks and the like.
BLACKADDER
I hardly see what good these outfits do, Percy.
No British officer is going to believe a group
of six hundred Hasidic Jews are visiting Boston.
PERCY
Yes, well, you see, the Sons of Liberty are a
secret society and one of the tenets of being a
secret society is that membership be kept,
well, you know, a secret.
BLACKADDER
The Sons of Liberty haven't kept a secret so
poorly since Captain John Smith claimed he
was merely 'tutoring' Pocahontas.
A short, soiled, Hasidic Jew bearing a striking resemblance to Baldrick approaches.
BALDRICK
Evening, Mr. B. Evening, Brother Mathias.
PERCY
Evening, Brother Lechiem. (spitting all over
Blackadder)
BLACKADDER
Did you just cough something up, Percy?
(removing a hankie)
PERCY
Indeed, not. I was merely welcoming my
fellow brethren, Lechiem. (spraying again)
BLACKADDER
If you do that again I shall need a beach towel.
(wiping his face)
PERCY
Shhh … I believe the rally's getting under way.
Sam Adams dressed as a … you guessed it, a Hasidic Jew, addresses the crowd.
ADAMS
Sons, Jews, Countrymen, lend me your ear
locks. Also, lend me your beards and a
yarmulke or two if you can spare them.
BLACKADDER
A master orator.
ADAMS
My disguises seem to wear thin rather quickly.
But onto important matters. Tonight's address
was going to be part nine of my splendid sermon
Tax Evasion and the American Dream, but we
must save that for another time.
A sigh of disappointment lifts from the crowd.
ADAMS
Instead we shall make plans to do plunder to
the millions of pounds of tea en route to Boston
from that infested bed of tyranny, London.
Roar of approval rages from the masses.
BLACKADDER
What do we intend to do!
PERCY
Yes! What is our plan of attack?
ADAMS
I was just getting to that. When His Majesties'
ships are docked we shall board them, ransack
their stores and dump the tea into the harbor!
An even louder roar rises from the throng. Then, it dies down. Blackadder thinks quickly.
BLACKADDER
But what about the webbed-foot boobies?
ADAMS
What about the what?
BLACKADDER
The webbed-foot boobies. What about them?
ADAMS
Excuse me, sir. But what is a webbed-foot
booby?
BLACKADDER
The endangered species of bird indigenous to
Massachusetts Bay. If tons of tea were dumped
into the harbor, certainly the habitat of this
beautiful and precious water fowl would be
compromised.
ADAMS
Hmm, I hadn't thought of that.
PERCY
Yes! What about the webbed-foot boobies?
ENTIRE CROWD
(chanting)
Webbed-foot boobies! Webbed-foot boobies!
Webbed-foot boobies!
ADAMS
Admittedly, I'm no ornithologist … perhaps,
we could move their nesting grounds.
BLACKADDER
But that might kill them!
The crowd gasps a sigh of disapproval.
ADAMS
As I was about to say … temporarily … move
their nesting grounds.
The crowd is agreeable to this solution.
BLACKADDER
What about the brown virgin beaver?
ADAMS
What about the who?
BLACKADDER
The brown virgin beaver!
PERCY
Yes! What about the brown virgin beaver!
ENTIRE CROWD
(chanting)
Brown virgin beaver! Brown virgin beaver!
Brown virgin beaver!
Scene Eight: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.
Baldrick shines Blackadder's shoes. Sam Adams enters.
BLACKADDER
Good day, Mr. Adams. To what do we owe
the pleasure of your visit?
ADAMS
Mr. Blackadder, I assure you, the pleasure is
all mine. For it has come to my attention,
Edmund, that you have been nominated to
join a certain secret society which shall
remain nameless.
BLACKADDER
You don't mean the Sons of Liberty, do you …
ADAMS
Hush … there are royal spies everywhere.
BLACKADDER
While I am flattered to join the Sons of
Liberty …
ADAMS
SHHH!
BLACKADDER
While I am flattered to join the secret society …
Percy enters from the back.
ADAMS
What's that? Secret society you say? No idea
ADAMS (CONT)
what you're talking about.
PERCY
Mr. Adams? It's me, Percy. You know,
(back of his hand to his mouth and winking)
Brother Mathias.
ADAMS
I know no Mathias. I know only loyalists to
His Majesties' crown!
BALDRICK
What about me?
ADAMS
Who are you? I've never met this urchin
before in my life.
BALDRICK
But I'm Brother Lechiem.
Sam Adams cleans his face of Baldrick's spittle.
Blackadder walks to the counter, pulls out two hats with black locks hanging from them, and sets them on Baldrick's and Percy's heads.
BLACKADDER
There. Does that help?
Adams bumbles, pulls down the blinds in the shop's windows and locks the door.
ADAMS
I say, won't you be more careful, Edmund?
There are royal spies everywhere.
BLACKADDER
Yes, pesky, aren't they? Could be right under
your nose and you'd never even know it.
ADAMS
Now, first things first. Before I may share the
society's secret news, Mr. Blackadder must be
initiated.
BALDRICK
Oh, goody, I like a nice initiation. All the
crying and screaming as the Sons riddle the
newcomer's naked body with pebbles, stones
and the occasional boulder.
BLACKADDER
(evasively)
Right, well, I'm afraid I've no time for an
initiation ceremony today. Too much business
to do. Terribly sorry.
ADAMS
Sorry, eh? Yes, me as well, me as well. For
you see, gentlemen, none of us have the time
for the traditional initiation ceremony. Not
with those foul-mouthed British regulars
preying upon the very soul of freedom, like,
like, like some giant thing preying upon the
very soul of freedom.
Percy and Baldrick are disappointed.
BLACKADDER
Yes, sad news that, isn't it?
PERCY
Does this mean the three of us brethren shall
perform the abridged initiation ceremony?
ADAMS
Indeed it does, Brother Mathias. Indeed it does.
Now to begin.
Adams takes the hat off of Baldrick and sets it on Blackadder's head. Adams raises his right hand, and then his right leg. Blackadder does likewise. So do Percy and Baldrick.
