Harry transfigured his face subtly back to the features it had owned
previously, without the slight hooking of the nose and the sharpness of the
cheekbones which had been accentuated by his starvation.
However with Neville's friendship he had come out of his depression a little and was beginning to live again as he had before the summer holidays. He and Neville had become close friends, having more in common than they ever would have realised. Neville had a great sense of humour and constantly had Harry laughing.
Then something happened which changed everything. Harry was on his way to Herbology when he realised he'd left his gloves in the dormitory. He quickly went up the long winding corridors and gasped the password at the Fat Lady who swung open excruciatingly slowly. As soon as he could fit through he burst up the stairs and flung open the door to the dormitory. Afterwards he didn't know if Neville hadn't heard him or whether he had not cared about the footsteps. Harry had assumed that Neville would already be in Herbology but he didn't seem to be. In fact, he seemed to be standing in the middle of the dormitory slicing the pale skin of his forearm with a beautifully ornate knife. With his sleeve pushed up Harry could see cuts in varying degrees of healing, just before Neville snatched his sleeve down, looking worried and angry at the same time.
Silently Harry walked over to Neville who had frozen and pried the knife out of his hand, flinching slightly at the warm sticky blood which smeared his palm.
"Why?" Neville shrugged and, not knowing why, Harry smashed the knife with a well placed spell. Neville gasped, eyes flashing.
"My nan got me that!"
"Yeah, and I bet she wouldn't have wanted you to use it for that!"
Neville squirmed.
"I'll stop. Just. . .forget it" he said. Harry nodded silently and the two boys headed down to herbology.
*********************************************
But Harry didn't forget it. He tried to subtly raise the subject a few times over the next few days even though Neville would not take the hints. After that he didn't say anything, but his worry continued.
Over those few days, life continued as normal - or as normal as Harry Potter's life could ever be. He continued to be upset deep down by Snape's rejection of him, he continued his studies in Transfiguration and the Duelling with Flitwick. He still couldn't achieve a flawless shield, and it could be shattered with relative ease, but it might protect him from one strong curse and save his life. Then Harry had a very nasty surprise. He entered the charms classroom to partake in his now daily work-out, to find that Flitwick was not there. Then Dumbledore stepped out of the shadows, smiling as Harry's wand instinctively flew into his hand.
"I'm glad to see your reflexes are up to scratch, Harry. Now, Professor Flitwick will not be teaching you any longer. Obviously he is a light wizard and always has been. However, when you duel with Dark Wizards many things may be different. Therefore we have managed to find a new duelling partner for you!"
Harry's uneasy feeling grew with Dumbledore's grin. At a wave of his hand a cloaked and masked person stepped out of the shadows and Dumbledore disappeared. All of a sudden it came flooding back to Harry; the death eaters laughing, Cedric's lifeless body on the ground, eyes staring blankly up at the night sky. His breath came in short sharp bursts and he dropped to his knees shaking, hands over his eyes. He felt the Death Eater moving closer, and heard the voices in his head, of his parents, of Cedric, of Snape, of Vernon. He trembled uncontrollably, willing it to all go away, but it didn't. Still the footsteps advanced and he threw himself across the floor frantically trying to escape. The footsteps stopped and there was an audible sigh.
"Merlin, Potter, you are useless. 10 points from Gryffindor for excessive cowardice."
Harry flinched at the icy tones of Snape.
"Up"
He rose numbly and held out his wand with trembling hands wondering if Snape had any idea how scared he was. Probably he did; the man missed very little. Unconsciously Harry put up his shields, and waited. That was a big mistake.
"Passa!"
Knives dug into Harry's body, he felt them puncture his skin and organs, felt the searing pain. . .and then he was writhing on the floor, memories of Vernon which not even Snape knew about flooding into his mind, the knives piercing his very brain. . .and then nothing. And he almost missed the feeling, because it made him feel like he was being punished for getting Cedric and his parents killed. . .
And then Snape spoke, and his words cut through Harry like glass.
"What a disgrace to your parent's memories you are, Potter. Cowering at the slightest sign of pain. I might have expected greater bravery from a Gryffindor at least. How pathetic."
