Closer to the Edge

By StarWolf

1/21/2003 - edited 4/25/2004

Title: Closer to the Edge

Author: StarWolf (elendraug@yahoo.com)

Fandom: Lord of the Rings

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, deathficish, implied slash, OOC Legolas

Pairing: Implied Aragorn/Legolas, implied Gimli/Legolas

Distribution: No archiving.

Disclaimer: Tolkien's, not mine. Lyrics are from Linkin Park's "One Step Closer."

Summary: 'I'm about to break.' (Companion to 'Losing My Grip.')

Authoress' Note: Movieverse, after the battle with the Wargs and Aragorn's "death."

For the record, I was suicidal when I wrote this.

______

[I cannot take this anymore]

He just fell of a cliff. Aragorn, son of Arathorn, just fell off a cliff. My best friend -- more than a best friend -- he fell into rapid water, an inescapable chasm filled with sharp rocks.

There is no question about it: he is dead. Why must I go through things like this?

[Saying everything I've said before]

Why do I have to go through all this torment? I do not want to live. If Aragorn lost his life, then I will go with him. I do not want to be here.

Why am I still alive? Why must I survive when he did not?

Why?

[All these words, they make no sense]

What happened? The Fellowship failed. I failed. Frodo and Sam are off by themselves.

They'll die too. Maybe it's better that I don't know how they will be killed. I would just mentally torture myself, wondering what I could've done better.

[I've found bliss in ignorance]

I walk to where the land drops sharply. I am far too near it. Too much danger. Too much...

I crave it. I crave being threatened, having my life in peril. I want to die. A sick part of me wants death more than anything.

[Less I hear, the less you say]

I think I was about to throw myself after Aragorn when I felt someone touch my arm. It was distant, so distant...I almost didn't notice it.

Gimli. He said something. What was it? My acute Elven ears are not hearing anymore. I do not wish to hear.

I haven't moved. The Dwarf tugs on my arm, even as I continue to lean my body forward. Why won't he leave me alone?

[You'll find that out anyway]

Go away, Dwarf. Leave me be. Let me kill myself, rid myself of this pain.

Can't you see that I want to die?!

[Just like before]

He's talking again. I close my eyes. He's lecturing me about something, but I've learned to tune him out. I cannot hear his words, nor do I want to.

GO, Gimli! Go away! Go back with the Rohirrim! Go back to the King! Run away and hide from whatever plagues you!

I can't escape this. Torture, pain. Horrific pain.

[Everything you say to me

Takes me one step closer to the edge

And I'm about to break]

Will the annoying creature ever go?! I have said nothing, yet he's been babbling on like an idiot for a great deal of time.

Time. I have an endless supply...I want to end it. I don't want to live anymore.

Aragorn was everything to me. Everything.

[I need a little room to breathe]

"Go, Gimli!"

I finally say this to him. I meant it as a threat, to sound menacing, to scare him off. Then I realised that you can't scare a Dwarf.

Damn it.

[I find the answers aren't so clear]

Now what?

Gimli just told me that he's worried about me. Why? Why bother, O mighty Dwarf? Why waste your time on an Elf?

He brought back several strong Men. They just had to save me before I could jump.

Why?

[Wish I could find a way to disappear]

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay. Asking if I'll be alright. Asking me how I feel about Aragorn's death. They tell me how sorry they feel for me.

I don't want your pity, you fools.

I want to be alone.

What is wrong with you people? I think it's rather clear that when I try to get away from you, it means that I don't really want to talk. Vapid humans.

I've never... I've never thought that before.

I...

What's wrong with me?

[All these thoughts they make no sense]

Did I truly just think that? Maybe I have something against Dwarves, but...I've never said that about any other race. Even with the Dwarves, it was merely jesting. I've never thought anything so cruel about anyone before. Especially not humans.

Not when you're one, Aragorn. A King of Men.

Not when you were one.

I...

I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate everything.

I hate.

[I've found bliss in ignorance]

I want to kill. I want to kill all of the damn Orcs and then kill myself. Maybe I'll end up in whatever pitiful void Aragorn ended up in.

Now when I need someone, they've all gone elsewhere.

I am confused. Lost. Aragorn, where are you?

[Nothing seems to go away]

Where are those stupid creatures? We're all so afraid of the Orcs. The Uruk-hai. Oh, dear. I'm frightened.

Send them in! Let me at them. I want to fight an army. Hurry up, Saruman. I'll take care of your soldiers with ease.

I'll slaughter them. I want to kill. I want to fling arrows at their pathetic bodies. I want to stab them all. Swing, slice, shoot. Kill.

I'm being reduced to just that -- an Orc. Aren't they just mutilated Elves? I am a very mutilated Elf.

[Over and over again...]

Oh, look at Legolas. He's so beautiful. He's an Elf. How gorgeous. How wonderful. They're so wrong.

How pitiful I am, but I don't want their pity. Don't feel sorry for me -- I don't need it. I pity myself enough. I don't want to be an Elf.

It's so hard to die.

[Just like before...]

My emotions are triple what any human feels. And I can't look forward to death, for I will never die naturally. I'll have to bring it upon myself, or beg someone until they help me. Someone take my life away from me. Please.

I want to escape.

[Shut up when I'm talking to you!]

Get away from me, Gimli! Go away, Théoden! I don't care anymore. I don't care how many Orcs we have to fight. I don't care about the danger. I don't care about anything.

Leave me be.

Better yet...kill me first.

[I'm about to break]

Aragorn, what would you say if you saw me now?

A beautiful Elf Prince, in the finest clothing he has with him, ready to slit his throat with his own arrows from Lothló rien?

Galadriel told us that the quest stood upon the edge of a knife. "Stray but a little, and it will fail."

I have a knife...I could use it. It has a nice, sharp edge.

I have failed. I'm paying for it.

I decide not to use my arrows. They're too light. They're not even from my home... If I'd made them, I would have taken my life with them. But they are not mine to use.

I take out one of my daggers. Nice and shiny and sharp. So deadly. So...wonderful. So convenient. What a great way to die! Not in a battle, but in a moment of weakness.

I'll lose my life because of the edge of this blade. I'm straying and failing.

I have no wish to see the Undying Lands. What good is everlasting life if the one person who meant something to you can't be with you?

Goodbye, Aragorn.

Unh. Blood. Lots of blood. On my fingers. On my hand. On my --

[I'm about to break]