I'm really sorry it took me so long to get this out, I've been having problems getting it to upload.
Disclaimer: If I owned them… well I don't so it's a moot point.
Thanks so much for all the great feedback. I know the angst is a bit much in the beginning, but that's the way the story came to me, so that's the way it goes. It does get better, but not for a while.
bPart 12
A Month Later/b
"Hey Mac, can I come over to your place tonight so we can work out our strategy on the Phillips case?" Harm asked one Thursday afternoon.
"Sure Harm, 19:30?" Mac replied.
"Yeah, I'll bring the file," he said and walked back to his own office.
Mac sat at her desk considering this for a second. iSomething's up… he hasn't come over to work on a case since he and Jess got engaged. Wonder what it is…/i Pushing those thoughts aside, she went back to work.
b19:30
Georgetown/b
"You're on time," Mac said, surprised. "Are you ready to get started?" she asked, moving to take the file from his hands.
"I didn't come here to talk about the case," he said, throwing the file down on her table. "I have to tell you something… Mac, I'm going to ask for a transfer."
She sat down hard on the couch and stared at him. "Transfer? Why Harm?"
"You know why, Sarah," he replied heavily as he sank into a chair opposite her. "I can't work with you and be emotionally faithful to my wife. Do you know how hard it is for me not to hold you, knowing that you love me as I love you? You are the reason I get up in the morning, when I see you I can't help but smile. As wonderful as that is, it isn't fair to Jess, and I can't stop when I see you everyday."
Mac processed that for a moment and then said, "Let me transfer Harm. Why should it have to be you?"
"Several reasons Mac, not the least of which is that I'm the one who married someone else. Think about it for a moment… if you leave, someone will think it's because you couldn't handle me being married. You know people have always wondered about our relationship. But if I leave, I can say that Jess and I want a new town to start our married life in, that we want everything to be fresh. Plus, you need our friends."
"And you don't?" she retorted.
"Not as much as you do… as painful as it is, I have my wife for support. But if you were to transfer right now because of this, not only would you lose the close support of Bud and Harriet and everyone else, you would never let yourself make close friends again, you'd shut yourself off. I can't let you do that to yourself. No, I have to be the one to leave."
"You know me too well Harm," Mac said with a small smile.
"Of course I do," he said as he stood to leave. "That's what friends are for." Then he grabbed his file and walked out the door.
Mac stayed on the couch for several minutes, running over what he had said. iHe's leaving. Not only that, he's pulling away from me emotionally. Of course I knew that would happen, had to happen… but it still hurts. I didn't expect it to hurt this way!/i
bAdmiral's office
Next Day/b
Admiral Chegwidden peered over his glasses at his senior officer in disbelief. "You want to transfer? May I ask why?" he asked stridently.
"Yes Sir," Harm replied. "Jess and I have both lived in D.C. for several years, we thought it would be nice to start our married life in a new place."
"I don't suppose this has anything to do with the opening in the San Diego office?" AJ asked dryly.
"No Sir, I wasn't aware of that," Harm answered, surprised.
"Hm. Well, I was just getting ready to go through some files, but if you can be ready to leave in two weeks, the position is yours."
"Thank you Sir!" Harm came to attention, saluted and left.
As he passed Mac's office, he caught her eye and stepped in the doorway. "I'm transferring to San Diego, we leave in two weeks," he said with a hint of excitement.
"That's great Harm, I know you miss being close to your mom," she replied, trying to throw a touch of enthusiasm into her response.
"Yeah, it'll be great, being able to see her more often." His eyes got a far off look and Mac had to smile.
"Ok Flyboy, you told me your good news now get out of here so I can get some work done!"
"Yes Ma'am!" Harm said and returned to his own office.
Mac sat at her computer thinking about her plan. Yes, this would definitely be a good time. Standing up, she walked over to the Admiral's door and knocked. "Enter," he said gruffly. She walked in, standing at attention until he said, "At ease."
"Sir, Commander Rabb just informed me that he'll be transferring. I'm assuming this means we'll be shorthanded for a few weeks until you find a suitable replacement?"
"Yes Colonel?"
"In light of that fact Sir, I would like to request leave time beginning Monday. I could be back the following week to help pick up the slack as he clears up his paperwork and leaves, and I would be in much better condition to do so."
Chegwidden considered her for a moment. "You seem to have thought this out pretty well Mac, can I assume you knew he would be leaving before I did?"
"We did discuss it last night Sir, yes. It occurred to me at the time that this might be my last chance for a break in some time."
"Well, you're right about that. Request for leave granted. We'll see you next Monday."
"Aye Sir," Mac said and saluted. Walking to Harm's office, she tapped on the door and stepped inside. "Just wanted to let you know, I'm going on leave next week before you leave us shorthanded."
"Where are you going?" he asked, not at all surprised by this.
She shrugged and replied, "Not sure yet. I may just go where the road takes me."
"Mac, I don't like the idea of you being completely out of touch like that."
"Worried about me Harm?" she asked with a smile. "Don't worry, I'll take my cell with me. If you're really lucky, I might call when I reach my destination, but don't count on it." With that she closed the door and walked back to her office to finish up some paperwork before she left.
bSaturday afternoon/b
Mac got out of the car and stretched, contemplating the white house in front of her. iDo I know what I'm doing?/i she suddenly asked herself. She was about to climb back into her car and drive away when the front door opened and an older lady walked down the front walk to greet her.
"Hello Sarah," she stated simply as she assessed the young woman before her.
"Hello Mrs. Rabb, it's nice to meet you," Mac replied nervously.
Finishing her assessment, she apparently liked what she saw for she smiled and said, "Call me Gram dear," ushering Mac into the house.
Once they'd settled on the couch with a cup of tea, Gram started asking her questions. "Sarah, how long have you and Harm been partners?"
"Six and a half years, why?"
"I was just thinking that in all that time we've never met, I didn't even get to talk with you at the wedding. What made you decide to come here today?"
