Not on Your Life!
A Took's Tale
Disclaimer: The Hobbits belong to J. R.R. Tolkien and are not of my creation and I make no money from this or other stories involving them, this is purely a non-profit fiction of my creation in honor of the book & movies. However this storyline is mine.
Thanks for the reviews: Spontly: Thanks for reviewing! I'd like to be able to read something of yours soon, so please get writing!
Koko Kung: Wow! I'm proud. That's the best words I've heard so far! Thank you very much! (Kara J puts on a formal gown and pretends to hold an Oscar) "They like me! They really like me! I'd like to thank the Academy, my manager.."
Storm Elf: I appreciate it when other author's acknowledge that I've reviewed them, so I thought I'd do the same with my work. It I haven't really gotten any critical reviews yet. It would be nice to know what I can improve on for the next chapters or even future stories, but it always great to hear about the things that people really enjoyed.
Death-To-The-Pointy-Eared-One: Tied up Merry. Hmmm, I would have way too much fun with that. Enjoy the next chapter!
Straightjackets-R-Us: I was wondering if anyone would catch on about the title of Chapter 2. You made my day!
Author Babble:
Kara J: (stretch) Chapter four coming up..
Red Demon: Don't you have a math exam to study for?
Kara J: Yeah so do you. I've studied more than you have!
Red Demon: Why are you wasting your time on fan fiction?
Kara J: I have fans to please. You know what happens when the fans aren't happy? NO ONE'S HAPPY!
Red Demon: Screw the fans! It's all about expressing yourself. Who care's what other people think?
Kara J: I write for myself, but I know how much it sucks when you're left wondering how things work out in a story, I don't like doing that too much to people.
Red Demon: When did you become so caring? You're never that nice to me.
Kara J: That's because you're always prattling on about Legolas and how he's so much better than everybody else on the planet, it gets annoying!
Red Demon: (Quietly) No I don't. (Pulls out Legolas poster and snuggles it.)
Kara J: You do and you know it! Quit distracting me!
Chapter Four
Two Stinky Hobbits and A Frodo Out of His Tree! (Sing to the tune of The 12 Days of Christmas)
Frodo heard footsteps outside his room. He sat up in bed and listened. He hadn't slept a wink. He waited until the footsteps were farther away and got out of bed. Frodo opened the door and peeked out. He saw what looked like the top of Merry's shadow. *He's going to the cellar! Wow, that was quick!* Frodo followed, listening.
"AHHHHHH!"
"Got you! You sneaky little cheater! Frodo told me what was going on so I stayed down here to guard the beer!"
"What! You didn't go home? You've been here all night? Frodo said you left!"
Frodo walked into the cellar to find Sam holding Merry's hand behind his back. "I knew you'd be down here sooner or later, Merry."
"Does Pippin know Sam's here?"
"I imagine so. He went to get the second mug of beer remember? He would have found Sam hiding down here."
Merry squirmed. "Can you call off the guard dog Frodo?"
"Sam you can let him go now. I've saved you a piece of pie for your trouble and then you can go home."
"That'd be great Mr. Frodo. I'm awful tired."
"I guess Pippin won then, eh Merry?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you tell him tomorrow? I don't think I could stand listening to him gloat anymore than I have to!" Merry said exasperated.
"Merry, I think I'll let you do the honors. Let's all go upstairs then."
The three hobbits headed back upstairs and Frodo gave Sam his piece of pie and sent him home. Merry went back to bed. He accidentally hit Pippin's cot as he made his way to the bed.
Pippin stirred. "Is it morning already? Just five more minutes Mom." He murmured and fell back asleep.
Merry climbed in between the covers thinking of how he was going to get out of this one.*I've been caught, yes. But Pippin doesn't know it and Frodo is going to let me tell him. I just won't tell him! Frodo won't know the difference and neither will Pip! That's it!* Merry retreated into sleep with a smile on his face.
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The hobbits awoke the next morning to find the ground spotted with puddles and the grass shining. Pippin normally would have enjoyed this except he was bent over the kitchen table holding his head in his hands. The sun was directly in his eyes and he was starting to stink. Pippin squinted. *How much longer is this going to have to go on? I don't know how much more I can handle if Merry doesn't give in. I wonder how Sam is doing?* Frodo walked and shielded his eyes from the sun. Before sitting down he pulled the curtains.
"How'd you sleep Pip?"
Pippin lifted his eyes implying not very well.
"I need clothes Frodo. Can you somehow get me some from home?"
