A/N - I haven't written a chapter of this for ages, so I thought that I
would give it a shot, as always please R&R. Sorry that this is a bit short,
but anyway, enjoy......
Not a moment goes by when I don't think of drinking and sometimes I give in and just drink. You see I'm not that strong, I may pretend to be, but I'm not. I try not to drink; I try not to think about anything, I just want to make it through the day. I find myself sitting in Doc Magoos alone, with no one to talk to, with no one to tell about my day. I curl up in bed every night, closing my eyes, but not wanting to sleep. I'm afraid of to sleep, because of the dreams that may come. So in the end I just curl up in bed and cry.
Things have been edgy with Carter and so I just ignore him, hoping that the problem will just go away. I find myself bottling things up inside me, but I wonder when I will fall apart and when everything will pour out.
*** I find myself knocking on a door, hardly sure of how I got there. After a while, the door opens and a familiar face looks down at me, it's Luka. He starts to say hello to me, but I stop him by leaning upwards and kissing him. I don't want to talk, I just need someone. Alarm bells ring in my head and I just ignore them, I half hope that he's going to stop me and make me talk to him, but he doesn't, he just keeps kissing me. It's a lot like the alcohol, I'm drowning my sorrows and I let myself lose myself. I know it's wrong, I know that it shouldn't be like this, but I don't care. I want to forget, I want to have someone and in a strange way I want to get back at Carter.
By the time we fall onto his bed I just don't care any more, I'm past caring. For a few moments in time I can forget my troubles, for a few moments in time I want him.
***
I'm lying in bed next to him, he's asleep, his chest rising and falling steadily and yet I lie awake. I grab my clothes and get dressed quickly, careful not to wake him. I leave and run out into the icy cold air, my heart pounding. For the first time in a long time I feel alive.
Not a moment goes by when I don't think of drinking and sometimes I give in and just drink. You see I'm not that strong, I may pretend to be, but I'm not. I try not to drink; I try not to think about anything, I just want to make it through the day. I find myself sitting in Doc Magoos alone, with no one to talk to, with no one to tell about my day. I curl up in bed every night, closing my eyes, but not wanting to sleep. I'm afraid of to sleep, because of the dreams that may come. So in the end I just curl up in bed and cry.
Things have been edgy with Carter and so I just ignore him, hoping that the problem will just go away. I find myself bottling things up inside me, but I wonder when I will fall apart and when everything will pour out.
*** I find myself knocking on a door, hardly sure of how I got there. After a while, the door opens and a familiar face looks down at me, it's Luka. He starts to say hello to me, but I stop him by leaning upwards and kissing him. I don't want to talk, I just need someone. Alarm bells ring in my head and I just ignore them, I half hope that he's going to stop me and make me talk to him, but he doesn't, he just keeps kissing me. It's a lot like the alcohol, I'm drowning my sorrows and I let myself lose myself. I know it's wrong, I know that it shouldn't be like this, but I don't care. I want to forget, I want to have someone and in a strange way I want to get back at Carter.
By the time we fall onto his bed I just don't care any more, I'm past caring. For a few moments in time I can forget my troubles, for a few moments in time I want him.
***
I'm lying in bed next to him, he's asleep, his chest rising and falling steadily and yet I lie awake. I grab my clothes and get dressed quickly, careful not to wake him. I leave and run out into the icy cold air, my heart pounding. For the first time in a long time I feel alive.