"Well…" Mac thought fast. iI'm not sure I should tell her I'm in love with her grandson who happens to be married to another woman… I think I can keep my answer vague enough./i "There's been a lot going on in my life recently, and I knew this would be my last chance for leave for the next little bit since Harm's transferring…"
"Harm's transferring?" Gram cut in.
"Oh, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have told you that… I just assumed he'd already mentioned it, although it just went through yesterday," Mac started babbling in embarrassment.
"It's ok Sarah, I'm sure he'll call to give me the details. Anyway, Harm's leaving so you took your vacation now… that doesn't answer why you came here," she persisted.
"Because I needed someone to talk to and Harm always speaks so highly of you… I don't really have anyone in my family I can go to," Mac said honestly.
For a long moment, the older Sarah looked at Mac with an unreadable expression, and then she smiled softly. "How long have you been in love with my grandson, Sarah?" she asked quietly.
Mac looked up, startled, and suddenly started to cry. "I don't know!" she admitted between sobs.
Gram pulled her into her arms for a gramma-hug, holding her while she let the tears flow. "Shh, it'll be ok, calm down Sarah," she whispered in her ear. After a few minutes, Mac regained her composure and straightened up. Smiling at her, Gram asked, "Now are you ready to talk?"
Mac nodded and pulled the letter out of her purse. "Of course you know that Harm just got married, and I'm sure you can imagine how I've felt these last 8 months or so… but the Monday after the wedding, this was on my desk when I got to work." Handing Gram the letter, she waited for her reaction.
Gram read it silently, and then sighed. "I never thought my grandson was such a doofus," she commented, causing Mac to laugh. "Well I didn't! So I take it this is the reason behind the transfer?" she asked.
"Yeah," Mac sighed. "He wants to put distance between us so we won't get in the way of his marriage."
"And he's doing the right thing."
"I know Gram, it's just…"
"You want to know how to let him go without forgetting him, how to hold onto the memories without holding onto him," Gram finished for her.
"Exactly! Can you tell me what to do?" she begged.
"First, you will leave this letter with me. I can tell by the creases and tear marks that you've read it over and over. I'm sure you have it memorized by now… let his declaration become a memory rather than something you re-live everyday."
Mac hesitated. "May I just read it one last time?"
"Of course dear," Gram replied and handed back to her.
Gently, almost reverently Mac unfolded the paper. Gram was right, it was getting worn and creased from repeated readings, and Sarah didn't want to tear it. As she read, the older woman watched the sweet smile that spread across her face as she said her favorite parts silently. When she was finished, she carefully folded it back up and placed it in the envelope. Handing it to Gram, she asked, "What will you do with it?"
"For now, I'll put it in a safe place. If there's ever a time when it seems like it should be brought back out, I'll return it to you. Now you're tired and hungry, let's make some supper."
The rest of the week was peaceful, a time for Mac to simply relax away from the pain and stress of her daily life. She and Gram took long walks around the farm and talked about everything, not just Harm and how he'd had his head up his rear for almost seven years.
iI'm so glad I came,/i Mac thought to herself as she prepared to go home Sunday afternoon. iIt's been nice to have someone to talk to, someone to trust./i Standing by the car, she gave Gram a hug and said, "Thanks for everything… can I come back sometime?"
"Anytime, Sarah. You're always welcome here. Now tell that grandson of mine to call me!"
bMonday morning /b
Harm leaned against her open door and grinned at her. "Have a nice break Marine?" he asked.
"Yeah, I did. How was your week?"
"Paperwork," he grimaced. "So where'd you go?"
"Grandma Sarah's," she replied.
His brows rose in surprise. "My Grandma Sarah?" he questioned.
"Yep. She's quite the woman Harm, you're lucky. Now if we don't get going, we'll be late for staff call."
b1 week later/b
The entire JAG staff had turned out to see Harm and Jess off. As they said their goodbyes, Mac hung back, not certain of what to say. Eventually, Harm made his way over to her. After a moment of simply looking at each other, he pulled her into his arms for a hug. "Take care of yourself Marine," he whispered hoarsely.
"You too Sailor. Remember I won't be there to watch your six, so be careful," she replied.
He smiled slightly at that and pulled away. "Good bye Mac, I'm going to miss you."
"Good bye Harm… I'll see you later." She allowed him to wipe away the lone tear tracking down her face and then turned around and left.
bPart 13/b
The first letter came a week later, postmarked four days after they had left. Sitting down on the couch, Mac began to read.
"Dear Mac,
Can you believe I'm writing this at 04:00? We pulled in yesterday, and I can't sleep. The drive out went smoothly, if you don't count the speeding ticket I got trying to get out of Nevada. The next few weeks are going to be crazy, between getting everything put away at home and settling into my new job.
I promised myself I wasn't going to do this, but I can't help myself… I miss you Sarah. Part of me hates myself for writing that because I know it will hurt to hear, but I have to tell you. I'm going to go now before I get too emotional… talk to you later.
Harm"
Sighing, Mac set the letter down. iYeah, it does hurt to hear, but it feels nice too… It's nice to be missed. I can let it slide this time,/i she rationalized and began writing her reply.
"Dear Harm,
I got your letter today. Did you really write that at 04:00? I can't believe you were up that early, especially after a cross country drive. I'm glad you and Jess made it safely, and I have to admit the ticket doesn't surprise me. Our new person isn't here yet, so I've been trying to do the work of two people. The Admiral has decided to leave me without a partner so whoever comes in will be put with either Bud or Singer.
Well, I guess that's all on this end. Write back soon Harm, it's good to hear from you.
Mac"
When Harm finally got her letter 10 days later (courtesy Snail Mail), he smiled inwardly at the last line. iThat's Mac… never come right out and say "I miss you," just ask to you to keep in touch./i Sitting down with a pen and paper he began to write.
"Dear Mac,
Just got your letter today; what's that come out to, three cents a day? Anyway, I have to say I hope he partners the new person with Bud because I wouldn't wish Singer on my worst enemy. (Although it would be interesting to see what Palmer would do to her…)
Jess found a job yesterday so she's happy. I love my new job and being here close to Mom. I'm hoping Frank and I will become closer too.