"You can wash them here. I'm too lazy to go and get you clothes."
"Can you ask Pimpernel to get them for me?"
"No! How am I supposed to do that?"
Just then Merry walked out. His shirt and trousers were wrinkled. He squinted "What time is it?"
"Eightish." Frodo replied.
Merry looked down at his armpit and sniffed. "I think I need a bath, Frodo."
"I should've stuck you outside last night with a bar of soap." Frodo replied. Pippin grunted, he was in too much pain to comment.
"The fair hobbit lasses wouldn't have been able to handle the full Meriadoc Brandybuck!" Merry replied with a grin. "They'd all be in love with me, banging down the door wanting to take me to the Green Dragon."
Pippin groaned. Merry's remarks weren't helping his headache. "Think again, Merry. Remember when Pearl, Rosie and Pimpernel stole our clothes when we went swimming at the Ferry? You screamed like a little girl when you thought they had seen you shirtless. "I've been violated!" Pippin imitated a younger Merry screaming.
Frodo started making Porridge while the cousins bickered
Merry blushed. "Easy for you to say! They're your sisters!"
"Rosie isn't."
"Rosie doesn't count; she practically lived at your house until she started working!" Merry retorted.
"Enough!" Frodo shouted. "Let's have breakfast and then I figure out what we can do about clothes." Frodo place the porridge down in front of the boys.
"Porridge! I hate Porridge!" Both cousins shouted.
Frodo rolled his eyes. "Eat it or eat nothing."
"Frodo, you seriously need a woman around here. How do you and Bilbo survive?" Pippin asked
"You two are spoiled. You have mothers and sisters to take care of you. Bilbo couldn't be motherly if he tried." Frodo replied.
Pippin and Merry were silent thinking of Frodo's deceased parents.
"Eat it." Frodo said trying not to think of his mother.
Pippin looked down at his bowl; he was really wanting to go home now.
"What are we going to do about clothes, Frodo?" Pippin asked
"I don't know!" Frodo said exasperated, "You can have baths and then wash your clothes afterward."
"I don't want to wash my clothes!" Merry said, "Why can't we get Pimpernel to get us some more?"
"Because that would possibly get us all in trouble if she was caught. You're going to have to do it yourselves." Frodo replied
Pippin groaned playing with his porridge. *Am I going to lose to Merry? I can't lose to Merry!*
The hobbits finished their food, or at least attempted to finish. Pippin wasn't very hungry for once in his life. He was feeling really sick and just wanted to go home, but couldn't. Frodo looked over Merry, he knew Merry hadn't said anything to Pippin otherwise they'd be long gone out of the house. Pippin left the table and went back to Bilbo's room and crashed on the bed.
"You haven't told Pippin yet have you?"
"Well, no, because there's nothing to tell. I didn't drink anything so you can't say that I lost. I didn't have a chance to drink anything; Sam caught me first when I got down there."
"We all know that you were after the beer, other wise you wouldn't have been down there after we all had gone to bed."
"I was sleep walking. I do it a lot at home."
"You just happened to sleepwalk towards the beer, right?"
"Right!" Merry said relieved
"Wrong! Tell him or I will!"
"You tell him." Merry replied quickly
Frodo rolled his eyes. The two hobbits went to tell Pippin only to find him asleep.
"How can he be asleep already? He just woke up!" Frodo exclaimed.
"Pippin can sleep at anytime. Just give him somewhere soft and he's out like my sisters pipe." Merry whispered. *Yay! He still doesn't know!*
Frodo tried to wake up Pippin. He shouted in his ears, jumped on him, went and poured water on him but nothing worked.
"Help me, Merry! Who cares if you lose, at least you can go home."
"Really now Frodo, surely you must know by now that the only way to wake him up is like this." Merry sat down beside Pippin and calmly said, "You know Pippin, they're giving away beer at the Free Dragon today only. All you can drink."
Pippin sat straight up. "They are! Really!"
"No not really!" Merry said laughing
"Merry has something to tell you Pippin."
"Um yeah.. I...I'm.going to let you have a bath first, enjoy!"
Pippin rolled over. "I don't want to take a bath."
"Aw come on, you'll feel better afterward." Frodo said *Stupid Merry!*
"Taking a bath means having to wash clothes and I don't want to wash clothes." Pip replied
"You're both so lazy! Merry if you would just tell him what you're supposed to tell him, neither of you would have to worry about washing clothes!
Pippin looked up. "Tell me, Merry! Can we go home now?"