His face wasn't visible behind the mask, but Harry could sense the sneer.
"Just go to your next lesson, and pray."
"Why, sir?"
"Why? What. You must pray that someone as arrogant as you tries to defeat Voldemort, because you have no chance. Now go!"
Harry fled, his heart breaking into a thousand little shards.
*******************************************
3 days later. . .
He was acutely aware of the lack of Neville beside him. He hadn't seen his new best friend since breakfast. He had looked pale, and said he was going to Madam Pomfrey, refusing to let Harry accompany him. Without Neville, Harry felt very conspicuous and very alone. At the end of Transfiguration McGonagall pulled him back.
"Where is Neville, Harry?"
"He was feeling ill - he went to the hospital wing."
McGonagall's face creased slightly.
"That's unusual. . .oh, of course. . .today is the day his parents. . .I'll just visit him and see if he's alright."
"Can I come?" asked Harry
"No, you may visit during the lunch break." Reluctantly Harry nodded and left for Potions.
"Potter! Is my lesson so fearfully boring that you must fall asleep?"
"No, sorry sir."
"20 points from Gryffindor. Stay awake next time I ask you a question."
Harry flushed slightly as he had answered the question perfectly well, but fell silent. Snape was smirking at harry and he suddenly had a very bad feeling the professor was going to poison him or do something equally nasty.
However before he could, there was a knock at the door. It was McGonagall, looking shocked. Tears were rolling down her cheeks.
"Harry. . .you must come now. . .oh, it's so terrible. . ."
Startled, Harry looked at Snape, who was looking at amazement at the normally collected Transfiguration witch. The Potions master nodded sharply and Harry stood up, his stool scraping horribly in the suffocating silence. As he walked towards the door and saw the pitying look in McGonagall's eyes he realised what it was, and his breath hitched.
Neville.
He took a deep breath, trying to stop his legs from buckling. Why? Why had he left him? Why had he never made Neville talk; why had he never told anyone else? McGonagall swept ahead, pausing every so often to shoot him sympathetic looks, and too soon they were at the Hospital Wing.
Harry paused at the door, hands shaking. He suddenly realised he was too weak; too pathetic to do this. He was terrified. But these thoughts came too late as his legs carried him over the threshold. Neville was behind a curtain, eyes gently closed and wrists bandaged all the way up to his elbows. The boy looked happier than Harry could ever remember him being, and for that he felt a fresh pang of guilt. Could he have saved him if he had been a better friend?
McGonagall laid a hand on Harry's arm.
"He'll be ok, physically. Thank Merlin we reached him in time. His arms were already scarred. Did. . .did you know?"
Silently, guilt flooding him and suffusing his face red, Harry nodded staring at the floor. As he had expected, McGonagall exploded.
"You knew? You knew and you never told anyone? He could have died! How would you have felt with his death on your hands?"
Harry felt sick with anger and shame. It was his fault. . .all his fault.
Just then Madam Pomfrey came in.
"Minerva, Neville's Gran just flew in. Will you go and meet her?"
McGonagall nodded, and left with a final evil glare at Harry, who sat next to Neville. To his surprise, Neville woke up.
"Nev! How are you feeling?"
Neville was silent for a long moment. The moment grew, and in that silence Harry realised that Neville would be leaving.
"Will you be glad to go?"
Neville nodded.
"I'll miss you, Harry. . .it's just that I never really fitted in here - I don't have the magical ability. I'll make a better job at a new life. I'm sorry. . ."
Harry shook his head, aware that his eyes were growing misty.
"Can I see. . .your arms?"
Neville peeled back the bandages and Harry felt a jolt of. . .something. . .push in his stomach. There were three deep gashes on each wrist, and countless long scars littering the pale arms. It looked disgusting but fascinating, in a twisted sort of way. He pulled his eyes away with an effort, hearing footsteps arrive.
"Owl me, ok Nev? Don't lose touch. . ."
Neville nodded, eyes shining with both tears and anticipation, and pulled Harry into a hug.
"Thanks for being my friend, Harry. I'll miss you."
Harry squeezed Neville's shoulder and, eyes full of tears, left the Infirmary.