I'd better get going, keep in touch Marine.
Harm"
His letter arrived promptly, but Mac didn't have a chance to reply for two weeks. When she finally did, it was quick and harried.
Dear Harm,
I'm sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, but work has been hellish for the last week and a half. We finally got your replacement, and if you met him I think you'd recant your position on Singer. The man is twice as bad as her… actually, he reminds me of a combination of all the things we hate about her and Webb, plus a little of Palmer's craftiness thrown in for good measure. Somedays I swear he's the devil incarnate. Luckily, I don't have much contact with him… Lucky for him that is! I'm not sure he'll last much past the new year, even the Admiral seems to be getting tired of him.
Anyway, I don't have much time to talk, take care!
Mac"
Mac didn't hear anything from Harm for two weeks and then one day her phone rang…
bOctober 31, 2003/b
"Lt. Col. Mackenzie," she answered absently as she sifted through the mail.
"Sarah! I'm so glad you're home, you're never going to believe what I have to tell you," Harm's excited voice came over the wire.
"Well I'll never have a chance unless you tell me," she replied drolly.
"Funny Marine. I have the most amazing news… Jess is pregnant! I'm going to be a father!"
"Harm, that's great! When is she due?"
"June 15th, she's about 6 weeks along. Hey, I have to get off the phone, Jess still hasn't told all her family. I just had to let you know."
"Ok Harm, take care."
"You too Mac, good bye."
In a daze, Mac gently replaced the handset in the cradle. iThey're having a baby… Harm is going to be a father, I know how much that's always meant to him. I can't believe I managed to sound excited for them, or that I even am a little bit. It still hurts though… time to take a little trip./i
Pulling out her overnight bag, she packed hurriedly and left her apartment. The drive went quickly, and in no time she was pulling up to the farm. Gram had the front door open and was down the walk before Mac even got out of her car. "I've been expecting you dear, supper is ready," she said and gave her a hug.
After a quiet supper, Gram made two cups of tea and guided Mac into the living room. "Are you ready to talk Sarah?" she asked gently.
"I don't think so Gram, do you mind if I go to bed here in a minute?" Sarah replied wearily.
"Of course. We don't need to talk at all if you don't want to, we can be silent the whole weekend. Whatever you need, you'll get," Gram promised and sent Mac up to bed.
The next morning Mac was up at dawn. As the first rays of light began to peek over the hills, she got dressed and went out for a walk, thinking about what she wanted to say. When the sunrise was in full glory, she began the trek back to the house, not at peace but at least more sure of herself.
Not surprisingly, Gram had breakfast ready for her when she returned. Taking off her jacket, Mac sat down at the table, ready to talk.
"Gram, did Harm ever tell you what happened the day our godson was born?" she asked without preamble.
"Let's see… was he the one who was born in the Admiral's office?" Gram asked, wondering where this was going.
"Yes, but that's not the part I was referring to. That spring was one of the hardest of my life. My estranged father died, I saw my mother again for the first time in over 15 years, my little sister Chloe was leaving to live with her family, and I'd just found out Harm was seriously considering returning to carrier duty. Then on top of that, one of my best friends had just had a baby, something I've wanted for a long time.
"I suppose Harm could tell I was upset, because he tried to tell me that it was all going to be ok. And then he promised me that if neither of us was in a relationship in five years, we'd have a baby together." Sarah stopped and looked up a Gram, gauging her reaction.
Gram sighed inwardly. iMen can be so dense,/i she thought to herself before replying carefully. "Surely you knew that would never happen now Sarah. What else is bothering you?"
"This spring AJ will celebrate his 5th birthday," she answered simply.
"And it feels like Harm is fulfilling his promise, but with someone else," Gram realized and saw Mac nod slightly. "Ok, but I know there's something more than just the coincidental timing that brought you here. What are you afraid of?" she persisted.
Mac looked away and said softly, "I'm afraid that he'll forget me."
"Look at me Sarah," Gram quietly ordered. When she had her full attention, she continued on. "Harm will never forget you, he's promised you that, but your relationship will change. He has a wife now and soon they'll have a baby, and that will take first place in his life, as it should. But you can be assured that the memory of you will always be in his heart."
"How Gram? How can I be certain?" Mac asked.
"Because you know him Sarah. He promised you he would never forget you, and Harm does not make promises he won't keep. Yes, things have changed since then and he will be keeping it in a different way than he thought at first, but the feelings he has for you are part of what makes him who he is. You can be sure of that."
Mac didn't have anything to say to that, and the two ladies were quiet for the rest of breakfast. The rest of the weekend she simply relaxed, telling Gram funny stories about work and "Lt. Killer" as the staff had nicknamed the new guy for his constant drive for the jugular. Sunday afternoon she drove back home, ready to face another week of work and whatever life threw her way.
b2 Months Later/b
After yet another long day of work, Mac sat down to write Harm a letter. iOur letters have gotten a lot fewer and farther between,/i she mused as she pulled out a piece of paper.
"Dear Harm,
I'm sorry I haven't written you since Christmas, but as I recall, I haven't heard from you since before that. How's life treating you? Are Jess and the baby doing ok? Of course they are, stupid question. I know you would have told me otherwise. Hey, are you going to find out what it is, or do you want to be surprised?
Well, I was right on the money, the Admiral announced that the jerk was being transferred. Too bad there wasn't an office pool, the extra cash would have been nice. Of course this means we'll be short handed again, so hello work, good bye life. Not that I have much of a life, I babysit AJ and have dinner with Bud and Harriet, that's about it. Oh well, it's enough for me.
I guess I'd better be going. I have one last free weekend, and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. Talk to you later.
Mac"
"Dear Sarah,
It was good to hear from you, as always. I'm sorry it's been so long, life just keeps getting more hectic! Of course, I've been looking at this letter meaning to reply everyday for the last three weeks, but somehow I just never got around to it.