ADAMS
Mr. Blackadder, repeat after me. I do solemnly
swear to uphold the duties and the disguises of
my brethren, the Sons of Liberty.
BLACKADDER
I do solemnly swear to uphold the duties and
the disguises of my brethren, the Sons of Liberty.
ADAMS
Gentlemen, commence.
Percy and Baldrick begin tickling Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
(laughing) Stop it. Stop it. (Now angry) I
said stop it or I'll have the both of you flogged
from here to the Carolinas!
They immediately stop .
ADAMS
Now, to the business at hand. Brothers, I have
news.
PERCY
News, sir?
BALDRICK
News, sir?
ADAMS
That's what I said. I have news.
PERCY
What news, sir?
BALDRICK
Yes. What news, sir?
ADAMS
If you'd both shut up for a flipping moment,
I'll tell you. Our ranks have been infiltrated.
Last night's 'secret meeting' was attended by
royalist spies.
PERCY
Oh, no, what does this mean?
BALDRICK
Oh, no, what does this mean?
BLACKADDER
(flippant)
Pray, do tell, sir. What could this mean?
ADAMS
What this means is that our cover has been
blown. But only temporarily, mind you. We
have come up with a new disguise.
PERCY
Really, sir? A new disguise?
BALDRICK
Really, sir? A new …
BLACKADDER
(hitting Baldrick on the nose) That's enough
out of the both of you.
ADAMS
Yes. From now on the Sons of Liberty shall
masquerade as …
BLACKADDER
Arabs? Russian Cossacks? Venetian
Gondoliers?
ADAMS
No, though good disguises, all of them.
BLACKADDER
Vikings? Fishmongers? Convention of horny
lederhosen salesmen?
ADAMS
No. We shall disguise ourselves as the fairer
sex.
BLACKADDER
Of course, and shall we also call ourselves the
'Daughters of Liberty?'
BALDRICK
I don't even know the poorer sex. How am I
BALDRICK (CONT)
supposed to disguise myself as the fairer sex?
BLACKADDER
I think what Mr. Adams is saying, Baldrick, is
that we'll dress as women.
ADAMS
Precisely, sir!
PERCY
Oh, splendid!
BLACKADDER
Yes, I would have known you'd be excited,
Percy. Well, this is a brilliant idea. And to
whose genius may we attribute this enlight-
ened notion of dressing as drag queens?
ADAMS
That marvelous patriot, Mr. Paul Revere.
BLACKADDER
Of course. Paul Revere. Should have guessed
it, really. Who else but that cross-dressing,
prancing goldsmith would have concocted such
a plan?
ADAMS
That being revealed, gentlemen, you shall each
don new aliases as well. Baldrick, you shall
be known as Nancy. Blackadder, you shall be
known as Mary. And Percy, you shall be
known as … Percy.
Scene Nine: Mrs. Miggins' Pie Shoppe.
Blackadder, Percy and Baldrick, arrive, dressed in drag. You'd swear the place had turned into a gay bar.
BLACKADDER
Evening, Mrs. Miggins.
MRS. MIGGINS
Evening, Mr. Blackadder, (coughs) excuse me,
I mean …
A dejected Blackadder pulls his nametag from his blouse so she can read it.
MRS. MIGGINS
Mary. (she winks) What can I get for you this
evening?
BLACKADDER
Yes, well I suppose since you're not selling tea
anymore, I'll have a cup of brown water with
grit in it. Unless by some miracle you've
figured out how to brew coffee.
MRS. MIGGINS
Poke fun all you'd like, Mary, but coffee's the
future in the colonies. Why, one day, I'll bet
there's a coffee shop on every corner. Maybe
even two.
BLACKADDER
No doubt. It should happen about the same
time we find the cure for dysentery.
The ah— men, find a table in the busy shop.
PERCY
Why did I end up with the codename 'Percy'?
That's not a very covert name, is it?
BLACKADDER
It's every bit as covert as the rest of this
ridiculous charade.
PERCY
Well, if you're so opposed to it, why did you
join?
BLACKADDER
I have my reasons, Percy.
Adams, dressed in drag, and a prancing Paul Revere behind him, take the front of the room.
ADAMS
If we could come to order please, gentleman.
(coughs – now in falsetto) If we could come to
ADAMS (CONT)
order please, ladies.
REVERE
Yes, ladies, good evening and welcome to the
first ever, ah... Audubon society meeting.
We'd like to start off by thanking our most
gracious hostess, Mrs. Miggins. Now please
tip your waitresses as we'd like to be invited
back again.
ADAMS
Our first item of business is a report from the
sub-committee devoted to the preservation of
the webbed-foot booby and the brown virgin
beaver. Nancy, you have the floor.
Baldrick rises and steps to the front of the room. He pulls out a crumpled piece of paper.
BALDRICK
(reads)
As many of you know, it is our society's
devotion to the environment which sets us
apart.
Paul Revere captures Baldrick's attention by hitting his throat with the side of his hand.
BALDRICK
(reads in falsetto)
As many of you know, it is our society's
devotion to the environment which sets us
apart. This being said, the sub-committee on
the preservation of the webbed-foot booby and
the brown virgin beaver have nothing to report …
as we could find no trace of either living in the
harbor. It is our opinion they are already extinct.
The crowd gasps.
ADAMS
Well (clearing throat, back to falsetto) well,
this is bad news. However, if we are to search
for a brighter side, operation tea party is back on!
The crowd cheers, clears their throats, then cheers again, this time in falsetto.
BLACKADDER
What about the stiffened blue cockles?
ADAMS
What? (in falsetto) I mean, what? Who said that?
BLACKADDER
(in falsetto)
What about the stiffened blue cockles?
PERCY
Yes! What about the stiffened blue cockles!
ENTIRE CROWD
(chanting)
Stiffened blue cockles! Stiffened blue
cockles! (a collective clearing of throats,
then in falsetto) Stiffened blue cockles!
Stiffened blue cockles!
REVERE
I can assure you all, there's no such animal as
stiffened blue cockles!
CROWD
HURRAH! (clearing of throats) Hurray!
ADAMS
Well, unless there are any further objections,
operation tea party will commence tomorrow
evening. See you all there … and don't forget
to bring your finest tea service sets!
