Disclaimer: All characters that are written about in this fix are NOT, I repeat, NOT mine. Which is a real shame coz I could have probably made the whole Eva series a lil' less mind warping. *shrugs* Still, never mind. I don't own anything… I'm poor. SO DON'T SUE! Danke Schon… Wark.
(A/N: Okay, my warped mind is at it again, another chapter born out of sheer boredom and the desperate need for some sort of relaxation before my Philosophy of Religion re-sit tomorrow. So if you see something remotely on the lines of why God exists and so forth… blame the philosophical hamster of d00m AKA my philosophy teacher. *ahem* any way, now onto the main event! Cue funky Eva theme tune!)
Nothing Eva Goes Their Way… By The Redundant Goddess…Lessons Are Non-Existent/ Awaiting The Chosen
After a painfully/-excruciating walk to school, Shinji Ikari had just managed to hobble in just before the bell rang. Not that anyone, including their doddery, old teacher, would have given a toss, but the thought of having to explain why he was late to Super Class-Rep Girl Hikari made Shinji's Asuka related injuries hurt even more. The thought of Asuka finding out he was late any way made him want to give up and die any way. Luckily only one of the two teenage girls actually seemed to be in the room and gave the pained pilot of unit 01. The other was presumably making out with her jock boyfriend somewhere on campus. Not that Shinji wanted to know that, but still.
Yet, he did spy one other stooge, Kensuke Aida, who was a total geek solider boy who liked to play Mr Big Movie Director when ever possible. In fact he was having one of those moments right at that very moment as he aimed his camera at the ever-reclusive Rei Ayanami. (A/N: HURRAH!)
Although Rei was the third version of a whole bunch of Rei's created by Shinji's rather unhinged father, which in turn lead to a lack of social skills and basic human emotion, Over the past two years the young albino had developed into a more normal girl, whatever normal means for a garnet eyed clone. She had even managed to knock Asuka in her place a couple of times. Still, whenever Shinji thought of her he couldn't help but shudder at what he knew of her. It's not nice knowing that she is one of a long line genetic clones of my mother, which pretty much all of them got murdered by Dr Akagi right in front of my eyes. And people wonder why I am so messed up?
Another bell rang out in the classroom snapping Shinji out of his ever disturbing, yet non hentai-ish, thoughts. Without the bossy Hikari nobody bothered to stand up when their teacher walked in, not that their usual teacher would notice any way. However the person that had just walked in wasn't their usual teacher. He was younger. In fact He was a She, wearing a rather smart suit not leaving much to the imagination and her long white hair rapped in a bun at the top of her head.
"Good morning class." She smiled warmly at the obviously stunned class. " I am sorry your usual teacher couldn't be here, something to do with Repo men. Any way I am your Sub, Miss Orikio."
"Hi-I-I Miss Orikio." The class managed to cough up, the shock still taking its toll. Mainly on the male population, who couldn't believe such a nice looking woman had just waltzed into their classroom and announced she was their Sub. Needless to say Kensuke was definitely getting a lot of footage of the new woman to show Touji on what he had missed during his long absence with his " Girlfriend".
The sub gave a small chuckle.
"Now, it's nice to see so many people here. I guess your class must be really boring ne?"
The room gave a small collective nervous laugh, with the exception of Asuka, who for some reason was giving the Sub serve evils.
"Well, that's alright, since I have it on the knowledge that your usual teacher will not be joining you again till tomorrow afternoon at the earliest. I have decided that for this day and this day only you shall experience total educational freedom."
"HUH?" A massive cry escaped from every wide-eyed single 16 year old in the room, with Rei being the most enthusiastic, which surprised a lot of people.
But Miss Orikio just gave a small sigh and a quick roll of her blue eyes.
"I mean you can do whatever you want! As long as you hand it in tomorrow before your teacher gets back. We'll make a presentation out of it."
A Mass of noise, cheers cries erupted from the small usually dull classroom. The student's hearts nearly leapt out of their rib cage. Hope soared, swooped and triple looped in everyone's tummies. Kensuke, whilst filming of course, jumped up and down with joy. While Rei, over come with emotion, smiled. Her garnet eyes sparkling with joy. An emotion rarely ever seen in an Eva pilot's life. Even Asuka gave Shinji a happy grin before jumping up on her desk and screaming at the top of her lungs:
" DANKE SCHON MEIN GOTT IN HEAVEN! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
For Shinji, this was a very good and happy thing. Although school was a safe haven from cooking, cleaning, Eva's and possibly Asuka's. It sure was damned boring. So with the coming of this new and glorious teacher Shinji could finally do what he wanted. He wasn't sure what it was exactly, but by George! It certainly made up for the shit morning he had so far, why in a mood like this he could have even possibly forgiven Asuka for being such an insane sadomasochistic bitch that morning.
Yet like all good things, especially when it came to those children hand picked to pilot Eva's. Good things never seemed to last very long. Say… a minute long. For as soon as Shinji got up from his desk and started to dance and celebrate with everyone else two men in black suites entered the room. Both wearing Nerv Badges and matching Nerv sunglasses, for that extra "Hired Goon" effect.
