TITLE: In The Darkest Place of my Soul
AUTHOR: Michelle Birkby
SPOILERS: 100 days, Shades of grey
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season 3
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: character death
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES; Yes, I know Tech Davis is a man. However, at the time of writing, there was also another Tecnician Davis who was a woman.
JACK.
"Oh God. Oh God no.". It's not blasphemy, I'm praying. For the first time since Charlie died, I'm praying, kneeling in a pool of Sam's blood, next to her lifeless body. Her eyes are open, staring into nothing, a gash gaping grotesquely across her throat. I feel sick, yet I reach forward into the blood, calling her name, desperately trying to stem the red tide already congealing on the floor, desperately trying to pull her back to life.
Then a tiny, but strong hand closes around my wrist, and pulls me back. Janet. She falls to the floor beside her friend gently. "Get him out of here." she calls to someone behind me. I know Janet is right, I should leave, let Janet do what she can, I know she is about to do things to Sam I don't want to see, yet I cannot leave, I can't leave her like this. But someone, Teal'c I think, drags me away, screaming.
That was the scene that's played in my head a thousand times an hour since the day I found her, two days ago.
MAJOR JAMES MULLER.
Well, this is fun...not. Jowell and I are NID troubleshooters, smart, discreet, loyal, sent to sort out the things that you don't need to know about. We're used to being sent to strange places and meeting some odd people. (There's that geek in the FBI...but lets not get into that right now. Cute partner though).
But until two days ago, we never knew this place existed. Then all of a sudden we're told, yes,there are aliens on other planets (guess the geek was right), we have a gateway to those planets, totally sealed within a mountain, and one of the hotshot/heroes/all round good guys/women has been murdered, and we're to solve it. Discreetly. And, oh yeah, one of the possible suspects is one of the afore mentioned aliens.
Nice.
So we got here yesterday, to find the body had already been autopsied, sealed up, and sent to the family. The doc. did a good job, but we like to be at an autopsy, so Jowell demanded we see the body. The doc. blew up (for a little woman she sure has a big temper), said no-one was touching her best friend's body - her daughter's godmother for crying out loud - and if we have a problem with this we can take it up with Major-General Hammond. All this with a very large stone-faced guy standing right behind her, someone giving us the impression that if we so much as speak harshly to her, he'll rip us to shreds. So we left it.
It's odd, but the whole base seems devastated. People move slowly, as if through treacle. I catch snatches of conversation; 'Do you remember when?', 'Sam always said..'. I've never seen a whole base react to the death of a colleague with such shock, such utter and complete sorrow. I wonder if she knew how very much she was loved.
JACK.
I should be writing a mission report, writing up the whole Makepeace thing, in such a way as to pile as much of the blame onto Maybourne as possible. But every time I pick up a pen, I drift off into seeing that scene, her death, over and over again. I remember when Charlie died. I remember going on crazier and crazier missions in a vain attempt to get myself killed. It's different this time. I don't want to get myself killed. I want to actually physically kill myself, drive the knife home, in an attempt to kill the pain, to stop it hurting, to stop remembering how bad the last few months were, that she died never knowing how I felt, that she was loved.
But I don't. If there is a an afterlife..and I'm still not convinced about that, I know Sam would be bitterly disappointed in me, for taking the easy way out. And sometimes, over the past few years, her good opinion of me is all that's kept me going.
It is true, what I said. I haven't been myself since I met her. And I wish I'd told her that that was the best thing that happened to me.
MULLER
Well, they're not happy with us being here - seems they've had some trouble with NID lately. Can't say I blame them, some of us are not very nice guys, and they don't like us sticking our nose in their business. Problem is, the base was sealed off, so no-one could have come in to commit the murder. It had to be one of them. We've at least narrowed down the suspects.
Teal'c; he's an alien. We know nothing about him, how he thinks, how he reacts. Mind you, this is mostly Jowell's prejudice talking here.
Daniel Jackson; Close to Major Carter. A guard that saw him talking to some guy called Apophis says that he could be dangerous if really pushed.
Graham Simmons; known to have a major crush on Major Carter (no pun intended.)
Jack O'Neill; Close to Major Carter, but recently their relationship had become strained. He can be dangerous, described as being 'close to the edge' by his wife before he left on the first Stargate mission. Was heard arguing with Carter an hour before her body was discovered...by him.
I've only just noticed...a lot of our suspects are on the list because they were known to have loved Major Carter. It's an odd job I do, where love is a motive for murder.