Riotous laughter erupts from the crowd.
BLACKADDER
Oh, god, if I don't think up something quickly,
I'm going to lose a fortune.
Scene Ten: Griffin's Wharf, The Royal Stock Market.
Blackadder anxiously awaits in line.
CLERK
Thank you. Have a nice day. Next.
BLACKADDER
Yes, I'd like to sell a few tea futures if I could.
CLERK
How many would you like to sell?
BLACKADDER
Oh, I don't know…say one million?
CLERK
Ha-ha, very funny, sir.
BLACKADDER
Then, how many could I sell?
CLERK
Let's see… (after a number of calculations)
four.
BLACKADDER
Four? It took you six thousand calculations
to come up with four!
CLERK
Do you want to sell them or not?
BLACKADDER
What choice do I have?
CLERK
Thank you. Have a nice day. Next.
Scene Eleven: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.
Baldrick attends the shop. Blackadder storms in, picks up the cat and punts it.
BALDRICK
Sir! Poor little Mildred the cat, what's she
ever done to you?
BLACKADDER
It is the way of the world, Baldrick – the
abused always kick downwards. I am annoyed
and so I kick the cat, the cat. . . (there is a
squeak) pounces on the mouse and, finally,
(Baldrick squeals in pain) the mouse bites you
BLACKADDER (CONT)
on the behind.
BALDRICK
And what do I do?
BLACKADDER
Nothing, you are the last in God's great chain.
Unless there's a gnat around here you'd like to
victimize.
Percy enters from the back of the shop.
PERCY
Hello, Mr. Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
Hello, yourself, Percy.
PERCY
Well, aren't we in the foul mood today?
BLACKADDER
If by 'we' you somehow mean 'me and you' I
shall fire you on the spot for assuming so
contemptuously that you and I had anything
in common.
PERCY
It's just an expression, Mr. Blackadder.
Besides, you might fire me anyway, when
you hear the news I have.
BLACKADDER
I see, and what news is that, Percy?
PERCY
Well, first of all, I think you should promise
not to fire me. After all, I am merely the
messenger.
BLACKADDER
The only thing I'll promise you, Percy, is that
if you don't tell me, your funeral will be a
closed-casket affair.
PERCY
Right. Well, then. As I'm sure you know the
(looks side-to-side and quiets his voice) Sons
of Liberty have been infiltrated by royalist spies.
BLACKADDER
That's as newsworthy as the bulletin 'This
winter, expect it to be colder.'
PERCY
But that's not all. You see, they have figured
out who one of the royalists are.
BALDRICK
Really? Who is it, Mr. Percy?
BLACKADDER
Yes, do tell, who is it?
PERCY
Why, it's you, Mr. Blackadder. The Sons
have pegged you for a royalist spy.
BLACKADDER
I see. And what do they do to royalist spies?
Not that I am one, just out of an inane curiosity.
PERCY
Generally, there are two forms of punishments.
In the first, we take the scoundrel, rip all his
clothes off, cover him with tar and then stick
goose feathers into every nook and cranny we
can find. This being done, he's dragged about
the streets of Boston and generally ridiculed.
BLACKADDER
Tarred and feathered, hey? Doesn't sound like
much fun. What's the second punishment?
BALDRICK
Why, everyone knows that one, Mr. B. Death
by hanging, of course.
BLACKADDER
Death by … (gulp)
Just then Sam Adams and Paul Revere enter the shop.
BLACKADDER
Gentlemen. Good afternoon.
ADAMS
Paul, you secure the door. Percy, you secure
the blinds. Remaining Sons of Liberty, secure
our prisoner!
Revere locks the door, Percy pulls down the blinds and Baldrick clasps Blackadder's arm.
REVERE
All secure, sir.
PERCY
All secure here as well, sir.
BALDRICK
All secure as well …
Blackadder shrugs off Baldrick's hold on his arm.
BLACKADDER
What, may I ask, is all this nonsense about?
ADAMS
You, sir, have been fingered, sir, as a royalist
spy!
BLACKADDER
Who me? You can't be serious. Me? A
royalist spy? Why that's absolute nonsense.
I'm as loyal to the treasonous cause as any
man-Jack rebel amongst us!
ADAMS
You are?
REVERE
You are?
PERCY
You are?
Baldrick tries to speak but Blackadder hits him.
BLACKADDER
Of course I am!
ADAMS
What about the reports that you've purchased
tons of East India tea?
BLACKADDER
What reports?
ADAMS
(holding forth a sheet of paper) These reports.
BLACKADDER
(taking the paper) Oh…you mean these reports.
Well, I thought the brethren had been privy to
my top-secret mission.
ADAMS
Top-secret mission? (turning to Revere) I
was aware of no secret mission.
Revere shrugs, as do Percy and then Baldrick.
BLACKADDER
Of course! I can't believe you don't remember.
It was my covert mission to fool the British
into … into …
ADAMS
Yes…?
BLACKADDER
Why, to fool the British into believing we
patriotic Americans still wanted their despicable
tea and that they should therefore still send it to
the colonies.
ADAMS
I see. (pauses) Yes, brilliant plan that isn't it?
General agreement ensues from the others.
ADAMS
A plan of my own as I recall.
BLACKADDER
And if I may so bold, sir, a brilliant plan at
that!
ADAMS
I believe I've already called the plan brilliant,
Edmund. Revere, call off the lynch mob, they'll
be no hanging today.
BLACKADDER
Hurrah!
ADAMS
Nonetheless, brethren, I still bring news.
Our ranks have been infiltrated again and thus
we must change our disguise yet again.
BLACKADDER
And what will it be this time? Convent Nuns?
Persian Mystics? A giant Greek horse?
ADAMS
No. Although I must admit, Edmund, you really
should seek an appointment to the sub-committee
responsible for the instruction of the creative
disguises team.
BLACKADDER
Will we disguise as Quakers? Puritans? Great
woolly yetis?
ADAMS
We shall disguise ourselves as ... natives!
Scene Twelve: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.
Blackadder sits counting a huge pile of money when Percy and Baldrick enter.
BLACKADDER
Ah, good morning Percy, good morning,
Baldrick.
