Chapter 5 – Discoveries
"What do you want me to say, bud?" asked the Cat with an edge of panic to his voice, "I did what you said do, it's not my fault is was a stupid idea."
"You did the opposite of what I said," Lister told him in a calm way that Cat didn't like. He opened the scissors and moved them closer to that jacket he was holding in his hands. "Now she's definitely going to leave, you know?" Something began to penetrate his calm exterior, his voice began to crack, "She's going to leave."
Cat kept one eye on the scissors and the other on Lister "Yeah, nothing we can do about it though," he said.
Anger flashed across Lister's face as if he was about to yell, or maybe use his scissors, then it was gone and Lister just looked tired and upset. "I suppose not," he admitted, sitting down and resting his chin on one hand, "he's here, she's going with him, it's too late. No point me blaming you, it's all Rimmer's fault anyway."
Cat decided the time was right, Lister wasn't concentrating on the jacket and the scissors any more, he was thinking about other things. He reached forward and snatched the precious item of clothing out of Lister's hands.
Lister jumped in surprise, then blinked as if he was waking up from a daydream, "Oh, sorry," he muttered and put the scissors down.
"Yeah, you would have been sorry if you'd damaged my suit!" the Cat told him.
"I wasn't going to," he admitted, "Sorry, it's just thing whole thing's got me on edge. Just as things were starting to work out, they start going wrong. I could kill Rimmer sometimes."
"Just as long as you keep your grubby hands off my suits I don't care who you kill," said the Cat, then turned to go, but paused. "Hey, what's with you and Ace anyway?" he asked, "I mean you used to be such good buds, not you act like you can't stand him, and it's not just because he brought holoboy here. And how come you keep calling him Rimmer? You never used to do that before."
Lister shrugged, "Yeah, well, it was different before."
"Different how?" persisted the Cat.
"He was different, look, it's difficult to explain."
But Cat was intrigued now, and he wasn't going to be put off. He sat down, still clutching his jacket protectively, "Y'know, I noticed the same thing," he said, "he is acting a bit weird. I was talking to him earlier about my suits and sometimes he looked like he wasn't interested."
"Really?" said Lister, wondering how he could change the subject.
"Yeah! Like that! Like he wanted me to shut up!" Lister didn't say anything, hoping to get the message across that way, there was an uncomfortable silence. Cat waited for a second, then realised he wasn't going to have to change tactics. "Do you think it's got something to do with him being a hologram?"
That got a response. "What? How did you know that?"
Cat smiled widely, showing off his sharp teeth and tapped his nose, "These nostrils can tell the difference between a hologram and a person nearly as easily as they can tell you need a shower. They can tell a hologram from a person even over the smell of you needing a shower."
Lister raised an arm and sniffed experimentally, "Alright, alright. So if you can tell so easily, why didn't you say anything last time he was here?"
"It never came up."
Lister sighed, "Okay, so you know he's a hologram, what difference does that make?"
"Well, I was thinking earlier, see. I can't tell one hologram from another, they all smell the same, so if they look the same, I can't tell which one's which."
"So?" asked Lister
"So, Rimmer died last time Ace was here, right? But I couldn't tell which one was which between them, so how do we know Rimmer died and not Ace?"
"What are you saying?" asked Lister, who was fairly sure he knew exactly what he was saying.
"I'm saying that I think Rimmer faked his own death, killed Ace, and replaced him. Think about it, it makes sense, we all know how jealous he was of him. That would explain why Ace is acting so weird, he's not Ace, he's Goalpost head!" he said triumphantly, with a grin that said he expected Lister to be amazed by his incredible intelligence and realise that he was right. Instead, Lister just smiled. "What do you think?" Cat asked after a minute.
Lister shook his head, still smiling "You're half right," he said, and then he told him the truth.
******
Kochanski packed her few belongings into the small bag, smiling as she remembered the time Dave, not her Dave, had given her the red dress and let her use his quarters. She smiled even harder as she remembered what had happened afterwards. It was strange how things that make you so angry or frightened at the time could still seem like a good memory afterwards. A long time afterwards.
She lovingly smoothed the creases out of the dress and zipped the bag closed, then looked up as she heard a noise at the other side of the room. Dave, her Dave, was standing watching her. She smiled at him as he walked across the room.
