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Chapter Ten
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Renee dreamed. She dreamed of light.

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My dream is a shining thing.

There's light everywhere. The light is blinding me but that's not the right word because it's not coming from anywhere but from everywhere and it doesn't hurt my eyes but I still can't see.

I can move through the light but I can't escape it, can't see where I've come from or where I'm going. I can't see my own hands when I hold them up in front of me but when I curl them into fists, the nails are claws and they tear my skin like paper. The pain is a welcome certainty and I smile.

My heart starts to beat faster, so fast that I think I'm going to die because I should be running, I was running and now I've stopped and it's going to be the death of me.

I start running again, running straight ahead into the light and away from the light and the light comes with me and I still can't see where I'm going. I wish I could hear my footsteps because I think that I'm not really moving, just running in one spot in this blind bright place and then I do hear footsteps and they're coming from behind me and I know that it's him.

I run faster because I can't let him find me I can't I can't and my heart is a pain in my chest but I can still hear his footsteps, those soft tripping footsteps like a lion in the jungle like death coming fast behind me and I can't run any faster but I do.

I know he's getting closer though I can't tell why but then I realize that I can *feel* him, I feel his every move like a touch on my shoulder and his thoughts are hungry ghosts waiting for me at the edge of my mind. He's a part of me, separate but still bound up in this thing I have become, he's my hands or my claws or my heart running fast behind me.

I'm terrified. More terrified than I've ever been before, except that's not true because this is how I felt when I realized that everyone I love goes away and away and away and I can never put them back together again.

But now there's something up ahead and for the first time I know that I'm moving because it's getting closer. It's dark, a patch of darkness like a ragged hole cut in the light and I speed up because I'll be safe there. He wouldn't follow me there. He wouldn't dare. Do I dare?

Blink and I'm there and the light is just a memory because I'm in a room built from shadows and stone and it's a room that I've been in a thousand times before. The air is warm here, warm like blood and I remember for the first time that it was terribly cold in the light. There's ice on my hair, I can feel it melt and hear its slow dripping progress to the floor. It doesn't matter now. I walk slowly across the room.

His nest is where it always is, tucked safely back behind a metal door that opens automatically for me when I walk towards it. He's there, of course. I knew he would be, counted on it, because that's what will keep him from following me here. He's asleep, curled in the petals of the bed like a trusting child except that no child ever had lips like that or skin like that. Lickable skin, I think. Biteable lips and I should know.

I love to watch him sleep. He's bare to the waist tonight and I wonder if he did that for me because he knows that I love the way his skin glows like amber against the black nest. It hurts something in my chest to look at him, it always does, he's so beautiful. He hates that, I know he hates it, he's forbidden me to call him beautiful on pain of death or torture.

Oh he's waking up.

Beautiful.

He smiles, a slow inviting smile that sends heat flashing through me and stretches out his arms. Blink and I'm in the bed with him, under him, his hand is pinning my arms above my head as he licks his way down the arched column of my neck, lingering on the old marks he finds there and each little patch of scar tissue is a jolt of electricity that makes me see colours in the darkness above my head and whimper, a small lost sound that encourages him.

My head is thrown back now, I'm staring blindly at the ceiling and squirming against his hands because it's not fair, not fair at all, I need to be able to use my hands and I know how his hair feels when I thread my fingers through it and I know that if I push his head down he'll take pity on me but I can't because my hands are pinned and he's so fucking good at this that I think I'm going to die and god, I love his mouth, I love his hands and if he doesn't hurry up I'm going to kill him, slice his lovely throat while he's sleeping and - ah! The light is coming.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Renee woke still in a bed and still surrounded by darkness, curled up around herself like a cat trying to stay warm, her arms wrapped painfully tight around her chest, her knees drawn up almost to her chin. She was alone, yes, surely she was alone even if she couldn't quite bring herself to look. She let out a long shaking breath.

"Fuck." Renee said viciously. She was trembling, she realized, shivering like she was going to shake herself apart. She sat up and looked around her and saw nothing. It was her room, her bed. She was alone.

It was just a dream, she wanted to say aloud, but Kairn and Juin were just a room away. They might hear her and she wouldn't want that. She was humanity's only hope and what she felt didn't matter. She had to keep up appearances. She should stop shaking. She definitely had to stop shaking. She couldn't stop shaking.

"It's just a dream." Renee whispered into the darkness because she had to. To hell with Kairn and Juin. To hell with all of them.

