The Last Battle
(A/N: You sometimes hear about fights in the fanfics but never like this…)
(A/N: I don't own Redwall. Would the great Brian Jaques write something this bad? No. By the way, I am insane)
(A/N: If you are subject to any sort of disease of any sort, no matter how mild, don't read this. If you die it's your own fault.)
The Last Battle (But not really)
Narator: This is the insane story by Shade the otter. She has also wroten a romance with Mariel and Dandin called What Is Lost Can Be Found. Its sucks. It's not insane though.
Shade: Hey shutup!
Narator: You hired me to introduce the story!
Shade: But not to insult it!
(A brief scuffle in the background in which the Narator is fine and Shade is covered in cuts and bruises and is being sat on.)
Narator: Anyways on with the story. This is set in the Redwall Kitchen. It is dark and all the Redwallers are asleep in their beds with visions of sugarplums dancing though their heads…
Martin (The one who was in love with Rose) Crept into the kitchen and picked up a mushroom and berry cake piece. (Yummy…) 'Who said ghosts don't eat?' He asked himself munching on the cake. Suddenly a ghost floated into the kitchen. It was (or is?) Cluny the Scourge!
'Well well well Martin. You crept! Ghost can only glide! How could you break this rule to all of ghostkind! I will kill you like you killed me!'
'I never killed you' pointed out Martin.
'Oh ya… sorry about that. Toodle pip!' said Cluny waving his claws at Martin 'Got to go haunt Matthias'
'Have a good time' said Martin, turning to his cake.
Suddenly Badrang glided into the room. Pointing a finger at Martin he said 'Well well well Martin. You crept! Ghost can only glide! How could you break this rule to all of ghostkind! I will kill you like you killed me!'
'Finally the right animal' sighed Martin picking up a mushroom flan as Badrang picked up a mushroom pancake.
Narator: It was the winter of the Mushrooms or is Shade more insane than I thought?
Shade: The winter? And you call me insane?
'Excuse me' said Badrang 'Please let us finish the stupid story'
Shade: Hey!
'Sorry' said Martin shoving a mushroom coated candied chestnut in Shades mouth 'Now, on with the story!'
'Yes. Anyways, you know the penalty for Creeping is a food fight till one of the beasts fighting gives in. I plan to win!' said Badrang
'I will win this for Rose!' said Martin
'Go martin my brave warrior!' cried Rose from the sidelines
'Hey I want a cheerleader to!' complained Badrang
'Go Badrang' cried a weird looking vixen called Dead Blob (DB) 'I foresee you will (says not under her breath) win!'
Narator: On with the battle!
Martin threw his mushroom flan at Badrang, hitting him on the forepaw
'How dare you' cried Badrang throwing his pancake and hitting Martin in the face
'My beautiful snout!' cried Martin, ripping out a hand mirror and checking his fur and brushing some in place with a small hand comb.
'Muhaha!' Badrang laughed insanely. 'I messed up your fur!' Suddenly Martin whipped around holding the pail of mushroom-coated chestnuts
'Hahaha!' Martin laughed 'I'll get you with these!' and then he started pelting Badrang with the chestnuts. 'Ouch!' cried Badrang 'ouch, no stop! Please!' Martin stopped throwing chestnuts and grinned triumphantly. Suddenly Badrang grabbed the mushroom and berry cake, and picking up the entire thing, he hurled it at Martin. Martin went down heavily, covered from snout to tail in the disgusting cake.
'No Martin!' screamed Rose
"Yes Badrang' yelled DB 'Muhahahhahahaha! You will win and we will take over Redwall!'
'Um Dumb Blob, I'm already dead. I can't do that.' Said Badrang
'Oh ya, sorry, I kinda forgot.' said DB
During this conversation, Martin had gotten out of the cake a picked up a HUGE mushroom trifle. He was sneaking up behind Badrang and started to slam it down on his he-
Shade: Badrang, Look out!
'Huh?' said Badrang, turning around
Narator: Shut up Shade. You ruin everything. You and your big mouth. Sheesh, why did I let you hire me? I quit!
(In this part the Narator gets up and storms off, slamming the door behind her.)
Shade: Anyways…
'Huh?' said Badrang, turning around right when Martin slammed the trifle down, covering Badrang in the goop. Then he got the rest of the chestnuts and stuck them in his mouth, ears and nose.
'I…give…up…' said Badrang weakly 'You win'
'Oh Martin!' said Rose 'I knew you would win!'
Suddenly Friar Hugo came ambling into the kitchen, wiping the sleep out of his eyes. Martin, Rose, Badrang and Dumb Blob all disappeared.
'What the?' said Friar Hugo 'BASIL STAG HARE COME HERE RIGHT NOW!'