Rest In Pieces
By Gabs (GabsHardyL4tM@hotmail.com)
DISCLAIMER: Yes, of course I own Alias! And I own the Saliva song I used as inspiration for this piece of fan fiction… yeah, or not. So don't sue me, or I might cry.
*Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
'Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine
You look so beautiful tonight
Reminds me how you laid us down
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life*
A million emotions rage inside of me every time I see you. It doesn't show, I know it doesn't. I won't let it. That would give you another victory over me, and you've had far too many of those already. I don't know what to think of you anymore. That's a new feeling for me. You were always so clear cut in the past. I loved you, and then I hated you. There was never any gray area, no in between. It was as simple as that.
You made my life better. Actually, it's not so much that you made it better. It was more like, you made it. I merely survived before you. But then you breezed into my existence, running headlong through any barriers I had ever even tried to erect. I was hooked right away. You knew. I knew. And I couldn't care less. I have never been a very trusting individual and yet, the first time I saw you, I trusted you. Ironic, really- the last person in the world I ever should have trusted was the only one I ever truly did. I can very easily look back now and see how stupid I was, see all the little things that should have sent up red flags.
Hindsight is always 20/20.
You were such an enigma. I really knew nothing about you, save for the fact that your name was Laura and you loved literature. Sometimes, when we had those heated debates about the works of Shakespeare, or Marlowe, or Elizabeth I, I thought I heard some kind of accent slip into your voice. But just as quickly as it was there, it was gone. So I ignored it. I let you affect me, change me. I liked what you were doing to me. I liked buying you flowers just because. I liked finding poetry on my windshield and in my wallet. I liked being married to you, coming home each day to one of my favorite meals. I liked cooking for you on the weekends, while you spent the day gardening, or shopping, or tidying up the house. I liked walking in the park with you every Saturday at 3. And in those last 6 years, I loved watching you with Sydney. When you gave me my beautiful daughter, my life was complete. I could have died a happy man.
But you were the one who had to die. I thought that would go down as the worst day of my life. How could anything be worse? Yet again, you proved me wrong. You weren't who I thought you were. You weren't Laura Bristow, the wife and mother who was so full of love. You were- you are- Irina Derevko, enemy of the United States. Enemy of me. But you managed to surprise me again. You topped yourself. You came back into my life when you put a bullet in my daughter's shoulder. And then, you turned yourself over to the CIA. You're never satisfied, are you? But I knew that. When we were married, 'good enough' wasn't. It always had to perfect. You could never lose an argument, especially if the subject was poetry. If Sydney got grass stains on her shirt, you either got them out or threw it out. No, good enough never was. Not for you. Some things never change.
I thought I was over you. I really did. I thought I could walk to that cell and look into your eyes and be unaffected. But it didn't work. A thousand memories hit me, all at once. Our wedding day; the toaster incident; the day I thought I lost you; the day I lost all I thought was you.
You've been here for a few months now. Somehow, you've managed to rebuild a relationship with Sydney. She has a blind spot where you're concerned. I once did too. But I have since recovered from that crippling inability to see the truth. I can even admit that I never fully recovered from losing you. Not even now. You still affect me, and you know it. You won't let go.
*Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces*
I've come to accept that you're going to be a continued presence in Sydney's life until you've accomplished whatever it is that you set out to do. Sooner or later, you'll betray Sydney and the CIA. That much is a given. Until that time, you'll have her believing everything you say. Evidently, you think I'm going to fall into the same trap. Why else would you bother to make note of the possibility that we could still be married? Obviously, you're trying to draw me in by reminding me that I once loved you enough to marry you. You were correct in guessing that we're still legally married. The situation is going to remain that way. I don't relish the idea of explaining to a judge that I'd like to get an annulment from my presumed-dead wife who disappeared over 20 years ago and is now in CIA custody.
I keep trying to tell myself that you mean nothing to me. It doesn't seem to be working. No, I'm not falling for your soft, pretty words the way Sydney does. But each time I see you, it gets harder to maintain a distant exterior. In Kashmir, you saved my life. Twice. First there was the mine, then there was Cuvee. You've helped Sydney numerous times. I'm not blind to that. But it would be stupid of me to start thinking of you as anything but a CIA prisoner.
I guess I must be stupid.
I know you're Irina Derevko. I know you're not Laura Bristow. I know you're a prisoner of the U.S Government. I know many of the things you've done. And still I feel myself falling for you all over again. It was an uncomfortable situation on the train in India, to say the least. And it seemed we were on the exact same page when I turned to you for help in clearing my name. I'm not sure exactly what to think of the way things have been progressing. I'm contradicting myself now. Perhaps I have fallen for your lies the same way Sydney has. Perhaps I know this, and I just don't care.
*Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hands*
I think that's probably the answer. For the first time in years, my heart is overruling my common sense. Perhaps I'm just going clinically insane. That sounds reasonable enough. How else could I possibly know all that I do about you, and still feel this way? The real dilemma here is what do I do with this newfound realization? Certainly not run straight to your cell and blurt this out. I doubt Kendall would appreciate that, and I'd most likely end up in more than a little trouble with the CIA. Besides, that would give you another victory, something else to hold over me. Right now, the safest course of action seems to be none at all. I'm not waiting for an easy answer to this situation; I'm waiting for a logical one. For the moment, it would do absolutely no good to share this knowledge with anyone. Not Kendall, not Sydney, and most certainly not you. Everything is different from the way it was 30 years ago, but it's all still the same.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even know if I ever will do anything. But I know you have a viselike grip on my heart, and that is something I will never be free of. But perhaps by admitting this, I am now one step closer to being able to live with it.
*But could you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make it go away
And let me rest in pieces*
Yeah, so I was listening to my new Saliva CD at 4 in the morning a week or so ago (sleep? Wha's that?) and this song just really reminded me of Jack and Irina, so I had to write this. I'm considering doing a follow up from Irina's POV using the Saliva song 'Always' which I really really like. What do you guys think? Read and review and I'll love you forever! (Not in the same way that I love my hotties, but whatever) Also, for those of you who may read both, The Man at the Bar will be updated soon, cuz I finally know exactly what I want to do with that one! Just gotta figure out how to get there…