"Ahem"
The brown haired one coughed hoping someone might take notice of their presence. Of course that didn't happen. So the Blonde haired one pulled out his Nerv Issue hand gun and fired of a couple of rounds. The room fell into a deadly silence. All eyes were fixed on the two suites including Miss Orikio's. It had obviously worked.
"Thank you Dave." Sighed the brown haired MIB.
"Your Welcome Barry." Grinned the Blonde as he put away his beloved handgun.
"Ahem." Coughed Miss Orikio. " May I ask what you are doing here before you start opening fire again?"
The man in black known as Barry gave an embraced and apologetic look towards the substitute teacher.
"Yes sorry about that Miss, Dave does like to whip out his gun. A lot. Oh Hey Rei!" He waved to the smiling Albino who just replied in her usual soft voice.
"Hello Barry. Hello Dave."
"Yo!" Smiled Dave.
"Well any way." Barry continued trying to regain his composure as a rough tough hired muscle man. " We have come to retrieve the first, second and third child for important tests by order of Commander Katsurgai and Dr Akagi. Well mainly Dr Akagi actually."
Miss Oriko looked a bit confused.
"First, third second children? Tests? What do you mean by that?"
"Dude!" Dave chirped happily. " Rei Ayanami, Asuka Langley… yeah what ever and Shinji Ikari are the chosen pilots of the Evangelions Lady! They are very important kids ya know. And like Dr Peroxide needs them for some secret tests. Or summat like that I can't remember."
All three pilots looked at their teacher in total shock, well for Rei it was more of a "Oh, damn." Look. While Shinji and Asuka went for the full. " DEAR GOD NO! NOT TODAY!" Look. However the sub didn't exactly read the expressions correctly and thus decided to say the following.
"Well, if you are that important I guess I had better let you go. I guess you'll have more fun any way. Sure sounds exciting going for special tests."
"ARE YOU KIDDING LADY?" Screamed Asuka, who looked like she was going to die of a heart attack right there and then.
"I have to agree with pilot 02 on the matter of Tests being exciting." Said Rei in her usual monotone voice only with a bit more feeling. Obviously not wanting to go any where near Nerv that day.
"But.., but… but…" Was all a wide-eyed third child could mutter. His perfect school day, no, life! Was now being ruined by, yet again, the work of his damned father. WHY ME? This would be a really good time to run away…
" I DON'T WANNA GO!" pilot 02 continued to wail as Dave and Barry prepared to drag the young German girl all the way to Nerv headquarters. "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
As Rei and Shinji made their way to the door in death march fashion, the young Mr Adia's ears picked up.
"HEY! If Asuka doesn't want to get dragged away by two cool MIB's to do tests on piloting an Eva, I'LL DO IT!" He cried hopefully.
However Dave and Barry just chuckled.
"Sorry Adia! You know we'd love to drag you away with us, but you're not a pilot!" Cried Dave over the racket and fuss the red devil was making.
Kensuke fell back in his seat and pouted, looking very much like a wounded Donald duck.
"Geez, rub it in why don't ya."
It was quite a time before the two hired suits managed to get a good grip on the high-strung German girl. But some how they managed to do it and with one flying quick from Asuka…
CRACK!
…That connected with Shinji's head,
"OWW!"
"THAT'S FOR YOUR BAKA FATHER CREATING THE STUPID EVA'S SCHISE KOPF!"
The three pilots of Eva left the building, but soon afterwards a couple of teens bust into the room looking very messy, with shirts un tucked and faces reddened with sinful guilt.
"Sorry we're late." Squeaked Hikari, trying to avoid the eye popping glances she and her "Boy Friend" Were getting. But luckily, Touji finished for her.
"Did we miss anything?"
Meanwhile In Dr Akagi' Lab Of All Things Complicated…"Have the children been summoned Maya?"
Miss Ibuki sighed as she dropped down into her seat, looking and feeling like death warmed up.
"Yes ma'm. They are on their way as we speak."
Ristuko rubbed her hands with glee and took another sip of extra strength Nerv coffee.
"Excellent. Soon my most important test to date will be under way an then… then we shall know."
And right then and there the bleach blonde moley type woman started to cackle and laugh in the most evil manner it would have made the GREAT Gendo Ikrai shake in his little Nerv regulation boots.
"Ma'm" Groaned the tired lad technician. " You should really lay off the coffee for a bit."
(A/N: Okay, I have now completed my exam, I did this chapter over 2 days, and the likely hood is I have failed it. Still, it was fun even though it was also as hard as trying to understand the plot in Eva while stoned and drunk. But any way, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next one should be better. We actually get onto the main plot and much more philosophy revision induced insanity to come! Please feel free to review and stuff. Btw Miss Orikio is a made up name by me. So if it does mean anything rude or weird in Japanesse I apologise for it. Any hoo til next time. ENJOY! PIES!)