Let's see… Christmas was great. I missed my visit to the Wall, but it was good to spend it with Mom and Frank. I know Frank and I will never have a perfect relationship, but after the last five months I think I can say we're finally friends. It's a good feeling.
It doesn't surprise me to hear you were right about the new guy… you always did have a great sense of timing. I'm glad he's gone too—sounded like he was a royal pain in the butt. On the other hand, at least you had another person pulling the weight around there. I know what you mean about being short handed, we just lost someone this last week and everyone's been doing double time to make up for it.
Yes, Jess and the baby are doing great, and yes we're going to find about if it's a boy or a girl. We have some names picked out already, after we find out I'll tell you the name.
Well, that's about it around here. Right back soon! (Although I don't promise I will…)
Harm"
Mac smiled as she read that last line. iOf course not Harm, you always were late…/i she thought before writing out her reply.
Dear Harm,
Well, it seems we've both maintained our usual sense of timing. I'm always right, and you're always behind. Just kidding…
It hasn't actually been that bad since he left. I think the improvement in atmosphere has encouraged everyone to kick it up a little, so the workload is still pretty even.
I'm looking forward to hearing the baby's name. Harm, have I told you how special it is to watch (well read) you get so excited about being a father? I'm glad you're so happy.
Talk to you later,
Mac"
Harm's next letter didn't come until mid-March, and it was full of good news.
"Dear Sarah,
We're having a girl! I know everyone probably thought I'd want a son so I could name him Harmon III, but deep in my heart I was hoping for a daughter I could spoil… a daddy's girl. Elizabeth Grace is still due on June 15th, although the doctor is now saying she could come a week before then… and even that is an estimate of course.
I have to go now, but I just wanted you to know!
Harm"
A few weeks after mailing the letter, Harm received a card postmarked from Rosslyn. Opening it up, he found read, "Come celebrate AJ's 5th birthday with us!" Dropping it as if it were on fire, his mind began to race. iFive years from this moment, if neither of us is in a relationship…/i Without thinking, he picked up the phone and dialed.
"Lt. Col. Mackenzie," she answered clearly.
"Hello Sarah," he said quietly.
"Harm… is anything wrong, you sound funny?"
"No, nothing's wrong, just been a long day," he lied.
"So what's up?" she asked.
"I just got AJ's birthday invitation today, and I was hoping you'd tell him I'm sorry I'll miss it."
Mac's stomach clenched when she heard that. iHe remembered,/i she realized. iGram, how do I handle this?/i Then she heard herself say, "Of course I will Harm… and I'm sure he'll be glad you remembered. You'd better call him yourself though," she warned, surprised at how calm her voice sounded.
"Yeah, of course… well, that was all I wanted to say. Bye Mac, talk to you later," he said and hung up.
Mac stared at the phone for a moment before making a sudden decision. Dialing a now familiar number, she called Gram. "Hello Gram, it's Sarah," she said when the older lady picked up.
"Well hello Sarah, how are you?"
"I'm fine Gram… I just talked to Harm. He remembers our deal. What should I do?"
"What did he say to you?"
"Nothing really, just wanted me to let AJ know that he didn't forget his birthday, and that he's sorry he'll miss it… But Gram, that isn't what bothered me the most. He's been calling me Sarah."
"I call you Sarah, does that bother you?"
"No, of course not," Mac replied, slightly embarrassed. "But Harm only calls me Sarah when…" she found suddenly that she didn't have the right words to explain, but it turned out she didn't need to.
"He calls you Sarah when he's thinking about how much he loves you."
"Exactly Gram… I need him to stop, he needs to stop for himself. How can I tell him that without hurting his feelings?"
"You can't Sarah. Tell you what, why don't you come up here this weekend and we'll plan it together. You can even call him from here so I can straighten him if necessary," Gram suggested.
"That'd be great Gram. Today is Tuesday, I'll see you in three days," she said and hung up.
bSaturday morning/b
"So have you thought about how to tell my grandson he can't call you by your first name?" Gram asked after breakfast.
"Yes, I have. I think instead of telling him about what it means for him, I'll focus on what it does to me… that way he'll stop as a way to protect me and he won't feel guilty for doing something he shouldn't. As he gets out of the habit, gradually he'll stop thinking about how much he loves me and start remembering it instead. Does that sound like a good idea?" Mac asked nervously.
"It sounds perfect Sarah. However, it's only 7:00 am in California, so why don't we go into town and do a little shopping to distract us?"
Two hours later the ladies returned to the farm laden with packages. Taking the bags Sarah was holding, Gram gently pushed her toward the phone. "It's time Sarah… call him."
Choosing to use her cell phone instead, Mac hit the speed dial button that dialed Harm's cell. A few seconds later, he picked up and said, "Yes Sarah?" She was startled for a moment, then realized he must have caller id.
"Hey Harm… wait a minute, where are you?" she asked as she heard unfamiliar sounds in the background.
"I'm at the beach outside my parent's place. Jess kicked me out last night," he added chuckling.
"Uh-oh… what did you do to anger your pregnant wife?"
"Nothing major… just commented on how the nice April day didn't feel that hot to me. Apparently, that was not the right opinion to voice. It'll be fine by this evening, although I suspect I'd better get used to my old bedroom since I'll probably be here a lot over the next few months."
Mac laughed at that. "Yeah, telling a pregnant woman it's not hot isn't the wisest move, but I'm sure you'll make worse mistakes. Don't forget this is all your fault," she teased.
"Haha, thanks Mac. Hey, were you calling for a reason, or just to make fun of me?" he asked, pretending to pout.
She took a deep breath. "I have a reason… Harm, I need you to stop calling me Sarah," she requested.
He was silent for a moment and then said, "I thought you liked that."
She could hear the confusion in his voice, and steeled herself to give him the answer he needed to hear. "I do Harm, a little too much. When you call me Sarah, it's just one more reminder that I'm alone. Please stop."
This time he was quiet for so long that she wondered if they'd lost the connection. Finally (2 minutes, 34 seconds) later, he answered in a subdued voice. "Ok Mac, if that's what you want. Ah… I have to go now, talk to you later," he said and hung up.