********************************
He didn't go back to potions, but wandered around the school until his feet ached. He briefly considered going back to the Gryffindor common room but changed his mind. Some nasty sixth sense told him that the Gryffindors would have heard about Neville's attempt and would probably blame him like McGonagall had.
Well, it was his fault anyway. He should have done something. Neville could be dead by now. . .
He didn't know where he was. Somehow he had got lost in the dungeons and didn't know which rooms or corridors lead where. But instead of panic he felt relief. Because if he didn't know where he was, then nobody could find him.
"Potter."
Bugger. Ok, maybe someone could find him.
"What are you doing here?"
Draco's voice wasn't wholly unkind, slightly confused maybe. The boy had become nicer this year. He crouched down next to Harry. Harry didn't even realise that he had sat down.
"I heard about Longbottom. I'm sorry."
Harry shrugged listlessly. He felt like all the energy had been drained out of his body, and every movement was a huge effort. It was his fault, all his fault, all my fault. . .
"Harry? Are you ok?"
Harry forced a plastic smile onto his face and nodded.
"I'm fine. Better be going back to my dormitories though. . .before Snape catches me and. . ."
"Twenty points from Gryffindor?"
Harry gulped at the sound of the voice behind him. Just what he so didn't need.
"Sorry professor, I was just. . .going back to my common room."
Snape sneered as Harry fled, and then stepped back a pace as Draco glowered at him.
"You ignored him, didn't you? Your own son - your own bloody family and you just pretend it isn't real? How can you do that?"
Snape pressed his face very close to Draco's and had the satisfaction of seeing the boy flinch back.
"He is no relative of mine. He is a Potter, and if I ever hear again from you that there is any relation between us then you will be very sorry."
Fury etched on his pale and pointed features, Draco turned away, but not before hissing at his teacher.
"You bastard"
Snape grabbed Draco roughly by the shoulders.
"Don't you dare talk to me in that way. My personal life is none of your business."
Draco shook his head in a mixture of disbelief and anger and turned away, but this time Snape didn't try to stop him.
There! It's finished! The story will now start to get happier. . .in some respects. . .
However with Neville's friendship he had come out of his depression a little and was beginning to live again as he had before the summer holidays. He and Neville had become close friends, having more in common than they ever would have realised. Neville had a great sense of humour and constantly had Harry laughing.
Then something happened which changed everything. Harry was on his way to Herbology when he realised he'd left his gloves in the dormitory. He quickly went up the long winding corridors and gasped the password at the Fat Lady who swung open excruciatingly slowly. As soon as he could fit through he burst up the stairs and flung open the door to the dormitory. Afterwards he didn't know if Neville hadn't heard him or whether he had not cared about the footsteps. Harry had assumed that Neville would already be in Herbology but he didn't seem to be. In fact, he seemed to be standing in the middle of the dormitory slicing the pale skin of his forearm with a beautifully ornate knife. With his sleeve pushed up Harry could see cuts in varying degrees of healing, just before Neville snatched his sleeve down, looking worried and angry at the same time.
Silently Harry walked over to Neville who had frozen and pried the knife out of his hand, flinching slightly at the warm sticky blood which smeared his palm.
"Why?" Neville shrugged and, not knowing why, Harry smashed the knife with a well placed spell. Neville gasped, eyes flashing.
"My nan got me that!"
"Yeah, and I bet she wouldn't have wanted you to use it for that!"
Neville squirmed.
"I'll stop. Just. . .forget it" he said. Harry nodded silently and the two boys headed down to herbology.
*********************************************
But Harry didn't forget it. He tried to subtly raise the subject a few times over the next few days even though Neville would not take the hints. After that he didn't say anything, but his worry continued.
Over those few days, life continued as normal - or as normal as Harry Potter's life could ever be. He continued to be upset deep down by Snape's rejection of him, he continued his studies in Transfiguration and the Duelling with Flitwick. He still couldn't achieve a flawless shield, and it could be shattered with relative ease, but it might protect him from one strong curse and save his life. Then Harry had a very nasty surprise. He entered the charms classroom to partake in his now daily work-out, to find that Flitwick was not there. Then Dumbledore stepped out of the shadows, smiling as Harry's wand instinctively flew into his hand.
