Summary: Deb catches a train and remembers.
Rating: PG-13
Spoiler: This is completely spoiler-free! Last significant episode is Never say never. This takes place when Carter and Abby are already an item.
A/N: Just few things you might wanna know:
I don't live in the US and haven't seen season 9 yet.
English isn't my first language. Go easy on me but feel free to point out any mistake! I'm also looking for a beta-reader so if you wanna step in just let me know!
I'm no doctor and I have no medical knowledge whatsoever. I tried to put a little medicine in this, though, so forgive my many mistakes.
The El train
By Elisa
- Flashback -
"Hey, lady, pay more attention, would ya?"
Deb ran on the El platform, not caring that she was bumping into people. Not that she could help it, anyway, since her eyes were filled with tears and her vision was blurry.
"Nowadays young people don't really have good manners anymore!" an old lady yelled after her.
Deb didn't bother to apologize. She finally caught her train and when the doors slid close she leaned against them, sniffing and trying to wipe tears away.
She had almost killed a patient today. She was so stupid and so arrogant. How could she think to do a new procedure unsupervised? She had tried to insert a central line in a patient even if she had never done it before just because Carter had. And she had lost the wire in the patient's chest.
So she had quit. Oh, man, what was she supposed to tell her parents? She could already picture Mother's face, her features distorted in disgust rather then disappointment.
She couldn't go through with med school, though. She had realized she wasn't cut for it. She was simply too much of an overachiever, procedure greedy, more interested in the science than the healing process itself. Medicine was just a challenge for her. To her patients were only complicated problems she was eager to solve, not human beings who needed sympathy and compassion, too.
To hell with med school and Cook County too.
The train screeched to a stop. It was her stop. She got off and quickly walked the few blocks that separated her from home.
The chilly wind slapped her face but she was glad for it, because it was drying off her tears.
She was soon on the doorstep of the main entrance of the Chens' mansion.
She quickly backed off and made her way to the backyard and pushed the service entrance open, which she knew was never locked.
Deb passed through the bustling kitchen, noticing an unusual commotion. She then heard some unfamiliar voices coming from the huge sitting room. Chattering, laughter and tinkling of glass. Then she remembered. It was her parents' anniversary.
Oh God, she had completely forgotten about it. Great. Now she would have to face not only her own folks, including all her relatives and the whole bunch of her cousins, but even most of the Chinese community of Chicago. Fuck.
She looked around her, relieved that no one had noticed her yet. She ran quickly upstairs and locked herself in her room.
She threw herself on her bed and buried her face in the pillows. What was she supposed to do now?
A gentle knock made her wince. She opened the door only to find a maid.
"There's someone asking of you, Miss Jing-Mei."
"I don't feel like talking to anyone, right now. Tell them I'll phone them later."
"He said he's name is John Carter and he's very adamant that you should see him."
"Ok, I'll be down in a minute."
- End of flashback -
"Your train is here, young lady."
Deb stared motionless at a black stain on the platform, not bothering to get up from the bench even when the man told her the train had arrived.
People got in and out of the train but she didn't even notice them. As a shiver ran down her spine she braced in her coat. Those damn scrubs weren't much warm. She was wearing a blue surgical pair, one size too big for her. They had ran out of them that day so they had to do with what they could find. It seemed that it was national puke day or something like that. She had lost count of how many times she had been puked on during her shift.
- Flashback -
She was looking out of the El window, the city lights flashing in front of her eyes.
"Oh my God!"
With reflexes born of her medical training, Deb was immediately on her feet and headed toward the origin of the cry as the other passengers were just beginning to react.
A man was on the floor. His back and neck were arched, and his limbs were flailing uncontrollably in a grand mal seizure.
As Deb knelt beside the man, she felt the change sweep over her. Early on, she had heard about the phenomenon from other, older ones, but she did not undergo it herself until that moment.
In that moment, her world suddenly began to move in slow motion. Her voice lowered and her words became more measured; she sensed her pulse rate drop and all her senses heighten. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced in similar emergencies. Movements became automatic, observations and orders instinctive. Dozens of facts and variables were processed instantly and simultaneously. Later, with the patient successfully resuscitated and stabilized, he would learn from the onlooker that she had acted quickly, decisively, and calmly. It was only after hearing their account of her performance that she realized fully what she had done. The change had been part of her ever since.
"What's next stop? Someone call an ambulance, please, and tell them to get there." she said as she rolled the man to one side to prevent her from aspirating his own stomach contents, should he vomit. Her fingertips were already at the side of his neck, feeling for a carotid pulse.
A man slid a phone cell out of his pocket and dialed 911.
"Thank you." Thank you, please. The use of these words during a crisis kept everybody calmer, including, she suspected, herself. Stroke; heart attack with arrhythmia; epilepsy; sudden internal hemorrhage causing shock; hypoglycemia; simple faint mimicking a grand mal seizure; the most likely diagnostic possibilities flowed through his mind, each accompanied by an algorithm of required observations and reactions.
The man's color was beginning to mottle. His back remained arched and his arms and legs continued to spasm. His jaw was clenched far too tightly to slip any buffer between his teeth. Again and again, Deb's fingertips probed up and down along the side of his windpipe, searching for a pulse. Deb felt certain of her diagnosis now. Heart attack with an irregular, ineffective beat or complete cardiac standstill moved ahead of all other possibilities in her mind.