Letting out a long shuddering breath of air, Renee stood up. The dream would fade, she knew that. By tonight, she might even be able to sleep again. Maybe not. She stretched, bending backwards until her hands hit the floor, feeling muscles shift and crack in her shoulders. She looked at the world from an upside-down perspective and frowned.

Howlyn would be waiting for her.

She pulled back up to a standing position and started to stretch her arms.

There was no way to get out of it, she thought. She was going to have to see Howlyn. Damn it, and she was going to see him before she had time to forget, before the memory of the dream had faded. I'm going to blush, Renee thought bitterly. I just know I am.

Still, there was one benefit to this meeting. If Howlyn wanted to learn how to fight with weapons, Renee had no problem with that. It was a legitimate excuse to bash his smiling face in, to replace the memory of his hands on her skin with the memory of her hands on his throat.

Renee smiled to herself, a small humourless smile. Oh yeah. This could be fun.

"Are you awake, Renai?" Kairn said from outside the curtain.

"Yes," Renee said, turning to face the curtain, her hands falling to link behind her back. "Am I required?"

"It is almost time for your meeting with our King," Kairn pushed aside the curtain and looked at Renee impassively. "You will not have time to feed."

"I will survive." Renee said. "I should go."

Kairn nodded, stepping away from the door and letting the curtain fall back to cover it. Renee relaxed and took her hands from behind her back. She inspected them carefully. Good, she thought. They barely bled at all.

A few seconds later, she stepped out of her chamber. Kairn was waiting.

"The training grounds are difficult to find," he said calmly. "I will show you the way."

Renee let a little amusement show on her face so that Kairn would know that she didn't really blame him for making sure. After all, it wasn't like she hadn't thought of just running away.

"And if I know where they are?" She asked curiously.

Kairn's face didn't change when he said, "Then you can show me how to find them."

Renee fought back a smile. That was almost a joke, she thought. But it wouldn't have been funny if she had been going to try and avoid Howlyn. The thought was enough to kill her smile.

"All right," Renee said. "Let's go."

They walked through the door together and out into the twisting pathways of the castle. Renee let Kairn take the lead. He was the senior guard, Renee was the junior guard and she really hoped that she didn't have to kill him because it was rare to find an Atavus with a sense of humour.

"Where's Juin?" Renee asked as they crossed the main hallway. "Is he with our Lord?"

Kairn looked at her. "Of course not," he said sternly, his eyes narrow on her face. "If our Lord needed protection, I would be with him. As would you."

"Of course." Renee nodded.

All right, she thought, so he doesn't have much of a sense of humour. Maybe it would be all right to maim him just a little.

Howlyn was waiting for her, she thought and felt tension coil in her stomach.

"Juin is feeding." Kairn said. "As you should be."

"No time." Renee said, trying to sound disappointed. Yeah, that would have been perfect: she could have committed ancestral homicide as a breakfast pick-me-up and then gone to Howlyn with the blood still on her hands. He would have liked that, she thought with a sudden twist of revulsion. He would have wanted to lick it off.

They walked on in silence.

Renee was starting to think that Kairn had something on his mind. He was making small noises as they walked, tiny almost growling sounds that she didn't think he was even conscious of making.

Finally, Kairn growled low in his throat and Renee stopped walking. He walked on a few steps before he noticed that she was gone, then whirled on her with a speed more appropriate to a hunt than to a fellow guard and now Renee knew that something was wrong.

"Kairn," Renee said and saw a muscle jump in his cheek. "There is something you want to tell me." It wasn't a question.

Kairn focused his eyes somewhere above her head, and Renee knew that he must be really upset. That was a sign of submission, and a fairly hefty one. She could see his throat, and the pulse in his neck fascinated her. There was blood there, just under the surface. Trapped.

It was just a dream, she thought. It didn't mean anything. Blood doesn't mean anything to you, and neither does Howlyn. It was just a dream.

"Tell me what's wrong," Renee said quietly to Kairn. "It's all right." There, she thought, a sign of submission to balance his. They were equals, for the moment.

Kairn looked at her, and there was torment in his eyes. "Our Lord has spoken highly of you to the King."

"Yes?" Renee said carefully. Of course this was about Howlyn, she thought with resignation. There was no getting away from him.