And why only men? Well, there's a reason.
JACK.
"She'd been getting letters." Daniel said. He'd come to try and drag me out of this deep depression I'd fallen into, but when I asked him for the hundredth time if he knew why anyone would want to murder Sam (me yeah, but Sam?) he finally told me.
"What kind of letters?"
"Romantic ones at first. Anonymous love letters. You know -you don't know me, but I've admired you from afar - that sort of things. We couldn't work out who was sending them.".
"She didn't mention it." and that fact hurt, that we'd drifted so far apart that she couldn't tell me what worried her.
"It was just after you got back from Adorra. You two weren't ... getting on too well." That was Daniel, tactful as usual. Truth was, we'd avoided each other like the plague. I wish I could remember why now. There'd seemed a good reason at the time.
"Go on.".
"Well, during all that Makepeace stuff, while you were ....unreachable, the letters changed. They started getting more threatening. He started to threaten physical violence, or worse, against her. He mentioned the names of her friends, threatening them too, Janet, even Cassie. And Sam started to feel like someone had been in her quarters, or her lab. Things were moved, her diary went missing for a day. We discovered that someone had been in Cassie's quarters too. We placed Cassie in protection, but Sam refused protection for herself. She pointed out that she was a soldier, she could protect herself.
And then...and then....".
Daniel stopped, and swallowed. He turned away, taking of his glasses and wiping his eyes.
She'd gone through all that. She must have been terrified, not just for herself, but for Cassie and Janet. And yet, she never felt once that she could talk to me. Ask for my help. She'd merely coped by herself, and at that one, brief moment when she suddenly realised she needed help, I wasn't there.
It was like she'd been murdered a second time, and I'd done it.
****
JAMES MULLER.
We started the interviews today, in our attempt to discover which of these men murdered her. I say man...our first interviewee was an alien.
Teal'c.
Now, I'm not one of those men who automatically assume that just because a guy's from another planet, and used to serve some guy who'd like to kill the lot of us, that he's a bad guy. Jowell, on the other hand....
So how do you interview a six-foot tall warrior alien?
Carefully.
He wasn't a talkative man...alien...Jaffa. I restrained myself from telling him that Jaffa was the name of a particularly yummy cake where my parents came from, and instead listened to Jowell talk a lot to him to finally establish that at the time of death, Teal'c had been with Dr. Frasier and her daughter. That was him off the list then. But Jowell, who fancies himself as a bit of a forensic psychologist, couldn't resist asking just a little more.
"How do you feel about Sam's death?".
"I owe a debt of protection to SG1. For over two years I have guarded them from all who would harm them. I have failed.".
Jowell nodded sagely, as if he understood what the Jaffa was talking about.
"How did you feel about being commanded by a woman?".
Dumb question. But Teal'c thought for a second, as if the thought had never occurred to him, then said,
"I respected Major Carter. I found her to be a warrior equal to my master, and a fine scholar. Most of all, she gave me her friendship and her trust, unconditionally. I shall mourn her a long long time.".
JACK
I found myself roaming the base. I couldn't settle. I couldn't sit down, or stand anywhere, without the memory of her intruding. There was where she built the naquada generator, there where she saw me kiss her double, there where we stuffed desserts down our throat, there where I told her that I hadn't been myself since I met her....that memory was only a few weeks old. Before I knew what I had. Life went on around me, but I was stuck in my bubble of self-pity and self-loathing, unable to do anything, to think anything, just to drift aimlessly.
But as I walked down yet another cold grey corridor, it was as if the memory came to life. I heard her voice, clear as anything, laughingly saying,
"Since when have you been a geologist?".
"It's a hobby." Daniel replied.
"Hobby? So you spend your working hours underground, surrounded by musty old rocks and you relax by....working underground, studying rocks?"
She was laughing, teasing him, alive, I could hear her voice, so tantalisingly close. Maybe it never happened, maybe it was a trick, a game, like I'd played with Maybourne only a few days ago. I ran down the corridor to Daniel's door. Inside, I could see Sam, vital, bright...on the screen.
Daniel had been watching the video of our trip to Adorra. I was in the background, talking to Lara, utterly unaware of Sam and Daniel joking together as he played with his rocks.
Daniel didn't see me. He was blinded by the tears running down his face. I hadn't seen him like this since he'd lost Sha're.