PERCY
Well, aren't we in high spirits today?
BLACKADDER
Indeed, we are, Perce, indeed we are.
BALDRICK
Why so chipper, Mr. B?
BLACKADDER
I am so chipper, Balders, because my
reimbursements arrived today.
PERCY
You're reimbursements?
BLACKADDER
Yes. When I reminded that imbecile Adams
that it was his idea to buy tons of worthless tea
which now brews in our very harbor, he
instructed Mr.-Deep-Pockets, John Hancock
to reimburse me for my losses.
PERCY
Well, that is fortunate, isn't it?
BLACKADDER
It just goes to show you, Percy. It doesn't
matter what the socio-political climate is,
opportunistic, conniving, dishonest business-
men can always make a profit.
In
"Tea for Two … Thousand"
adapted from characters created by
Richard Curtis and Ben Elton
Script by Jared Baxter
Copyright, 2003
Scene One: Boston Street, 1773.
Blackadder and Baldrick attempt to cross the street. Paul Revere comes galloping by.
REVERE
The British are coming! The British are
coming!
Mud splatters all over Blackadder and Baldrick as he races by. Pissed-off, Blackadder wipes the mud from his face.
BLACKADDER
Of course the bloody British are coming.
We've been coming for a hundred and fifty
years. How is that suddenly newsworthy?
Baldrick watches the horse's sinewy ass ride away in awe, his face aglow through the fresher patches of mud.
BALDRICK
(awe-struck)
What's that, Mr. B?
Scene Two: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.
Percy attends the shop when Blackadder and Baldrick enter.
PERCY
Good morning, Mr. Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
That's your opinion, Percy. Baldrick, see that
this cloak gets a proper cleaning. (removes
cloak)
BALDRICK
Right away, Mr. B.
BLACKADDER
That damned busy-body Paul Revere has been
racing up and down the streets of Boston like a
man possessed again, splattering mud wherever
he goes.
BALDRICK
I thought it was quite exciting. Didn't mind
the mud meself.
BLACKADDER
Yes, well this from a man, and I use such a
term in the loosest sense possible, Baldrick,
who eats dung for breakfast. (Baldrick exits
with cloak)
PERCY
What do you suppose Revere's up to now?
BLACKADDER
Oh, god, who cares? Rabble-rousing, no
doubt. You'd think the most famous goldsmith
in Boston could keep busy enough smithing
gold and not need to take odd jobs as a courier.
What will he stoop to next? Take-out delivery
for Mrs. Miggins' Pie Shoppe?
PERCY
Well if you ask me, Mr. Blackadder, I've got
to agree with Baldrick. (Baldrick re-enters)
I find it all very exciting.
BLACKADDER
I didn't ask you, Percy, and the mere fact that
you'd agree with anything Baldrick had to say,
will cost you a shilling from this week's pay.
BALDRICK
Find all what very exciting?
BLACKADDER
Colonial insolence, Baldrick, although I
wouldn't expect you to comprehend such a
statement.
BALDRICK
Fair enough, Mr. Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
What these deranged revolutionaries fail to
understand is we are subjects of the British
crown, even if it is worn by a mad sauerkraut-
and-sausage sucking German. Nearly every
one of us in the Massachusetts colony can
BLACKADDER (CONT)
trace his roots back to England, Scotland, or,
at the very least, Wales.
BALDRICK
Not me. I'm Irish.
BLACKADDER
Right. Well, society's sewage must seep from
somewhere, Baldrick.
PERCY
I can feel proud in calling myself an American.
My family tree traces back to that fateful
voyage of the Mayflower. Nobody's been here
longer than my family.
BLACKADDER
No. Unless, of course, you count the natives.
They might have just edged your family here,
Perce.
PERCY
How did you come to the colonies, Mr. Black-
adder?
BLACKADDER
The old-fashioned way; my father was a noble-
man who was thrown out of England for crimes
against his peasantry.
PERCY
What were the crimes?
BLACKADDER
I am very proud to say that the list is far too
long to recount here.
BALDRICK
I came over the old-fashioned way meself, too.
BLACKADDER
Being bludgeoned on the head in a drunken
stupor and sold into servitude is not anyone's
idea of 'old-fashioned.'
BALDRICK
Well, it's all the rage where I go 'round.
BLACKADDER
So is urinating in the streets and incestuous
relationships with your mothers, but that
doesn't make it old-fashioned. I'm going out
for a cup of tea. You two mind the store.
Scene Three: Mrs. Miggins' Pie Shoppe.
Blackadder enters.
MRS. MIGGINS
Morning, Mr. Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
Morning, Mrs. Miggins. Slice of rhubarb and
a cup of tea, if you please.
MRS. MIGGINS
No, I'm afraid I don't please, Mr. B.
BLACKADDER
Mrs. Miggins, need I remind you that I am a
paying customer and it is my patronage to
your putrid establishment which feeds and
clothes you and your wretched family?
MRS. MIGGINS
You needn't remind me of that! It's just that
my shop doesn't sell tea anymore.
BLACKADDER
Doesn't sell tea anymore? Have you gone
completely mad, woman? Who's going to eat
your pies without tea to wash down their
rancid aftertaste?
MRS. MIGGINS
I think you're the one that's gone mad, Mr. B.
Haven't you heard? There's been a ban on tea
sales by those splendid Sons of Liberty. How
about a nice cup of coffee?
BLACKADDER
Sons of Liberty? I should have guessed.
Leave it to the disgruntled element to ruin it
for the rest of us loyal, law-abiding citizens.
But, why tea? Why the sudden aversion to
the last piece of civilization from the old world?
MRS. MIGGINS
(on the hush-hush)
Can you keep a secret, Mr. B?
BLACKADDER
Can I keep a secret? Does Ben Franklin keep
a list of insidious clichés?
MRS. MIGGINS
Parliament has given the East India Company
a huge tax break on eight million tons of
warehoused tea.
BLACKADDER
How huge?
MRS. MIGGINS
Well, let's just say that East India tea will be
cheaper than that black-market stuff you've
been selling me these past years.
BLACKADDER
That is huge. How did you acquire such
information?