Disclaimer: The Hobbits belong to J. R.R. Tolkien and are not of my creation and I make no money from this or other stories involving them, this is purely a non-profit fiction of my creation in honor of the book & movies. However this storyline is mine.
Thanks for the reviews: Spontly: Thanks for reviewing! I'd like to be able to read something of yours soon, so please get writing!
Koko Kung: Wow! I'm proud. That's the best words I've heard so far! Thank you very much! (Kara J puts on a formal gown and pretends to hold an Oscar) "They like me! They really like me! I'd like to thank the Academy, my manager.."
Storm Elf: I appreciate it when other author's acknowledge that I've reviewed them, so I thought I'd do the same with my work. It I haven't really gotten any critical reviews yet. It would be nice to know what I can improve on for the next chapters or even future stories, but it always great to hear about the things that people really enjoyed.
Death-To-The-Pointy-Eared-One: Tied up Merry. Hmmm, I would have way too much fun with that. Enjoy the next chapter!
Straightjackets-R-Us: I was wondering if anyone would catch on about the title of Chapter 2. You made my day!
Author Babble:
Kara J: (stretch) Chapter four coming up..
Red Demon: Don't you have a math exam to study for?
Kara J: Yeah so do you. I've studied more than you have!
Red Demon: Why are you wasting your time on fan fiction?
Kara J: I have fans to please. You know what happens when the fans aren't happy? NO ONE'S HAPPY!
Red Demon: Screw the fans! It's all about expressing yourself. Who care's what other people think?
Kara J: I write for myself, but I know how much it sucks when you're left wondering how things work out in a story, I don't like doing that too much to people.
Red Demon: When did you become so caring? You're never that nice to me.
Kara J: That's because you're always prattling on about Legolas and how he's so much better than everybody else on the planet, it gets annoying!
Red Demon: (Quietly) No I don't. (Pulls out Legolas poster and snuggles it.)
Kara J: You do and you know it! Quit distracting me!
Chapter Four
Two Stinky Hobbits and A Frodo Out of His Tree! (Sing to the tune of The 12 Days of Christmas)
Frodo heard footsteps outside his room. He sat up in bed and listened. He hadn't slept a wink. He waited until the footsteps were farther away and got out of bed. Frodo opened the door and peeked out. He saw what looked like the top of Merry's shadow. *He's going to the cellar! Wow, that was quick!* Frodo followed, listening.
"AHHHHHH!"
"Got you! You sneaky little cheater! Frodo told me what was going on so I stayed down here to guard the beer!"
"What! You didn't go home? You've been here all night? Frodo said you left!"
Frodo walked into the cellar to find Sam holding Merry's hand behind his back. "I knew you'd be down here sooner or later, Merry."
"Does Pippin know Sam's here?"
"I imagine so. He went to get the second mug of beer remember? He would have found Sam hiding down here."
Merry squirmed. "Can you call off the guard dog Frodo?"
"Sam you can let him go now. I've saved you a piece of pie for your trouble and then you can go home."
"That'd be great Mr. Frodo. I'm awful tired."
"I guess Pippin won then, eh Merry?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you tell him tomorrow? I don't think I could stand listening to him gloat anymore than I have to!" Merry said exasperated.
"Merry, I think I'll let you do the honors. Let's all go upstairs then."
The three hobbits headed back upstairs and Frodo gave Sam his piece of pie and sent him home. Merry went back to bed. He accidentally hit Pippin's cot as he made his way to the bed.
Pippin stirred. "Is it morning already? Just five more minutes Mom." He murmured and fell back asleep.
Merry climbed in between the covers thinking of how he was going to get out of this one.*I've been caught, yes. But Pippin doesn't know it and Frodo is going to let me tell him. I just won't tell him! Frodo won't know the difference and neither will Pip! That's it!* Merry retreated into sleep with a smile on his face.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
The hobbits awoke the next morning to find the ground spotted with puddles and the grass shining. Pippin normally would have enjoyed this except he was bent over the kitchen table holding his head in his hands. The sun was directly in his eyes and he was starting to stink. Pippin squinted. *How much longer is this going to have to go on? I don't know how much more I can handle if Merry doesn't give in. I wonder how Sam is doing?* Frodo walked and shielded his eyes from the sun. Before sitting down he pulled the curtains.
"How'd you sleep Pip?"
Pippin lifted his eyes implying not very well.
"I need clothes Frodo. Can you somehow get me some from home?"