I wasn't the only one who'd lost her. I wasn't alone in my misery. Maybe it was about time I stopped wallowing in guilt and despair, and figured out who took her from us.
JAMES MULLER.
Graham Simmons was next. A nice boy, nervous, eyes red with weeping. He looked like he couldn't stamp on a an ant, let alone kill anyone...but a lot of killers look like that. He kept grasping and clasping his hands, wringing them together until they were red and sore.
"How did you feel about Major Carter?".
Jowell, right to the jugular as usual.
"I...I respect her. She's...she was my commanding officer. And a brilliant scientist. I mean..her mind..it was like...watching her think was like watching lightning flash. Beautiful, but scary." He stammered to a halt, aware that his enthusiasm for her was obvious.
"That's not what I meant, Lieutenant Simmons." Jowell said gently, if inexorably. SImmons stared at him, then dropped his head. His cheeks turned redder and redder, until I could feel the heat radiating from him.
"Okay, I had a little crush on....".
"LITTLE crush?"
"Okay, a huge crush. But I never said anything. Nothing happened, I swear.".
"We believe you." said Jowell, as he wrote 'motive' on a pad and pushed it towards me.
"You are aware that at the time of Major's Carter's death, the camera surveillance system mysteriously failed?".
"Yes Sir.".
"Who would be capable of orchestrating such a failure?".
"Well, Siler, Tech. Davis, I suppose. She could have."
"Jack O'Neill?".
"I don't think so. He's not so hot with computers.".
"You?".
"Well yes...but..." his voice suddenly trailed off as he realised the implication. He stopped grasping his hands, and his eyes widened. He sat up straight and stared Jowell direct into his eyes. The boy was becoming a man in front of us.
"I was with Sgt. Siler in the gateroom at the time of the murder. Several people saw us there, including General Hammond. I believe that eliminates both us and Tech. Davis, who was also there.".
He snapped off a salute, and left.
"And then there were two.". I said.
Daniel Jackson. Well, he looked like a scientist. Mild expression, expressive face., intelligent eyes, very active hands. As he walked in , Jowell glanced at me and raised his brows. I could see he didn't think of the archaeologist.
But I looked closer at Dr. Jackson. I saw the watchful eyes, the firm line to the jaw, and thought, that under the right circumstances, he might possibly be very very dangerous...
AUTHOR: Michelle Birkby
SPOILERS: 100 days, Shades of grey
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season 3
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: character death
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES; Yes, I know Tech Davis is a man. However, at the time of writing, there was also another Tecnician Davis who was a woman.
JACK.
"Oh God. Oh God no.". It's not blasphemy, I'm praying. For the first time since Charlie died, I'm praying, kneeling in a pool of Sam's blood, next to her lifeless body. Her eyes are open, staring into nothing, a gash gaping grotesquely across her throat. I feel sick, yet I reach forward into the blood, calling her name, desperately trying to stem the red tide already congealing on the floor, desperately trying to pull her back to life.
Then a tiny, but strong hand closes around my wrist, and pulls me back. Janet. She falls to the floor beside her friend gently. "Get him out of here." she calls to someone behind me. I know Janet is right, I should leave, let Janet do what she can, I know she is about to do things to Sam I don't want to see, yet I cannot leave, I can't leave her like this. But someone, Teal'c I think, drags me away, screaming.
That was the scene that's played in my head a thousand times an hour since the day I found her, two days ago.
MAJOR JAMES MULLER.
Well, this is fun...not. Jowell and I are NID troubleshooters, smart, discreet, loyal, sent to sort out the things that you don't need to know about. We're used to being sent to strange places and meeting some odd people. (There's that geek in the FBI...but lets not get into that right now. Cute partner though).
But until two days ago, we never knew this place existed. Then all of a sudden we're told, yes,there are aliens on other planets (guess the geek was right), we have a gateway to those planets, totally sealed within a mountain, and one of the hotshot/heroes/all round good guys/women has been murdered, and we're to solve it. Discreetly. And, oh yeah, one of the possible suspects is one of the afore mentioned aliens.
Nice.
So we got here yesterday, to find the body had already been autopsied, sealed up, and sent to the family. The doc. did a good job, but we like to be at an autopsy, so Jowell demanded we see the body. The doc. blew up (for a little woman she sure has a big temper), said no-one was touching her best friend's body - her daughter's godmother for crying out loud - and if we have a problem with this we can take it up with Major-General Hammond. All this with a very large stone-faced guy standing right behind her, someone giving us the impression that if we so much as speak harshly to her, he'll rip us to shreds. So we left it.