MRS. MIGGINS
Oh, I have me sources, Mr. Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
Yes, and would your sources know when this
tea were to be arriving?
MRS. MIGGINS
They would, although, I must warn you, it's
not going to do you any good. The Sons of
Liberty have plans for that tea already.
BLACKADDER
Do they?
Scene Four: Outside of Mrs. Miggins' Shoppe.
Off-camera is the rapid clip-clop of hooves. As Blackadder takes a sip of coffee, Revere races by splattering him with mud again.
Scene Five: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.
Blackadder pours over a ledger. Baldrick dusts.
BLACKADDER
Let's see … at one shilling, sixpence a pound,
times one million, equals …
BALDRICK
Wait, don't tell me … (calculating on fingers)
Nope, I've got no idea.
BLACKADDER
What a surprise. (Percy enters from the back
of the shop) It comes out to a load of bloody
damned money is what it comes to.
PERCY
What's a load of bloody damned money?
BLACKADDER
The investment of a lifetime, Percy. The
investment of a lifetime.
PERCY
What, you're not on about that East India tea
again are you?
BLACKADDER
I wouldn't expect you to understand. If I can
leverage this properly, I'll corner the colonial
tea market.
PERCY
(guffaws)
I doubt that.
BLACKADDER
Oh, and what makes you so sure? From
BLACKADDER (CONT)
whence does a man who was so often passed
up on wit, but so often visited by stupidity,
make such a claim?
PERCY
(defensively)
Simple, really. Americans aren't going to be
buying tea anymore. (pauses) So there won't
be any market to corner. You'll be like … be
like … why, you'll be like the man who owns
a corner market where no one lives … or even
comes to visit. That's what you'll be like.
BLACKADDER
Please, Percy, leave the metaphors to the
vertebrates. You'll strain a muscle in that
thick little cranium of yours.
BALDRICK
(pauses)
Well, that's a mixed metaphor, isn't it, Mr. B?
BLACKADDER
Shut up, Baldrick. The last thing I need right
now is input from the society for illiteracy.
PERCY
Well, I may be thick …
BLACKADDER
Correct.
PERCY
But at least I'm aware of what's going on. You
don't even pay attention to the news. You're
not even aware we're at the brink of war!
BLACKADDER
We are not at the brink of war. War's bad for
the economy. Besides, Parliament will squash
the surly insurrectionists and it will be back to
business as usual. After Sam Adams and the
rest of his trouble-makers are rounded up, and
publicly hanged; it'll be back to business as
BLACKADDER (CONT)
usual. And that means the buying, selling and
drinking of tea!
BALDRICK
Not me. I'm putting my fortune in coffee
futures.
BLACKADDER
Baldrick, you are indentured to me. You have
no fortune.
BALDRICK
Rotten luck that, isn't it?
PERCY
Was that a pun?
BLACKADDER
Stop it the both of you! We'll have no more
queries about figures of speech. What's at
stake here is the future of my business, and
therefore, the future of your welfare.
PERCY
I think you mean 'futures of your welfare.'
BALDRICK
Are you sure it's not 'yours welfares?'
BLACKADDER
Quite.
PERCY
Tell you what, Mr. Blackadder, if you really
want to get a feel for the current state of affairs,
you should join me at a rally for the Sons of
Liberty tonight.
BLACKADDER
Oh, and what's tonight's keynote address?
Tax evasion and the American Dream?
Scene Six: Griffin's Wharf, The Royal Stock Market.
Blackadder waits in a line. He is recognized and approached by Samuel Adams, who is dressed rather shabbily.
ADAMS
Ah, Edmund, how nice to see you.
BLACKADDER
Mr. Adams, how nice to … be seen.
ADAMS
What a wit! I like you, Edmund. I'd like to
let you in on a little stock tip from John
Hancock, himself.
Everybody in the room stops and leans in to listen.
ADAMS
(glancing around)
When Hancock speaks, people listen.
BLACKADDER
That's it? That's your tip? 'When Hancock
speaks, people listen?'
ADAMS
No, no. Don't be ridiculous. Hancock says
'Tea's for the bears, coffee's for the bulls.'
BLACKADDER
Yes, and riddles are for the bored. Good day,
Mr. Adams.
Sam Adams offended, exits. Blackadder is now second in line.
MAN-IN-LINE
I'd like to purchase any available coffee futures.
CLERK
(droning)
You and everyone else. How much would
you like?
MAN-IN-LINE
How much have you got?
CLERK
(droning, still)
Looks like you've got the last one. Thank you.
Have a nice day. Next.
BLACKADDER
I'd like to purchase all available …
CLERK
(droning)
Let me guess … coffee futures.
BLACKADDER
Don't be absurd. Coffee has no future in
the Americas.
CLERK
(still droning)
Don't be so near-sighted, sir. One day there
could be a coffee shop on every block in the
colonies.
BLACKADDER
Yes, and one day we'll fly from city to city like
great big birds.
CLERK
You never know, sir.
BLACKADDER
What I'd like to buy are your remaining tea
futures.
CLERK
(snickering)
No problem, sir. How many would you like?
BLACKADDER
Oh, I don't know … say, one million?
CLERK
It's your funeral. There you are. Thank you.
Have a nice day. Next.
Scene Seven: Under the Liberty Tree.
Percy and Blackadder are disguised as Hasidic Jews. As they reach the Liberty Tree, a throng of men dressed likewise are brandishing pitch forks and the like.
BLACKADDER
I hardly see what good these outfits do, Percy.
No British officer is going to believe a group
of six hundred Hasidic Jews are visiting Boston.
PERCY
Yes, well, you see, the Sons of Liberty are a
secret society and one of the tenets of being a
secret society is that membership be kept,
well, you know, a secret.
BLACKADDER
The Sons of Liberty haven't kept a secret so
poorly since Captain John Smith claimed he
was merely 'tutoring' Pocahontas.
A short, soiled, Hasidic Jew bearing a striking resemblance to Baldrick approaches.
BALDRICK
Evening, Mr. B. Evening, Brother Mathias.
PERCY
Evening, Brother Lechiem. (spitting all over
Blackadder)
BLACKADDER
Did you just cough something up, Percy?
