Read the illustrated version here;
http://lizardlounge.com/Natasha/Didodikali/snake/by-2.html


A Harry Potter Fanfic by Didodikali
Rowling's characters do not belong to me!
However these pictures are mine.
Rated PG-13.

Chapter Two.
The Pitch
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
~Mums everywhere

~8~


Sports, it has always seemed to me, prove that the best things we hope for in life are in fact true. Life really is fair. The team who plays the best that day wins and winning is glorious and wonderful and very easy to tell apart from losing. But even losing is okay because there is plenty of honour in having good sportsmanship and shaking the winner's hand politely and there's always the very real possibility that the loser might win the next time.

And, of course, sports are fun. I love being part of a team, I love the strategy, the excitement of a good play. And I love going fast! The problem is that sometimes you just don't go quite fast enough...

Only the most rabid Quidditch junkies at Hogwarts come to watch the reserve team games and unfortunately I am good friends with these junkies. The Marauders are utterly craptastic cheerleaders. They yelled and attempted to spell out my name with their arms. Peter's L was backwards.

....I should never have taken the time to notice that. The game of Quidditch is even more brutal and violent than rugby. I mean, have you read the rules? The Beaters are charged with trying to knock the opposing team members off their brooms. They are supposed to use clubs to hit rock-hard balls at us, supposed to try to injure and take out the players. Exciting, eh!

Now, although I haven't been knocked off my broom since I was 13, I have broken my arm once, my ribs five time, and my fingers too many times to count. Most games I get at least a few bruises. Nevertheless, you can tell that I am quite the superior player (really, if James wasn't professional level, I would be on the regular team) because I have never been knocked unconscious and I still have my own unmagicked teeth and my original nose instead of some medi-wizard's bad copy. As a matter of fact, I am so good I have avoided getting hit in the head at all, either by blocking (which explains all those broken fingers) or by dodging.

So when, like an idiot, I actually took the time to notice my friends' pathetic cheerleading attempt, some Ravenclaw beater took that excellent opportunity to zing a fast one at my head. I ducked that one only to see another Bludger coming straight for my face. One of the Gryffindor Chasers was right below me, Quaffle in hand enroute to a goalpost, so I couldn't duck down. I zipped upwards.

This was generally a good strategy. After all, an injured Seeker can usually still catch the Snitch, but an unconscious one just falls uselessly to the ground. This time, though, I didn't have a chance to bring my armoured forearm up to block even a little bit of the blow. The Bludger took me directly in the right tit.

The pain was utterly unbelievable, like no injury I'd ever had before. I saw so many stars that my vision faded to a blur of white. For a few seconds it was all I could do to keep hold of consciousness and my broom. But of course, a few seconds is all it takes...

There was a small cheer from the three Ravenclaws in the stands. The Ravenclaw Seeker had caught the Snitch. The Gryffindor Reserves had lost.

The Ravenclaw Reserves were flying their victory circle. I didn't care. I spiraled down to the ground, hunched over and howling, with tears streaming out behind me into the wind.

The medi-witch gave me ice and handed me over to my friends, telling them to take me to the infirmary to get some willow bark. Crying and in pain I threw myself into the comforting embrace of the Marauders.

I didn't know it at the time, but that was a big mistake.


~8~

Sirius bent and looked down my blouse. "Well, you're looking perky today."

I glared at him and mashed my book of spells to my chest. "Could you please stop talking to my breasts."

He wasn't listening to me, as usual. "Never fear, mon ami. Your jewels of womanhood shall never be endangered again. I fixed it."

I frowned at him. Remus, James and Peter behind him looked embarrassed. "Whadya mean, you fixed it?" I asked.

"You mean you haven't noticed?" Sirius shook his head at my lack of understanding. "And I went to all that trouble for you. You really ought to thank me, you know."

My voice rose into ultrasonic registers. "That was you?!!"