"Sir, are you okay to come get off with me and help? Good. I'm going to put him over on his back. If he starts to vomit, please flip him back on his side, regardless of what I'm doing. Ma'am, check the time, please, and keep an eye on it."
The door of the train opened and Deb and two other passenger carried the man out. Deb eased him onto his back. His seizure was continuing, though his movements were becoming less violent.
Again he checked for pulses, first at his neck, then in each groin. There were none. She delivered a sharp, two-fisted blow to the center of his chest and began rhythmic cardiac compressions as two paramedic arrived with their equipment.
'Sir, please fold something up and put it beneath his neck, then lay that bag over and put his feet up on it if you can. That's it, thanks."
"What happened ?" paramedic Zadro asked.
"Collapsed on the train and started seizing. Grand mal. Probable acute MI. No pulse and respiratory arrest. I think you should intubate him right away."
"Who are you?" asked the other paramedic, a boy who looked way too young to be doing this.
"Med student, doing my ER rotation, I know what I'm saying." Deb replied curtly.
"Thanks, we can take over now. Heart attack, great first case to break a new partner in."
"I can help you." Deb replied.
"Ok, Reilly go get some other drugs. We'll need Valium and adrenaline."
"Sir, did you get the ambulance? Good. How long?'
"Five minutes at the most."
"Can you continue to do the CPR?" she asked the paramedic "Good. Take over here, please, while I get some medicine into him to stop him seizing." Deb placed her fingertips over the femoral artery. "Time, ma'am?"
"Just over a minute."
Without bothering with a tourniquet, Deb injected Valium and adrenaline into a vein in the crook of the man's arm. In seconds, his seizure stopped. Zadro continued pumping as Deb hunched over the man and administered half a dozen mouth-to-mouth breaths. Moments later, the man took one on his own.
Zadro stopped as she searched, once again, for a carotid artery pulse. This time she felt one - slow and faint, but definite. She checked his groin. Both femoral artery pulses were palpable.
At last the man took a breath, then another.
Come on, her mind urged. Do it again. Just one more. just one more. Reilly slipped a blood pressure cuff around his arm.
"We have a pressure," he announced softly. "It ain't much but for right now, it's enough." The man's breathing was still shallow, but much more regular Softly, but steadily, he began to moan. His lips were dusky, but the terrible mottling of his skin had lessened.
"Come on, let's bag her and put her in the rig."
Reilly did as he was told as Zadro helped Deb get to her feet.
"Congratulations, if it weren't for you this man would be dead by now. You saved his life."
Deb stood still, looking as the ambulance disappeared from her sight, pleasantly overwhelmed by what she had just done.
- End of flashback -
Another train passed by but Deb didn't seem to notice it. Her eyes were red and blood shot from exhaustion but, above all, absent.
Her mind was still on the patient from earlier that day.
Maria Cortez, thirteen years old, pregnant, full term, came in with a probable urinary infection. She had correctly diagnosed her with pre-eclampsia instead, under the attentive and anxious eyes of Lily and Mark Steiner, a young couple that wanted to adopt Maria's baby.
They had accompanied her up to the OB, where Janet Coburn had performed an emergency but successful C-section, delivering a beautiful little girl.
Deb had gone up to OB to check on them and found Lily in tears, her husband trying to comfort her while a social worker explained them that Maria had still the chance to change her mind. Maria was rocking the baby, ecstatic.
"She's so beautiful, she looks just like a doll, doesn't she?" Maria had told her.
She's not a toy for Christ's sake! Deb had been barely able to contain her anger. You've got to think what's best for the baby, you stupid little girl! You're still a child yourself, how do you plan on take care of an infant?
Deb shook her head, the sad image of the Steiners devastated by their loss. On the other hand she could understand Maria, either. She was still a mother, and the baby was still hers, regardless of her young age.
She knew all too well of the strong bond between a mother and her child. Nothing could break it, not even adoption.
- Flashback -
Deb plopped in a seat. An empty seat on the El at rush hour. A miracle. She was so tired. She threw her hands in her pockets. She felt the sheet of paper and cringed. She hadn't found the courage to read it yet. Ignoring the unpleasant gut feeling she had about this all, she took a deep breath and opened it.
The test confirmed her worst fears. She was pregnant. She did a rapid mental sum. Almost ten weeks.
Oh, boy. She was a doctor, she was supposed to know better. They even had a class about birth control and contraception in med school.
It's just that sometimes things can get easily out of control.
And what now?
It really came down to only two option. Abortion or keeping the baby.
She would never be able to kill her own baby. She might have not planned it but she would have to keep it. She wasn't thrilled about it, but still.
Her folks, though, that was a completely different story.
A child out of wedlock, shame on you Jing-Mei!
She could already imagine their looks. Their anger and their hushed talks. Do you really find it funny to embarrass us Jing-Mei? How about our reputation? What would people think Jing-Mei?
Fuck with them all.
She didn't care about what people thought. He parents, though.Not to mention that the father of the baby was black! A mixed race bastard grandson. Not exactly what Mrs. Chen had hoped for, her, of all people, who was always trying to set her daughter up with some wealthy Chinese respectable bachelor!