(removing a hankie)
PERCY
Indeed, not. I was merely welcoming my
fellow brethren, Lechiem. (spraying again)
BLACKADDER
If you do that again I shall need a beach towel.
(wiping his face)
PERCY
Shhh … I believe the rally's getting under way.
Sam Adams dressed as a … you guessed it, a Hasidic Jew, addresses the crowd.
ADAMS
Sons, Jews, Countrymen, lend me your ear
locks. Also, lend me your beards and a
yarmulke or two if you can spare them.
BLACKADDER
A master orator.
ADAMS
My disguises seem to wear thin rather quickly.
But onto important matters. Tonight's address
was going to be part nine of my splendid sermon
Tax Evasion and the American Dream, but we
must save that for another time.
A sigh of disappointment lifts from the crowd.
ADAMS
Instead we shall make plans to do plunder to
the millions of pounds of tea en route to Boston
from that infested bed of tyranny, London.
Roar of approval rages from the masses.
BLACKADDER
What do we intend to do!
PERCY
Yes! What is our plan of attack?
ADAMS
I was just getting to that. When His Majesties'
ships are docked we shall board them, ransack
their stores and dump the tea into the harbor!
An even louder roar rises from the throng. Then, it dies down. Blackadder thinks quickly.
BLACKADDER
But what about the webbed-foot boobies?
ADAMS
What about the what?
BLACKADDER
The webbed-foot boobies. What about them?
ADAMS
Excuse me, sir. But what is a webbed-foot
booby?
BLACKADDER
The endangered species of bird indigenous to
Massachusetts Bay. If tons of tea were dumped
into the harbor, certainly the habitat of this
beautiful and precious water fowl would be
compromised.
ADAMS
Hmm, I hadn't thought of that.
PERCY
Yes! What about the webbed-foot boobies?
ENTIRE CROWD
(chanting)
Webbed-foot boobies! Webbed-foot boobies!
Webbed-foot boobies!
ADAMS
Admittedly, I'm no ornithologist … perhaps,
we could move their nesting grounds.
BLACKADDER
But that might kill them!
The crowd gasps a sigh of disapproval.
ADAMS
As I was about to say … temporarily … move
their nesting grounds.
The crowd is agreeable to this solution.
BLACKADDER
What about the brown virgin beaver?
ADAMS
What about the who?
BLACKADDER
The brown virgin beaver!
PERCY
Yes! What about the brown virgin beaver!
ENTIRE CROWD
(chanting)
Brown virgin beaver! Brown virgin beaver!
Brown virgin beaver!
Scene Eight: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.
Baldrick shines Blackadder's shoes. Sam Adams enters.
BLACKADDER
Good day, Mr. Adams. To what do we owe
the pleasure of your visit?
ADAMS
Mr. Blackadder, I assure you, the pleasure is
all mine. For it has come to my attention,
Edmund, that you have been nominated to
join a certain secret society which shall
remain nameless.
BLACKADDER
You don't mean the Sons of Liberty, do you …
ADAMS
Hush … there are royal spies everywhere.
BLACKADDER
While I am flattered to join the Sons of
Liberty …
ADAMS
SHHH!
BLACKADDER
While I am flattered to join the secret society …
Percy enters from the back.
ADAMS
What's that? Secret society you say? No idea
ADAMS (CONT)
what you're talking about.
PERCY
Mr. Adams? It's me, Percy. You know,
(back of his hand to his mouth and winking)
Brother Mathias.
ADAMS
I know no Mathias. I know only loyalists to
His Majesties' crown!
BALDRICK
What about me?
ADAMS
Who are you? I've never met this urchin
before in my life.
BALDRICK
But I'm Brother Lechiem.
Sam Adams cleans his face of Baldrick's spittle.
Blackadder walks to the counter, pulls out two hats with black locks hanging from them, and sets them on Baldrick's and Percy's heads.
BLACKADDER
There. Does that help?
Adams bumbles, pulls down the blinds in the shop's windows and locks the door.
ADAMS
I say, won't you be more careful, Edmund?
There are royal spies everywhere.
BLACKADDER
Yes, pesky, aren't they? Could be right under
your nose and you'd never even know it.
ADAMS
Now, first things first. Before I may share the
society's secret news, Mr. Blackadder must be
initiated.
BALDRICK
Oh, goody, I like a nice initiation. All the
crying and screaming as the Sons riddle the
newcomer's naked body with pebbles, stones
and the occasional boulder.
BLACKADDER
(evasively)
Right, well, I'm afraid I've no time for an
initiation ceremony today. Too much business
to do. Terribly sorry.
ADAMS
Sorry, eh? Yes, me as well, me as well. For
you see, gentlemen, none of us have the time
for the traditional initiation ceremony. Not
with those foul-mouthed British regulars
preying upon the very soul of freedom, like,
like, like some giant thing preying upon the
very soul of freedom.
Percy and Baldrick are disappointed.
BLACKADDER
Yes, sad news that, isn't it?
PERCY
Does this mean the three of us brethren shall
perform the abridged initiation ceremony?
ADAMS
Indeed it does, Brother Mathias. Indeed it does.
Now to begin.
Adams takes the hat off of Baldrick and sets it on Blackadder's head. Adams raises his right hand, and then his right leg. Blackadder does likewise. So do Percy and Baldrick.
ADAMS
Mr. Blackadder, repeat after me. I do solemnly
swear to uphold the duties and the disguises of
my brethren, the Sons of Liberty.
BLACKADDER
I do solemnly swear to uphold the duties and
the disguises of my brethren, the Sons of Liberty.
ADAMS
Gentlemen, commence.
Percy and Baldrick begin tickling Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
(laughing) Stop it. Stop it. (Now angry) I
said stop it or I'll have the both of you flogged
from here to the Carolinas!
They immediately stop .
ADAMS
Now, to the business at hand. Brothers, I have
news.
PERCY
News, sir?
BALDRICK
News, sir?
ADAMS
That's what I said. I have news.
PERCY
What news, sir?
BALDRICK
Yes. What news, sir?
ADAMS
If you'd both shut up for a flipping moment,
I'll tell you. Our ranks have been infiltrated.
