Title: Eternity
Author: Yih
Written: May 2002/ June 2002
Disclaimer: All rights are Clamp.
5: Puzzlement
He drew in a ragged breath standing in front of the mirror. He hadn't thought that being in Sakura's presence was going to have such a dramatic affect on him. After all, he considered his ability to suppress his emotions quite high. Had he not repressed his feelings for Sakura for these past years? But he truthfully had to admit, it was also cowardice at being rejected that held him in check as well.
When he looked up at himself, his reflection--- he disliked what he saw. The long lashes and the shock of flowing dark locks, reminded him too much of his past life. It wasn't that he wanted to escape the past, he had thought that there was no way he'd be going back that far. It was a foregone conclusion that he'd resemble Clow Reed, he was the reincarnation. But he had always hoped that it was only a mere resemblance.
But as he stared at the image staring back at him. He was looking into the very picture of what he had been. From the elegantly defined cheeks to the thin sensual lips, he was the perfect twin of Clow Reed. The only thing that made him slightly different was that he chose to wear contacts instead of glasses, his only chance to be removed from the past. He was afraid that magic was going to absorb this future as it had the last.
"Eriol?" called Sakura, knocking on the door. "Are you ready?"
He took a ragged breath and he whispered to himself, "I'm ready. I'm going to tell her today, now. If I don't, then I'm never going to be able to tell her. I have to tell her. I have to, it's been eating up at me for too long."
"Eriol?" she murmured with concern. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," he responded clearly this time. "I'll be out in a minute."
He splashed cold water on his face before smashing his fist against the mirror, cracking it in the center of Clow Reed's reflection. He waved his other hand over the mirror and reversed the cracking until the broken shards sealed back into one, forming back Clow Reed's face. He clenched his fist underneath the cold water, letting it sting before wrapping his knuckles in a towel to hide his visual frustrations.
Biting his lip harshly, he left the bathroom and ran into Sakura while he exited. His surprise undid him, causing him to drop the towel wrapped around his bloodied hand. Poor Sakura's eyes widened with shock at the bloody mess, her cries bringing not only Yukito, Touya, and Kero but also Spinel and Ruby.
"What's wrong?" asked Touya immediately.
Sakura rushed into the bathroom and grabbed a towel and the first aid kit. She quickly pushed Eriol into the bathroom and began to tend to him tenderly. Clucking her tongue like a mother hen, she fixed his wound up gently. Eriol watched her with fascination, the utter care she gave to him touching his very core. To have something so good coming from something he thought was bad, gave him a simple coursing of pleasure.
"Eriol injured his hand, that's all," Sakura finally replied, though it was quite obvious as the crowd gathered in the tiny bathroom to watch her tend to the injured. "It's not a big deal, I was just surprised that's all. I was a bit overwhelmed at the bloody towel."
Spinel and Ruby exchanged knowing looks between the two of them. They knew quite well what had happened. It happened frequently back home, though it occurred at random intervals. They knew what was causing it, they just didn't know how to solve it. They always assumed once he saw Sakura again, things would be okay--- happy again.
Eriol touched Sakura's cheek tenderly, causing her to look up in surprise. "Thank you, Sakura," he murmured softly, withdrawing his touch quickly when she looked up. But the astonished expression on her face hadn't been a bad thing, she hadn't been expecting that from Eriol.
"It's no problem," she answered with a sweet smile. "You need to be more careful, okay?"
"I will," he responded with a touching smile of his own. He hesitated, his hand reaching instinctively to pull back a lock of hair that had fallen over her face. He had been about to do it when he pulled back with his uncertainty. The smile evaporated as he turned his face to look at Ruby and Spinel. "I need you two to go the mansion and start looking for any magic tomes that you can find. Put them all on the large dinning table, while I look around Sakura's house for anything that Fujitaka might have."
Spinel and Ruby bowed and stepped back, disappearing from view with a push from Eriol's magical force. He closed his eyes briefly, though it had seemed easy, it has actually taken out more from him than he had expected. He had to stop misjudging his magical abilities. He wasn't what he had been. He wasn't the all powerful sorcerer, that job lied with Sakura now.
"Are you okay, Eriol?" asked Sakura, her hands resting on top of his and her concern written on her face. "You seem a bit tired."
"Yes, I am. It's been a long day for me and I haven't been sleeping well." He hadn't been sleeping well because he had been continuously been haunted by dreams of Sakura. He couldn't close his eyes for any long period of times before her image, her essence, her being would haunt him.