Disclaimer: If I owned them… well I don't so it's a moot point.
Thanks so much for all the great feedback. I know the angst is a bit much in the beginning, but that's the way the story came to me, so that's the way it goes. It does get better, but not for a while.
bPart 12
A Month Later/b
"Hey Mac, can I come over to your place tonight so we can work out our strategy on the Phillips case?" Harm asked one Thursday afternoon.
"Sure Harm, 19:30?" Mac replied.
"Yeah, I'll bring the file," he said and walked back to his own office.
Mac sat at her desk considering this for a second. iSomething's up… he hasn't come over to work on a case since he and Jess got engaged. Wonder what it is…/i Pushing those thoughts aside, she went back to work.
b19:30
Georgetown/b
"You're on time," Mac said, surprised. "Are you ready to get started?" she asked, moving to take the file from his hands.
"I didn't come here to talk about the case," he said, throwing the file down on her table. "I have to tell you something… Mac, I'm going to ask for a transfer."
She sat down hard on the couch and stared at him. "Transfer? Why Harm?"
"You know why, Sarah," he replied heavily as he sank into a chair opposite her. "I can't work with you and be emotionally faithful to my wife. Do you know how hard it is for me not to hold you, knowing that you love me as I love you? You are the reason I get up in the morning, when I see you I can't help but smile. As wonderful as that is, it isn't fair to Jess, and I can't stop when I see you everyday."
Mac processed that for a moment and then said, "Let me transfer Harm. Why should it have to be you?"
"Several reasons Mac, not the least of which is that I'm the one who married someone else. Think about it for a moment… if you leave, someone will think it's because you couldn't handle me being married. You know people have always wondered about our relationship. But if I leave, I can say that Jess and I want a new town to start our married life in, that we want everything to be fresh. Plus, you need our friends."
"And you don't?" she retorted.
"Not as much as you do… as painful as it is, I have my wife for support. But if you were to transfer right now because of this, not only would you lose the close support of Bud and Harriet and everyone else, you would never let yourself make close friends again, you'd shut yourself off. I can't let you do that to yourself. No, I have to be the one to leave."
"You know me too well Harm," Mac said with a small smile.
"Of course I do," he said as he stood to leave. "That's what friends are for." Then he grabbed his file and walked out the door.
Mac stayed on the couch for several minutes, running over what he had said. iHe's leaving. Not only that, he's pulling away from me emotionally. Of course I knew that would happen, had to happen… but it still hurts. I didn't expect it to hurt this way!/i
bAdmiral's office
Next Day/b
Admiral Chegwidden peered over his glasses at his senior officer in disbelief. "You want to transfer? May I ask why?" he asked stridently.
"Yes Sir," Harm replied. "Jess and I have both lived in D.C. for several years, we thought it would be nice to start our married life in a new place."
"I don't suppose this has anything to do with the opening in the San Diego office?" AJ asked dryly.
"No Sir, I wasn't aware of that," Harm answered, surprised.
"Hm. Well, I was just getting ready to go through some files, but if you can be ready to leave in two weeks, the position is yours."
"Thank you Sir!" Harm came to attention, saluted and left.
As he passed Mac's office, he caught her eye and stepped in the doorway. "I'm transferring to San Diego, we leave in two weeks," he said with a hint of excitement.
"That's great Harm, I know you miss being close to your mom," she replied, trying to throw a touch of enthusiasm into her response.
"Yeah, it'll be great, being able to see her more often." His eyes got a far off look and Mac had to smile.
"Ok Flyboy, you told me your good news now get out of here so I can get some work done!"
"Yes Ma'am!" Harm said and returned to his own office.
Mac sat at her computer thinking about her plan. Yes, this would definitely be a good time. Standing up, she walked over to the Admiral's door and knocked. "Enter," he said gruffly. She walked in, standing at attention until he said, "At ease."
"Sir, Commander Rabb just informed me that he'll be transferring. I'm assuming this means we'll be shorthanded for a few weeks until you find a suitable replacement?"
"Yes Colonel?"
"In light of that fact Sir, I would like to request leave time beginning Monday. I could be back the following week to help pick up the slack as he clears up his paperwork and leaves, and I would be in much better condition to do so."
Chegwidden considered her for a moment. "You seem to have thought this out pretty well Mac, can I assume you knew he would be leaving before I did?"
"We did discuss it last night Sir, yes. It occurred to me at the time that this might be my last chance for a break in some time."
"Well, you're right about that. Request for leave granted. We'll see you next Monday."
"Aye Sir," Mac said and saluted. Walking to Harm's office, she tapped on the door and stepped inside. "Just wanted to let you know, I'm going on leave next week before you leave us shorthanded."
"Where are you going?" he asked, not at all surprised by this.
She shrugged and replied, "Not sure yet. I may just go where the road takes me."
"Mac, I don't like the idea of you being completely out of touch like that."
"Worried about me Harm?" she asked with a smile. "Don't worry, I'll take my cell with me. If you're really lucky, I might call when I reach my destination, but don't count on it." With that she closed the door and walked back to her office to finish up some paperwork before she left.
bSaturday afternoon/b
Mac got out of the car and stretched, contemplating the white house in front of her. iDo I know what I'm doing?/i she suddenly asked herself. She was about to climb back into her car and drive away when the front door opened and an older lady walked down the front walk to greet her.
"Hello Sarah," she stated simply as she assessed the young woman before her.
"Hello Mrs. Rabb, it's nice to meet you," Mac replied nervously.
Finishing her assessment, she apparently liked what she saw for she smiled and said, "Call me Gram dear," ushering Mac into the house.
Once they'd settled on the couch with a cup of tea, Gram started asking her questions. "Sarah, how long have you and Harm been partners?"
"Six and a half years, why?"
"I was just thinking that in all that time we've never met, I didn't even get to talk with you at the wedding. What made you decide to come here today?"
