Okay this just came to me while I was re-watching Fushigi Yugi. Actually it came during episode 33 where I was bawling terribly.
Jade Watching Fushigi Yugi:
Jade: Not…gonna…cry…*Begins bawling uncontrollably.*
So I hope you enjoy this little piece.
Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi
Warnings: SAD!!! And mentions of Nuriko's love for Hotohori and vice versa so if you've got a problem with it, please just bear with it.
I Want You To Be Happy
"God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues."
-What It's Like, Everlast
"Don't lose…no matter what…" I whispered with all the strength I had left.
I closed my eyes, the vision of my beautiful priestess still lingering in my head. Her eyes were filled with tears. She was crying for me. For what I had done for her and things I had wanted to do for her.
Miaka…forgive me…
If I had known I was going to make one of the people I care about most in the whole world this sad perhaps I wouldn't have done what I did. No, I think I would have. She was dear to me and I lived for her, to protect her and die for her. Suzaku wanted it to be this way. He knew all along that I would die, just for her. Everything was for her. She was chosen by the gods. If there was anyone else worthier than her to have her wishes granted than they must be a god themselves. The kindness and the warmth that she shared with me even when I was terrible to her. Even when I could hate her for her luck and her wonderful fate of being loved.
I was loved also. My family had loved me. My dearest Kourin loved me more than anybody else in my family. When she died, I was sure that I would soon die too. I lost touch with my parents afterwards, they didn't want to see me anyways, their cross-dressing son. I was loved by Miaka, my priestess and my first friend after Kourin. Sometimes she reminded me of Kourin. The way they both looked at the world, optimistic and upbeat.
"I'm gonna be a real lady one day, Ryuuen."
"Ryuuen, will you be a lady too?"
"Silly…I can't be a lady with you, I'm a boy."
I was loved by my fellow Seishi. Tamahome loved me as a big brother when he never had an older sibling to look up to or get advice from. How could he ever been worried about him and Miaka? I knew they would be together. Didn't they know? Didn't they realize how lucky they were to find each other? To find someone they wanted and in return, that person wanted them. Didn't they know? I wonder how sweet it is. I wonder how warm and safe you feel when you know that the one you love loves you in return.
The other Seishi had many lessons that we all helped each other learn. From Chichiri I learned that I had to deal with the past and move on. It took me a long time to realize that I was stuck in a moment of time when something very precious was ripped from me.
"Ryuuen!"
"Kourin! Look out!"
Oh gods, oh Suzaku, why did you run into that street? Why didn't you listen to me when I told you to look out before crossing roads? Why Kourin? Why did you leave me? Why did you go away and leave your big brother? Weren't you going to be a lady? Weren't you going to grow up and make our whole family proud? I was proud of you then…And I'm proud of you now…
From Tasuki I learned that you can't hide all your feelings away, trying to deny your very heart. I learned it but I never shared the feelings that I should have. I never told anyone about how it was to be me. They saw a little but it's like looking into a pond. You see your reflection at first, but if you look just the right way, you can see to the bottom.
From Chiriko I learned that strength is no where near everything. I always thought strength was most important and it was the only thing I really had. But that little kid, who was so innocent and had not begun to really have a life showed me that there are all sorts of things that go into a person. Cleverness, humor, bravery…The list goes on and on.
From Mitsukake I learned that it's okay to have regrets. But much like your past, you can't let them rule your life. So I would not let them rule my life or even now in death would I let them rule and fall into despair.
But I do have a regret. I think he knew, in some context, the truth. He was bad at understanding other's emotions though. He who had been cut off from many emotions was locked in a cage of his own making.
Maybe it's wrong to be bitter about it. I don't really know. I try not to be angry with him. It's not really his fault. How could he know? How could he possibly have known? Or understand? Why is it like this? I could have fallen in love with any other man and perhaps been happier.
I never did understand my attraction to men until I was older, but I had thought there was something wrong with me. Then I realized it was okay. It wasn't wrong, it wasn't gross, it was just the way that I was. And I fell in love as I took Kourin's place. In love with the emperor that ruled over my homeland.
Hotohori was beautiful. He was everything I wasn't. I wasn't graceful and elegant. I wasn't beautiful and sophisticated. I presented a fake confidence to the world to hide behind. But inside I was just as vulnerable as the next person. Especially when he fell in love with another girl. I felt cheated. I felt betrayed. How dare he fall in love with another woman? How dare he!
But my anger and resentment were short-lived because as Miaka and Tamahome became closer, Hotohori began to feel my pain. He began to know what it was like to stand by and watch another receive what you want. What you sat there hoping for day after day. What you reached out to touch with your hand and felt nothing but air. It hurts. It's an aching pain that never goes away. Or at least, it never left me. Of all my wounds, that's the one that hurts the most.
We had become closer to each other but he was still so far away. We grew to respect each other as celestial warriors and I thought maybe there was a chance that Hotohori would fall in love with me. How foolish am I?
Do you want to hear my anger? Do you want to hear me rage against the one I loved so desperately? How could he? How could he have just let my feelings go without a second thought? Was he a good fellow warrior? Was he a good companion? If he was, where was he? Where was he when I was dying alone on a mountain top? Where was he when I reached out my hand to touch him and felt nothing but air? Where was he when I needed him most? Where was he when I was in pain?
No, I cannot be angry with him though. That is just resentment and thinking of my own feelings. In my heart though, all I want for him is to be happy. That's all I ever wanted. I wanted him to be happy with me most of all. Why couldn't I be the one to comfort him? Wasn't I enough?
I just wanted him to be happy…
Suzaku, if you do grant wishes, will you please help him find the one he will be happiest with? That is my wish.
Help him find the one he'll be happiest with.
If only it could be me…
"Celestial warrior…in your beautiful and unselfish last wish…I will grant it."
Who…who was that?
* * *
"Hotohori-sama…" I spoke softly as the man looked up at me, his golden eyes focusing on me one last time. "Good-bye…"
"Nuriko!" Hotohori sprang out of his chair with his arms opened. And then I saw it. Even though I was dead, tears came to my eyes. Hotohori was going to embrace me, embrace me the way I had for years wanted to be embraced. His arms went to go around me and in my last moment before I faded I smiled as I realized that all along he had loved me.
His arms never touched me, I faded but I saw him from up above. He was on the ground, on all fours as if he had just fallen over.
"Nuriko…I never…I never told you…" Tears spilled out of the emperor's eyes as he looked at the ground. "Forgive me…and now your gone…"
"Your highness?" A woman stepped into the room. She looked so much like me that I had to blink several times to make sure it wasn't me. Her hair was a lighter shade of purple though. "Are you alright?" Hotohori looked up at the woman and gasped. He ran towards her almost blindly and hugged her tightly.
"Nuriko…" Hotohori murmured, gripping her as if she might fade away as I had done. Tears came down my cheeks as I realized that Suzaku had granted me my final wish.
Hotohori…I want you to be happy…
"Yeah then you really might know what it's like,
Then you really might know what it's like to have to lose."
-What It's Like, Everlast
* * *
Okay I started crying while writing the Hotohori trying to hug ghost Nuriko part. It's sad!!! I was all like "Oh, second OVA flashbacks!" I hope you did enjoy this little insight into Nuriko or how I feel Nuriko is portrayed. Also the part about Houki was inspired by Hotohori saying "I felt Nuriko's presence right before I met Houki. I think he was trying to introduce us." Please review.