Split Into Two
By: Neko-chan
Chapter Five
One plus one equals two.
We have always been told this--from the time we begin to learn mathematics to the time we die, we are always taught that one plus one equals two. It is logical and it is predictable. But... What happens when one plus one _doesn't_ equal two? All predictable laws, everything that you were ever taught...are wrong. _Everything_ is chaotic. _Everything_ loses their logic, their pattern, their predictability. There is no more order. There is only chaos. Lost and lonely, wandering for what seems like eternity, trying to make sense of the world and the universe around you.
More and more often lately, it feels as if my life has become chaotic. I'm lost and I'm lonely in a vast sea of spinning stars. I'm a speck of nothing compared to their greatness. Nowadays, it feels as if one plus one _doesn't_ equal two. And, in the end, there _is_ that option of having one and one not equal two. After all, physics and calculus talk of imaginary numbers and infinity (What IS infinity, anyway?), so why can't there be an option of one plus one not equaling two? It does so often happen in our universe.
Chaos theory.
With this theory, nothing is ever predictable and everything is always disorganized, without logic, and with no pattern whatsoever. Everything happens by chance, not choice. Nothing is predictable. In some ways, I like this theory very much. In others...I don't like it at all. My math teacher doesn't like this theory one little bit. She says that it's a bunch of lies and repeatedly tells us that _everything_ can be predicted by math. (What a boring life that would be! Knowing what would happen second by second... ...where is the vitality? The life? What _kind_ of life is that??)
Not everything can be predicted, though. There are always instances in which events are planned out to the very microsecond... And then one tiny thing--one minuscule event or instant--happens and changes _everything_. Not all of those minuscule events can be predicted or anticipated. They can be expected--but no one will ever know when or where they will happen. These are the times in which the chaos theory proves itself to be true...and where the logic and predictability of mathematics falls short. But, in the end, nothing is ever perfect. Not even Yue.
His predictions of various things have often fallen very short of his expectations. Take me, for instance. I know that Yue wanted me to have qualities that he wished he had--or various qualities that Clow Reed possessed. Friendly, cheerful, always greeting others with a smile on my face. ...I can't always smile... Yue wanted a creation that was a child of the sun to go against his being a child of the moon. However, it took me a long time to realize something. And I don't know that Yue has yet to realize it himself, either.
Our sun is a star. And, though it gives off warm and life-giving light, the only time you can ever really see stars is at night--shining down on us side by side with the moon. And the moon is only giving off light given to it by the sun...a _star_ in itself. It took me a very, very long time to realize this. And I don't think Yue has yet to realize it. If he had realized it--I would have known. I know I would have.
It's times like these, when I'm sitting on my window sill and just looking up at the stars overhead, when I realize that Yue and I do share similarities--they're just so buried deep within us that most never see them. Sakura and Touya don't, I know that for sure.
One similarity that we both share is the fact that we notice certain things--we are both unusually perceptive. (Maybe that's why I can so easily sense things from him...) I know that Touya hates and despises Yue. There is an animosity between the two of them that is difficult to explain. Yue feels the same way towards Touya, I know that too.
Shhh... I'll tell you another secret. Touya hates Yue because he thinks that Yue is using me and then will eventually be rid of me, like a castaway shell. And Yue hates Touya because he fears that my best friend will take me away from him, leaving him all alone in the world--with no one to hide behind and no one to just _be_ with.
But Touya is wrong. Yue _can't_ discard me because he created me. Lately I've been doing magical research using different spell books as guides. I've learned things that have surprised me and that have intrigued me. When Yue created me, he made a new life. I'm _alive_. He cannot kill me now. He cannot _discard_ me now. My past and my memories may be a lie, but my future is not. I'm a living, breathing _person_ that cannot be discarded so easily--not at all. True, I may not be real like Touya, Sakura, Kero, and Yue...but in my own way, I am real.
The same thing can be applied to Yue as well. Touya _can't_ take me away from him. It isn't possible. It isn't. Though we may act nothing alike, Yue and I are very, very similar. We have a bond that is impossible to break now that he has created me--just like it is impossible for Yue to discard me when he becomes 'bored' with his Yukito-me. We share the same body and share personality traits. In some ways, it could also be considered that we are alter egos* of one another. So how can Touya take me away from Yue when Yue and I can, in some ways, be considered two halves of one person? The answer is simple: He can't.
I like thinking on nights where each minute passes on by like an hour and I stay up late wondering if Yue would take control of my body that night. It just gives me time to think, something I don't normally have the pleasure of doing. I don't know if all of these thoughts that I have are coming from my subconscious or if they're various revelations. All I know if that I have them. And they give me different things to ponder about. And lazy nights are the perfect time to do so.
I've begun to realize so many things that Yue would prefer me not to know. Different things about him...and about myself. But these things are my own secrets to keep...and so I will end up telling no one. That doesn't bother me, though. It doesn't, however, change the fact that we are both very, very similar. _Too_ similar in some ways.
We both grieve. Him for his old and dead Master. And I grieve for the past that I never had. We are both excellent secret keepers. When we decided that something will remain a secret, nothing will be able to pry it forth from our lips. We both rarely talk and we both keep our thoughts to ourselves. But, perhaps, the most important: We are both lost and lonely, hoping that someone is out there--someone that is similar to us; someone that we can finally confide in and take comfort from. And yet...the list continues on... We are both emotionally cold. We don't let anyone get close to our hearts and we don't have very many friends.
I always have a ready smile--he always has a dark glare. But his glare is actually as fake as my smile. They are both just masks to show to the outside world--the various landscapes that forever surround us.
This is another time where one plus one doesn't add up to two. Sometimes it _does_ come out to be two. Other times, it ends up being a number that you would least expect. _Sometimes_. Just sometimes, though. Always? Never? Sporadically? ...eternal.. Just sometimes.
...sometimes it adds up to three.
...sometimes it adds up to five.
...sometimes it adds up to ten thousand.
...sometimes it adds up to...infinity.
Math is weird like that, anyway. The _world_ is weird like that anyway. It always seems to remind me of a line that Puck speaks in "A Midsummer Night's Dream." A line that always seems to remind me of Yue. He's speaking to his lord, King Oberon, and says: "Lord, what fools these mortals be!" What fools, indeed.
And so my story begins, unfolding page by page, twisting into something surreal and unrecognizable, even by me... Even I do not know how my story will end. I do, however, hope it ends with a 'and they lived happily ever after...' But real life doesn't always end that way. And yet...sometimes it does.
"Once upon a time..."
A/N: And so ends the introspective chapters. Next chapter the actual story begins. I do hope the POV chapters gave you something to think about, though. (It was, after all, what I was aiming for.) I also hope the introspective chapters helped show you a side of Yukito that you rarely, if ever, manage to see. (Yet another goal I was aiming for.) All that are reading this story--I hope you're enjoying it. And I also hope you stick with me until the very end. *crosses her fingers and hopes* Until next chapter--Ja ne! ^_~
*My not-so-subtle way of paying tribute to one of the most _amazing_ Yukito and Yue stories out there--"Alter Egos." It's intriguing and so beautifully written. It brings up the issue of multiple personality disorder (MPD) and alter egos in a way that can be _understood_ and _fits_ the different characters personalities. Please read it, it's _amazing_!