Last night's 'secret meeting' was attended by
royalist spies.
PERCY
Oh, no, what does this mean?
BALDRICK
Oh, no, what does this mean?
BLACKADDER
(flippant)
Pray, do tell, sir. What could this mean?
ADAMS
What this means is that our cover has been
blown. But only temporarily, mind you. We
have come up with a new disguise.
PERCY
Really, sir? A new disguise?
BALDRICK
Really, sir? A new …
BLACKADDER
(hitting Baldrick on the nose) That's enough
out of the both of you.
ADAMS
Yes. From now on the Sons of Liberty shall
masquerade as …
BLACKADDER
Arabs? Russian Cossacks? Venetian
Gondoliers?
ADAMS
No, though good disguises, all of them.
BLACKADDER
Vikings? Fishmongers? Convention of horny
lederhosen salesmen?
ADAMS
No. We shall disguise ourselves as the fairer
sex.
BLACKADDER
Of course, and shall we also call ourselves the
'Daughters of Liberty?'
BALDRICK
I don't even know the poorer sex. How am I
BALDRICK (CONT)
supposed to disguise myself as the fairer sex?
BLACKADDER
I think what Mr. Adams is saying, Baldrick, is
that we'll dress as women.
ADAMS
Precisely, sir!
PERCY
Oh, splendid!
BLACKADDER
Yes, I would have known you'd be excited,
Percy. Well, this is a brilliant idea. And to
whose genius may we attribute this enlight-
ened notion of dressing as drag queens?
ADAMS
That marvelous patriot, Mr. Paul Revere.
BLACKADDER
Of course. Paul Revere. Should have guessed
it, really. Who else but that cross-dressing,
prancing goldsmith would have concocted such
a plan?
ADAMS
That being revealed, gentlemen, you shall each
don new aliases as well. Baldrick, you shall
be known as Nancy. Blackadder, you shall be
known as Mary. And Percy, you shall be
known as … Percy.
Scene Nine: Mrs. Miggins' Pie Shoppe.
Blackadder, Percy and Baldrick, arrive, dressed in drag. You'd swear the place had turned into a gay bar.
BLACKADDER
Evening, Mrs. Miggins.
MRS. MIGGINS
Evening, Mr. Blackadder, (coughs) excuse me,
I mean …
A dejected Blackadder pulls his nametag from his blouse so she can read it.
MRS. MIGGINS
Mary. (she winks) What can I get for you this
evening?
BLACKADDER
Yes, well I suppose since you're not selling tea
anymore, I'll have a cup of brown water with
grit in it. Unless by some miracle you've
figured out how to brew coffee.
MRS. MIGGINS
Poke fun all you'd like, Mary, but coffee's the
future in the colonies. Why, one day, I'll bet
there's a coffee shop on every corner. Maybe
even two.
BLACKADDER
No doubt. It should happen about the same
time we find the cure for dysentery.
The ah— men, find a table in the busy shop.
PERCY
Why did I end up with the codename 'Percy'?
That's not a very covert name, is it?
BLACKADDER
It's every bit as covert as the rest of this
ridiculous charade.
PERCY
Well, if you're so opposed to it, why did you
join?
BLACKADDER
I have my reasons, Percy.
Adams, dressed in drag, and a prancing Paul Revere behind him, take the front of the room.
ADAMS
If we could come to order please, gentleman.
(coughs – now in falsetto) If we could come to
ADAMS (CONT)
order please, ladies.
REVERE
Yes, ladies, good evening and welcome to the
first ever, ah... Audubon society meeting.
We'd like to start off by thanking our most
gracious hostess, Mrs. Miggins. Now please
tip your waitresses as we'd like to be invited
back again.
ADAMS
Our first item of business is a report from the
sub-committee devoted to the preservation of
the webbed-foot booby and the brown virgin
beaver. Nancy, you have the floor.
Baldrick rises and steps to the front of the room. He pulls out a crumpled piece of paper.
BALDRICK
(reads)
As many of you know, it is our society's
devotion to the environment which sets us
apart.
Paul Revere captures Baldrick's attention by hitting his throat with the side of his hand.
BALDRICK
(reads in falsetto)
As many of you know, it is our society's
devotion to the environment which sets us
apart. This being said, the sub-committee on
the preservation of the webbed-foot booby and
the brown virgin beaver have nothing to report …
as we could find no trace of either living in the
harbor. It is our opinion they are already extinct.
The crowd gasps.
ADAMS
Well (clearing throat, back to falsetto) well,
this is bad news. However, if we are to search
for a brighter side, operation tea party is back on!
The crowd cheers, clears their throats, then cheers again, this time in falsetto.
BLACKADDER
What about the stiffened blue cockles?
ADAMS
What? (in falsetto) I mean, what? Who said that?
BLACKADDER
(in falsetto)
What about the stiffened blue cockles?
PERCY
Yes! What about the stiffened blue cockles!
ENTIRE CROWD
(chanting)
Stiffened blue cockles! Stiffened blue
cockles! (a collective clearing of throats,
then in falsetto) Stiffened blue cockles!
Stiffened blue cockles!
REVERE
I can assure you all, there's no such animal as
stiffened blue cockles!
CROWD
HURRAH! (clearing of throats) Hurray!
ADAMS
Well, unless there are any further objections,
operation tea party will commence tomorrow
evening. See you all there … and don't forget
to bring your finest tea service sets!
Riotous laughter erupts from the crowd.
BLACKADDER
Oh, god, if I don't think up something quickly,
I'm going to lose a fortune.
Scene Ten: Griffin's Wharf, The Royal Stock Market.
Blackadder anxiously awaits in line.
CLERK
Thank you. Have a nice day. Next.
BLACKADDER
Yes, I'd like to sell a few tea futures if I could.
CLERK
How many would you like to sell?
BLACKADDER
Oh, I don't know…say one million?
CLERK
Ha-ha, very funny, sir.
BLACKADDER
Then, how many could I sell?
CLERK
Let's see… (after a number of calculations)
four.
BLACKADDER
Four? It took you six thousand calculations
to come up with four!
CLERK
Do you want to sell them or not?
