Chapter Five: Angels Battling Demons
Sucking in a deep breath, my heart and soul basked in the warmth of the emerald-eyed boy's insightful writing.
Dearest Spirit,
Please forgive me for not possessing enough bravery to approach you with what I have to say. I can only hope that you will open your heart to me a few minutes while I take the time to express my feelings…the same emotions that tear at my soul, wishing to be vocalized at some point or another.
It has taken me months to come to terms with the thoughts I have about you, to actually accept them without immediately discarding them from my mind. The more I try to tell myself you just aren't interested in me, the more miserable I become. I can't deny the truth anymore…my heart won't let me. I can't lie to myself and pretend everything is fine, when in all reality, it isn't. Hiding my feelings doesn't work for me, either…I nearly lose control of my head.
Even the world of painting doesn't provide the solitude I seek from the emotions I have. As I sit in front of my canvas these days, attempting to create another picture, you steal my line of sight. All I can see is an image of you, blinding me from everyone and everything else around me. You are the only masterpiece I want to re-create and bring to life with my paintbrush, but I know in my soul that your radiance can never be duplicated. I could try to sculpt a picture of you in my sketchbook, but any drawing I do would pale in comparison to whatever my pencil produced. Your extravagance, your beauty…I can't describe to you how wonderful you are. My own literature fails to capture the sweet essence of your spirit, and no simile or metaphor in this realm could do you justice. Oh, sweet goddess of romance, save me…help me not to lose my mind in a raging sea of longing.
My bed feels so cold without you here tonight. The strings of my soul are painfully strummed every time you leave me alone. I fall victim to the demons of my brain, all they comfort me with is sneering faces and acerbic sentences. I'm bound and chained by them to my bed, lying naked and vulnerable to their abusive remarks. Through all their lies, I found at least one truth: I'm not as strong as I want to be, and I can't even save myself, much less some beautiful stranger that appeared out of no where on my doorstep. I won't lose hope, though, and I'll never be stripped of my faith. I may not be able to chase the hell's angels out of my head, but I can try to help someone else. The individual I choose to lend my wings to is you.
This letter is accompanied with far more than some velvet box with a ring inside. It represents something so precious, so utterly priceless, that no amount of money could ever be placed on it. The vows I make to you in this note surpass the value of any price tag and any extent of power that could be handed willingly to one individual alone. My silent angel that descended from on high, I wish to give you my wings so that I can see you fly once more. Let me free that saintly voice of yours so that I may join in your divine chorus. Allow me to dance with you in a never-ending waltz of eternity, where only the gods themselves would be there to proclaim our ever-lasting praises. Gorgeous spirit of my desire, I cannot refer to you as an object or item of some mad infatuation. I wish to have your fingers twined between mine so that I can gaze into your starlit orbs beneath the moon and distant planets. There is nothing I want more than to recite poetry to you as often as you would like, honoring you to the best of my ability with song-like phrases that I would later set to music. Just looking at you gives me the inspiration to compose luxurious works of art that no museum would be able to wrestle out of my grip. I'll cherish you like the delicate fairy you suppress inside of yourself, giving you the finest of everything you could ever imagine.
My darling, my water nymph, the sunshine in my dark soul, the light of my life, my savior complete…you also can be the destroyer of my existence. You hold the magical capability of granting the first and only wish I'll ever ask of you, or you can vanquish my reason for living all together. And this is where I leave you, in the process of decision making. Please…give me the honor of treasuring you, of adoring you until I draw my final sigh on this plane. Heart, body, soul…all yours to keep. Or yours to conquer. I couldn't ask for a more exquisite birthday gift than to hold your hand in a charming cathedral, whispering the same three little words that I've been trying to develop the courage to communicate to you.
I love you.
Eternal Love, Peace, and Happiness,
Ryou Bakura
"It's all right, Yami." Yugi soothed, his eyes as watery as mine. Wrapping his little arms around me, he stroked my silver tresses gently. "Everything is going to be all right."
