The original version of this chapter was basically written as a one-shot, but after my decision to continue this storyline, I felt that I had to revise a few things to make the story flow better. Not to mention the fact that the formatting basically sucked. ^_^
Also, a few caveats: although Iam a fervent B/X'er at heart, I am more than open minded enough to accomodate other pairings, both for Buffy, as well as for Xander. The ending I have in mind is B/X, but that is not set in stone, seeing the events in Seasons 6 and 7. Since this story was deleted for some reason, I at least managed to update AND revise. ^_^
Title: Via Nova 1/?
Author: Silav
Disclaimer: BtVS = NOT mine. That means I cannot have the Buffy/Faith/18-yr. old Dawn sandwich I always wanted!!! Yay me! D'oh!
Category: YOU decide
Rating: R to be safe.
Pairing: A whole slew of them. Expect Faith/Xander, definitely, as well as Buffy/Xander. Prolly more. ^_^
Timeframe: Post "Entropy", but before the big events in "Seeing Red"
Spoilers: Up to "Entropy". Ye have been warned. Avast matey, thar be spoilers ahead!
Feedback: Interesting metaphor number one: I am Season 1 Xander. Feedback is Buffy. Xander says to Buffy: "Can I have you?"
Author's notes:
Italicized text = Xander's thoughts
"" = Xander-speak
** = Other characters speaking
~*~
Location: Everywhere
Time: Everywhen
~*~
{{Ah...Valis. Do you wish to pit yourself against me once again?}}
That goes without saying, Demon Lord. The same Game as always?
{{Yes, Valis. But this time, I shall set the beginning terms and choose the pieces.}}
~*~
Location: Xander's apartment
Time: Late evening
~*~
Hey all. My name's Buttmonkey. I _used_ to be called Xander. Alexander Whose-Middle-Name-Shall-Never-Be-Mentioned Harris. Of course, I stopped _being_ Xander, and became the Universe's Buttmonkey when I realized two simple things:
One: The woman I was supposed to marry did the horizontal dance with a dead body.
Two: The woman I always looked up to, one of my closest friends, my damn HERO, did the the tango, well, at least the XXX version of the tango, with the same dead body as my fianceéé did. And not for
the first time, either. Nope. Nosiree!
I swear...if this wasn't my life...and I was watching this on some TV show, I'd either be laughing my ass off at the sheer wrong-headed stupidity of those two statements, or I'd be too busy getting
reacquainted with my dinner as it comes up the same hole it disappeared into.
It's bad enough that I _know_ my fianceé was doing a dead body, but I just _had_ to see it with my own eyes...The scene was perfectly captured at 24 fps on a computer monitor. One second I was seeing Willow go "Oh My God!", and the next minute I was staring at Anya boffing Spike on a table in the Magic Box in full Techincolor. God knows I'll never be able to see that particular table the same way again.
Hey. I'm a carpenter! I'll just smash that table, re-work one of the table legs into a stake, then dust Spike with it! Yeah!!! That'll show that bastard! I'll stake him with a stake made out of the table on which he "staked" my fianceéé! Irony, much?
And then...there's Buffy. Yup. Seems she did it again! You'd think that after the whole Angel/Angelus fiasco that she'd have learned that she's supposed to "slay" the undead. _Not_ "lay" them. Haha. Lookit me. I made a funny. Too bad it's overused.
I mean, how many times does it take for her to get the "Slayer" part? I mean, she's a college girl! Come on, Buffy! You Slayer. You see undead creature of the night. You go into asskicking mode. You
stake undead creature. It goes poof. You look damn good while you do it, too.
Let me reiterate! Buffy stakes vampire. _Not_ Buffy sees vamp, thinks vamp is hot, then lets vamp "stake" her! I seem to be on a roll with all that hidden innuendo I put into the word staking. Ha. Ha. Ha.
God...my life sucks. The only reason I'm not breaking down is because I'm trying to laugh at my problems. Any time I feel pain, I cover it up by goofing off. I've become so damn good at it, I even do it to myself sometimes. Like now, for instance. Not that it's working much. But hey. I'd rather laugh at my pain, than take the path my dear Daddy took.
"..."
"..."
"..."
Then again, alcohol's looking mighty good right now...
Maybe later. I'm not feeling at all motivated to get out of this sofa I plopped down on. Thank God the remote for my stereo is here. Ahhhh....cue that sweet, sweet country music. The music of pain. The music of the brokenhearted.
Strange. I feel nothing for Anya now. Only the vaguest sense of betrayal. I'm pissed...sure. But it seems that the main reason I'm pissed is because she slept with Spike. If she slept with someone
else, I guess I wouldn't have gone all Terminator with an axe.
After all...I was the one who left her standing at the altar...when I look back at it...I'm just glad I'm still standing in one piece, since she's an ex-Vengeance Demon and all.
"..."
"..."
"..."
Alcohol looks _very_ good right now.
I know I have some left stashed somewhere...now where did I put it? Ahhhh. Here it is. Behind a box of...crushed Twinkie wrappers. Suprising, much?
Wooh. That's the stuff. Always preferred a decent shot of whiskey, but I'm glad Anya talked me into trying out Smirnoff's.
Hmmm. Feeling all mellow now. Almost...introspective. Wow! Hear that! I used a big word! Hah! The Xand-Man's vocabulary is quite extensive, thank you very much! It's just that the large amount
of...beings...I could practice on wouldn't really appreciate it.