"I'm glad to see your reflexes are up to scratch, Harry. Now, Professor Flitwick will not be teaching you any longer. Obviously he is a light wizard and always has been. However, when you duel with Dark Wizards many things may be different. Therefore we have managed to find a new duelling partner for you!"
Harry's uneasy feeling grew with Dumbledore's grin. At a wave of his hand a cloaked and masked person stepped out of the shadows and Dumbledore disappeared. All of a sudden it came flooding back to Harry; the death eaters laughing, Cedric's lifeless body on the ground, eyes staring blankly up at the night sky. His breath came in short sharp bursts and he dropped to his knees shaking, hands over his eyes. He felt the Death Eater moving closer, and heard the voices in his head, of his parents, of Cedric, of Snape, of Vernon. He trembled uncontrollably, willing it to all go away, but it didn't. Still the footsteps advanced and he threw himself across the floor frantically trying to escape. The footsteps stopped and there was an audible sigh.
"Merlin, Potter, you are useless. 10 points from Gryffindor for excessive cowardice."
Harry flinched at the icy tones of Snape.
"Up"
He rose numbly and held out his wand with trembling hands wondering if Snape had any idea how scared he was. Probably he did; the man missed very little. Unconsciously Harry put up his shields, and waited. That was a big mistake.
"Passa!"
Knives dug into Harry's body, he felt them puncture his skin and organs, felt the searing pain. . .and then he was writhing on the floor, memories of Vernon which not even Snape knew about flooding into his mind, the knives piercing his very brain. . .and then nothing. And he almost missed the feeling, because it made him feel like he was being punished for getting Cedric and his parents killed. . .
And then Snape spoke, and his words cut through Harry like glass.
"What a disgrace to your parent's memories you are, Potter. Cowering at the slightest sign of pain. I might have expected greater bravery from a Gryffindor at least. How pathetic."
His face wasn't visible behind the mask, but Harry could sense the sneer.
"Just go to your next lesson, and pray."
"Why, sir?"
"Why? What. You must pray that someone as arrogant as you tries to defeat Voldemort, because you have no chance. Now go!"
Harry fled, his heart breaking into a thousand little shards.
*******************************************
3 days later. . .
He was acutely aware of the lack of Neville beside him. He hadn't seen his new best friend since breakfast. He had looked pale, and said he was going to Madam Pomfrey, refusing to let Harry accompany him. Without Neville, Harry felt very conspicuous and very alone. At the end of Transfiguration McGonagall pulled him back.
"Where is Neville, Harry?"
"He was feeling ill - he went to the hospital wing."
McGonagall's face creased slightly.
"That's unusual. . .oh, of course. . .today is the day his parents. . .I'll just visit him and see if he's alright."
"Can I come?" asked Harry
"No, you may visit during the lunch break." Reluctantly Harry nodded and left for Potions.
"Potter! Is my lesson so fearfully boring that you must fall asleep?"
"No, sorry sir."
"20 points from Gryffindor. Stay awake next time I ask you a question."
Harry flushed slightly as he had answered the question perfectly well, but fell silent. Snape was smirking at harry and he suddenly had a very bad feeling the professor was going to poison him or do something equally nasty.
However before he could, there was a knock at the door. It was McGonagall, looking shocked. Tears were rolling down her cheeks.
"Harry. . .you must come now. . .oh, it's so terrible. . ."
Startled, Harry looked at Snape, who was looking at amazement at the normally collected Transfiguration witch. The Potions master nodded sharply and Harry stood up, his stool scraping horribly in the suffocating silence. As he walked towards the door and saw the pitying look in McGonagall's eyes he realised what it was, and his breath hitched.
Neville.
He took a deep breath, trying to stop his legs from buckling. Why? Why had he left him? Why had he never made Neville talk; why had he never told anyone else? McGonagall swept ahead, pausing every so often to shoot him sympathetic looks, and too soon they were at the Hospital Wing.