It would be fun, Deb thought bitterly.
She could always put it up for adoption. It was the best choice, considering her career. Her parents would want to go for it, too. Maybe they would just keep her home for nine months, give the baby away and hush it all up.
Come on, they weren't that bigot, weren't they?
However, they didn't need to know, not for now, at least. She was glad she had moved out into an apartment of her own more than a year before.
Between that, her shifts and their tight schedule they didn't have many chances to see each others. Another reason to scold her.
" A good Chinese daughter should visit her parents more often."
She guessed that one visit in nine months didn't exactly match the definition of 'often'.
- End of flashback -
Yet another train but Deb didn't move a single muscle. She was a bit scared, to tell the truth. It just seemed that the El was some sort of crucial place to her. So many things had happened to her on those trains. Maybe she should really make up her mind and buy a car.
Anyway, she was too tired to move and didn't really look forward to returning to her empty apartment.
Sometimes she really missed Michael. She wondered how her life would be if she had kept him. Probably a lot more hectic, running from the ER to daycare or home to some nanny. Susan Lewis had once told her that a single mom's life was hard but it was worth it. She said that you actually fell in love with your child. Deeply and helplessly.
Now she wouldn't have a chance to know.
- Flashback -
She was riding on the El, going back after dinner at her parents.
What a night! After her mom and dad had discovered everything about her baby their relationship had gotten a lot more strained. Dealing with them was just harder than ever and she had less energies than usual.
Not that being the single daughter of a wealthy and extremely conservative Chinese-American couple was an easy thing per se. She had to live up to so many and high expectations. And now she had definitely let them down.
Her stomach hurt and she rubbed it with her left hand, her right clutched around a bar to keep her balance during the bumpy ride.
Even if it was late, a little after eleven p.m., the train was crowded and there were no free seats. So she stood. Her feet were killing her but she had refused her dad's proposal to drive her back, unable to endure another single moment of her parents' continuous reprimands.
An old man standing next to her looked at her protruding belly. Deb grimaced. I look like I swallowed a whole watermelon, she thought. The man tapped on the shoulder of a boy slouched in a seat right in front of them.
"You should really leave your seat to this lady, boy. She's pregnant, you see."
The boy popped a chewing gum bubble. " I didn't get her pregnant, Pop."
The man sighed annoyed.
"Don't worry, sir I'm getting off pretty soon."
A fat woman sitting a little behind them stood up. " Here, sit down darling."
"Thanks a lot." Deb said smiling. As she sat down another flash of pain shot through her body, cutting her breath.
She looked at her watch. Ten minutes. She felt the pain again, only it was sharper this time. Then she felt something wet between her legs. She moaned.
"Something wrong?" asked the man.
"Her water broke" the woman explained.
"Yeah" Deb nodded, holding her belly. "What's next stop?"
"800-300 North west."
"Could you please get off with me and call me an ambulance?"
"Sure," said the man helping her stand up " do you want me to call the father too?"
"I'm afraid there's no one to call."
- End of flashback -
She finally found the energy to raise her head and look up to the clock. She ha been sitting there for over two hours. She massaged her sore neck.
"Muscular spasms? It's probably just stress. A good night sleep and maybe a professional massage should rid you of it."
"Thank you." Deb replied, the first true smile of the evening on her lips. " How much do I owe you for your diagnosis, Dr. Carter?"
John Carter smiled back and sat down next to her.
"So, what are you still doing here?" Carter checked his watch " You got off nearly three hours ago."
"I've done some thinking."
"About what?"
"I should really buy a new car. I'm so sick of waiting for this damn El."
"That's great! I mean, my car broke down last week. The mechanic said it's hopeless. We could go hunting for bargains together."
"Good."
"What are you gonna buy? I was thinking of a jeep, I used to have one."
"You mean that used, old one you had when we were still in med school?"
"Yup. Some vandals set it on fire a few years ago."
"You kept that old wreck so long? They did you a big favor, believe me."
"Oh, come on it wasn't so bad. What about you? You must have made up your mind after, what, two hours."
Deb shook her head " Not really."
John stared at her with those big, warm brown eyes of his. She could not resist his puppy look.
" Nothing special, really. I've been thinking about life and stuff. Work, mostly."
"It wasn't bad day, all in all." Carter stated " we didn't lose that many patient and you did a great work with that pregnant girl."
Deb shrugged.
"You diagnosed her with pre-eclampsia, but it was easy to misdiagnosis it for an urinary infection. Even Kerry told you it was an excellent catch."
"Well, that really made my day. Weaver is always waiting for me to screw up."
Carter shook his head with force " Oh, come on, she isn't and you know it."
"Maybe, John, maybe. Anyway today the score was Weaver 0 Chen 1."
"You're really incredible, you know?" Carter said smiling. "You were thinking about some strategy for tomorrow, weren't you then? So, who's leading in this strange match of yours, uh?"
"I'm still down. It'll be long before I even the score."
"Why?"
Deb sighed " Let's just say that I don't screw up often, but when I do I do it bad."
"Don't tell me it's still about the Marfan case! It's time you moved past it! You're a terrific doctor, Deb, today you made a great catch and you still think you've got something to make up for. Even Mark missed it once and ended up killing a patient with lawsuit included!"
"I've had enough with lawsuit myself, John."