If I threw words like that around, the Scooby-gang would look at me like I grew a new head, while Spike would simply glance away and mumble either "nancy", "ponce", or "wanker". As for the assorted demons and vampires I run into, I don't really have much chance to strike up a decent conversation with them...seeing as all they're interested in is making ME dinner, as well as the subject of their after-munchies discussions...in a very morbid way.
"..."
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh"
"..."
So. Here I am. Twenty-something, with a decent job, great friends (most of them babes), and a bright future ahead of me in construction.
At least, that's what people on the outside would see.
But those outside, looking in...would never see...
The pain that abusive parents can inflict on your soul.
The pain of hurting the ones you love.
The pain of lying to the ones you love.
The pain in knowing that you could degenerate into a raving alcoholic like your Dad.
The pain of leaving your fianceé at the altar.
The pain in knowing that no matter how far I may come in life, I'll never be good enough.
The pain of loving someone with all your heart and soul...but never being loved the same way in return.
_GAAAAH!!!_
Must it always come down to _her_? Why, oh _why_ must my heart be tied to someone who has made it clear to me, so many times, and on so many levels, that I'll always be "one of the girls"? That I'll never rate a second glance? That she'll never see me that way, because I could never be like Angel. Or Parker. Or Riley.
Or for all that's holy, I could never be be like Spike.
Damnit, Buffy! How could you do this? With _Spike_! You slept with another vampire! Does a dead body flip a switch inside of you or something? What were you _thinking_?! Were you even thinking in the first place?! And, God help me, if you _were_ thinking, what the _hell_ were you thinking with?!
Wait...what the hell am _I_ thinking? What the _hell_ is wrong with me??? Why am I even interested in the fact that my so-called hero once _again_ shows that she'll always choose someone who'll just end
up hurting her, when if she would just give me a chance...
I'm doing it again!!! For God's sake, I saw my fianceé do the mattress mambo with another guy! A dead guy, pity's sake! And instead of focusing on that, I focus on Buffy. How frickin' _whipped_ am I, anyway? Unrequited love _isn't_ love! Just how damn self-destructive can Xander "ButtMonkey" Harris be?
"..."
Glass makes such a nice sound when it breaks on a wall. Who needs a glass, anyway?
"..."
I guess...Future Me was right. Although I never really believed Future Me when it said that I would turn out like dear old Dad...it _was_ right when it showed, in subtle terms, that I still love _her_.
And HEY! Just because it was a subtle message does _not_ mean I can't pick it up! I may be a buttmonkey, but when it comes to things like this, you can call me Spider-Xand, 'cuz my Xander-sense will pick it up!
I can almost see Giles pinching his brow after that remark...Heh. The only one who can get him to do that anywhere near as often as I can is Buffy.
My my...aren't my thoughts goin' 'round and 'round like a merry-go-round....all leading back to Buffy. It always comes down to her...It's embarassing to admit that, yeah, she'll always come first in my heart. She always has. Even in my Willow/Cordelia days, I would have dropped either of them without a thought if she crooked a finger in my direction. Does that make me a bad person? Am I a bad person?
"Oooof...".
Right. I'm sitting up. Must obey commands of bladder. In a second, anyway. I'm so pitiful that thoughts of Buffy come before mere bodily functions...
Did I mention that my sitting up put more pressure on my bladder? Bad move. Horizontal good. I could do that. Ahhh. Couch...good.
Bah. After the events of this evening...nothing will be the same...not for me. And certainly not my feelings for a certain Vampire-Laying Vampire Slayer. Again with that particular turn of phrase. Bitter, much?
But she is still my friend. Well...if you can call our "relationship" that. I'm so tired of giving, and giving, and giving...and I seem to be repeating myself.
Wheee. My, that lightbulb looks awfully pretty with it's golden light...like Buffy's hair...all golden silk...
OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! Harris, get a grip. Well.
Man oh man...I'm feeling woozy. Cute word, that. Woooozyyyyy. Anyway. Ok, Buffy. If that's the way you want it, don't expect me to be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes to SMASH!
Whoops. Got a little excited with that last sentence there. Now I'm gonna have to clean up the table, or it'll smell really bad later....Wait. This is _vodka_, not beer! It doesn't smell bad at all! I _knew_ there was a reason I had this. I mean, aside from the 40% alcohol content. Heh.
Righto. What to do about this situation? Ignore her? Bail out of SunnyHell? Nothing keeping me here now...Nope. Nothing.
But that would be the coward's way out. I'm her friend. I care for her. Damnit. That means I have to be there for her. Doesn't it? Isn't that what a friend does? And in spite of all that has happened...do I still love her? Do I?
I stare at the bottle, whilst I swirl the vodka inside...
And I ponder... And I reflect...
And I wonder...
At last, I say out loud...
"What if I had never fallen in love with Buffy at all?"
All of a sudden, I hear a voice I haven't heard for so very, very long...
*Well, why dont'cha find out for yourself, Xand, my man?*
"JESSE?!"
~*~
Location: Everywhere
Time: Everywhen
~*~
Hmmm. I see you want a complicated Game this time. Very well, I agree to these conditions..
{{As I thought you would. Well, Valis...the first move is yours. Are you ready?}}
Indeed I am, Demon Lord. Let the game begin.