Sorry it's been so long, I got caught up in other things and forgot all about this story, to be honest, but I'm finally back, so enjoy, and please, if you like it or if you don't, I love reviews…

Reunited

Chapter 4 - Problems

If he was on Earth, Lister decided, today would have been a bright, sunny day where everyone was smiling and it looked like nothing could go wrong. The kind of day where you should have no worries and all you had to do was sit, relax and watch the world go by. Lister had realised long ago that poetic ideas of the weather suiting your mood were always wrong. Without fail, whenever he was having the worst day of his life the weather would be wonderful, bright sun in the summer, crisp white snow in the winter. If he was happy it would be dreary and overcast. He had decided that the weather just didn't like him. And that was why now, as he sat staring at nothing and trying not to think, he knew that if the Earth was still there, the weather in Liverpool would be glorious.

He had seen no one for a few hours and he had the distinct impression that they were all avoiding him. He didn't blame them either, he knew that he wouldn't have been the best company, but he still wished he could talk to someone, even if all he would end up doing was moaning about 'Dave'. He wanted him gone, and he knew that sooner or later he would be, but when he went he was going to take Kristine with him. Lister had thought for hours of ways to convince her to stay, he had imagined his way through countless scenarios trying to come up with one that stood a chance of working. In the end he had only two worthwhile possibilities, begging and pleading, both quite similar but one involved actually getting down on his knees, and neither of them were going to work.

******

Rimmer smiled and tried to look interested. He was sitting in the cockpit with Cat, who had just launched into a detailed description of his 57th suit. Rimmer had stopped listening after the second and he thought he'd done well to manage that much. He looked around the cockpit at the familiar lights, controls and other equipment, much of which he'd never been able to work out exactly what it was for, and sighed silently in contentment. It was good to be back. Ace's ship, his ship, had never felt like home. Not the way that Red Dwarf and Starbug did. While he was away he hadn't realised how much he'd missed the little things, the familiar lingering smell of curry that just wouldn't go, the way Lister insulted him, even Cat's self absorbed, irritating obsession with clothes. Part of him, a big part, wished he'd never left, that Ace had never turned up and offered to train him. He'd never liked Ace anyway, it wasn't just that he was jealous of him, although he had been, he just plain didn't like him. He was as vain as the Cat, as perfect as all his brothers rolled into one and as irritating as the rash he'd caught once when he'd accidentally worn one of Lister's shirts.

"…And it's got this great black tie with white bits on that really sets off the collar of the shirt." Cat was saying.

"Really? That sound's great." muttered Rimmer. For the past few hours he hadn't actually heard a word the Cat had said, he's just been guessing the right sounding response and hoping he didn't get caught out. He was enjoying being back, but it would have been so much better if he didn't have to pretend to be Ace all the time. Cat would have known not to talk about is suits for five hours to Rimmer, and if he'd tried it, Rimmer could have told him to shut up and threatened to throw every item of his clothes out the airlock if he didn't. Ace, of course, couldn't do that. Ace would have been as interested in Cat's wardrobe as Cat was.

"Don't you?" Said the Cat.

Rimmer looked up in surprise, he hadn't heard the question, but it sounded like a 'yes' answer to him, "Sure do, old chum." He said.

Cat grinned, "Now this other one I've got is very similar to that one, but a fashionable guy like you would be able to tell the difference right away. The colour is slightly lighter, and the cut is…"

"Could you just excuse me a minute Cat, I've got to get myself a drink of water," he interrupted. He couldn't listen to it any more, he needed a break.

Cat looked surprised but nodded, "Sure bud," he said and Rimmer made a hasty retreat.

******

Lister looked up as he heard Rimmer walk in, then looked down again, deciding he wasn't in the mood for company after all.

"Was Cat always that irritating?" Rimmer asked him, keeping his voice down.

Lister smiled slightly for the first time that day, "What's he been doing?" he asked

Rimmer looked worn out, pretending to look interested in endless descriptions of various outfits was more exhausting than anything else he had to do as Ace. "He has told me everything there is to know about hundreds of his suits, colours, cuts, what accessories go best with what, how he wears his hair when he's wearing each, all the slight variations he can make. I don't think he's even half way through yet!"

Lister kicked another chair our for Rimmer, who was visibly shaking, either from the exhaustion of being polite for hours or fear that the Cat might follow him and start talking again, "Sit down Rimmer, you look like you're about to pass out."

"No," Rimmer shook his head, "He'll come looking for me in a minute, I've got to hide. If he asks, make up something heroic and say I'm doing it." He turned and half ran out of the room, looking for somewhere safe to recover.

Despite his worries, Lister grinned to himself as Rimmer left. It was getting just like the old days. He'd known he missed Rimmer, in fact ever since he turned up he'd been panicking about that dream, but it wasn't until now that he'd realised how much he'd missed him. It felt like the crew were back together again.