Harry paused at the door, hands shaking. He suddenly realised he was too weak; too pathetic to do this. He was terrified. But these thoughts came too late as his legs carried him over the threshold. Neville was behind a curtain, eyes gently closed and wrists bandaged all the way up to his elbows. The boy looked happier than Harry could ever remember him being, and for that he felt a fresh pang of guilt. Could he have saved him if he had been a better friend?
McGonagall laid a hand on Harry's arm.
"He'll be ok, physically. Thank Merlin we reached him in time. His arms were already scarred. Did. . .did you know?"
Silently, guilt flooding him and suffusing his face red, Harry nodded staring at the floor. As he had expected, McGonagall exploded.
"You knew? You knew and you never told anyone? He could have died! How would you have felt with his death on your hands?"
Harry felt sick with anger and shame. It was his fault. . .all his fault.
Just then Madam Pomfrey came in.
"Minerva, Neville's Gran just flew in. Will you go and meet her?"
McGonagall nodded, and left with a final evil glare at Harry, who sat next to Neville. To his surprise, Neville woke up.
"Nev! How are you feeling?"
Neville was silent for a long moment. The moment grew, and in that silence Harry realised that Neville would be leaving.
"Will you be glad to go?"
Neville nodded.
"I'll miss you, Harry. . .it's just that I never really fitted in here - I don't have the magical ability. I'll make a better job at a new life. I'm sorry. . ."
Harry shook his head, aware that his eyes were growing misty.
"Can I see. . .your arms?"
Neville peeled back the bandages and Harry felt a jolt of. . .something. . .push in his stomach. There were three deep gashes on each wrist, and countless long scars littering the pale arms. It looked disgusting but fascinating, in a twisted sort of way. He pulled his eyes away with an effort, hearing footsteps arrive.
"Owl me, ok Nev? Don't lose touch. . ."
Neville nodded, eyes shining with both tears and anticipation, and pulled Harry into a hug.
"Thanks for being my friend, Harry. I'll miss you."
Harry squeezed Neville's shoulder and, eyes full of tears, left the Infirmary.
********************************
He didn't go back to potions, but wandered around the school until his feet ached. He briefly considered going back to the Gryffindor common room but changed his mind. Some nasty sixth sense told him that the Gryffindors would have heard about Neville's attempt and would probably blame him like McGonagall had.
Well, it was his fault anyway. He should have done something. Neville could be dead by now. . .
He didn't know where he was. Somehow he had got lost in the dungeons and didn't know which rooms or corridors lead where. But instead of panic he felt relief. Because if he didn't know where he was, then nobody could find him.
"Potter."
Bugger. Ok, maybe someone could find him.
"What are you doing here?"
Draco's voice wasn't wholly unkind, slightly confused maybe. The boy had become nicer this year. He crouched down next to Harry. Harry didn't even realise that he had sat down.
"I heard about Longbottom. I'm sorry."
Harry shrugged listlessly. He felt like all the energy had been drained out of his body, and every movement was a huge effort. It was his fault, all his fault, all my fault. . .
"Harry? Are you ok?"
Harry forced a plastic smile onto his face and nodded.
"I'm fine. Better be going back to my dormitories though. . .before Snape catches me and. . ."
"Twenty points from Gryffindor?"
Harry gulped at the sound of the voice behind him. Just what he so didn't need.
"Sorry professor, I was just. . .going back to my common room."
Snape sneered as Harry fled, and then stepped back a pace as Draco glowered at him.
"You ignored him, didn't you? Your own son - your own bloody family and you just pretend it isn't real? How can you do that?"
Snape pressed his face very close to Draco's and had the satisfaction of seeing the boy flinch back.
"He is no relative of mine. He is a Potter, and if I ever hear again from you that there is any relation between us then you will be very sorry."
Fury etched on his pale and pointed features, Draco turned away, but not before hissing at his teacher.
"You bastard"
Snape grabbed Draco roughly by the shoulders.
"Don't you dare talk to me in that way. My personal life is none of your business."
Draco shook his head in a mixture of disbelief and anger and turned away, but this time Snape didn't try to stop him.
There! It's finished! The story will now start to get happier. . .in some respects. . .