Auditions: Part 1 -Tweflth Night
* * DISCALIMER: I don't own Twelfth Night all credit goes to W. Shakespeare and any other movie refs. don't belong to me either. Basically nothing belongs to me yada, yada. * *
* * Take One: Dobby? * *
*Dobby walks on stage carrying a sword*
DOBBY: I'd like to audition for the part of Sebastian.
DIRECTOR: *laughs* Oh okay go on then, it might be funny.
*Dobby draws the sword and fights an imaginary foe, leaving the director in stitches*
DIRECTOR: Next.. please.. must.. stop.. laughing..
DOBBY: Please, I really want this part, you see I want to become a serious actor. I can be handsome and bold.
*Dobby lifts himself up slightly into what he believes is a dramatic pose with a huge grin on his face*
DIRECTOR: Next please.
* * Take Two: Long white dresses? * *
DIRECTOR: So let me get this straight: you want to play the part of Olivia?
SARUMAN: Well Viola would be better.
DIRECTOR: I can see why you chose Olivia then. *mutters* weirdo.
SARUMAN: What was that?
DIRECTOR: Nothing, nothing. *mutters* like hell he could look male, even a girl dressed as a guy would be difficult.
SARUMAN: You did it again.
DIRECTOR: Did what?
SARUMAN: You muttered something.
DIRECTOR: No I didn't.
SARUMAN: You bloody well did.
DIRECTOR: I didn't. well maybe a little. *mutters* but he does have girly dresses.
SARUMAN: See you did it again.
DIRECTOR: *looks around suspiciously* Can we just get on with your audition?
SARUMAN: Oh okay, but I will find out what you were muttering.
DIRECTOR: I wasn't muttering! Now just get on with it so I can shout "next" again.
SARUMAN: Thy tongue, thy face. Wait, wait , wait. Can I change that line? Just it brings back bad memories, tongues and all that you know remind me of Grima.
DIRECTOR: It's f-ing Shakespeare you can't just go round changing the lines you hobbit raping hippy! *notices the pained look from Frodo waiting in the wings* Sorry Frodo. *mutters* hehe ring bearer has an all new meaning.
SARUMAN: It only happened the once okay! You'd have done it too if you were left in a tower, all alone, surrounded by orcs! *cries and runs off, dress flapping behind him*
* * Take Three: Dark Duke * *
DIRECTOR: Next! *Sauron strides out onto the stage with mace in hand*
DIRECTOR: F-k me! *falls over backwards and cowers behind the chair* No Saruman that was not an invitation. *Saruman walks back into the wings disappointed*
SAURON: Is this where I audition for the part of Orsino?
DIRECTOR: Erm. y.y.yes. I suppose so. erm, do you just want to read a part for me then?
SAURON: Very well. *flips through the script* O, she that hath a heart of that fine frame *blah blah etc.* How will she love when the rich golden shaft hath killed all affections else. *swings his mace dramatically to emphasise, knocking over three stage hands and causing the director to wet himself*
DIRECTOR: .yes, erm, very good. we'll seriously, um, consider you. Erm, next please.
* * Take Four: Dr. Valentine * *
DIRECTOR: And you are? *looks up from notes* holy crap!!
FRANKENFURTER: Why hello. *swats the director in the face with a feather boa*
DIRECTOR: Aren't you dead?
FF: Moi? No, it was a film you silly little man. Of course I didn't die. Rocky did *bites his finger* poor boy didn't survive the fall. *cries*
DIRECTOR: Sorry to hear that. Erm, who are you auditioning for?
FF: Valentine *cries*
DIRECTOR: Okay in your own time.
FF: Okay, I'll try my best. *sniff* And water once a day her chamber round with eye-offending brine. cards for sorrow cards for pain.
DIRECTOR: Erm, what are you doing? That's not in the script.
FF: You sure? Oh wait, yes. Sorry keep having flashbacks.
* * Take Five: Mr. Director * *
DIRECTOR: Am I the only one disappointed by this? Sauron as bloody Orsino for f-k sake? That does it I'm leaving. *mutters* screw this for a laugh, I could've been up there with Stephen Spielburg and look at me! Stuck in this shit hole....