"Have I told you how happy I am to have you back?" he asked her.
Kochanski nodded, "Yes," she said, "but I don't mind hearing it again."
Dave walked across the room and put his arms around her, lifting her in the air. Kochanski shrieked, the grin on her face was undisguisable, not that she wanted to disguise it. "I missed you so much, every second of every minute of every day. I knew I'd get you back. I love you. You know that, don't you?"
"Of course I do, I love you too."
Dave placed her down on the bed and sat next to her, his expression suddenly serious, "Then why do I get the feeling you're not happy?"
Kochanski's eyes slipped guiltily to the bag sitting next to her on the bed. He had been watching her. She moved her gaze up to meet his, "I am happy," she said, "more happy than I've ever been, it's just that it's difficult. These people have become my friends, sort of. Even your double's alright when he's not being a jealous idiot."
Dave winced visibly, "I can't believe I used to be the same person as him," he said. "I'm sorry, it's just all this seems too good to be true, I can't get rid of the feeling that something horrible's going to happen and mess it all up."
She put a hand comfortingly on his arm, "Everything is going to go fine. We're going to go home, together, and we're never going to be apart again. Why are you always such a pessimist,"
"Can you blame me, with everything that keeps happening?" he asked, then shook off his melancholy mood, "You're right," he said, "everything's going to be fine. I'll go and tell Ace we're ready to leave when he is."
Kochanski sighed as she watched him leave. She was going home, she should be over the moon, she was over the moon. She was finally going to get off the messiest and most badly run ship she had ever seen. She had her Dave back, but a part of her couldn't help feeling guilty. Lister irritated her, there were times she wanted to scream at him, times she wanted to hit him, especially today after what he had done, but deep down he was still Dave. They were the same person, and they were both in love with her. And to make matters worse, she realised she was in love with both of them. Not in the same way, she would never think about Lister in the same way as she did about Dave, but she knew she could never break Dave's heart, so how could she break Lister's?
******
"So let me get this straight," said the Cat, "you're telling me that Ace came here because he was dying and he asked Rimmer to take his place?"
"Yes," said Lister for the fourth time.
"But, Rimmer? Out of all the guys in the universe he chose Rimmer?"
"Yes, he had to chose another alternate Rimmer and he chose ours," Lister sighed, "and before you ask, I don't know why ours and not another one, maybe he just chose a random universe, maybe he had a reason and he didn't tell me, I don't know, so don't bother asking again."
"Okay, okay, but just one question?"
"What?"
"Why our Rimmer?"
Lister got up, "Bye Cat," he said shaking his head in exasperation, then left, he had more important things on his mind.
******
Rimmer froze as he heard the sound of approaching footsteps, his first thought was that Cat had found him. There was nothing to hide behind, so he turned and walked quickly in the opposite direction, hoping that he wouldn't be noticed.
"There you are Ace!" said Lister's voice. He turned around, it was the alternate Lister grinning at him, "I've been looking for you for ages,"
"Yeah, I had some things to do," Rimmer said, remembering just in time to put on his Ace Rimmer voice. It was confusing enough being able to be himself around Lister and having to be Ace around everyone else, but having to pretend to one Lister and not the other…if he had to keep this up much longer he was going to go crazy.
"I just wanted to say, Krissie and me are ready to go whenever you are. We don't want to rush you, I just thought I'd tell you in case you were waiting for us."
"Right old chum," said Rimmer, "well get going in a little while, just got a few things to take care of first."
Dave nodded and left, heading back to Kochanski. Rimmer watched him jealously, in about an hour he would be in his own dimension with people who knew who he was, reunited with Kochanski, he had everything he wanted. Whereas Rimmer, in about an hour he'd be back to skipping around from dimension to dimension being heroic. He'd be back to pretending to be something he wasn't twenty-four hours a day. He knew his time back in his own dimension hadn't been perfect, but then when had it ever been before he left? But it had been such a relief to be able to be himself, even if it was only for a few minutes at a time. He just wished he could stay, but it would be impossible. Not only did he know he wouldn't be able to keep pretending, the universe needed an Ace Rimmer, and for the moment, in the time between now and when his light bee was destroyed, that Ace Rimmer was him, there was nothing he could do about it.
Or was there?
No, he decided, there definitely wasn't. With a sigh, he went to find Lister and tell him he was going on his way.