Narrator: Hi. I'm the narrator.
Me: Hello. I'm your author, The Inquisitor.
Narrator: He's an RPG fan.
Me: Yep.
Narrator: But this made-up one kind of sucks
Me: I shall smite thee into oblivion if thy dost not pipeth down.
Narrator: *sigh* Yes, my liege.
V2.0: Okay, I've added the "most-powerful-weapon" and "most-powerful-skill" categories for character descriptions, and I've added sections for fan-made characters (gee, that phrase sounds so good... "fan-made") as well as submitted ideas for weapons. In addition, I've added a couple of new characters. Oh yeah, and please be aware that a) data is subject to change if I get any good ideas and b) I may have to take a teensy-tiny bit of artistic license with submitted characters in order to fill in all the perameters or make them fit whatever story comes into play. If you have any objections to my use or abuse of your character, feel free to review or e-mail me. Please, though, try to keep it PG-rated if you review.
V1.0 Okay, now for the real intro. I've read a few lists of RPG cliches, and I always thought it would be cool to make a spoof game out of them. Well, this is the result. Please feel free to R/R any suggestions, comments, flaming criticisms, or if you would like a character of yours to be listed. If you submit, all that I ask is that you make it as ridiculous as possible. And finally, if there is a storyline, it will probably start next chapter, unless I put the setting there or something. Well, here it goes:
LAST DAYDREAM: A ROLE-PLAYING PARODY
Chapter 1: Characters:
THE GOOD
"So... we're planning on risking our lives to face a terrible, indestructible evil, slicing through hordes of powerful beasts, hoping to earn enough experience points so that maybe we can grow past level one and possibly stand a chance against the awesome power of a giant bunny rabbit, and after we have accomplished these impossible feats--without any help from the people we're attempting to save--then we're going to use our newly acquired strengths to face said evil and try to save said people from it?"
"Um.... yeah."
"Just checking"
Name: Avant Garde (heroes have last names, but they don't use them.)
Character Type: Hero
Weapons: Swords. He's the hero. Hero's use swords.
Most Powerful Weapon: The Omega Device (Get it? No? Okay, it's a distortion of "Ultima Weapon")
Most Powerful Skill: Blade of Gigantes (What he does is create a hole in space-time right in front of him by slicing his weapon downwards. Then, he thrusts his sword-arm through the hole, and a humongoid version of it comes out of the sky to strike all foes.)
Interesting Quirks: As per the hero class, he has very, very cool hair.
Name: Adora Nightingale
Character Type: The female protagonist, who will inevitably fall in love with the hero.
Weapons: Magic. Also, since she is a magic user, she can wield the awesome and powerful weapons known as sticks. (Yes, sticks. They're wussy. Read the Quirks)
Most Powerful Weapon: Adamantium Staff (Yes, adamantium. But it's still a frikking stick.)
Most Powerful Skill: Well, the most powerful magic spell she has is kind of a surprise, so I'll give you her second most powerful, Summon Odin (Interestingly,Wotan--the Teutonic equivelant of Odin--used a spear as his weapon. Spears are pointy sticks. I love irony. Wait, or is that poetic justice? I always get those two mixed up.)
Interesting Quirks: Well, she can summon powerful demi-deities to do her bidding, but nothing interesting really.
Name: Travis Bishounen
Character Type: Quirky, elementary school mascot.
Weapons: Umbrellas. What? He has hydrophobia
Most Powerful Weapon: Panic's Bumperchute (Panic is the deity of phobias, and bumperchute is an old name for umbrella... or something like that.)
Most Powerful Skill: Trance of Fear (This is pretty cool, IMHO. What he does is take a small pouch of water and throw it on himself. Since he has hydrophobia, this causes him to go into a panic, which gives him the stereotypical panicked-chibi strength surge we're all too familiar with. While in this panic, he runs around screaming in fear, and generally tramples his opponents or gores them to death with the spike of his umbrella.)
Interesting Quirks: As per the mascot class, he is very quirky, and far too often overly cute.
Name: Titan Overhaul
Character Type: Overly sized brute-type character.
Weapons: Very large rocks (I know; you can find them anywhere. But you still have to buy them, because obstacles are immobile...except when they're not)
Most Powerful Weapon: Mount Everest (now THAT's a very large rock)
Most Powerful Skill: Animate Meteor (Hehe, I like this one. He grabs his opponent and ties them to whatever oversized rock he's carrying. Then, he spins around a few times and hurls the rock--with enemy attached--into the upper atmosphere, where they are first frozen and then immolated. After a moment, they fall back to earth, where they are severely bashed by the impact.)
