Rambling and Bewildered (2/?)
I still own nothing.
Sorry this took so long. It lurked around for along time and then I watched the movie again tonight with this girl who is currently jerking me around. Hooray for emotional masochism.
May 28
'Unsex me here and fill me from toe to top with direst cruelty'.
I wish that when I gave into the raptor, that it had worked; that I really didn't care when I watch her stare up at the sky for hours. Or that when she bursts into tears at the cry of a bird that it didn't make me want to cry too. I say it makes me want to cry, because I haven't. Not since that day. I can't cry for a Paulie who is finally free. Even though she's gone, it's like her spell still exists. I still exist because she willed it so.
We've been here a few days and I can't help but remember what Tori said when she took me aside that day and asked me to stick by Paulie. She told me that it would be the hardest thing anyone ever asked me to do. She was wrong. Watching Paulie destroy herself for the only person she ever loved was easier, because Tori was still alive and even if she didn't get her back she was still there, to be adored from afar.
But this, this watching Tori destroy her self for a Paulie that isn't here to care anymore… It's harder than watching Paulie fall every night in my dreams.
I overheard Tori once, back when everything was still okay, she told Paulie that she would totally lose it without her. I hope that's not true. I need her to be okay. Because I don't know how to be Mary Brave without one of them there.