Ooh I'm gonna be in so much trouble for writing this. H e he!
No, but seriously, I'm warning you now, I f you feel really attached to harry Potter, or Ron, or Hermione, or indeed any of them at all, you really shouldn't read this. Likewise if you have a pathological dislike of strange plotless wandering crossovers which are written entirely for the amusement of the author and a select few who thought it would be a good idea.
Okay, now that's over with, this is going to be a Harry potter/The Raven/ D&D/south park/Buffy the Vampire Slayer/ the Belgaraid/ etc crossover type thingy. New chapters will be added when I get reviews and ideas, feel free to send me both. Each new chapter will take place in a different world, and each will, I hope, be original.
Oh yeah, and I own none of it except for the plot (?) and the few original characters which I may introduce from time to time. Rated G because of the possibly disturbing fact that at least one main character dies or is horribly maimed each chapter.
Harry looked up at professor Dumbledore as he talked, trying to feign interest. God damn he was bored. "So, harry, do you understand what you have to do?" he nodded absently. Yeah sure, whatever, can I go now? "Remember Harry, even if something was to happen at the other side you will still be safe somewhere. I'm not sure exactly how that works, but it's something to do with how there are apparently an infinite number of dimensions and universe and an infinite number of people in them, and therefore an infinite number of harry potters just like you."
Oh oh, better sound intelligent. "Infinite, huh? Gosh, that's a lot." Dumbledore frowned at him and then smirked sneakily. 2And I suspect that you already know about the fractal nature of the universe and how you're going to die horribly at least several hundred times before we get the location right?" "Mmhhm." "And your mother was a drunkard and your father smelt f elderberries? Hooray I'm a teapot? Vote for the Monster raving Loony party?" "Yes professor." 2You really aren't listening to me at all, are you harry?" "No professor." "Good."
Harry stood in front of the magic circle and waited. "SO, are you entirely certain of what you need to do?" "Yes professor." "Good. Now then, severous, if you would just say the magic words for me?" Professor Snape grinned evilly. "Of course Headmaster. Buggerus offus!"
Harry disappeared. Snape cackled like an evil mongoose. Dumbledore smiled beatifically and then went to tell the rest of the school, and organise the party. Finally they'd gotten rid of the irritating little git!
"So, exactly how much were you willing to pay again?" Ysel addressed the shadowy cloaked figure with an expression of immense interest. "Five thousand gold pieces for proof of the boy's demise."
"And?"
"And a trained rottweiler."
"And?"
"And some shadow armour."
"And?"
"And some food for the dog."
"And?"
"~Sigh~ And a new pair of shoes."
"Oh goody. I like shoes. When d'you want him?"
"As soon as possible. He should be arriving here in about five minutes or so."
Ysel grinned and, taking something sharp and metallic from a pocket began to sharpen it further, brow furrowed in concentration. After all, you could never have a knife too sharp.
Harry looked around as he arrived. It was light, the sun shinning brightly through leaves and turning them a nice pale shade of green, something which he suddenly felt completely unqualified to appreciate as he saw the crossbow aimed at his head. "Move away from the tree and put your hands on your head." Harry looked down the end of the crossbow to the person on the other end. She was short, really really short, and plump, but oddly in proportion, as though he could tell, somehow, that she was meant to be that way. He looked down and the word "Hobbit" floated randomly across his mind. She had hairy feet, but they didn't look strange and slightly fluffy like they had in the film. They looked muddy and pretty gross actually, basically like hairy feet look if you don't wear shoes and walk around in the mud a lot.
Harry drew his wand and pointed it threateningly at her. "Ooh," she teased, "what're you gonna do, throw twigs at me? Oh, I'm so scared."
"Stupefy!" Harry yelled with his eyes shut. No crossbow bolts were forthcoming, so he opened his eyes and looked around. She'd gone. Hah ha! Take that, freaky hobbit person!
Harry made a move to walk forwards, then stopped as a very unpleasant feeling stole over him. It was the very unpleasant feeling of a very sharp, very cold metallic object being placed and held against his neck. Behind him a voice said, "that was a nasty trick"
Harry shrugged, then wished he hadn't as the knife dug into hi neck, just a little. "So, just who are you any way, wizard boy?" Harry sighed, come on! Surely everyone had heard of harry potter, the boy who lived. "I'm Harry potter." Behind ysel shrugged. "So?" "The Boy Who Lived?" "Well, it's an unfortunate name, but luckily for you I just happen to be able to remedy the situation." Harry frowned, not understanding. Ysel sighed. "What I mean is, perhaps you should change your name? The Boy Who Dies And Has His Head handed Over To Some Suspicious guy In A Big Black Cloak would be so much more distinctive sounding." Harry swallowed nervously. 2I'm an orphan, you know." "Aww. Poor you." "And I've got loads of friends who'd be really upset if I died." 2Sure you have. That's why you're out here in the middle of nowhere on your own. Now hurry up and die, will you, I haven't got all day.2
2What? What if I don't want to die?" Ysel sighed some more. "Then I guess I'll just have to come and see the suspicious guy in the cloak without being dead. Unless a terribly heavy and inappropriate object was to fall down from the sky and crush you utterly flat," she added hopefully. Harry shook his head. "Have you considered therapy?" But before he could walk three steps a most unfortunate and totally bizarre thing happened.
A huge metal safe, at least two metres wide, hurtled out the sky and landed splat on top of the unfortunate boy. Except for his legs, which were of course sticking out in acceptable pantomime fashion. Ysel the crazed hobbit looked on and smiled. "Thank you!" She called, and then proceeded to steal his boots, which were just about the right size.
Don't ask what she gonna do with them. Trust me, you don't want to know.
END