Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc.
Part II: Want
She's looking at me again.
Please stop. Please stop. I need her to stop.
She finally glances down and away from me. Does she know how hard it is to act like she isn't here? Does she know how I long to kiss her whenever she's near? I love her so much and it keeps getting harder not to show it.
Ginny whispers something in my ear. It's meant to be funny and so I laugh.
I can feel her gaze on my face again. I want so much to go over to her, where I belong, and kiss her senseless. I don't want to stay here. I don't want the girl sitting by my side. All I want is her and she I can never have. I can't think of anything else, when she's looking at me like that.
She looks away once again and slowly my self-control comes back.
It's hard to be in love with someone who you're not allowed to say the words to. Falling in love with her was the easiest thing I have ever done. It's more natural than breathing and I fall more in love with her with each and every moment that passes. How could I not love her? She's lovely and sweet, a loyal friend through and through. She knows every thought I think and is always willing to help me in any way I need. Of course I love her—I love her for everything she is and for everything that she does.
I want her to know that I love her, that I absolutely adore her.
I can't say the words however. That would be wrong. I don't want her to feel obliged to love me. I don't want to see her eyes dim at my confession while she blandly says she loves me too. I want anything but that.
Unfortunately, that's the best-case scenario. What would I do if she loves me back? I know perfectly well what I would like to do. I would hold her until holding her wasn't enough and then kiss her until kissing wasn't enough and then love her, love her until we fuse together as one. We'd only need to say our vows to one another with our love being the sole witness. We'd stay together as one beyond death, until the sky falls down upon us and beyond. We would never be apart.
I could never leave her. That's why I can't have that which I most want.
I know perfectly well what my destiny is. I know that I don't have the luxury of making my own fate. There's a darkness that's been after me ever since I was young and one day it I must face. When that day comes, I have to do it alone. I can't risk anyone else getting hurt, and especially not hurt. I'll have to leave whoever I then call my love behind and pray that I'll be able to return.
That is simply not possible with her. One look into her luminous brown eyes and I'll be undone. I would never want to leave. My mind would short-circuit and I wouldn't be able to think. I would stay by her side until it became far too late.
Or more likely, she'll think for me. Her vision has always been so clear. Although my mind may not be able to function when I'm beside her, she'll have no problems like that. I can see her moving us on, towards my fate. And I can see her leaping in front of me, dying, protecting me at all costs.
I completely and absolutely do not want that.
She's too good to waste her life on me. I love her too much to ever bear the sight of her dead before my eyes. I don't ever want to hand her that choice. It's better that she stay far away from me than have to risk the sleep of death.
Despite that, I can't help but love her. I can't help but want to have her by my side. I want so much to look into her eyes and see my love reflected back at me. I love her and it hurts not to tell her. It hurts not to ever know whether there would be a chance for us if it were not for my fate. Still I will do what's expected of me. When the time comes, I'll push my current love aside and walk on fearlessly to meet whatever's out there.
That doesn't change a thing though. No matter what happens, there's one thing that will always be true.
She's all that I want.
Author's note—I have a vague inkling of an idea for a part three sitting at the back of my head, but no guesses as to when I'll actually write it. In any case, I would love to hear any comments you have about this review so please leave a review.
Also, thanks so much to the previous reviewers:
Nappa—Yes, that POV was Hermione's. After all, the girl
Harry was with had red hair, in case you didn't notice. BTW, was
there anything specific that made you think of someone else or was it just
the angst factor? Because to me, that piece sounds like Hermione
because I think she's the only mature enough to be able to love like that,
without any hope of reciprocation.
Animagus-Steph—blushes> You always do pay the nicest
compliments in your reviews. I don't deserve them but I am glad to
know you liked this fic, along with the others. Thanks.