The Lord Of The Rings:
The undiscovered Fellowship
Author's Note: I should note that I am putting this story up, practically against my will. Most of you will find those story so horrible, so badly done that you will never,ever want to read any Lord of the Rings stories ever again. I only wrote this story in response for a prompt that I got in Fiction/Poetry class- the prompt is as follows:
A woman dressed in a fur coat digs through a trashcan pulling out soda cans
Froli screamed as the ring fell into the pit of torn up papers, and half-eaten hamburgers they called trash. Gandalfina took up her staff and whacked Froli across the head with it.
"Fool of a Baggins!! Next time throw yourself in and rid us of your stupidity!" yelled Gandalfina. Froli whined from the pain which Gandalfina had inflicted on her.
Gandalfina was an elderly woman, with a large staff which had no power whatsoever other than to make her look important. She also wore a large, pointy hat which was another part of her "important costume." Her only purpose was to accost the young hobbits and once and a while whack them over the head. Gandalfina's only true magical power, thus giving her the right to be called a wizard, was the ability to shoot fireworks and confetti out her finger which no other race could do because they either did not want to waste time finding out how to do it, or they were too dumb to (The latter being hobbits, the first being Elves)
The quest which Gandalfina and Froli as well as seven others had embarked upon was very dangerous. They needed to bring the one ring which held power over all to the one place where it could be destroyed. The very place it was created- Mt. Doom Rings and Accessories Inc. For if they did not destroy the Ring, the Pink Lord Saur-Saur would find it and with it he would destroy the people of low-Earth. When all hope was lost, a small, puny, insignificant, lowly, hobbit named Froli decided to take up the quest to destroy the Ring. Gandalfina offered the assistance of her useless staff with Aragonia, queen of ugly women- offered the assistance of her sword Andurilia (Ice from the East). Legolia, an elven archer, offered the abilities of her impecible aim. (So impecible it's almost scary!) Gilli, the most ugliest woman dwarf in all of Low-Earth offered the power of her rubber Ax. Froli's best friend Sammydumb Gamgee joined them as well. Two other michevious hobbits, Mary and Pippina joined this quest also. Together they formed the Fellowship of the Ring, the most pathetic group of strangers ever known to the world since the existence of the "Super Friends."
Pippina became rather hungry as the rest of the fellowship yelled at Froli for dropping the Ring in the trash. Legolia pointed out a foot-long sub lying in the distance.
"You know- one of those can fill a grown man's stomach for an entire day!" before Legolia even noticed Pippina went over to the sub and stuffed it in her mouth.
"That was good- can I have another?" Pippina asked with her mouth still filled with the foot-long sub. Amidst all the yelling of the fellowship at Froli, Froli finally spoke up.
"I shall find the ring in the trash. Though I do not know where I have dropped it," Froli said silencing everyone.
"I shall not help you bear this burden for as long as you have to bear it!" Gandalfina yelled angrily at Froli. Aragonia turned her face as well.
"I don't want to get my sword dirty- You shall not have my sword!" Aragonia added, turning away is disgust.
"Or my bow!" Legolia added
"Or my rubber ax!!!" Gilli added, vehemently.
Froli, dejected turned around and began looking through the trash. While he was looking they began hearing the distinct sounds of xylophones in the distance. Gandalfina looked down at a paper hidden in the trash and read
"Xylophones, Xylophones in the deep. We cannot get out…they are coming!" The fellowship, scared out of their wits, started running toward the inflatable play house in order to bypass the evil coming toward them. Froli, however, stayed in hopes that she could eventually find her ring. After a brief scan of the trash Froli eventually saw something shining from within a pita pocket bread.
"It's…It's in the pocket." Froli said and picked her ring up. Excitedly, Froli headed to the inflatable play house where the rest of the fellowship lay in wait for the impending doom. As froli entered with the ring, nobody paid attention to him except Boromia who the story has been ignoring so far because nobody likes her. Boromia looked at the ring with deceit in her mind. She thought it could save her small jewelry store, Gondora, from going out of business. As she reached for it, Froli moved her hand away from the scheming Boromia.