"Come on, would you please cut yourself some slack? You're so incredible!"
"You already told me that once. Twice actually."
- Flashback -
" Damn!" Deb exclaimed as the doors of the train close right in front of her.
Deb turned around, throwing her hands in the air with frustration.
"Come on, the next one's gonna be here any minute."
"John, what are you doing here?"
"Just checking up on you."
"You already did enough on the roof. I'm sure you've got more important things to do than baby-sit me."
"You look pretty grown-up."
"Thanks, John, but I can assure you I'm not gonna jump under a train."
"I trust you with more sense than that. You're upset, though, and I'm just here to help."
"Weaver has practically made me quit, so I think I'm entitled to be upset."
"Whoa, whoa" Carter raised his hands in a peace sign " No need to get all defensive on me, Deb. I f you don't want me around, just tell me and I'll go."
"I'm sorry, John." Deb shook her head resting her hand on her best friend's shoulder "it's just that I'm so mad that I'm afraid I'm not a good company right now."
"Hey, I've just had dinner with Abby and she wasn't really peachy, either. Don't worry I'm used to it."
"Yeah, don't get me wrong but I don't quite get you two. I mean, she's always in a foul mood and often downright depressed. Do you like sad and dark, uh?"
Carter smiled " You know, I asked that to Abby myself once, referring to Luka. It's funny you came up with the same words."
"That's why she and Luka were a good match in my opinion."
Carter frowned "Anyway, I'm not here to talk about Abby, I'm here for you."
Deb nodded, as if it was like she was eager to touch the Abby subject herself. Abby occupied much of John's life already and she didn't want her to invade their space too.
"So, what are you gonna do know?" Carter asked, forcing her to stop her thoughts.
"Dunno, maybe take some time. Do things I've never had time to do before. Yoga, for example. You've talked about it so much I feel like trying it once. Call Malucci. We'd better get a lawyer before Weaver and Romano dump all the blame on us."
She sighed and tucked a shiny black lock behind her ear. " My mom would try and get me to work at her hospital, that's sure. No way. I don't want to have her in my way every day."
"I thought she was in surgery."
" Yeah, but she would be down in the ER for consults, and I would meet her at the M&Ms and every staff meeting. Never."
" Kerry Weaver's vendetta, sort of?"
Deb laughed "You can say that aloud."
- End of flashback -
They sat, enjoying the familiar silence, that kind of comfortable silence only long time friends can share. Carter broke it off, halfheartedly.
"So what's bothering you so much?"
" A patient, the pre-eclampsia girl, Maria."
" What about her? I thought she was the highlight of the day."
Deb lit up in a childlike smile. " Do you wanna play, John?"
"Play?" he asked, perplexed.
" It's not a real game, more like truth or day. Something my grandma and I used to when I was little. It's called high or low. You've just got to answer my questions."
"Never liked truth or dare much, my cousin Chase made me do the most embarrassing things, but still."
"Ok, I start. What was your high today?"
"Mmm, this. I mean, you and me talking and no one else around to bug us."
"Wow, I'm flattered. Did this beat having dinner with Abby?"
"Told you she was in a crappy mood."
"And what was your low?"
"When that kid threw up on my Hugo Boss suit. It was my graduation suit."
Deb laughed " Oh, come on, it's your fault. You should know better than wear that stuff at work."
"I just got back from church. I mean I've been going around to take a look at the churches in the area."
"What?" Deb asked holding her breath "Are you and Abby gonna tie the knot so soon?"
"No, no" Carter laughed " It's just that my uncle and ant, Chase's parents, are about to celebrate their anniversary for their forty years of marriage and them and Chase had been looking around for a church for the ceremony and Chase wanted me to go with them."
Deb relaxed, relieved.
"Ok, it's my turn now. High?"
"Maria."
"Low?"
"Maria"
"Uh?" Carter said casting a quizzical look at her.
"Right before the end of my shift I went up to OB to check on her and I found myself in the middle of some sort of Greek tragedy. The adoptive mother was crying a river and her husband was fighting with the social worker. Apparently Maria had decided to keep the baby, after all. She was treating her like she was a toy or something like that."
Carter watched his friend anger mount.
"The problem is she is no damn toy! How long before Maria gets tired of it? And there's no way she could take care of a baby properly. She's only thirteen, for crying out loud."
" She has no family to help her look after the baby?"
"Nah, her father threw her out of their home when he found out she was pregnant."
" You're right Deb, but the social services will work out the best solution in the baby's interest. You shouldn't really be so upset about it."
"From the look of it, it looks like they'll let her keep the baby."
"She will go into a home or into foster care with the baby, then."
"The Steiners, the adoptive parents, were so desperate I won't be so surprised to find out that they have decided to foster Maria too."
"And they all lived together happily forever after. Just your typical American family."
They laughed together. A train arrived on their track in that very moment.
"That's my train, Deb, gotta go now. I'd stay a little longer but Gamma is waiting for me. She'd want an very detailed description of my church hunting. I wonder why she didn't come along too."
"Don't worry, John. Go. Didn't they teach you never to make a woman wait at all those fancy private schools you went to?"
Carter bent and planted a small friendly peck on her cheek. With that he jumped into the train a moment before the doors closed. He was soon gone but Deb could smell is musky scent for a long time.