Sakura's hands cupped his face and lifted it up to meet her green gaze. "Maybe you should take a short nap. I'm sure that between Kero and I, we can find any magic tomes that my otousan might have. You just take a rest even if you can't take a nap, okay?"
It shook him how she understood his sleeping problem. But maybe she had those herself, those puzzling dreams he had sent her while she was trying to capture the Clow Cards and solve the mystery had to have been unsettling. Only, she didn't know that it was his own problem, his own obsession, his own passion and love for her that made him disturbed in his sleep. He wished, he wished so badly that he could tell her how he felt without any hesitation.
"I love you, Sakura."
The vision before him turned away from him with a withdrawn expression on her face. "I don't know what to say," she began. "I had guessed that you felt that way."
"Tell me what is in your heart," he urged her, hoping beyond hope that perhaps she did feel something for him, some love.
"I do know that I do not feel like that for you," she turned back to him and clasped his hands. " I'm sorry Eriol. You are one of my closest friend, but I do not love you in that way. I love you only as a friend. Please forgive me."
He felt the soft exquisiteness of her hands in his own and he pulled her into his embrace where he held her to him hard. But equally forceful, he pushed her away from him and let her go. His head fell to his chin and a single tear fell from his eyes. When he finally spoke, his voice was dejected, "Thank you for telling me the truth, Sakura."
"I'm so sorry, Eriol."
"What do you have to be sorry about?" he inquired lightly, his head lifting and he stared at her with a waning intensity.
"That I do not feel that way for you. But I do love you and I care deeply for you."
"That is even more than I expected."
"Don't sell yourself out, Eriol. You are a wonderful man, a brilliant magician, and a loyal friend." She reached up on her tip toes and kissed his cheek.
"But not good enough for you to love."
"I do love you, just not in the way that you want me to."
"I'd rather then, you not love me at all!"
He stormed away, running away from the pain that thumped in his heart every minute he was by her knowing that she did not feel the same way about him. He didn't stop only going faster, his feet moving with unnatural swiftness. He didn't pause even though she was screaming at him.
"ERIOL! ERIOL! Don't leave me alone! ERIOL!"
The tears poured from his face when her voice finally faded and he was alone again. He huddled down into a corner and his body shook from his sadness and his torment. When the storm finally calmed, he touched the cheek that she had kissed reverently.
"Sakura..."
"Eriol! Eriol! Eriol, wake up!" Sakura shook him frantically, alarmed with all his kicking and the tears that had poured down his face. "Eriol, please wake up!"
"Sakura..."
"Eriol?"
He opened his groggy eyes and shifted them to Sakura. "What's wrong?"
"I think I'd better ask you that question. You were the one crying," she responded tenderly. Her hand wiped the tears off his cheeks and she sat down next to his side. "Tell me what's wrong. What did you dream about?"
He opened his mouth and then he shut it, paralyzed with a fear that she had heard everything in the dream. He hadn't known he was this vocal in his dreams. He wondered if things were always this way and that was why Ruby and Spinel were so concerned about him. But he'd never had physical tears on his cheeks either. It must be Sakura's presence that was magnifying everything.
"I don't really remember, but it was a sad dream."
"Was it about Kaho?" Sakura asked sympathetically.
He searched her expression, puzzled why she would ask such a thing until he picked up on her curiosity about their relationship. After all, he and Kaho had always been close. They had to be close because his past self had seen into the future and had know that Kaho was a very important factor in leading Sakura to what she would be and was now.
He could take the easy way out and say it was Kaho. But he didn't want to lie to Sakura, especially when all he wanted to do was tell her the complete truth. There was a reason he allowed himself to die when he did. There was a reason he needed Kaho. There was a reason that he could not stop thinking of her.
"No," he replied honestly, "it was not about Kaho."
"Would you like to tell me what was wrong then?" she asked softly, her eyes incredibly warm and he knew he wanted to, but not yet--- not at this moment.
"I can't tell you right now. It's not the right time."
"I understand," she replied quietly. "But I am here for you in case you ever need someone to talk to."
"I know," he smiled gratefully.
"Kero and I didn't find anything that would help in my otousan's library. I think you have all the magical tomes at your mansion," Sakura said and smiled back. "So we might as well head over there."
Eriol nodded and watched as she walked out of the room, wondering if she'd one day walk out of his life entirely.
"Sakura... how I wish I could tell you... without the fear of rejection."
Author's Note: Well, this was done for a while, it's just that ff.net has been very frustrating recently. But I'm back for the long haul, but I still have a load of commitments, so I'll try my best. I'm almost done with this one. I'm like half way done with Blossoming. And I've finally begun the sequel to Reminiscent! Yes, I'm definitely here for the long haul!