"You can wash them here. I'm too lazy to go and get you clothes."
"Can you ask Pimpernel to get them for me?"
"No! How am I supposed to do that?"
Just then Merry walked out. His shirt and trousers were wrinkled. He squinted "What time is it?"
"Eightish." Frodo replied.
Merry looked down at his armpit and sniffed. "I think I need a bath, Frodo."
"I should've stuck you outside last night with a bar of soap." Frodo replied. Pippin grunted, he was in too much pain to comment.
"The fair hobbit lasses wouldn't have been able to handle the full Meriadoc Brandybuck!" Merry replied with a grin. "They'd all be in love with me, banging down the door wanting to take me to the Green Dragon."
Pippin groaned. Merry's remarks weren't helping his headache. "Think again, Merry. Remember when Pearl, Rosie and Pimpernel stole our clothes when we went swimming at the Ferry? You screamed like a little girl when you thought they had seen you shirtless. "I've been violated!" Pippin imitated a younger Merry screaming.
Frodo started making Porridge while the cousins bickered
Merry blushed. "Easy for you to say! They're your sisters!"
"Rosie isn't."
"Rosie doesn't count; she practically lived at your house until she started working!" Merry retorted.
"Enough!" Frodo shouted. "Let's have breakfast and then I figure out what we can do about clothes." Frodo place the porridge down in front of the boys.
"Porridge! I hate Porridge!" Both cousins shouted.
Frodo rolled his eyes. "Eat it or eat nothing."
"Frodo, you seriously need a woman around here. How do you and Bilbo survive?" Pippin asked
"You two are spoiled. You have mothers and sisters to take care of you. Bilbo couldn't be motherly if he tried." Frodo replied.
Pippin and Merry were silent thinking of Frodo's deceased parents.
"Eat it." Frodo said trying not to think of his mother.
Pippin looked down at his bowl; he was really wanting to go home now.
"What are we going to do about clothes, Frodo?" Pippin asked
"I don't know!" Frodo said exasperated, "You can have baths and then wash your clothes afterward."
"I don't want to wash my clothes!" Merry said, "Why can't we get Pimpernel to get us some more?"
"Because that would possibly get us all in trouble if she was caught. You're going to have to do it yourselves." Frodo replied
Pippin groaned playing with his porridge. *Am I going to lose to Merry? I can't lose to Merry!*
The hobbits finished their food, or at least attempted to finish. Pippin wasn't very hungry for once in his life. He was feeling really sick and just wanted to go home, but couldn't. Frodo looked over Merry, he knew Merry hadn't said anything to Pippin otherwise they'd be long gone out of the house. Pippin left the table and went back to Bilbo's room and crashed on the bed.
"You haven't told Pippin yet have you?"
"Well, no, because there's nothing to tell. I didn't drink anything so you can't say that I lost. I didn't have a chance to drink anything; Sam caught me first when I got down there."
"We all know that you were after the beer, other wise you wouldn't have been down there after we all had gone to bed."
"I was sleep walking. I do it a lot at home."
"You just happened to sleepwalk towards the beer, right?"
"Right!" Merry said relieved
"Wrong! Tell him or I will!"
"You tell him." Merry replied quickly
Frodo rolled his eyes. The two hobbits went to tell Pippin only to find him asleep.
"How can he be asleep already? He just woke up!" Frodo exclaimed.
"Pippin can sleep at anytime. Just give him somewhere soft and he's out like my sisters pipe." Merry whispered. *Yay! He still doesn't know!*
Frodo tried to wake up Pippin. He shouted in his ears, jumped on him, went and poured water on him but nothing worked.
"Help me, Merry! Who cares if you lose, at least you can go home."
"Really now Frodo, surely you must know by now that the only way to wake him up is like this." Merry sat down beside Pippin and calmly said, "You know Pippin, they're giving away beer at the Free Dragon today only. All you can drink."
Pippin sat straight up. "They are! Really!"
"No not really!" Merry said laughing
"Merry has something to tell you Pippin."
"Um yeah.. I...I'm.going to let you have a bath first, enjoy!"
Pippin rolled over. "I don't want to take a bath."
"Aw come on, you'll feel better afterward." Frodo said *Stupid Merry!*
"Taking a bath means having to wash clothes and I don't want to wash clothes." Pip replied
"You're both so lazy! Merry if you would just tell him what you're supposed to tell him, neither of you would have to worry about washing clothes!
Pippin looked up. "Tell me, Merry! Can we go home now?"