Fine
Rating: PG-13
Spoiler: This is completely spoiler-free! Last significant episode is Never say never. This takes place when Carter and Abby are already an item.
A/N: Just few things you might wanna know:
I don't live in the US and haven't seen season 9 yet.
English isn't my first language. Go easy on me but feel free to point out any mistake! I'm also looking for a beta-reader so if you wanna step in just let me know!
I'm no doctor and I have no medical knowledge whatsoever. I tried to put a little medicine in this, though, so forgive my many mistakes.
The El train
By Elisa
- Flashback -
"Hey, lady, pay more attention, would ya?"
Deb ran on the El platform, not caring that she was bumping into people. Not that she could help it, anyway, since her eyes were filled with tears and her vision was blurry.
"Nowadays young people don't really have good manners anymore!" an old lady yelled after her.
Deb didn't bother to apologize. She finally caught her train and when the doors slid close she leaned against them, sniffing and trying to wipe tears away.
She had almost killed a patient today. She was so stupid and so arrogant. How could she think to do a new procedure unsupervised? She had tried to insert a central line in a patient even if she had never done it before just because Carter had. And she had lost the wire in the patient's chest.
So she had quit. Oh, man, what was she supposed to tell her parents? She could already picture Mother's face, her features distorted in disgust rather then disappointment.
She couldn't go through with med school, though. She had realized she wasn't cut for it. She was simply too much of an overachiever, procedure greedy, more interested in the science than the healing process itself. Medicine was just a challenge for her. To her patients were only complicated problems she was eager to solve, not human beings who needed sympathy and compassion, too.
To hell with med school and Cook County too.
The train screeched to a stop. It was her stop. She got off and quickly walked the few blocks that separated her from home.
The chilly wind slapped her face but she was glad for it, because it was drying off her tears.
She was soon on the doorstep of the main entrance of the Chens' mansion.
She quickly backed off and made her way to the backyard and pushed the service entrance open, which she knew was never locked.
Deb passed through the bustling kitchen, noticing an unusual commotion. She then heard some unfamiliar voices coming from the huge sitting room. Chattering, laughter and tinkling of glass. Then she remembered. It was her parents' anniversary.
Oh God, she had completely forgotten about it. Great. Now she would have to face not only her own folks, including all her relatives and the whole bunch of her cousins, but even most of the Chinese community of Chicago. Fuck.
She looked around her, relieved that no one had noticed her yet. She ran quickly upstairs and locked herself in her room.
She threw herself on her bed and buried her face in the pillows. What was she supposed to do now?
A gentle knock made her wince. She opened the door only to find a maid.
"There's someone asking of you, Miss Jing-Mei."
"I don't feel like talking to anyone, right now. Tell them I'll phone them later."
"He said he's name is John Carter and he's very adamant that you should see him."
"Ok, I'll be down in a minute."
- End of flashback -
"Your train is here, young lady."
Deb stared motionless at a black stain on the platform, not bothering to get up from the bench even when the man told her the train had arrived.
People got in and out of the train but she didn't even notice them. As a shiver ran down her spine she braced in her coat. Those damn scrubs weren't much warm. She was wearing a blue surgical pair, one size too big for her. They had ran out of them that day so they had to do with what they could find. It seemed that it was national puke day or something like that. She had lost count of how many times she had been puked on during her shift.
- Flashback -
She was looking out of the El window, the city lights flashing in front of her eyes.
"Oh my God!"
With reflexes born of her medical training, Deb was immediately on her feet and headed toward the origin of the cry as the other passengers were just beginning to react.
A man was on the floor. His back and neck were arched, and his limbs were flailing uncontrollably in a grand mal seizure.
As Deb knelt beside the man, she felt the change sweep over her. Early on, she had heard about the phenomenon from other, older ones, but she did not undergo it herself until that moment.
In that moment, her world suddenly began to move in slow motion. Her voice lowered and her words became more measured; she sensed her pulse rate drop and all her senses heighten. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced in similar emergencies. Movements became automatic, observations and orders instinctive. Dozens of facts and variables were processed instantly and simultaneously. Later, with the patient successfully resuscitated and stabilized, he would learn from the onlooker that she had acted quickly, decisively, and calmly. It was only after hearing their account of her performance that she realized fully what she had done. The change had been part of her ever since.
"What's next stop? Someone call an ambulance, please, and tell them to get there." she said as she rolled the man to one side to prevent her from aspirating his own stomach contents, should he vomit. Her fingertips were already at the side of his neck, feeling for a carotid pulse.
A man slid a phone cell out of his pocket and dialed 911.
"Thank you." Thank you, please. The use of these words during a crisis kept everybody calmer, including, she suspected, herself. Stroke; heart attack with arrhythmia; epilepsy; sudden internal hemorrhage causing shock; hypoglycemia; simple faint mimicking a grand mal seizure; the most likely diagnostic possibilities flowed through his mind, each accompanied by an algorithm of required observations and reactions.
The man's color was beginning to mottle. His back remained arched and his arms and legs continued to spasm. His jaw was clenched far too tightly to slip any buffer between his teeth. Again and again, Deb's fingertips probed up and down along the side of his windpipe, searching for a pulse. Deb felt certain of her diagnosis now. Heart attack with an irregular, ineffective beat or complete cardiac standstill moved ahead of all other possibilities in her mind.