My teammates on the reserve team, under somebody's dubious leadership, had united in an effort to keep me from harm. At the last couple of practices they had all fluttered around me trying to protect me from Bludgers. We'd lost our game with the Hufflepuff reserves since I'd never had a chance to even spot the Snitch around my aerial bodyguards. I had spent the better part of two weeks carefully explaining to my teammates that I wanted them to back off and treat me like one of the boys. They had backed off, but no one would hit a Bludger in my direction. Practices had lost a lot of their zing. And a lot of their fun.

Sirius bent over me solicitously. "Ew, you're turning all funny colours. You want me to take you to the nurse? I bet she's got something that would even out your hormones."

I shook my fist at him. "Hormones! Come here and I'll even out your face! I can't believe you'd do this to me!"

Sirius sighed. "Women. Just show no appreciation for a guy's efforts. You-"

I pulled out my wand and pointed it at him. "Petrificus Totalus," I said. Sirius froze, mouth open, mid-inanity. I stuck my wand in his mouth. "Interfere in my Quidditch game again and I will pull your balls out by your throat. Do you understand me?" Since the whites were visible all around his bulging eyes, I assumed he did. I left Sirius immobile there and turned back to the rest of the boys. "Did you all have anything to do with that dumb plan?"

"Not us, no way," said Peter quickly. Liar.

"Um," said James.

Remus smiled placatingly at me. "Why don't you come on up to our dorm and have some tea. I'll get out my guitar. Nothing like music to soothe the savage breast... er, beast."

I eyed him. "No offense, Moony, but if you make me listen to you play Kumbaya on that transfigured ukulele ever again, I shall exsanguinate you." I thought you were supposed to be the voice of reason who kept these morons in line. What happened?

"Oh," said Remus. He took a half step back.

"Um," said James again.

"I'm going to bed. Good night," I said.

As I started up the stairs to the girls' dorm, I heard one of them whisper to the other, "Bad PMS, do you think?"

"Aaaaaaaaagh!" I screamed. "Men suck!" I pelted up the stairs, careened into my room, slammed the door and flung myself on the bed. I screamed into my pillow until my throat was sore.

Finally I pulled my pyjamas out from under my pillow. I started shucking my clothes off, but a moving red glint seen out of the corner of my eye stopped me. I turned and faced my half-dressed image in the mirror. I stared. Slim with bouncy little breasts and a solid muscled bum. Bright green eyes, dark red hair and - let's face it - most of the time I strut around this school with a big grin on my face.

No wonder the boys are all over me like flies on shit. There was no doubt about it; I'd turned out quite pretty. Hmmm. Maybe I could charm up a wart or three? Grow some hair on my upper lip? A big aerosol can of boy repellent? I made ugly wicked witch faces at the mirror. Maybe one of them would stick.

"How about a pretty smile?" said the mirror.

"Screw you," I told it.

"Humph," it said.

I sat on the bed and looked down at my traitor body. No wonder the boys don't want to zing Bludgers at me. I need a solution. I'm losing my edge. I can feel it. If things keep on like this, one day soon someone will challenge me to a Quidditch duel and I'll lose my place on the reserve team.

I need a real practice.

What I need is someone who is not the least bit chivalrous, someone who has no compunctions about causing pain in order to win even against a pretty girl. And he's also got to play a more than passable Beater.

....There is only one student in this school who fits this description.


~8~

Severus was writing his DADA essay in the library. Since he was sitting at the Slytherin table surrounded by other reptiles, he had his arm carefully draped around his parchment so no one could copy off it. Paranoid git. I sat down in front of him. "Hi, Sev," I said cheerily.

He looked up at me suspiciously. "Why are you talking to me, Evans?"

"Evans? Why, Sev, you should call me Lily. We've known each other for years." I'm so, so charming.

"It's Severus. Not Sev. .....Lily."

"There now, isn't that much more companionable?" I smiled at him sweetly.

He sneered at me. "The part where you stop wasting my time and tell me what you want comes next, right? The answer will be no. Feel free to save your breath and go away now."

"Aw, c'mon, Sev! ...Severus. Five minutes of your time." I leaned forward across the table and gave him the sparkling smile I had practiced all morning in the mirror. I'm so, so charming. You can't say no to this pretty girl, Sev. You're going to say yes, Sev.

