A/N-Sorry I haven't updated this in a while, I was a really naughty girl, broke some rules and got banned from uploading anything for a week (me-an angel with a devillish streak). The incriminated piece was removed from the site (Ode to flamers- if you missed out on reading it e-mail me at cutecarrie2@hotmail.com for a copy) This chapter is actually rubbish, but still... please R&R

Why does everyone want to help me? It's become a game- who can help Abby before she plunges into a black hole of oblivion. The person who saves me first gets a prize. I'm just tired of it, I don't need saving and I don't need help. I can get through this on my own can't I?

Luka said something to me earlier, somehing that made me think. He said that I'm afraid to let someone help me and care for me. He was talking to me about things and he just said it to me. Well, I had to bite back and tell him that I'm not afraid, although actually I am, I had to tell him that I'm not letting him or Carter help me because I don't trust them, although I do, I told him that I didn't need his pity or his help, so he obliged and left. Now even if I wanted help, I wouldn't have anyone to help me, I've alienated myself and I'm going to have to deal with this by myself and for myself, not for anyone else.

I feel lost, I feel alone, I feel helpless. I'm not sure what to do. I just sit at home, staring at a glass of whisky. I don't want it, I don't want to need it, I don't want to feel drawn to it. I take a deep breath and pour the contents of the glass down the sink, I watch the liquid spiral down and down. I grab the bottle and pour the rest of its contents down the sink. The moment I pour it away I want it back, I realise that it was the last bottle of alcohol in the house and its all I can do to restrain myself from running down to the shops and stocking up on alcohol. I feel unsure of what to do, it's like being on a diet, I tell myself that it IS a diet, an alcohol diet.

I walk to my bedroom, ignoring the fact that it's just 8pm, I tell myself that I'm just going to have a nap. When I'm sleeping I can't crave alcohol, so I lie down and try to sleep. You know how when you try to get to sleep you never can? Well, I lie in bed for what seems abut an hour and I don't sleep. I decide that it's pointless and get out of bed. I try watching some television, anything to take my mind off alcohol, but every channel seems to have something related to alcohol. Maybe my mind is just getting obsessed, but I need something to do, so I grab my coat and leave my apartment. Oh, I'm not going to a bar if that's what you're thinking, no, I'm going to the good old Cook County ER.

I take the El there and as I walk from the El station to the hospital, I feel the wind on my face. It makes me feel somewhat refreshed and when I arrive at the hospital my mood is slightly better. When I walk in I see Susan who asks why I'm there, it isn't my shift after all. I tell her that I was feeling like doing something so I thought I'd come in and help out. I don't tell her that I'm doing it to keep my mind off alcohol, or that I'm trying to make up for killing that girl. She seems to accept my explanation and she rushes off to help in a trauma, leaving me alone. I go to the lounge, where I see Carter,

'Abby, what are you doing in? Your shift finished ages ago.'

I look at him in annoyance, believe me, Abigail Lockhart knows how to hold a grudge.

'I got bored at home,'

'Have you been drinking?'

'No.'

'Sure,'

'I have NOT been drinking Carter and anyway, what are you, my mother?'

'No, in case you haven't noticed I'm not bipolar,'

'Can you not act like an asshole for one second,'

'I'm only treating you the way you treat me,'

'Right, so I'm allowed to make fun of your mother am I?' I ask him,

'If you want to,'

'Fine, your mother is a nasty person who married into money,'

'That's the best you can do?'

'Go to hell Carter,' I say, slamming the door as I leave. What am I going to do?