"He really did love me…" I choked between sniffles, holding onto the spiky-haired boy as hard as I could. "and I never knew it. I was so damned clueless! Why did I think he was just experiencing some obsessive fascination with me? Why couldn't I have been more receptive to his feelings?"
"I don't know." said the magenta-eyed teen, wiping the tears from my face. "Those are questions only you can answer at this point."
"Yes, I realize as much." I replied, staring at the grass below. Fiddling with the petals of a dandelion, I gazed up at the petite adolescent with dark shiny eyes.
"What is it, Spirit?" asked Yugi, studying the intensity of the look I was giving him. "You seem to have something on your mind."
"You're right, Little One, I do." I agreed, my glittering orbs focused solely on him.
He cocked his head to the side, a gesture to show me that he was interested in what I had to say.
"It's a confession."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes…I have to tell someone about it soon, or--" unable to complete my sentence, I let my voice trail off into the wind.
"Or what will happen, Spirit?" the magenta-eyed boy asked, lines of concern creasing his brow.
"You don't want to know, trust me on this one."
Regarding me coolly, the tiny teenager said, "Okay, I guess I'm just going to have to trust you. Whatever feels right to you, just do it."
Plucking one of the yellow petals from the flower I was playing with, I held it in front of my visage. "I've been completely intolerable to Ryou throughout my entire relationship with him. Every pathetic action you can name, I have been guilty of committing almost all of them against him. I've cut him, slapped him, beat him so badly that--that I--"a tear rolled down my cheek as I spoke, forcing me to lower my head. For moral support, Yugi placed his hand over mine and gave it a small squeeze. Flashing him a half-hearted grin, I found enough strength to continue my speech. "H--he was just like the flowers in this meadow…calm, sensitive, absolutely beautiful to behold in dawn's morning light. Bakura flourished only in the sunshine, a requirement that all pretty plants have to abide by so that they can maintain their flawless features. I could have sworn that he actually glowed in the springtime sun, like a sweet shining angel searching for his wings. A fallen angel, at that." I breathed while another large drop of water fell onto my skin. "The utter irony of it all…a child of heaven's sanctuary risking his life for someone that hell could not handle and cast out of its fiery pit."
Losing control of my emotions, I let a mournful cry escape my lips. Falling onto the spiky-haired boy's lap, I covered my face with my hands as my body shuddered with sobs. Bakura's blood, tears, screams and sorrow gripped me with blinding pain, causing me to get a migraine headache. Everything on me hurt, from my throbbing head to my sore, cramping sides. As much as I didn't want to, I welcomed the misery, the feelings of worthlessness and total uselessness. I deserved to be labeled as such, since I had delivered similar mental and physical anguish to my harmless hikari. Attempting to console me in his loving embrace, the young duelist rocked me back and forth.
"There, there now. Don't dwell on what happened, Spirit." soothed Yugi, caressing the side of my visage. "Just relax where you are."
"Relax?!" I sniffed, looking at the magenta-eyed teen with blurred vision. "How can I just sit here and relax? I should be killing myself instead of allowing you to comfort me!"
"Don't say that."
"Why not?"
"Because that isn't something Bakura would want to hear."
"I'm better off crucified, though." I insisted miserably, scratching my flesh with my nails.
Halting my self-mutilation efforts by grabbing my cat-like claws, Yugi tore my hand off of my arm. "I'm not going to sit and watch you destroy yourself today, Yami."
"Then get out of this place and leave me alone." I snapped, struggling out of the small boy's solid grip.
"Make me." said the petite adolescent defiantly, holding me to the dusty earth.
Glowering at him with dark crazed eyes, I remained sprawled on top of the soil. "How charming…a feisty version of the King of Games himself. Are you introducing me to one of your boyfriend's bedtime games, or did you think of this one all by yourself?"
Gritting his teeth in a feral fashion, the magenta-eyed teen raised one of his hands at me. In a terrible fit of rage, he struck me with an open palm. Stunned into submission, I felt the heat in my face rise, one of my cheeks was burning from where the high school boy hit me. Staring at me in icy anger, the spiky-haired child kept his canine teeth bared, equipped to attack me if I made any sudden movements.