"Sir, are you okay to come get off with me and help? Good. I'm going to put him over on his back. If he starts to vomit, please flip him back on his side, regardless of what I'm doing. Ma'am, check the time, please, and keep an eye on it."
The door of the train opened and Deb and two other passenger carried the man out. Deb eased him onto his back. His seizure was continuing, though his movements were becoming less violent.
Again he checked for pulses, first at his neck, then in each groin. There were none. She delivered a sharp, two-fisted blow to the center of his chest and began rhythmic cardiac compressions as two paramedic arrived with their equipment.
'Sir, please fold something up and put it beneath his neck, then lay that bag over and put his feet up on it if you can. That's it, thanks."
"What happened ?" paramedic Zadro asked.
"Collapsed on the train and started seizing. Grand mal. Probable acute MI. No pulse and respiratory arrest. I think you should intubate him right away."
"Who are you?" asked the other paramedic, a boy who looked way too young to be doing this.
"Med student, doing my ER rotation, I know what I'm saying." Deb replied curtly.
"Thanks, we can take over now. Heart attack, great first case to break a new partner in."
"I can help you." Deb replied.
"Ok, Reilly go get some other drugs. We'll need Valium and adrenaline."
"Sir, did you get the ambulance? Good. How long?'
"Five minutes at the most."
"Can you continue to do the CPR?" she asked the paramedic "Good. Take over here, please, while I get some medicine into him to stop him seizing." Deb placed her fingertips over the femoral artery. "Time, ma'am?"
"Just over a minute."
Without bothering with a tourniquet, Deb injected Valium and adrenaline into a vein in the crook of the man's arm. In seconds, his seizure stopped. Zadro continued pumping as Deb hunched over the man and administered half a dozen mouth-to-mouth breaths. Moments later, the man took one on his own.
Zadro stopped as she searched, once again, for a carotid artery pulse. This time she felt one - slow and faint, but definite. She checked his groin. Both femoral artery pulses were palpable.
At last the man took a breath, then another.
Come on, her mind urged. Do it again. Just one more. just one more. Reilly slipped a blood pressure cuff around his arm.
"We have a pressure," he announced softly. "It ain't much but for right now, it's enough." The man's breathing was still shallow, but much more regular Softly, but steadily, he began to moan. His lips were dusky, but the terrible mottling of his skin had lessened.
"Come on, let's bag her and put her in the rig."
Reilly did as he was told as Zadro helped Deb get to her feet.
"Congratulations, if it weren't for you this man would be dead by now. You saved his life."
Deb stood still, looking as the ambulance disappeared from her sight, pleasantly overwhelmed by what she had just done.
- End of flashback -
Another train passed by but Deb didn't seem to notice it. Her eyes were red and blood shot from exhaustion but, above all, absent.
Her mind was still on the patient from earlier that day.
Maria Cortez, thirteen years old, pregnant, full term, came in with a probable urinary infection. She had correctly diagnosed her with pre-eclampsia instead, under the attentive and anxious eyes of Lily and Mark Steiner, a young couple that wanted to adopt Maria's baby.
They had accompanied her up to the OB, where Janet Coburn had performed an emergency but successful C-section, delivering a beautiful little girl.
Deb had gone up to OB to check on them and found Lily in tears, her husband trying to comfort her while a social worker explained them that Maria had still the chance to change her mind. Maria was rocking the baby, ecstatic.
"She's so beautiful, she looks just like a doll, doesn't she?" Maria had told her.
She's not a toy for Christ's sake! Deb had been barely able to contain her anger. You've got to think what's best for the baby, you stupid little girl! You're still a child yourself, how do you plan on take care of an infant?
Deb shook her head, the sad image of the Steiners devastated by their loss. On the other hand she could understand Maria, either. She was still a mother, and the baby was still hers, regardless of her young age.
She knew all too well of the strong bond between a mother and her child. Nothing could break it, not even adoption.
- Flashback -
Deb plopped in a seat. An empty seat on the El at rush hour. A miracle. She was so tired. She threw her hands in her pockets. She felt the sheet of paper and cringed. She hadn't found the courage to read it yet. Ignoring the unpleasant gut feeling she had about this all, she took a deep breath and opened it.
The test confirmed her worst fears. She was pregnant. She did a rapid mental sum. Almost ten weeks.
Oh, boy. She was a doctor, she was supposed to know better. They even had a class about birth control and contraception in med school.
It's just that sometimes things can get easily out of control.
And what now?
It really came down to only two option. Abortion or keeping the baby.
She would never be able to kill her own baby. She might have not planned it but she would have to keep it. She wasn't thrilled about it, but still.
Her folks, though, that was a completely different story.
A child out of wedlock, shame on you Jing-Mei!
She could already imagine their looks. Their anger and their hushed talks. Do you really find it funny to embarrass us Jing-Mei? How about our reputation? What would people think Jing-Mei?
Fuck with them all.
She didn't care about what people thought. He parents, though.Not to mention that the father of the baby was black! A mixed race bastard grandson. Not exactly what Mrs. Chen had hoped for, her, of all people, who was always trying to set her daughter up with some wealthy Chinese respectable bachelor!
It would be fun, Deb thought bitterly.
