Disclaimer: All characters that are written about in this fix are NOT, I repeat, NOT mine. Which is a real shame coz I could have probably made the whole Eva series a lil' less mind warping. *shrugs* Still, never mind. I don't own anything… I'm poor. SO DON'T SUE! Danke Schon… Wark.
(A/N: WARNING: due to my general lack of spelling ability I may well spell many a Japanese names or German phrase wrong, so I apologise in advance for any of my crap spelling mistakes I will most likely make in this fic. Also I would like to warn people of my very, very odd mind. I am weird. But, I would like to thank Ilphi for giving me this challenge. Asuka and Shinji get locked in somewhere after a test. *shrugs* it sounded like a good idea to me. So with that all said and done let us all sit back and enjoy this random Eva fic. BO SELECTA!)
Nothing Eva Goes
Their Way…
By The Redundant Goddess…
Give Us a Beginning/ We Know Something Will Happen…
Lets start the story like most stories after an event… with a rundown of what has happened after said event. For instance this so called big event would be the failed attempt of a third impact scenario for told, or rather, wanted by Seele. A bunch of old geezers trying to play God but got the wool pulled over their eyes by one Gendo " I am an 3vil bastard with cool sun glasses" Ikari, thus ending up with a total mind warping fest with the whole world nearly going to pot, but for some strange reason… didn't.
Any way, after the really crap attempt at blowing the world to Ka-boomie-ville, things in Tokyo 3 started to get better. By better we mean that there were no more angels to blow up, no more insane idiots with lots of dosh to spend on giant humanoid type mecha's that held the key to destroying pretty much everything on the face of the planet and the workers at Nerv finally got their Christmas party. Much to the approval of the new head of Nerv, Major, or rather, Commander Misato Katsuragi, who only got the job due to the UN finding out about Gendo's naughty little lies and locking him up in a low security prison somewhere in England (Most likely the same place they stuffed Jeffery Archer). But still, life was getting back to normal and after a year or so without incident everyone thought they would see the last of the Eva's. However, everyone, including those poor souls at Nerv, were wrong.
For some strange and most likely, knowing the way things go when any Eva is evolved, misguided reason, the UN decided to let Nerv continue it's work and keep the Eva's up and running in case anyone wanted to try destroy the world again. Quite a good reason by all accounts, except maybe the fact that after second impact there weren't many people left on earth who wanted to go up in arms and declare war on anyone. So, boredom followed very shortly after Commander Katsuragi's appointment as Head of Nerv, even with her random staff parties. Everyone was bored. Well, except maybe Dr Ritsuko Akgai.
With good ol' Gendo getting locked up, the charges the former head of Nerv had placed upon the good, if ever so slightly messed up, Doctor were dropped. Thus leaving her to do what ever she wanted… with the Eva's. Not a very good thing if your name is Maya Ibuki, general dogs body and one-person fan club of said Dr Akgai. The poor girl was subjected to more orders than a curry house after a football match. More tests here and more tests there, the poor girl was worn out and all for the benefit of someone who wasn't a real blonde. Yet, Miss Ibuki wasn't the only one to suffer for Dr Akgai's fun and today was to be no exception…
Now on to the real story.
It was early morning in Tokyo 3. People were still blissfully snoring and snoozing as the sun peeked its head up and over the horizon of the rather cool looking citadel. However, that was not to last, as the time neared 7:00 am. A fate more terrifying than any of the impacts before would engulf the sleeping city.
Beep!
" GET UP BAKA!"
Crack!
"ARGH… WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR AUSKA?"
Smack!
"WHY THE HELL NOT DUMM KOPF!"
Wallop!
And it went on like that for another half an hour. The whole of Tokyo 3 shook rattled and nearly damn well collapsed from all the noise and violence taking place in one apartment building. You can guess which one it was because after that half hour there came a loud bird like sound or another voice.
"WILL YOU TWO SUT UP ALREADY I AM TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP! DON'Y MAKE ME GET MY GUN OUT!" Screamed one, slightly hung over, Commander Misato.
Then, silence swept over the city. Not exactly a good wake up call, but it worked. Everyone in Tokyo 3 never slept in. How could they when they had that racket to contend with?
The morning played out like any other morning in the Katsuragi flat of d00m. Shinji Ikrai, the seriously shy and not so messed up any more Pilot of Eva Unit 01, would get up, get dressed in his spiffy looking school uniform and carefully, with out breaking his neck by falling arse over tit on an empty Beer can, made his way to the kitchen and with any luck would make a breakfast that met with his co-flat mate picky standards.