Severus looked around at the other Slytherins who were all openly staring at us. I swung around and beamed my lighthouse smile at all of them, too. "Five minutes," said Severus and he stood up. He folded his essay and put it in his back pocket. Then he walked out into the hall. I followed him.

I explained my situation and what I wanted from him. He looked unconvinced. "Why should I help the opposing team improve?"

"Hey, it's not like you wouldn't be getting some practice in, too."
I'm so, so charming. Your resistance is crumbling. You're going to say yes, Sev.

"....Hmmm."

"Are you really going to pass up the opportunity to zing Bludgers at me for an hour? Maybe you'll be able to put me out of commission for the season, in which case you'll win!"

".....I suppose that's remotely possible," he said slowly. "All right. An extra practice or two certainly can't hurt."

Yeeeeeees!!!!!


~8~

I don't know why I said yes. I think she put a spell on me.

Damn, those are pretty eyes.


~8~

Sev had his own practice Bludgers, so I didn't have to fuss with signing up for equipment at least. I signed us up for the only practice slot available on short notice - 5 o'clock in the morning. My alarm went off an hour before dawn. I walloped it a good one, sighed mournfully and got up. I dragged my sorry carcass out into the dim grey light. Remus met me on the steps and walked with me out to the field.

Sev was already there, dressed as I was in a Hogwarts sweatshirt. He didn't look at all happy to see that I'd brought Remus with me. "What is he doing here?"

I said, "Remus has kindly volunteered to be our spotter today. His Leviosaaaaah is very good." And he owes me.

Sev shook his head. "You know, you're not going to dispel the idea that you're a wuss if you go getting a spotter for every little practice."

"Hey, today I'll be pulling off such death-defying, hair-raising Seeker moves that I'll need a spotter. Won't I, Sev." I put my hands on my hips and looked at him meaningfully.

Sev raised an eyebrow at me and smiled. "Fair enough." He unlocked the Bludger box and hefted his club. "Run for your life, little girl."

I jumped on my broom and fled. A Bludger whistled past my head before I'd gone fifty feet. Perfect!


~8~

With only two players on the field, Lily and I got a rather intense workout. I loosed both the Bludgers and, because they had only two targets to concentrate on, we were both dodging much more than usual.

Since Lily wasn't looking for the Snitch today, she had much more attention to devote to defending herself. Perhaps she was a little sluggish for the first five seconds, but I soon inspired her. I managed to keep her moving constantly. I eventually got her with a couple of glancing blows, but I didn't land anything solid on her. She really is damn good.

The hour was up; the next players who had signed up for the field were waiting below. Lily looked pretty tired. Not many Seekers actually volunteer to for target practice like this. I'd never spent an entire practice hitting Bludgers every few seconds. I was out of breath and my arm actually hurt. Best practice I've ever had. I whispered the disactivation spell; the Bludgers sulkily returned to their box. Lupin waved to Lily and loped off in the direction of breakfast. Lily followed me down. I shut the box and turned the key.

"Well, you didn't suck too badly. Next time we should add the Snitch into the equation," I said.

Lily looked thoughtful. She said, "I have an idea, something I want to try. Solve this whole Bludger problem with the other boys once and for all. It might take me a couple of weeks to implement it though..."

"Oh. Do want to keep practicing then or not?"

She looked up at me with bright green eyes. "Oh, yes! Absolutely! Friday same time?"

I looked away from her magical gaze. "Um. Fine. Maybe you can try to sign us up for something better than 5 in the morning for next week though." I wonder what she's up to now...


~8~

Chapter Three (eventually): Quidditch Equipment!

Big thanks to LaurieM. for beta-ing!

Big thanks to also all those kind people who reviewed the first chapter and encouraged me to write this silly tale. I hope it doesn't disappoint. And in answer to those people who have asked- no, I am NOT a jock myself. I'm making this up. Any similarity to any witches you may know is purely accidental. Although if I know you and you self-identify as a jock, then yeah, this is totally riffed off of you. Suck it up, girlfriend. =)