* * DISCALIMER: I don't own Twelfth Night all credit goes to W. Shakespeare and any other movie refs. don't belong to me either. Basically nothing belongs to me yada, yada. * *
* * Take One: Dobby? * *
*Dobby walks on stage carrying a sword*
DOBBY: I'd like to audition for the part of Sebastian.
DIRECTOR: *laughs* Oh okay go on then, it might be funny.
*Dobby draws the sword and fights an imaginary foe, leaving the director in stitches*
DIRECTOR: Next.. please.. must.. stop.. laughing..
DOBBY: Please, I really want this part, you see I want to become a serious actor. I can be handsome and bold.
*Dobby lifts himself up slightly into what he believes is a dramatic pose with a huge grin on his face*
DIRECTOR: Next please.
* * Take Two: Long white dresses? * *
DIRECTOR: So let me get this straight: you want to play the part of Olivia?
SARUMAN: Well Viola would be better.
DIRECTOR: I can see why you chose Olivia then. *mutters* weirdo.
SARUMAN: What was that?
DIRECTOR: Nothing, nothing. *mutters* like hell he could look male, even a girl dressed as a guy would be difficult.
SARUMAN: You did it again.
DIRECTOR: Did what?
SARUMAN: You muttered something.
DIRECTOR: No I didn't.
SARUMAN: You bloody well did.
DIRECTOR: I didn't. well maybe a little. *mutters* but he does have girly dresses.
SARUMAN: See you did it again.
DIRECTOR: *looks around suspiciously* Can we just get on with your audition?
SARUMAN: Oh okay, but I will find out what you were muttering.
DIRECTOR: I wasn't muttering! Now just get on with it so I can shout "next" again.
SARUMAN: Thy tongue, thy face. Wait, wait , wait. Can I change that line? Just it brings back bad memories, tongues and all that you know remind me of Grima.
DIRECTOR: It's f-ing Shakespeare you can't just go round changing the lines you hobbit raping hippy! *notices the pained look from Frodo waiting in the wings* Sorry Frodo. *mutters* hehe ring bearer has an all new meaning.
SARUMAN: It only happened the once okay! You'd have done it too if you were left in a tower, all alone, surrounded by orcs! *cries and runs off, dress flapping behind him*
* * Take Three: Dark Duke * *
DIRECTOR: Next! *Sauron strides out onto the stage with mace in hand*
DIRECTOR: F-k me! *falls over backwards and cowers behind the chair* No Saruman that was not an invitation. *Saruman walks back into the wings disappointed*
SAURON: Is this where I audition for the part of Orsino?
DIRECTOR: Erm. y.y.yes. I suppose so. erm, do you just want to read a part for me then?
SAURON: Very well. *flips through the script* O, she that hath a heart of that fine frame *blah blah etc.* How will she love when the rich golden shaft hath killed all affections else. *swings his mace dramatically to emphasise, knocking over three stage hands and causing the director to wet himself*
DIRECTOR: .yes, erm, very good. we'll seriously, um, consider you. Erm, next please.
* * Take Four: Dr. Valentine * *
DIRECTOR: And you are? *looks up from notes* holy crap!!
FRANKENFURTER: Why hello. *swats the director in the face with a feather boa*
DIRECTOR: Aren't you dead?
FF: Moi? No, it was a film you silly little man. Of course I didn't die. Rocky did *bites his finger* poor boy didn't survive the fall. *cries*
DIRECTOR: Sorry to hear that. Erm, who are you auditioning for?
FF: Valentine *cries*
DIRECTOR: Okay in your own time.
FF: Okay, I'll try my best. *sniff* And water once a day her chamber round with eye-offending brine. cards for sorrow cards for pain.
DIRECTOR: Erm, what are you doing? That's not in the script.
FF: You sure? Oh wait, yes. Sorry keep having flashbacks.
* * Take Five: Mr. Director * *
DIRECTOR: Am I the only one disappointed by this? Sauron as bloody Orsino for f-k sake? That does it I'm leaving. *mutters* screw this for a laugh, I could've been up there with Stephen Spielburg and look at me! Stuck in this shit hole....