"Well…" Mac thought fast. iI'm not sure I should tell her I'm in love with her grandson who happens to be married to another woman… I think I can keep my answer vague enough./i "There's been a lot going on in my life recently, and I knew this would be my last chance for leave for the next little bit since Harm's transferring…"
"Harm's transferring?" Gram cut in.
"Oh, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have told you that… I just assumed he'd already mentioned it, although it just went through yesterday," Mac started babbling in embarrassment.
"It's ok Sarah, I'm sure he'll call to give me the details. Anyway, Harm's leaving so you took your vacation now… that doesn't answer why you came here," she persisted.
"Because I needed someone to talk to and Harm always speaks so highly of you… I don't really have anyone in my family I can go to," Mac said honestly.
For a long moment, the older Sarah looked at Mac with an unreadable expression, and then she smiled softly. "How long have you been in love with my grandson, Sarah?" she asked quietly.
Mac looked up, startled, and suddenly started to cry. "I don't know!" she admitted between sobs.
Gram pulled her into her arms for a gramma-hug, holding her while she let the tears flow. "Shh, it'll be ok, calm down Sarah," she whispered in her ear. After a few minutes, Mac regained her composure and straightened up. Smiling at her, Gram asked, "Now are you ready to talk?"
Mac nodded and pulled the letter out of her purse. "Of course you know that Harm just got married, and I'm sure you can imagine how I've felt these last 8 months or so… but the Monday after the wedding, this was on my desk when I got to work." Handing Gram the letter, she waited for her reaction.
Gram read it silently, and then sighed. "I never thought my grandson was such a doofus," she commented, causing Mac to laugh. "Well I didn't! So I take it this is the reason behind the transfer?" she asked.
"Yeah," Mac sighed. "He wants to put distance between us so we won't get in the way of his marriage."
"And he's doing the right thing."
"I know Gram, it's just…"
"You want to know how to let him go without forgetting him, how to hold onto the memories without holding onto him," Gram finished for her.
"Exactly! Can you tell me what to do?" she begged.
"First, you will leave this letter with me. I can tell by the creases and tear marks that you've read it over and over. I'm sure you have it memorized by now… let his declaration become a memory rather than something you re-live everyday."
Mac hesitated. "May I just read it one last time?"
"Of course dear," Gram replied and handed back to her.
Gently, almost reverently Mac unfolded the paper. Gram was right, it was getting worn and creased from repeated readings, and Sarah didn't want to tear it. As she read, the older woman watched the sweet smile that spread across her face as she said her favorite parts silently. When she was finished, she carefully folded it back up and placed it in the envelope. Handing it to Gram, she asked, "What will you do with it?"
"For now, I'll put it in a safe place. If there's ever a time when it seems like it should be brought back out, I'll return it to you. Now you're tired and hungry, let's make some supper."
The rest of the week was peaceful, a time for Mac to simply relax away from the pain and stress of her daily life. She and Gram took long walks around the farm and talked about everything, not just Harm and how he'd had his head up his rear for almost seven years.
iI'm so glad I came,/i Mac thought to herself as she prepared to go home Sunday afternoon. iIt's been nice to have someone to talk to, someone to trust./i Standing by the car, she gave Gram a hug and said, "Thanks for everything… can I come back sometime?"
"Anytime, Sarah. You're always welcome here. Now tell that grandson of mine to call me!"
bMonday morning /b
Harm leaned against her open door and grinned at her. "Have a nice break Marine?" he asked.
"Yeah, I did. How was your week?"
"Paperwork," he grimaced. "So where'd you go?"
"Grandma Sarah's," she replied.
His brows rose in surprise. "My Grandma Sarah?" he questioned.
"Yep. She's quite the woman Harm, you're lucky. Now if we don't get going, we'll be late for staff call."
b1 week later/b
The entire JAG staff had turned out to see Harm and Jess off. As they said their goodbyes, Mac hung back, not certain of what to say. Eventually, Harm made his way over to her. After a moment of simply looking at each other, he pulled her into his arms for a hug. "Take care of yourself Marine," he whispered hoarsely.
"You too Sailor. Remember I won't be there to watch your six, so be careful," she replied.
He smiled slightly at that and pulled away. "Good bye Mac, I'm going to miss you."
"Good bye Harm… I'll see you later." She allowed him to wipe away the lone tear tracking down her face and then turned around and left.
bPart 13/b
The first letter came a week later, postmarked four days after they had left. Sitting down on the couch, Mac began to read.
"Dear Mac,
Can you believe I'm writing this at 04:00? We pulled in yesterday, and I can't sleep. The drive out went smoothly, if you don't count the speeding ticket I got trying to get out of Nevada. The next few weeks are going to be crazy, between getting everything put away at home and settling into my new job.
I promised myself I wasn't going to do this, but I can't help myself… I miss you Sarah. Part of me hates myself for writing that because I know it will hurt to hear, but I have to tell you. I'm going to go now before I get too emotional… talk to you later.
Harm"
Sighing, Mac set the letter down. iYeah, it does hurt to hear, but it feels nice too… It's nice to be missed. I can let it slide this time,/i she rationalized and began writing her reply.
"Dear Harm,
I got your letter today. Did you really write that at 04:00? I can't believe you were up that early, especially after a cross country drive. I'm glad you and Jess made it safely, and I have to admit the ticket doesn't surprise me. Our new person isn't here yet, so I've been trying to do the work of two people. The Admiral has decided to leave me without a partner so whoever comes in will be put with either Bud or Singer.
Well, I guess that's all on this end. Write back soon Harm, it's good to hear from you.
Mac"
When Harm finally got her letter 10 days later (courtesy Snail Mail), he smiled inwardly at the last line. iThat's Mac… never come right out and say "I miss you," just ask to you to keep in touch./i Sitting down with a pen and paper he began to write.
"Dear Mac,
Just got your letter today; what's that come out to, three cents a day? Anyway, I have to say I hope he partners the new person with Bud because I wouldn't wish Singer on my worst enemy. (Although it would be interesting to see what Palmer would do to her…)
Jess found a job yesterday so she's happy. I love my new job and being here close to Mom. I'm hoping Frank and I will become closer too.