BLACKADDER
What choice do I have?
CLERK
Thank you. Have a nice day. Next.
Scene Eleven: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.
Baldrick attends the shop. Blackadder storms in, picks up the cat and punts it.
BALDRICK
Sir! Poor little Mildred the cat, what's she
ever done to you?
BLACKADDER
It is the way of the world, Baldrick – the
abused always kick downwards. I am annoyed
and so I kick the cat, the cat. . . (there is a
squeak) pounces on the mouse and, finally,
(Baldrick squeals in pain) the mouse bites you
BLACKADDER (CONT)
on the behind.
BALDRICK
And what do I do?
BLACKADDER
Nothing, you are the last in God's great chain.
Unless there's a gnat around here you'd like to
victimize.
Percy enters from the back of the shop.
PERCY
Hello, Mr. Blackadder.
BLACKADDER
Hello, yourself, Percy.
PERCY
Well, aren't we in the foul mood today?
BLACKADDER
If by 'we' you somehow mean 'me and you' I
shall fire you on the spot for assuming so
contemptuously that you and I had anything
in common.
PERCY
It's just an expression, Mr. Blackadder.
Besides, you might fire me anyway, when
you hear the news I have.
BLACKADDER
I see, and what news is that, Percy?
PERCY
Well, first of all, I think you should promise
not to fire me. After all, I am merely the
messenger.
BLACKADDER
The only thing I'll promise you, Percy, is that
if you don't tell me, your funeral will be a
closed-casket affair.
PERCY
Right. Well, then. As I'm sure you know the
(looks side-to-side and quiets his voice) Sons
of Liberty have been infiltrated by royalist spies.
BLACKADDER
That's as newsworthy as the bulletin 'This
winter, expect it to be colder.'
PERCY
But that's not all. You see, they have figured
out who one of the royalists are.
BALDRICK
Really? Who is it, Mr. Percy?
BLACKADDER
Yes, do tell, who is it?
PERCY
Why, it's you, Mr. Blackadder. The Sons
have pegged you for a royalist spy.
BLACKADDER
I see. And what do they do to royalist spies?
Not that I am one, just out of an inane curiosity.
PERCY
Generally, there are two forms of punishments.
In the first, we take the scoundrel, rip all his
clothes off, cover him with tar and then stick
goose feathers into every nook and cranny we
can find. This being done, he's dragged about
the streets of Boston and generally ridiculed.
BLACKADDER
Tarred and feathered, hey? Doesn't sound like
much fun. What's the second punishment?
BALDRICK
Why, everyone knows that one, Mr. B. Death
by hanging, of course.
BLACKADDER
Death by … (gulp)
Just then Sam Adams and Paul Revere enter the shop.
BLACKADDER
Gentlemen. Good afternoon.
ADAMS
Paul, you secure the door. Percy, you secure
the blinds. Remaining Sons of Liberty, secure
our prisoner!
Revere locks the door, Percy pulls down the blinds and Baldrick clasps Blackadder's arm.
REVERE
All secure, sir.
PERCY
All secure here as well, sir.
BALDRICK
All secure as well …
Blackadder shrugs off Baldrick's hold on his arm.
BLACKADDER
What, may I ask, is all this nonsense about?
ADAMS
You, sir, have been fingered, sir, as a royalist
spy!
BLACKADDER
Who me? You can't be serious. Me? A
royalist spy? Why that's absolute nonsense.
I'm as loyal to the treasonous cause as any
man-Jack rebel amongst us!
ADAMS
You are?
REVERE
You are?
PERCY
You are?
Baldrick tries to speak but Blackadder hits him.
BLACKADDER
Of course I am!
ADAMS
What about the reports that you've purchased
tons of East India tea?
BLACKADDER
What reports?
ADAMS
(holding forth a sheet of paper) These reports.
BLACKADDER
(taking the paper) Oh…you mean these reports.
Well, I thought the brethren had been privy to
my top-secret mission.
ADAMS
Top-secret mission? (turning to Revere) I
was aware of no secret mission.
Revere shrugs, as do Percy and then Baldrick.
BLACKADDER
Of course! I can't believe you don't remember.
It was my covert mission to fool the British
into … into …
ADAMS
Yes…?
BLACKADDER
Why, to fool the British into believing we
patriotic Americans still wanted their despicable
tea and that they should therefore still send it to
the colonies.
ADAMS
I see. (pauses) Yes, brilliant plan that isn't it?
General agreement ensues from the others.
ADAMS
A plan of my own as I recall.
BLACKADDER
And if I may so bold, sir, a brilliant plan at
that!
ADAMS
I believe I've already called the plan brilliant,
Edmund. Revere, call off the lynch mob, they'll
be no hanging today.
BLACKADDER
Hurrah!
ADAMS
Nonetheless, brethren, I still bring news.
Our ranks have been infiltrated again and thus
we must change our disguise yet again.
BLACKADDER
And what will it be this time? Convent Nuns?
Persian Mystics? A giant Greek horse?
ADAMS
No. Although I must admit, Edmund, you really
should seek an appointment to the sub-committee
responsible for the instruction of the creative
disguises team.
BLACKADDER
Will we disguise as Quakers? Puritans? Great
woolly yetis?
ADAMS
We shall disguise ourselves as ... natives!
Scene Twelve: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.
Blackadder sits counting a huge pile of money when Percy and Baldrick enter.
BLACKADDER
Ah, good morning Percy, good morning,
Baldrick.
PERCY
Well, aren't we in high spirits today?
BLACKADDER
Indeed, we are, Perce, indeed we are.
BALDRICK
Why so chipper, Mr. B?
BLACKADDER
I am so chipper, Balders, because my
reimbursements arrived today.
PERCY
You're reimbursements?
BLACKADDER
Yes. When I reminded that imbecile Adams
that it was his idea to buy tons of worthless tea
which now brews in our very harbor, he
instructed Mr.-Deep-Pockets, John Hancock
to reimburse me for my losses.
PERCY
Well, that is fortunate, isn't it?
BLACKADDER
It just goes to show you, Percy. It doesn't
matter what the socio-political climate is,
opportunistic, conniving, dishonest business-
men can always make a profit.