She could always put it up for adoption. It was the best choice, considering her career. Her parents would want to go for it, too. Maybe they would just keep her home for nine months, give the baby away and hush it all up.
Come on, they weren't that bigot, weren't they?
However, they didn't need to know, not for now, at least. She was glad she had moved out into an apartment of her own more than a year before.
Between that, her shifts and their tight schedule they didn't have many chances to see each others. Another reason to scold her.
" A good Chinese daughter should visit her parents more often."
She guessed that one visit in nine months didn't exactly match the definition of 'often'.
- End of flashback -
Yet another train but Deb didn't move a single muscle. She was a bit scared, to tell the truth. It just seemed that the El was some sort of crucial place to her. So many things had happened to her on those trains. Maybe she should really make up her mind and buy a car.
Anyway, she was too tired to move and didn't really look forward to returning to her empty apartment.
Sometimes she really missed Michael. She wondered how her life would be if she had kept him. Probably a lot more hectic, running from the ER to daycare or home to some nanny. Susan Lewis had once told her that a single mom's life was hard but it was worth it. She said that you actually fell in love with your child. Deeply and helplessly.
Now she wouldn't have a chance to know.
- Flashback -
She was riding on the El, going back after dinner at her parents.
What a night! After her mom and dad had discovered everything about her baby their relationship had gotten a lot more strained. Dealing with them was just harder than ever and she had less energies than usual.
Not that being the single daughter of a wealthy and extremely conservative Chinese-American couple was an easy thing per se. She had to live up to so many and high expectations. And now she had definitely let them down.
Her stomach hurt and she rubbed it with her left hand, her right clutched around a bar to keep her balance during the bumpy ride.
Even if it was late, a little after eleven p.m., the train was crowded and there were no free seats. So she stood. Her feet were killing her but she had refused her dad's proposal to drive her back, unable to endure another single moment of her parents' continuous reprimands.
An old man standing next to her looked at her protruding belly. Deb grimaced. I look like I swallowed a whole watermelon, she thought. The man tapped on the shoulder of a boy slouched in a seat right in front of them.
"You should really leave your seat to this lady, boy. She's pregnant, you see."
The boy popped a chewing gum bubble. " I didn't get her pregnant, Pop."
The man sighed annoyed.
"Don't worry, sir I'm getting off pretty soon."
A fat woman sitting a little behind them stood up. " Here, sit down darling."
"Thanks a lot." Deb said smiling. As she sat down another flash of pain shot through her body, cutting her breath.
She looked at her watch. Ten minutes. She felt the pain again, only it was sharper this time. Then she felt something wet between her legs. She moaned.
"Something wrong?" asked the man.
"Her water broke" the woman explained.
"Yeah" Deb nodded, holding her belly. "What's next stop?"
"800-300 North west."
"Could you please get off with me and call me an ambulance?"
"Sure," said the man helping her stand up " do you want me to call the father too?"
"I'm afraid there's no one to call."
- End of flashback -
She finally found the energy to raise her head and look up to the clock. She ha been sitting there for over two hours. She massaged her sore neck.
"Muscular spasms? It's probably just stress. A good night sleep and maybe a professional massage should rid you of it."
"Thank you." Deb replied, the first true smile of the evening on her lips. " How much do I owe you for your diagnosis, Dr. Carter?"
John Carter smiled back and sat down next to her.
"So, what are you still doing here?" Carter checked his watch " You got off nearly three hours ago."
"I've done some thinking."
"About what?"
"I should really buy a new car. I'm so sick of waiting for this damn El."
"That's great! I mean, my car broke down last week. The mechanic said it's hopeless. We could go hunting for bargains together."
"Good."
"What are you gonna buy? I was thinking of a jeep, I used to have one."
"You mean that used, old one you had when we were still in med school?"
"Yup. Some vandals set it on fire a few years ago."
"You kept that old wreck so long? They did you a big favor, believe me."
"Oh, come on it wasn't so bad. What about you? You must have made up your mind after, what, two hours."
Deb shook her head " Not really."
John stared at her with those big, warm brown eyes of his. She could not resist his puppy look.
" Nothing special, really. I've been thinking about life and stuff. Work, mostly."
"It wasn't bad day, all in all." Carter stated " we didn't lose that many patient and you did a great work with that pregnant girl."
Deb shrugged.
"You diagnosed her with pre-eclampsia, but it was easy to misdiagnosis it for an urinary infection. Even Kerry told you it was an excellent catch."
"Well, that really made my day. Weaver is always waiting for me to screw up."
Carter shook his head with force " Oh, come on, she isn't and you know it."
"Maybe, John, maybe. Anyway today the score was Weaver 0 Chen 1."
"You're really incredible, you know?" Carter said smiling. "You were thinking about some strategy for tomorrow, weren't you then? So, who's leading in this strange match of yours, uh?"
"I'm still down. It'll be long before I even the score."
"Why?"
Deb sighed " Let's just say that I don't screw up often, but when I do I do it bad."
"Don't tell me it's still about the Marfan case! It's time you moved past it! You're a terrific doctor, Deb, today you made a great catch and you still think you've got something to make up for. Even Mark missed it once and ended up killing a patient with lawsuit included!"
"I've had enough with lawsuit myself, John."