Luckily it wasn't the scary lady with the gun, Misato generally didn't care what she ate as long as it didn't taste like something she had just vomited up in the toilet after a hard nights drinking session. It also wasn't the, somewhat, evil looking penguin that lived in the fridge next to the beer fridge that frightened Shinji. Pen Pen was actually quite a fan of the young Ikari's cooking and would only peck the poor boy if he forgot to give him thirds. No, the person Shinji most feared when it came to his breakfast/ life was one Asuka Langley… what's her face. The red devil incarnate, as the other two of the three stooges had put it.
Now, although Shinji rarely spoke ill of anybody, well except maybe his father who was a complete bastard and everyone didn't mind Shinji bad mouth, Asuka was one person he would love to diss in public, if it wasn't for the fact she could beat his arse five ways from Sunday.
Although he accepted that she was the same as he, by that we mean a little fucked up in the head due to their tragic child hoods, and that he sympathised with her, he had agreed with himself long ago that… she was a complete and utter bitch! Okay, she had to live with the fact that she saw her mother's dead body hanging when she was just little, but that was no reason for her to come in to his room every frigging morning and kick the living crap out of him, demanding he get up. Then on top of that lovely start to the morning, have her randomly hit and shout verbal abuse at him all day until he went to sleep, but even there she managed to invade his dreams with:
"YOU PERVET!"
All, in all Shinji really didn't like Asuka. He would have probably liked her more if it weren't for that fact she did all those things above and more. She had nice moments, but on the whole was a total and utter bitch to him and his friends. I just wish I could stand up to her a bit more…thought Shinji as stirred something absolutely delicious. Maybe she would respect me more and might be nice to me…
"Hey Shinji!" Beckoned the demonic red haired pilot of Unit 02 causing Shinji to jump and yelp as he tossed something in the hot pan causing a little drop of very hot oil to splash onto his hand. " Is my breakfast done yet?"
"In a minute!" He managed to whimper back as he tended to his scolded hand.
Meanwhile Shinji felt a small peck; or rather bite, in his left leg. Another yelp and holler escaped Shinji's throat as he bent down to rub his leg and find his attacker. Pen Pen the evil looking warm water penguin gave the young boy a stern look and a tap of his webbed feet.
"I said it'll be a minute okay, but I'll make sure I give you the large portions okay?" Said the pilot of Unit 01, who was at that very moment balancing on his uninjured leg trying to serve up whatever he had been cooking. When he had finally managed to do the somewhat difficult, problematic task, another ugly problem reared its ugly head.
"What's that about large portions?" asked an "I am so up for a ruckus" looking Asuka.
Knowing he was on dangerous ground when it came to the words " Large" and "Asuka", Shinji came up with the best and truthful answer.
"I…I..I..I was just saying to Pen Pen that I'll make sure he gets a large portion since he had to put up with Misato's drunken antics last night." Stuttered the poor boy, hoping Askua would just drop the subject and not escalate it into world war 23, by their count.
The red devil gave Shinji and funny look as she sat to her breakfast of… something or another that smelt really good.
"Really? But what if I wanted a large portion too?" She asked, whilst tucking in.
"Well, I..I guess you could have a large portion too, if you wanted Asuka." The young pilot absently replied as he too sat himself down at the table and ate his creation. However, this… peace was not to last, as Shinji's last innocent comment would cost him.
"SO YOU THINK I AM FAT DO YOU?" Roared the second child.
"Huh?"
"YOU THINK I AM FAT! THAT'S WHY YOU GAVE THE STUPID BIRD MORE THAN ME!"
"Asuka… I"
"COME ON THIRD CHILD! WHAT DO YOU THINK?" She screeched as she whirled round the table and shoved her bum in the poor long suffering Shinji's face. "DOES MEIN BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?"
"ASUKA!" He cried, trying to look at something other than her arse. "PUT IT AWAY PLEASE!"
And thus another war of words broke out, with Asuka being the winner, as per usual, and kicking Shinji on his un-injured leg. With that out of the way Asuka quickly gobbled up what was left on her plate and went on her merry way to school, leaving Shinji with the washing up, a hungry Pen Pen and an aching body. If he thought his day was bad now, he couldn't wait to see what school was going to be like. That is, if he ever got there…
Somewhere in the depths of Nerv's Eva research labs of d00m…
"Maya!" yelled one Dr Akagi. " Send word to the men in black suites division! We need to get the pilots in for some…" She let out a heart warming loving sigh as she hugged her laptop computer lovingly. "… Tests!"
"Yes Ma'm" Replied a very groggy, tired looking Maya Ibuki leaving her wonderful boss skipping about the lab with a song in her heart. Today was indeed going to be a bad day.
(A/N: Hehehe. Okay, not very original start, but hell it's a start. If you have any comments you would like to put forward about this fic, good or bad, please feel free to use the little box at the bottom of this page. But for now I just hoped you enjoyed the beginning of this silly little fic and don't worry, Rei will make an appearance. She r0x0rs my s0x0rs don't you know. So be happy and review me! PIES!)