Split Into Two

By: Neko-chan



Disclaimer: Neko-chan does not own Card Captor Sakura. She is but a poor young girl stuck with a minimum wage job. So why don't you go and sue somebody who actually _has_ money?





Chapter Three

Shhh...

I'll tell you a secret. No one else knows this secret so you'll be the very first person to know this about me. Just until recently, when I discovered that my whole entire childhood was a lie, I thought that I wanted to be a clown when I grew up. Stupid, yes I know. But it's a thing that every child dreams of. That and being a doctor, a firefighter, or a superhero. Now, I'm a superhero. Or, at least, I'm _part_ of a superhero. But I'm not the actual superhero.

It doesn't matter, anyway. I never _wanted_ to be a superhero. All I wanted to be was a clown--and make people laugh. Is that really that much to ask for? All I wanted was to make people happy. I wanted to make people smile. I wanted to go away from each performance knowing that I brightened someone's day. Is that really too much to ask for? But, in the end, it was a child's dream.

And the dreams of children always burst.

I finally grew up. (Would it even be considered growing up since I was never a child?) My dreams burst, much like a soap bubble floating with the wind. It's beautiful to look at--all shimmery and sparkling iridescence. But eventually it does pop. And that magical thing is no more. Dreams are like that, you know. They're beautiful to look at...but rarely stand up against reality. I guess, in a different way than others, I've become jaded.

Maybe Yue's personality is finally showing itself in me? I wonder, sometimes... Do you want to know another secret? Everyone else doesn't know this and even _Yue_ doesn't realize this--I can sense him sometimes, a powerful, sad presence hovering in the back of my mind. He doesn't know that I can sense him. I don't _want_ him to know that I can sense him. It's _my_ secret--one that no one else knows. And no one else will ever find out this particular secret of mine. It is _mine._ All mine.

Sometimes, it's really hard to remember which of us is the reality and which of us is the dream. It's getting harder and harder to think of us as two separate people. I've started to think of ourselves in terms of Yukito-me and Yue-me. It's like we finally becoming merged. But is that even possible--he's the true one and I'm just the facade. How could it be possible that the facade and the real thing become merged? _Is_ is even possible? Until recently, I thought that the answer would be a loud and unchanging: NO. But now... I just don't know anymore.

Did you know that I woke up this morning with a white feather on my pillow? I don't know if Yue left it there deliberately or if it was just an accident--but it was still there nonetheless. And it was the very first thing I received that proved that Yue was real. Even with all the stories that Sakura and Touya told me, it was still hard to comprehend unquestioningly. But now I have something _solid._

Everything they told me...was true.

I wonder what he looks like? Sakura says that he looks like an angel. She tells me that he can be very protective of her. "Like you can be, sometimes, Yukito-san," she tells me with one of her sweet smiles. Does she smile the same way for Yue as she does for me? In a way--I want to know. In another way--I would give up anything and everything that I own to keep that question from being answered. Pathetic, don't you think? But it still remains the same.

Sometimes I wish that I had never found out about Yue. Sometimes I wish I was still forging on through my oblivious bubble. Sometimes I wish that I had never heard the two words that I now hate with the whole of my being--"not human." I hate those two words as I've never hated anything in my whole entire life...or seeming life.

I know that many of my friends think that I hate Yue. In the beginning, I did. It was true. But it's not this same situation at this point of time. After all, in the end, how can you hate someone that you can understand and empathize towards? The fact of the matter is...you can't hate someone like that. In the end, Yue and I may be very, very different...but we can understand each other in ways that no one else can.

Late at night, when I'm alone in my bedroom and just looking out at the stars, I wonder something over and over again, until it becomes a silent litany in my mind. 'Why did Yue chose me--my personality, my looks, my interests, everything that makes me ME--as his human shell to hide behind?' Sometimes the nights are very long and I have eternity to think this puzzle over. In the middle of my pondering, Yue occasionally emerges. For the most part...he doesn't. And I'm left to muse alone.

Why did Yue chose me as his human cloak to hide behind? Why ME? Yue and I aren't anything alike--from what everyone tells me. Logically, he would have made his human shell strong and intelligent (sometimes cunning)...like himself. Instead, he picked someone who wasn't strong and who's gentleness often overrided the need and the want for cunning. Who could Yue possibly have known that had most of my characteristics?

Or...who could Yue possibly KNOW...?

The answer eventually came to me one night. If you look at it from his perspective, the answer is amazingly simple. Clow Reed. When all of the pieces of _this_ puzzle are brought together, it does make sense. Yue is often sad and melancholy--something he would rather die than reveal to other people. But, the reason why he is melancholy is because he is in mourning. All of these long years and he is still in mourning over his first master. He must have loved Clow Reed very deeply if he decided to make his human shell so completely different than his own personality...and similar to that of his first master. But, more than a master...his very first friend.

In a way, it is humbling to know that your life and your personality--YOU--is modeled after someone a person loved...and still loves...very deeply. In another way, it is also very intimidating. But his reasons and his devotion can still be understood. He loved and was loved in return. No one could ever possibly forget that feeling. And then he had lost that only friend he had ever had. It will be a very, very long time before Yue can finally stop grieving. He may even never stop grieving. But I can understand why. I can understand him.

And that is when we start to understand each other and we can begin to empathize with each other. It does seem somewhat like a strange relationship to most people, but this is the reason why I don't hate him. It's because I understand him and can empathize with him. And I think he knows the same thing, too. And I think that the feather that I found on my bed wasn't an accident. I think he left it there for me deliberately.

I just hope this bubble doesn't pop.