I'd better get going, keep in touch Marine.
Harm"
His letter arrived promptly, but Mac didn't have a chance to reply for two weeks. When she finally did, it was quick and harried.
Dear Harm,
I'm sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, but work has been hellish for the last week and a half. We finally got your replacement, and if you met him I think you'd recant your position on Singer. The man is twice as bad as her… actually, he reminds me of a combination of all the things we hate about her and Webb, plus a little of Palmer's craftiness thrown in for good measure. Somedays I swear he's the devil incarnate. Luckily, I don't have much contact with him… Lucky for him that is! I'm not sure he'll last much past the new year, even the Admiral seems to be getting tired of him.
Anyway, I don't have much time to talk, take care!
Mac"
Mac didn't hear anything from Harm for two weeks and then one day her phone rang…
bOctober 31, 2003/b
"Lt. Col. Mackenzie," she answered absently as she sifted through the mail.
"Sarah! I'm so glad you're home, you're never going to believe what I have to tell you," Harm's excited voice came over the wire.
"Well I'll never have a chance unless you tell me," she replied drolly.
"Funny Marine. I have the most amazing news… Jess is pregnant! I'm going to be a father!"
"Harm, that's great! When is she due?"
"June 15th, she's about 6 weeks along. Hey, I have to get off the phone, Jess still hasn't told all her family. I just had to let you know."
"Ok Harm, take care."
"You too Mac, good bye."
In a daze, Mac gently replaced the handset in the cradle. iThey're having a baby… Harm is going to be a father, I know how much that's always meant to him. I can't believe I managed to sound excited for them, or that I even am a little bit. It still hurts though… time to take a little trip./i
Pulling out her overnight bag, she packed hurriedly and left her apartment. The drive went quickly, and in no time she was pulling up to the farm. Gram had the front door open and was down the walk before Mac even got out of her car. "I've been expecting you dear, supper is ready," she said and gave her a hug.
After a quiet supper, Gram made two cups of tea and guided Mac into the living room. "Are you ready to talk Sarah?" she asked gently.
"I don't think so Gram, do you mind if I go to bed here in a minute?" Sarah replied wearily.
"Of course. We don't need to talk at all if you don't want to, we can be silent the whole weekend. Whatever you need, you'll get," Gram promised and sent Mac up to bed.
The next morning Mac was up at dawn. As the first rays of light began to peek over the hills, she got dressed and went out for a walk, thinking about what she wanted to say. When the sunrise was in full glory, she began the trek back to the house, not at peace but at least more sure of herself.
Not surprisingly, Gram had breakfast ready for her when she returned. Taking off her jacket, Mac sat down at the table, ready to talk.
"Gram, did Harm ever tell you what happened the day our godson was born?" she asked without preamble.
"Let's see… was he the one who was born in the Admiral's office?" Gram asked, wondering where this was going.
"Yes, but that's not the part I was referring to. That spring was one of the hardest of my life. My estranged father died, I saw my mother again for the first time in over 15 years, my little sister Chloe was leaving to live with her family, and I'd just found out Harm was seriously considering returning to carrier duty. Then on top of that, one of my best friends had just had a baby, something I've wanted for a long time.
"I suppose Harm could tell I was upset, because he tried to tell me that it was all going to be ok. And then he promised me that if neither of us was in a relationship in five years, we'd have a baby together." Sarah stopped and looked up a Gram, gauging her reaction.
Gram sighed inwardly. iMen can be so dense,/i she thought to herself before replying carefully. "Surely you knew that would never happen now Sarah. What else is bothering you?"
"This spring AJ will celebrate his 5th birthday," she answered simply.
"And it feels like Harm is fulfilling his promise, but with someone else," Gram realized and saw Mac nod slightly. "Ok, but I know there's something more than just the coincidental timing that brought you here. What are you afraid of?" she persisted.
Mac looked away and said softly, "I'm afraid that he'll forget me."
"Look at me Sarah," Gram quietly ordered. When she had her full attention, she continued on. "Harm will never forget you, he's promised you that, but your relationship will change. He has a wife now and soon they'll have a baby, and that will take first place in his life, as it should. But you can be assured that the memory of you will always be in his heart."
"How Gram? How can I be certain?" Mac asked.
"Because you know him Sarah. He promised you he would never forget you, and Harm does not make promises he won't keep. Yes, things have changed since then and he will be keeping it in a different way than he thought at first, but the feelings he has for you are part of what makes him who he is. You can be sure of that."
Mac didn't have anything to say to that, and the two ladies were quiet for the rest of breakfast. The rest of the weekend she simply relaxed, telling Gram funny stories about work and "Lt. Killer" as the staff had nicknamed the new guy for his constant drive for the jugular. Sunday afternoon she drove back home, ready to face another week of work and whatever life threw her way.
b2 Months Later/b
After yet another long day of work, Mac sat down to write Harm a letter. iOur letters have gotten a lot fewer and farther between,/i she mused as she pulled out a piece of paper.
"Dear Harm,
I'm sorry I haven't written you since Christmas, but as I recall, I haven't heard from you since before that. How's life treating you? Are Jess and the baby doing ok? Of course they are, stupid question. I know you would have told me otherwise. Hey, are you going to find out what it is, or do you want to be surprised?
Well, I was right on the money, the Admiral announced that the jerk was being transferred. Too bad there wasn't an office pool, the extra cash would have been nice. Of course this means we'll be short handed again, so hello work, good bye life. Not that I have much of a life, I babysit AJ and have dinner with Bud and Harriet, that's about it. Oh well, it's enough for me.
I guess I'd better be going. I have one last free weekend, and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. Talk to you later.
Mac"
"Dear Sarah,
It was good to hear from you, as always. I'm sorry it's been so long, life just keeps getting more hectic! Of course, I've been looking at this letter meaning to reply everyday for the last three weeks, but somehow I just never got around to it.
Let's see… Christmas was great. I missed my visit to the Wall, but it was good to spend it with Mom and Frank. I know Frank and I will never have a perfect relationship, but after the last five months I think I can say we're finally friends. It's a good feeling.