Interesting Quirks: Like Fezzik the Turk, Mareg of Grandia II, and all the other large hairy people before him, he will be either the wisest or the cuddliest of the main characters. You decide.
Name: Rogue Tigerhawk
Character Type: This is that ONE character that's cooler than the hero (besides the villain).
Weapons: Hula-Hoops. Yeah, that's right. I said Hula-Hoops.
Most Powerful Weapon: Hell's Gate (this was originally a gateway to--you guessed it--Hell, developed by an ancient civilization who abused its powers and eventually collapsed. A few millennia later, most of its power is gone, and it makes a mighty-fine hula-hoop.)
Most Powerful Skill: Hell's Gate (Yeah, yeah, I hear your whining. Another skill named after a weapon, how cliche. Zip it. Hell's Gate uses Hell's Gate's power--I said MOST was gone, remember?--to open a gateway to aych-ee-double-hockey-sticks, from whence a demon comes to smite thy foes.)
Interesting Quirks: This guy's a renegade from the law, your typical too cool, fast-talking con-artist, who joins the hero after seeing his impressive strength in battle, though he won't admit to the "impressive" part. I think that about covers it.
THE BAD
"Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."
"Dude, that is so cliche it's not even funny."
Name: Mace Malign (Bad Guys have first names, but they don't use them.)
Character Type: Your typical take-over-the-world-cause-I'm-just-that-cool villainous bad guy character.
Weapons: Swords. He's the Bad Guy. Bad Guys use swords.
Most Powerful Weapon: Chimera Blade (The Chimera is a legendary monster, which has several different descriptions. One says that it has the head of a lion, the body of an eagle, and the tail of a serpent, if I remember correctly. This is the version I based the sword on. Anyway, the sword's hilt looks basically like a serpent's body, the side-guards are bat-like wings, and on each side of the hilt, where it meets the blade, a lion's head is carved into the steel. The blade is jet-black chrome.)
Most Powerful Skill: Chaotic Essence (Another version of the Chimera casts it as a having three heads: lion, serpent, and eagle. Here is where I base Chaotic Essence. So, Malign holds up his blade, it does a couple of nifty lens-flare graphics and firework effects, and a semi-transparent Chimera spirit comes out of it in a flash of dark light (If you're thinking that this phrase doesn't make sense, you're absolutely right. I have no regard for the laws of physics or Eucledean geometry, as you can plainly see in my other humorous story, "Black Spider"). Strangely, as with all summons it only stays for a few moments, during which it sprays three beams--acid from the snake's mouth, fire from the lion's mouth, and electricity from the eagle's mouth--at our heroes, and then promptly disappears.)
Interesting Quirks: This is the coolest character in the game. End of story.
Name: Nat Cole
Character Type: This is the royal fat guy that Malign is manipulating in order to achieve his ultimate goal.
Weapons: Feh, are you kidding? Royal fat guys don't use weapons; they get killed too quickly.
Most Powerful Weapon: Were you listening the first time?
Most Powerful Skill: Seriously, are you paying attention?
Interesting Quirks: As aforementioned, he will be killed probably around the middle of the game. Also, though most commoners will think he is being used for political power (If they are aware of the manipulation at all), some secret society or rebel group will be aware of Malign's true intentions... which I don't know yet.
Name: Bippity
Character Type: Villain's annoying sidekick number one.
Weapons: Well, he has (excruciatingly ineffective) boxing gloves, but usually he just uses souped-up magic to impede the forces of Good.
Most Powerful Weapon: Well, annoying sidekicks generally have just one weapon, and Bippity's are the boxing-gloves. If you want details, however, they're Smiley-Gloves (You remember Afro Thunder from Ready 2 Rumble Boxing?)
Most Powerful Skill: Daisy Cutter (Feel the awesome power of the Daisy Cutter! Mwuhaha! No flower can withstand his wrath, for he is the harbringer of flora's destruction!.... Yeah right. "Daisy Cutter" is actually a euphemism for "Nuclear Effing Missile.")
Interesting Quirks: He's very tiny, and very annoying.
Name: Boppity
Character Type: Villain's annoying sidekick number two.
Weapons: Well, he has a few (excruciatingly ineffective) magic spells, but usually he just uses his ability to crush fire hydrants single-handedly to impede the forces of Good.
Most Powerful Weapon: Weapon? Boppity no need weapon! Boppity smash! No need weapon to smash! SMASH!
Most Powerful Skill: Smash! (Do you really need an explanation for this one? I don't think you want one.)
Interesting Quirks: He's very large, very stupid, and very annoying. (And no, there's no one named Boo...unless you make one.)
Name: Isis North
Character Type: This is the female leader of the villain's armies, who battles the main characters several times, always beats them, but never kills them.