"If you do not impress him, it will be a mark against us." Kairn continued slowly. "And with the Meeting approaching"

"It would mean that our Lord will lose ground before the debate even begins." Renee finished, feeling her stomach suddenly hollow out. "And his opinions would be worth less."

She should have thought of that. But oh, how she wanted to hurt Howlyn for that dream. Damn it.

"I will do my best." Renee said to Kairn. "I swear it."

He looked at her steadily. "We shall see."

They continued walking in silence
.
Thoughts tumbled through Renee's mind and it was difficult to keep her face calm and her heart beat steady. If she beat Howlyn bloody, used every trick she knew to break his bones and crush his smile, and she could and she wanted to, Lord Avaren would gain from it and humanity would lose.

On the other hand, if she let Howlyn beat her, let him pin her down and touch her and fuck, god knows what he would want to do, Lord Avaren would lose status and it would be a victory for humankind. And I might die, Renee thought, before Howlyn figures out that I'm not healing.

And then Kairn was leading her into a small circular room lined with doorways and it was all happening too fast because Renee still had no clue what she was going to do.

Kairn nodded once to her and left without speaking. That might be his way of wishing me luck, Renee thought. Then again, maybe not.

She could run for it now that he was gone, Renee thought. Except that he was probably waiting just out of sight. Except that she'd probably run into Howlyn in the corridors. Except that all of that didn't matter, she couldn't run because the memory of the dream was clinging to her like spider webs and she couldn't seem to shake it off and she couldn't run because *he would chase her*.

Renee shook her head to clear it and looked for the door with the Atavus symbol for 'one' on it. She found it and then counted: one, two three. It was that one. She took a deep breath. Howlyn was waiting for her.

She stepped through the door, her hands clenched at her side and he wasn't waiting for her and the room was like nothing she'd ever imagined.

For starters, it was tall, taller than any other room she'd seen there: easily fifty feet high and at least the same distance wide. The top of the room disappeared into shadow, the farthest walls likewise barely visible through the gloom.

Like her barracks, the room appeared to have been roughly carved out of a single monstrous block of grey stone, with no straight lines or flat surfaces anywhere.

Unlike her barracks, every surface except the floor was covered with pointed bits of rock like stalagmites that had been carefully sharpened to needle sharpness. Some of them were only a few inches long, others had to be six feet long at least. There were stains on most of the spikes, dull brown blotches concentrated near the sharp tips.

Renee stared at one of the longer spikes. It was all brown, all of it, right down to where it hit the wall, and there was a larger stain on the wall and the dark dried ghost of a puddle on the floor.

Someone died here, Renee thought with a sick feeling in her chest. Nobody could have survived that. She couldn't stop herself from picturing a faceless stranger being pushed quickly - she hoped it had been quickly - against the spike so hard that he kept going, sliding along the spike like a bead on a string until he hit the wall-

Renee flinched, and her hand went involuntarily to her stomach as she felt a twinge of pain from a wound that was never hers. Trust the Atavus, she thought, still feeling sick, to train in a room that's like a porcupine turned inside out.

It would be easy to die here. Even by herself, no assistance required, if she happened to trip in the wrong place, and all her calculations about whether or not she should try to win were pointless now. She wouldn't try to win. She'd try to survive.

Tearing her eyes away from the spikes with difficulty, Renee looked down and saw something glittering by her feet. It looked something like a long sword, but not quite, because the blade part was really two blades joined in the center of each. It was an interesting design, she thought, a blade with four edges, all of which looked sharp and deadly.

Renee picked it up and tried an experimental slash. Nice, she thought. Good balance. She might just survive this fight after all.

She heard the door open behind her.

******

Ah, I'm being so good with the scheduling. You know, I don't re-watch the old episodes nearly enough. They're just neat, especially for a villain fancier like me who has spent many fruitless hours staring at the TV and muttering, "No, you don't want to kill the heroine, you idiot! You want to drag her back to your lair - which by the way you should probably spruce up a little bit first, maybe some candles and roses or something - and explain to her why the two of you are destined to spend the rest of your lives in domestic bliss producing cute little morally ambiguous babies. Kiss her, kiss- I said kiss, damn it! Put down the knife!"

Yeah, I don't appreciate Howlyn enough. *g*

All comments for the last part replied to, thank you all very much! (They may take a while to show up, though.) And a special thank you to Sapphira, who carefully explained to me why I wasn't allowed to just stop this story. She made a good case. ;-)

Tell me what you think?

Ash