"Come on, would you please cut yourself some slack? You're so incredible!"
"You already told me that once. Twice actually."
- Flashback -
" Damn!" Deb exclaimed as the doors of the train close right in front of her.
Deb turned around, throwing her hands in the air with frustration.
"Come on, the next one's gonna be here any minute."
"John, what are you doing here?"
"Just checking up on you."
"You already did enough on the roof. I'm sure you've got more important things to do than baby-sit me."
"You look pretty grown-up."
"Thanks, John, but I can assure you I'm not gonna jump under a train."
"I trust you with more sense than that. You're upset, though, and I'm just here to help."
"Weaver has practically made me quit, so I think I'm entitled to be upset."
"Whoa, whoa" Carter raised his hands in a peace sign " No need to get all defensive on me, Deb. I f you don't want me around, just tell me and I'll go."
"I'm sorry, John." Deb shook her head resting her hand on her best friend's shoulder "it's just that I'm so mad that I'm afraid I'm not a good company right now."
"Hey, I've just had dinner with Abby and she wasn't really peachy, either. Don't worry I'm used to it."
"Yeah, don't get me wrong but I don't quite get you two. I mean, she's always in a foul mood and often downright depressed. Do you like sad and dark, uh?"
Carter smiled " You know, I asked that to Abby myself once, referring to Luka. It's funny you came up with the same words."
"That's why she and Luka were a good match in my opinion."
Carter frowned "Anyway, I'm not here to talk about Abby, I'm here for you."
Deb nodded, as if it was like she was eager to touch the Abby subject herself. Abby occupied much of John's life already and she didn't want her to invade their space too.
"So, what are you gonna do know?" Carter asked, forcing her to stop her thoughts.
"Dunno, maybe take some time. Do things I've never had time to do before. Yoga, for example. You've talked about it so much I feel like trying it once. Call Malucci. We'd better get a lawyer before Weaver and Romano dump all the blame on us."
She sighed and tucked a shiny black lock behind her ear. " My mom would try and get me to work at her hospital, that's sure. No way. I don't want to have her in my way every day."
"I thought she was in surgery."
" Yeah, but she would be down in the ER for consults, and I would meet her at the M&Ms and every staff meeting. Never."
" Kerry Weaver's vendetta, sort of?"
Deb laughed "You can say that aloud."
- End of flashback -
They sat, enjoying the familiar silence, that kind of comfortable silence only long time friends can share. Carter broke it off, halfheartedly.
"So what's bothering you so much?"
" A patient, the pre-eclampsia girl, Maria."
" What about her? I thought she was the highlight of the day."
Deb lit up in a childlike smile. " Do you wanna play, John?"
"Play?" he asked, perplexed.
" It's not a real game, more like truth or day. Something my grandma and I used to when I was little. It's called high or low. You've just got to answer my questions."
"Never liked truth or dare much, my cousin Chase made me do the most embarrassing things, but still."
"Ok, I start. What was your high today?"
"Mmm, this. I mean, you and me talking and no one else around to bug us."
"Wow, I'm flattered. Did this beat having dinner with Abby?"
"Told you she was in a crappy mood."
"And what was your low?"
"When that kid threw up on my Hugo Boss suit. It was my graduation suit."
Deb laughed " Oh, come on, it's your fault. You should know better than wear that stuff at work."
"I just got back from church. I mean I've been going around to take a look at the churches in the area."
"What?" Deb asked holding her breath "Are you and Abby gonna tie the knot so soon?"
"No, no" Carter laughed " It's just that my uncle and ant, Chase's parents, are about to celebrate their anniversary for their forty years of marriage and them and Chase had been looking around for a church for the ceremony and Chase wanted me to go with them."
Deb relaxed, relieved.
"Ok, it's my turn now. High?"
"Maria."
"Low?"
"Maria"
"Uh?" Carter said casting a quizzical look at her.
"Right before the end of my shift I went up to OB to check on her and I found myself in the middle of some sort of Greek tragedy. The adoptive mother was crying a river and her husband was fighting with the social worker. Apparently Maria had decided to keep the baby, after all. She was treating her like she was a toy or something like that."
Carter watched his friend anger mount.
"The problem is she is no damn toy! How long before Maria gets tired of it? And there's no way she could take care of a baby properly. She's only thirteen, for crying out loud."
" She has no family to help her look after the baby?"
"Nah, her father threw her out of their home when he found out she was pregnant."
" You're right Deb, but the social services will work out the best solution in the baby's interest. You shouldn't really be so upset about it."
"From the look of it, it looks like they'll let her keep the baby."
"She will go into a home or into foster care with the baby, then."
"The Steiners, the adoptive parents, were so desperate I won't be so surprised to find out that they have decided to foster Maria too."
"And they all lived together happily forever after. Just your typical American family."
They laughed together. A train arrived on their track in that very moment.
"That's my train, Deb, gotta go now. I'd stay a little longer but Gamma is waiting for me. She'd want an very detailed description of my church hunting. I wonder why she didn't come along too."
"Don't worry, John. Go. Didn't they teach you never to make a woman wait at all those fancy private schools you went to?"
Carter bent and planted a small friendly peck on her cheek. With that he jumped into the train a moment before the doors closed. He was soon gone but Deb could smell is musky scent for a long time.
Fine