"Close the inflatable door!" Gandalfina cried out to the others. The hobbits stood there, aimlessly staring ahead while Legolia, Aragornia, Gilli, and Boromia sealed the door with all their strength. But they could not escape their fate. As Froli began to hear algebraic equations coming from the distance, she could only think of one enemy that could be attacking. She looked at the plastic color-changing spoon in her pocket and as it glowed pink- she knew who it was.
"The dorks! The dorks are coming!" Froli screamed. The entire fellowship screamed. The dorks were the most feared intellectual freaks that ever roamed the planet. Their mindless babble of complex equations could last for days on days. Legolia, and other women held the inflatable door shut for as long as they could. The hobbits took out their plastic spoons and prepared to battle while Gandalfina took out her stick and was ready for anything. They could hear clicking pens, and louder algebraic equations coming closer and closer. The xylophones, however, stopped. In an instant the sounds of pens stopped as well. This scared the fellowship, and as well it should have. The next sound they heard was that of a mechanical pencil puncturing the inflatable play house making it collapse on the fellowship.
The fellowship made a series of noises, now thought to be battle crys, and charged at the dorks armed with an arsenal of pens, pencils, and complex equations.
"The sin of 30 is equal to the cos of what angle minus five divided by…" a dork started but Aragornia kicked the dork far far away into the trash. Gilli simply walked through the crowd of dorks standing in a single file line waiting to fight the fellowship. The stench killed most of them. Gandalfina blinded a few dorks with her fireworks and scared a few with something she called a "black speech" (actually all it was, was extremely bad breath). Froli and the other hobbits, however, just ran around in circles like chickens with their heads cut off. Pippina once in a while stopped and ate some scraps of food she managed to stuff in her bag before they left the trash.
After a few minutes, the dorks felt they were outmatched so they brought in their secret weapon: The Troll®. The troll, with blue hair that sretched to the ceilings and a tiny little blue jewel in her tummy was so scary even Gandalfina had to run away. The giant troll seemed very happy, as it always had a smile on its face. But this troll could destroy villages in an instant, without even wanting to. As soon as the troll walked in it sniffed around and said, cheerfully
"Troll…Trolli…Troll-troll!" As it looked around it flailed its giant plastic arms about. The arms hit Aragornia, and Legolia sending them flying into the remains of the inflatable play house. Froli hid behind a large inflatable clown head that came free with the inflatable play house. He was too scared to even move an inch. As the troll came closer to Froli, Pippina and Mary bravely pecked away at the Troll's feet with their plastic spoons but no amount of spoon damage could kill the troll. Froli tried to outsmart the troll but Froli's hobbit brain could not win over the intelligence of a plastic troll. When the troll saw him Froli screamed and backed up into the inflatable clown head. As the troll saw him it smiled. It stretched out its large plastic fingers and quickly smacked Froli across the head decapitating her. The entire fellowship laughed- they were tired of Froli's incessant whining and getting stabbed and somehow living. Nonetheless they knew they had to dispose of troll, despite what a service it had done them. Legolia took her bow and launched an arrow straight into the tummy of the Troll. It shattered the troll's jewel. The troll looked down, looked at Legolia and then cried out
"That hurts!" then it simply collapsed on the ground and died. Pippina walked over to Froli's head to see whether she could keep it as a souvenir but by the time Pippina arrived there, Froli had regained her head and was now standing up.
"How?" Pippina asked, horrified.
"I took some Me-Thril pills before I went out on this journey. You know, the all purpose heal-everything including diseases, sickness, illness, bodily injury, poison, death, and decapitation pill," Froli said joyfully.
"You, and your cursed surprises," Gilli said, vehemently and turned away. Gandalfina shook her head.
"We must move on- to the bridge of Kazoo!" said Gandalfina, desperately. The fellowship, lazy as they were, all decided to ignore Gandalfina and stay.
"Come on- if we leave right now- I'll kill Froli myself!" offered Gandalfina. Immediately every body got up and started running to the bridge.
To be continued…(not that you really want to read more anyhow)