"Ready to listen yet, or am I going to have to deal with you the hard way?" said Yugi, his tone as venomous as a pit viper's disposition.
I nodded my head, too dazed to make a sound.
"Good. Just because you're pissed at yourself for screwing up too many times doesn't give you the right to trash someone else's reputation. Pharaoh is not only my lover, but my best friend, too. He has never failed me and will always stand by my side, no matter what. You had the perfect opportunity to have the same for yourself, but you threw it away because you were too damned stupid to cherish what was right in front of your nose. Ryou practically gave you every waking moment of his teenage life in an attempt to try to make you happy. While Joey and Seto insulted you with names I never want to hear again, Bakura constantly stuck up for you. When you sent him to the hospital looking like a voodoo doll, he covered for you by faking a smile and suppressing his tears. Everyone knew the truth about what was going on between the both of you, but your hikari denied it by blatantly lying to us just to save your sorry ass from hard time in prison. And how did you repay him?"
Biting down on my lower lip, I kept my mouth shut.
"That's right, you repaid him with the cold shoulder." spat the little adolescent, his hot breath scalding my flesh. "You did things to him that even the most horrible gods of the underworld would never even dream of doing. And why did you do it? Because you're afraid, Yami. You're so freaking scared that there was someone on this plane who wanted to get close to you and get to know you. I don't know what universe you're functioning in, but this is the real world. You can't close yourself off in your own separate realm and expect everyone around you to not give a damn. This is life, Spirit, and you can do one of two things: you can live it, or spend your whole existence hiding behind elaborate stations in your mind and regret how you ended up being a solitary desert hermit. The choice is yours."
With that much said, the tiny teenager let go of my wrists. Rubbing my sore skin with a couple of my fingertips, I mulled over his harsh speech. I wanted to shout at him that everything he had just stated was completely wrong and that it was a lie, but I couldn't. He was as accurate as Bakura had been that rainy night in December, his words were painful enough to give me whiplash. Moving into an upright position, I studied the light and dark hues in the sky. Even the heavens themselves seemed to be in a great battle, fluffy pink and orange clouds clashed with the ever-elusive depths of midnight. Lucifer and God were waging war against each other once more, fighting for the right to claim the atmosphere surrounding us.
"Are you phasing out on me?" asked Yugi, perplexed by my change in behavior.
"No, I'm just thinking." I replied, my head turned towards the direction of the sky.
"About?"
"Heaven and hell."
"Anything in specific?"
Shrugging indifferently, I replied, "Not really. I was idly wondering whether or not God gave Ryou his wings yet, or if the carefree child has been appointed to be someone's guardian angel."
Giving me a tender smile, the spiky-haired boy said, "You already know the answer to that one." Picking himself off the ground, he added, "I like to imagine that he's here with us right now, watching over us as we speak."
Nodding my assent, I accepted the offer of his extended limb. "I believe so, too. He must be the reason this pasture is absolutely remarkable. Only Bakura could help a field of flowers to be as radiant as this."
"It must be a reflection of his personality, then." agreed the magenta-eyed teen, pulling back one of his shirt sleeves. Underneath the starched material lay a hand watch that appeared to be a quartz crystal model. Turning on the night-light of the accessory, he read the time it displayed. "Oh, sweet Goddess Isis, it's pushing six o'clock! I better go!"
"Why? What's the rush?"
"Um, Seto's birthday celebration is at eight, and me and my boyfriend are going to go buy him something." smiled the spiky-haired child, flicking his watch off.
"Really?"
"Yep. Jounouchi, Tea, and Mai are going to be there, too. Me and Pharaoh did the planning for this get-together, and we sent out the invitations a week ago."
"Do you have any last-minute decorations you need to set up or anything? I mean, if you have all the help you need, then that's fine, too--"
"You wanna come with?" Yugi suddenly asked, plucking his car keys from his pocket.