It's odd, but the whole base seems devastated. People move slowly, as if through treacle. I catch snatches of conversation; 'Do you remember when?', 'Sam always said..'. I've never seen a whole base react to the death of a colleague with such shock, such utter and complete sorrow. I wonder if she knew how very much she was loved.
JACK.
I should be writing a mission report, writing up the whole Makepeace thing, in such a way as to pile as much of the blame onto Maybourne as possible. But every time I pick up a pen, I drift off into seeing that scene, her death, over and over again. I remember when Charlie died. I remember going on crazier and crazier missions in a vain attempt to get myself killed. It's different this time. I don't want to get myself killed. I want to actually physically kill myself, drive the knife home, in an attempt to kill the pain, to stop it hurting, to stop remembering how bad the last few months were, that she died never knowing how I felt, that she was loved.
But I don't. If there is a an afterlife..and I'm still not convinced about that, I know Sam would be bitterly disappointed in me, for taking the easy way out. And sometimes, over the past few years, her good opinion of me is all that's kept me going.
It is true, what I said. I haven't been myself since I met her. And I wish I'd told her that that was the best thing that happened to me.
MULLER
Well, they're not happy with us being here - seems they've had some trouble with NID lately. Can't say I blame them, some of us are not very nice guys, and they don't like us sticking our nose in their business. Problem is, the base was sealed off, so no-one could have come in to commit the murder. It had to be one of them. We've at least narrowed down the suspects.
Teal'c; he's an alien. We know nothing about him, how he thinks, how he reacts. Mind you, this is mostly Jowell's prejudice talking here.
Daniel Jackson; Close to Major Carter. A guard that saw him talking to some guy called Apophis says that he could be dangerous if really pushed.
Graham Simmons; known to have a major crush on Major Carter (no pun intended.)
Jack O'Neill; Close to Major Carter, but recently their relationship had become strained. He can be dangerous, described as being 'close to the edge' by his wife before he left on the first Stargate mission. Was heard arguing with Carter an hour before her body was discovered...by him.
I've only just noticed...a lot of our suspects are on the list because they were known to have loved Major Carter. It's an odd job I do, where love is a motive for murder.
And why only men? Well, there's a reason.
JACK.
"She'd been getting letters." Daniel said. He'd come to try and drag me out of this deep depression I'd fallen into, but when I asked him for the hundredth time if he knew why anyone would want to murder Sam (me yeah, but Sam?) he finally told me.
"What kind of letters?"
"Romantic ones at first. Anonymous love letters. You know -you don't know me, but I've admired you from afar - that sort of things. We couldn't work out who was sending them.".
"She didn't mention it." and that fact hurt, that we'd drifted so far apart that she couldn't tell me what worried her.
"It was just after you got back from Adorra. You two weren't ... getting on too well." That was Daniel, tactful as usual. Truth was, we'd avoided each other like the plague. I wish I could remember why now. There'd seemed a good reason at the time.
"Go on.".
"Well, during all that Makepeace stuff, while you were ....unreachable, the letters changed. They started getting more threatening. He started to threaten physical violence, or worse, against her. He mentioned the names of her friends, threatening them too, Janet, even Cassie. And Sam started to feel like someone had been in her quarters, or her lab. Things were moved, her diary went missing for a day. We discovered that someone had been in Cassie's quarters too. We placed Cassie in protection, but Sam refused protection for herself. She pointed out that she was a soldier, she could protect herself.
And then...and then....".
Daniel stopped, and swallowed. He turned away, taking of his glasses and wiping his eyes.
She'd gone through all that. She must have been terrified, not just for herself, but for Cassie and Janet. And yet, she never felt once that she could talk to me. Ask for my help. She'd merely coped by herself, and at that one, brief moment when she suddenly realised she needed help, I wasn't there.
It was like she'd been murdered a second time, and I'd done it.
****
JAMES MULLER.
We started the interviews today, in our attempt to discover which of these men murdered her. I say man...our first interviewee was an alien.
Teal'c.
Now, I'm not one of those men who automatically assume that just because a guy's from another planet, and used to serve some guy who'd like to kill the lot of us, that he's a bad guy. Jowell, on the other hand....
So how do you interview a six-foot tall warrior alien?
Carefully.