He was interrupted from his thoughts by Cat, "You seen Ace, buddy?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Lister, "he said he had to do something heroic, but when he gets back he wants he wants you to go into more detail about your suits, I think he wants you to tell him about all the ones you've already described again." It had been too long since he'd been able to do something like that to Rimmer, he wanted to take advantage of his chance before he left again.

"Great!" said Cat with a wide grin, "I thought maybe he'd want to know more, I just didn't want to bore the guy."

Suddenly, without warning, Lister was hit by an idea and before he had chance to think about it or stop himself, he opened his mouth and said something that as soon as he heard it, he knew he was going to regret. "Cat, you want Kochanski to stay, right?"

"Of course I do, you'd have to be mad to want her gone!" He answered

"You think you can do something for me?" That was when he realised what a mistake he had made. It would have been too hard to back out now, so he had to go ahead and ask. It wasn't what he was planning on doing that worried him, it was what would happen if Kochanski ever found out. Cat was looking at him, waiting for him to finish, "I need you to go and talk to her Holodave, tell him what a great time Krissie's been having here, say she's been getting on great with me, you understand?"

"What for?"

Lister sighed, he was going to have to spell it out. "Imply to her boyfriend that she might have had something going on with me. I can't do it because he'll know what I'm doing." Even as he said it he knew it was the wrong thing to do, he tried to stop, but the words marched on unefected out of his mouth. "You don't have to lie or anything, don't go in there and say we were doing it in the cockpit while you were watching or something, just say how well we've been getting on. Maybe you could mention how she told me he was gay. But whatever you do, don't let Krissie know about it."

"Sure," said Cat, still not sure what the point was. The way he saw it, why would officer BB be interested in Lister when she had another version that was ten times better? Still, even though it was a stupid plan and it didn't have a chance of working he decided he'd give it a go. He wanted Kochanski to stay too, and what the Hell? Ace had disappeared and it would give him something to do before he could start talking about his suits again.

Cat got up and left, leaving Lister sat staring into space again. Now instead of worrying about Kochanski leaving, he was worying about what he had done. He knew now that it was the most stupid idea he could ever have had. He didn't even want to think about what would happen if Kochanski found out about it, but at the same time he was excited. Evil or not, stupid or not, he wanted to know whether it would work. He tried to reasure himself that she would never know and actually found that he was starting to feel better. He relaxed, realising as he did how tense he had been, then he got up and headed off to find Kryten. He wouldn't be too happy Kris stayed, he thought. As he stepped through the door he walked straight into a very angry Kochanski.

"Kris, hi. How are you?" he asked.

Kochanski glared at him, "What the hell are you doing?" she asked.

As soon as he saw her he realised the Cat had done something stupid, there was no way out of this, he decided to play dumb, "I was just going to look for Kryten, I was getting bored, thought I'd find someone to talk to. I've not seen anyone for hours." As he spoke he stepped backwards into the room, persued by Kochanski and her look of fury.

"Oh, really?" she said, "So you didn't just tell the Cat to come into my quarters and tell Dave lies about you and me?"

Lister shook his head vigorously while his heard beat furiously in his chest. He had been found out, but she was wrong. He had specifically told Cat not to lie. "I told him not to lie," he blurted out.

"What were you thinking Lister? What did you tell him to do!?"

She was showing no signs of calming down, and Lister decided that whatever the Cat had done, there was no way Kochanski would be convinced that he had nothing to do with it. All he could do was try and make her think that he had as little to do with it as possible. His heart sank as he realised that no matter what he said, he had ruined any chance of convincing her to stay. No matter what he did now she would hate him. He had known he was making a mistake even as he explained his plan to the Cat, he should have kept his mouth shut. At least that way when she left she wouldn't have hated him, she might even have held on to a few good memories of her time with him. Now she was going to leave anyway and every time she thought of him, she would think of this. He sighed, "What did he do?" he asked, half expecting the answer he heard.

"He burst into my quarters and told Dave that you wanted him to tell him that you and I were a couple and that we do in in the cockpit with Cat and Kryten watching."

Lister bit his lip, "I specifically told him not to say that."

Kochanski sighed loudly, turned around and stomped back the way she had come.

Lister followed close behing her like a puppy at her heals, trying to explain. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen, I just asked him to imply that we might have something going on. You weren't supposed to know about it. It was Cat's idea anyway," he lied, "he doesn't want you to leave either. Nor does Kryten. Please Krissie, none of this is my fault."

She turned around as she reached the door of her quarters and Lister looked hopefully at her, praying for an ounce of forgiveness. "Don't call me 'Krissie,' it's Officer Kochanski to you." she told him, then the door closed in his face, but not before he saw Dave sitting on the unmade bed, staring at him.

Lister turned away from the closed door with a look of determination on his face, and went to find the Cat.