It doesn't surprise me to hear you were right about the new guy… you always did have a great sense of timing. I'm glad he's gone too—sounded like he was a royal pain in the butt. On the other hand, at least you had another person pulling the weight around there. I know what you mean about being short handed, we just lost someone this last week and everyone's been doing double time to make up for it.
Yes, Jess and the baby are doing great, and yes we're going to find about if it's a boy or a girl. We have some names picked out already, after we find out I'll tell you the name.
Well, that's about it around here. Right back soon! (Although I don't promise I will…)
Harm"
Mac smiled as she read that last line. iOf course not Harm, you always were late…/i she thought before writing out her reply.
Dear Harm,
Well, it seems we've both maintained our usual sense of timing. I'm always right, and you're always behind. Just kidding…
It hasn't actually been that bad since he left. I think the improvement in atmosphere has encouraged everyone to kick it up a little, so the workload is still pretty even.
I'm looking forward to hearing the baby's name. Harm, have I told you how special it is to watch (well read) you get so excited about being a father? I'm glad you're so happy.
Talk to you later,
Mac"
Harm's next letter didn't come until mid-March, and it was full of good news.
"Dear Sarah,
We're having a girl! I know everyone probably thought I'd want a son so I could name him Harmon III, but deep in my heart I was hoping for a daughter I could spoil… a daddy's girl. Elizabeth Grace is still due on June 15th, although the doctor is now saying she could come a week before then… and even that is an estimate of course.
I have to go now, but I just wanted you to know!
Harm"
A few weeks after mailing the letter, Harm received a card postmarked from Rosslyn. Opening it up, he found read, "Come celebrate AJ's 5th birthday with us!" Dropping it as if it were on fire, his mind began to race. iFive years from this moment, if neither of us is in a relationship…/i Without thinking, he picked up the phone and dialed.
"Lt. Col. Mackenzie," she answered clearly.
"Hello Sarah," he said quietly.
"Harm… is anything wrong, you sound funny?"
"No, nothing's wrong, just been a long day," he lied.
"So what's up?" she asked.
"I just got AJ's birthday invitation today, and I was hoping you'd tell him I'm sorry I'll miss it."
Mac's stomach clenched when she heard that. iHe remembered,/i she realized. iGram, how do I handle this?/i Then she heard herself say, "Of course I will Harm… and I'm sure he'll be glad you remembered. You'd better call him yourself though," she warned, surprised at how calm her voice sounded.
"Yeah, of course… well, that was all I wanted to say. Bye Mac, talk to you later," he said and hung up.
Mac stared at the phone for a moment before making a sudden decision. Dialing a now familiar number, she called Gram. "Hello Gram, it's Sarah," she said when the older lady picked up.
"Well hello Sarah, how are you?"
"I'm fine Gram… I just talked to Harm. He remembers our deal. What should I do?"
"What did he say to you?"
"Nothing really, just wanted me to let AJ know that he didn't forget his birthday, and that he's sorry he'll miss it… But Gram, that isn't what bothered me the most. He's been calling me Sarah."
"I call you Sarah, does that bother you?"
"No, of course not," Mac replied, slightly embarrassed. "But Harm only calls me Sarah when…" she found suddenly that she didn't have the right words to explain, but it turned out she didn't need to.
"He calls you Sarah when he's thinking about how much he loves you."
"Exactly Gram… I need him to stop, he needs to stop for himself. How can I tell him that without hurting his feelings?"
"You can't Sarah. Tell you what, why don't you come up here this weekend and we'll plan it together. You can even call him from here so I can straighten him if necessary," Gram suggested.
"That'd be great Gram. Today is Tuesday, I'll see you in three days," she said and hung up.
bSaturday morning/b
"So have you thought about how to tell my grandson he can't call you by your first name?" Gram asked after breakfast.
"Yes, I have. I think instead of telling him about what it means for him, I'll focus on what it does to me… that way he'll stop as a way to protect me and he won't feel guilty for doing something he shouldn't. As he gets out of the habit, gradually he'll stop thinking about how much he loves me and start remembering it instead. Does that sound like a good idea?" Mac asked nervously.
"It sounds perfect Sarah. However, it's only 7:00 am in California, so why don't we go into town and do a little shopping to distract us?"
Two hours later the ladies returned to the farm laden with packages. Taking the bags Sarah was holding, Gram gently pushed her toward the phone. "It's time Sarah… call him."
Choosing to use her cell phone instead, Mac hit the speed dial button that dialed Harm's cell. A few seconds later, he picked up and said, "Yes Sarah?" She was startled for a moment, then realized he must have caller id.
"Hey Harm… wait a minute, where are you?" she asked as she heard unfamiliar sounds in the background.
"I'm at the beach outside my parent's place. Jess kicked me out last night," he added chuckling.
"Uh-oh… what did you do to anger your pregnant wife?"
"Nothing major… just commented on how the nice April day didn't feel that hot to me. Apparently, that was not the right opinion to voice. It'll be fine by this evening, although I suspect I'd better get used to my old bedroom since I'll probably be here a lot over the next few months."
Mac laughed at that. "Yeah, telling a pregnant woman it's not hot isn't the wisest move, but I'm sure you'll make worse mistakes. Don't forget this is all your fault," she teased.
"Haha, thanks Mac. Hey, were you calling for a reason, or just to make fun of me?" he asked, pretending to pout.
She took a deep breath. "I have a reason… Harm, I need you to stop calling me Sarah," she requested.
He was silent for a moment and then said, "I thought you liked that."
She could hear the confusion in his voice, and steeled herself to give him the answer he needed to hear. "I do Harm, a little too much. When you call me Sarah, it's just one more reminder that I'm alone. Please stop."
This time he was quiet for so long that she wondered if they'd lost the connection. Finally (2 minutes, 34 seconds) later, he answered in a subdued voice. "Ok Mac, if that's what you want. Ah… I have to go now, talk to you later," he said and hung up.