He wasn't a talkative man...alien...Jaffa. I restrained myself from telling him that Jaffa was the name of a particularly yummy cake where my parents came from, and instead listened to Jowell talk a lot to him to finally establish that at the time of death, Teal'c had been with Dr. Frasier and her daughter. That was him off the list then. But Jowell, who fancies himself as a bit of a forensic psychologist, couldn't resist asking just a little more.
"How do you feel about Sam's death?".
"I owe a debt of protection to SG1. For over two years I have guarded them from all who would harm them. I have failed.".
Jowell nodded sagely, as if he understood what the Jaffa was talking about.
"How did you feel about being commanded by a woman?".
Dumb question. But Teal'c thought for a second, as if the thought had never occurred to him, then said,
"I respected Major Carter. I found her to be a warrior equal to my master, and a fine scholar. Most of all, she gave me her friendship and her trust, unconditionally. I shall mourn her a long long time.".
JACK
I found myself roaming the base. I couldn't settle. I couldn't sit down, or stand anywhere, without the memory of her intruding. There was where she built the naquada generator, there where she saw me kiss her double, there where we stuffed desserts down our throat, there where I told her that I hadn't been myself since I met her....that memory was only a few weeks old. Before I knew what I had. Life went on around me, but I was stuck in my bubble of self-pity and self-loathing, unable to do anything, to think anything, just to drift aimlessly.
But as I walked down yet another cold grey corridor, it was as if the memory came to life. I heard her voice, clear as anything, laughingly saying,
"Since when have you been a geologist?".
"It's a hobby." Daniel replied.
"Hobby? So you spend your working hours underground, surrounded by musty old rocks and you relax by....working underground, studying rocks?"
She was laughing, teasing him, alive, I could hear her voice, so tantalisingly close. Maybe it never happened, maybe it was a trick, a game, like I'd played with Maybourne only a few days ago. I ran down the corridor to Daniel's door. Inside, I could see Sam, vital, bright...on the screen.
Daniel had been watching the video of our trip to Adorra. I was in the background, talking to Lara, utterly unaware of Sam and Daniel joking together as he played with his rocks.
Daniel didn't see me. He was blinded by the tears running down his face. I hadn't seen him like this since he'd lost Sha're.
I wasn't the only one who'd lost her. I wasn't alone in my misery. Maybe it was about time I stopped wallowing in guilt and despair, and figured out who took her from us.
JAMES MULLER.
Graham Simmons was next. A nice boy, nervous, eyes red with weeping. He looked like he couldn't stamp on a an ant, let alone kill anyone...but a lot of killers look like that. He kept grasping and clasping his hands, wringing them together until they were red and sore.
"How did you feel about Major Carter?".
Jowell, right to the jugular as usual.
"I...I respect her. She's...she was my commanding officer. And a brilliant scientist. I mean..her mind..it was like...watching her think was like watching lightning flash. Beautiful, but scary." He stammered to a halt, aware that his enthusiasm for her was obvious.
"That's not what I meant, Lieutenant Simmons." Jowell said gently, if inexorably. SImmons stared at him, then dropped his head. His cheeks turned redder and redder, until I could feel the heat radiating from him.
"Okay, I had a little crush on....".
"LITTLE crush?"
"Okay, a huge crush. But I never said anything. Nothing happened, I swear.".
"We believe you." said Jowell, as he wrote 'motive' on a pad and pushed it towards me.
"You are aware that at the time of Major's Carter's death, the camera surveillance system mysteriously failed?".
"Yes Sir.".
"Who would be capable of orchestrating such a failure?".
"Well, Siler, Tech. Davis, I suppose. She could have."
"Jack O'Neill?".
"I don't think so. He's not so hot with computers.".
"You?".
"Well yes...but..." his voice suddenly trailed off as he realised the implication. He stopped grasping his hands, and his eyes widened. He sat up straight and stared Jowell direct into his eyes. The boy was becoming a man in front of us.
"I was with Sgt. Siler in the gateroom at the time of the murder. Several people saw us there, including General Hammond. I believe that eliminates both us and Tech. Davis, who was also there.".
He snapped off a salute, and left.
"And then there were two.". I said.
Daniel Jackson. Well, he looked like a scientist. Mild expression, expressive face., intelligent eyes, very active hands. As he walked in , Jowell glanced at me and raised his brows. I could see he didn't think of the archaeologist.
But I looked closer at Dr. Jackson. I saw the watchful eyes, the firm line to the jaw, and thought, that under the right circumstances, he might possibly be very very dangerous...