Weapons: She uses a double-bladed axe, which she also uses to cast combat spells.
Most Powerful Weapon: Glacial Halberd (Upon a long-past time, when the spirits of the nine were barely separate and the great Crystal Clock had only just begun its first revolution, there was a story behind this axe. Unfortunately, I haven't written it yet, so you'll just have to settle for a cool name for now.)
Most Powerful Skill: Arctic Bladestorm (If you haven't gotten the overt hints by now, Isis is an ice-based character. Anyway, with this attack she throws her blade into the clouds above, and the normally bright spring-time clouds that look like bunny-rabbits darken into ominous clouds of doom. After a few lightning bolts within the clouds, a hailstorm starts that lasts about thirty-four seconds (i.e. long enough for the cool graphics to show themselves on whatever console this game is played on), after which her axe returns to her. Oh yeah, and the hailstones are sharp enough to split hairs. Seriously.)
Interesting Quirks: She doesn't kill the good guys because she has fallen in love with one of the characters (but not the hero). Who? You decide. Incidentally, she will eventually become either a temporary or permanent party member.
AND THE FAN-MADE
"From the miasma of worlds, microcosms of fantasy created within the minds of myriad authors, a vast wave of heroes and villains shall come forth, bringing new light on the darkening world, or infesting its shadows with everlasting plagues. Such is the power of the pen, and.... um... Cripes! This was almost a good quote too."
*stuff with a little asterisk at the beginning is stuff that I modified about fan-characters/weapons. Please review if you want something changed.
Name: Azmith Candin
Created By: Duck
Character Type: *Well, this guy is apparently working for evil, but we already have a main villain, so... maybe he's the Villain's-main-lackey-who-tries-to-manipulate-the-villain-but-fails-and-is-either-killed-or-turned-a-good-guy-in-the-process character?
Weapons: Evil Slicing Poker Cards
Most Powerful Weapon: *Sept de la chance (Err, this kind of a rough translation, but it's supposed to mean "lucky seven" in french. Actually, the name has nothing to do with the deck, which is a set of magic tarot cards which can be used to affect one's enemies (i.e. the Fool's card would transform your enemy into a jester, or the Ace of Wands would summon a big stick from the sky to whack them with.). I know, it's not poker, but I think tarot cards have more potential for humor.)
Most Powerful Skill: *Indefensible Gambit (Ever played 52-card pickup? Well, this is 52-card cut-up. Azmith throws his cards outward towards his foes in deadly, boomerang-like arcs. After slicing his foes--or simply passing them by harmlessly, depending on the wind and how drunk he is--they return to his hand, re-stacking themselves for the next round.)
Interesting Quirks: Most powerful warrior ever in history, and, unfortunately for good, works for evil. Unfortunately for evil, spends all his waking hours eating and playing poker with his invisible friends/ Arch nemeses, Numbers 1-4 (*I'm guessing these guys will be sub-characters, then).
Name: Astarte DeMalus---typical aristocratic-sounding nonsense name, which is only fully used a) when/if he introduces himself (which only happens once...or twice), or b) when the Bad Guy calls on/refers to him. Otherwise, he's just Astarte, or whatever lame names the Good Guys call him; i.e., Cloak-guy, Tall-Dark-and-Evil, Silent Scary Bastard...well, the last one could affect the rating.
Created by: Argent Inluminai
Character Type: The silent, dark-cloaked, attractive-bordering-on-pretty bishonen "advisor" to the Bad Guy.
Weapons: Magic. Pretty-boy vizers to the Bad Guy always use magic. Really flashy spells, with names like "Fiery Blazing Inferno of the Nine Hells," and "Largest Devil Light Beam Ever" (remember Ghaleon?); most are elemental spells, but he'll always manage a non-element spell that will wipe your party out the first (few) time(s) you fight him, leaving you to cuss like a drunken sailor and beat him in 15 minutes during the next play. He'll also have some spell which will either heal himself (usually by draining the Heroes' health) or black any offense attacks/spells for several turns, making you waste time and lose what patience you have left. He's a total wimp when it comes to physical weapons, so he never uses them.
Most Powerful Weapon: *Garlanded Subliminal Stave of the Fateless Magus (The long-titled staff—I know, you only said magic, but he needs a staff—which he managed to "obtain" from his Game Spirit—more on those in a later chapter. Probably a much later chapter. Anyway, it's a cool weapon which will probably end up being the key to some long-lost power or another. Wait and see.)
Most Powerful Skill: *Raging Raziel's Furiously Wanton and Uncalled-For Deathly AP Firestorm Technique of The Violet, Steel-Feathered Harpy Who's Roommate Knew the Goldfish of a Guy Named Bob (You want long names, you've got long names. Naturally, a wrathfully deadly, non-elemental technique which ignores defense and hits everyone. Will Reflect work? Nope. You'll see how our heroes deal with the issue.)