"What did you say?"
"You wouldn't inquire about the whole thing if you didn't want to attend." explained the petite adolescent, checking his phone for recent messages. "If you'd like to go, I'd be more than happy to take you there."
"Are you sure it's okay with everyone?" I questioned him, my expression nervous and anxiety-ridden. "I don't want to wreck a perfectly good evening--"
"Do you plan to?"
"Well, no--"
"Then it's settled." declared the small teenager, snapping his cell closed. "Both of us will go shopping together with Pharaoh and meet the rest of the gang at Kaiba's mansion. Sound good to you?"
"It's the best news I've heard in a while." I replied, a little grin tugging at the corners of my mouth.
"Same here." agreed Yugi, running down the dirt path to get to his automobile. "Let's get a move on, or my lover's gonna serve me as a main course instead of the boiled lobsters he imported from Italy."
Laughing at his remark, I quickly followed after him. In the distance, I heard the cry of a bird echo through the pasture. Furrowing my brow in confusion, I peered over my shoulder at Ryou's resting place. There, perched atop the silver granite of Bakura's burial chamber, resided a rare animal I had not seen since my hikari was playing outside with it.
"No, it can't be…"I breathed in surprise as my eyes widened to an enormous degree. "I haven't seen that bird since--since my counterpart perished."
Turning back around, I approached the creature slowly as I regarded it with a steely gaze. As soon as I neared the winged being, it ruffled its feathers at me and began to dance awkwardly on the stony surface it stood on.
"If you don't recognize me, then you must not be who I thought you were." I sighed wistfully, kicking a rock off of my other half's tomb.
Before I could watch the stone roll into another portion of the field, the bird cawed at me. Facing the creature once again, I held my hand out, attempting to pet it. Without warning, the brilliant bird flew straight up from its location on Bakura's grave and landed on my arm. Taken aback by the winged being's bizarre behavior, I stood in silent shock. What did this thing want with me? And just what in all the names of the gods was it doing in this area? Almost as if it could read my thoughts, the creature opened its beak over my hand. A silver wedding band dropped onto my waiting palm, the cold metal of the piece of jewelry sent small shivers up my back. Narrowing my eyes, I scooped up the ring with my middle finger. It was a perfect fit, for the band slid right into place on my skin. For some reason, I had unintentionally waylaid the piece of jewelry during my visit to the cemetery here with Yugi.
Smiling sadly at the bird, I held my hand up for it to see my new accessory. "Thanks, I couldn't have left without this."
Cawing at me once more, the winged being flew back to its lonely post on my hikari's sepulcher. It ruffled its feathers again, this time in a more proud and distinguished manner.
"Are you going to watch over Ryou as he sleeps here?" I asked with a hint of a grin returning to my lips. "That will be a severely isolated task, so you might want to find somewhere else to go and someone to be with."
Without heeding my advice, the determined creature remained where it was.
"Oh, well. It's your call, so do what you want." I said, turning away from it. "You have my hikari's spirit, so you'll roam wherever your wings will carry you."
As I started off through the flora and fauna to catch up with the magenta-eyed boy, I paused in mid-step. A single question was still wearing on my mind, aching to be vocalized.
Spinning on my heel to see the bird, I asked, "Tell me, dear friend…does Ryou have his wings yet?"
Looking at me with gold streaked orbs, the winged being straightened. Spreading its wings out for me to see, the bird floated above Bakura's burial place.
Smiling for the first time in complete happiness, I said, "That's what I hoped for."
At the edge of the cemetery, a car horn blared. "Come on, Yami!" called Yugi at the top of his lungs, revving up the engine of his Honda Prelude. "We gotta go or we're gonna miss the arrival of all the good junk food!"
"All right, I'm coming!" I cried, my voice reverberating through the flower-filled clearing.
Placing a straight hand at my brow, I snapped a salute at the messenger between the land of the living and the realm of the dead before I ran off in the direction of the sunset.
/In the love that we have made before time./