Interesting Quirks: He usually has unusually-colored hair that obscures his eyes (usually "emerald green," sterling silver," deep sapphire," or some other over-dramatic color), at least for the first few encounters. He spends his free time making cryptic comments from the shadows, unnoticed even by those with superior senses and the ability to track a ground squirrel from 50 miles, and he almost never fights; if he does, he will either be a God or a Wuss, and will always leave before the heroes can kill him, usually in a flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of confetti, etc. He's often revealed (late in the game) to have been an important person from the planet's past (Hero, Sage, King, Clone, Prime Minister), turned from the side of good by a lust for power and the neurotic need to control everything like a puppet master, and he may, like other villians, have a connection to one of the Good Guys, usually as a father, uncle, great-grand cousin twice removed, ect. Following the revelation, he's soon killed by the Great Big Evil, or he IS the Great Big Evil. People will suspect him throughout the game, but they'll still be surprised when he shows up near the end to kill one of his allies. He'll often have one-sided talks with himself, which get needlessly "philosophical" and involve many uses of the words "destiny," "power," "fate,"; titles for someone (usually the Hero) a la "Chrono Trigger" and "Hero of Time,"; or otherwise he'll refer to everyone as "tool," "puppet," or "pawn." He also never shows emotion, unless it's very close to The End and he's laughing maniacally. ("AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!")
Name: Rivalen Redmark.
Created by: Jehan's Muse
Character Type: Goodguy whom everyone thinks is a badguy because he looks and acts like a badguy.
Weapons: He's a wizard, with a dagger that he uses on occasion to create holes in people who are bothering him.
Most Powerful Weapon: *Jehan's Subtle Edge ("Hey Rivalen, why did you just cast a lightning spell on an earth-based creature?" Stab, Stab, Stab, Stabstabstab!!!)
Most Powerful Skill: *Sinister Blaze (Okay, here's how it goes: Rivalen tosses his dagger into the air, where lines of fire begin to swirl around it at around 500 feet. Meanwhile, he has turned his back on the enemy, and begun to walk away. The dagger, now a 50-foot radius inferno, crashes down onto the enemies, and the cut-scene ends with Rivalen doing that cool Action-movie-hero-walking-away-from-a-blazing-field effect.)
Interesting Quirks: He's seventeen, a bit young for your standard adventurer. Pale and thin, kind of a wimp. And he doesn't talk. Well, I mean, he *can* talk, but he doesn't unless absolutely necessary. Like, if a rock was about to fall on someone's head, he'd say "Watch out, there's a big rock about to fall on your head!" But he's not given to idle conversation. He's annoyingly smart, kind of superior, generally the kind of guy you want to bash over the head with something. Which people do, on occasion.
Name: Bada Boom(a.k.a.Boo)
Character Type: Villian's annoying sidekick,
sidekick.
Weapons: Uses a rocking horse named Yeh-Haw (Don't ask) Has Ancient Bombs, Fireworks, and lots and lots of that explosion magic that hits everybody.
Most Powerful Weapon: *Yeh-Haw (I won't)
Most Powerful Skill: *Mystical Tank-Shell (Taking ideas on magic from "Those who hunt elves,"… "Great Scotts! That's a 15-Megaton Spell!)
Character Type- Very Young, Hyper Kid that always
saying something off the wall, and hidden by oversized clothes. Is an orphan ( go figure)Questions the motives of Mace alot. Likes to act innocent but is seen drinking beer with the baddies! Is prone to steal, and later is connected with the hero! May have a hidden agenda with Adora. Sees Bippity and Boppity as role models.( May be a boy or a girl). Always ruins the
moment, and questions his own existence.
Now, if you want to make your own character, here's a skeleton for you to use: copy-and-paste to your review/e-mail, and fill in all the necessary data.
Name:
Created By:
Character Type:
Weapons:
Most Powerful Weapon:
Most Powerful Skill:
Interesting Quirks:
WEAPONS
"What? Spoons? Sure, we sell those."
The Ultra-Mega-Super-Duper-Laser-guided-Nuclear-Galactic Cheese Grater (Clean cuts everytime! Also effective for shredding the faces of enemies)
Created by: He who changes his name too often.
The Repetitious Sword of Recurring Redundancy (This is a Repetitious Sword of Recurring Redundancy )
Created by: Me, The Inquisitor
Um, I guess that covers everything. Any ideas? A setting? Story? Names for the weapons? (Ooh, now THAT's a good idea.) Well, R/R and let me know. See ya next chapter!