Draco was well and truly confused.
Ok, so he'd been out with a few Slytherin girls. Pansy Parkinson was one which he'd rather not remember. Made him cringe just to remember it. And why had he felt like with the words 'a best friend' his whole stomach had been ripped out?
If he believed in such a thing, Draco would have called it love. But his father had said there was no such thing as love.
He had also claimed there was no such thing as 'good' or 'bad' - only power and those too weak to seek it. And that had been the basis of his choice to leave the Dark Side.
Draco wasn't completely ignorant. He had heard stories about men who. . .liked. . .other men. But he couldn't believe he felt that way about Potter! Or Harry. In fact. . .as he thought about it, he realised he actually did feel attracted. How weird - how revolting! Unfortunately, Draco wasn't one to hang around when he had a question. He hastened down the hallway, nearly running headlong into Harry.
"Harry! Just the person I was looking for!"
Well, thought Draco, in a rare moment of pure stupidity, might as well find out if it works for either of us. . .
He pressed his lips to Harry's, using all the tricks that made his girlfriends melt. Harry jerked away, eyes wide in horror.
"What in the nine fucking hells are you doing?" he spat out. His face was pale. Draco suddenly realised what a stupid thing that had been to do. His silver eyes filled with tears, and his shoulders began to hunch.
"You're gay, aren't you." it was a statement rather than a question. Draco nodded, aware that he was flushing. He felt a tear roll down his cheek, and a soft finger brush it.
"I'm sorry, Draco. I'm completely unattracted to you. I had a feeling. . .earlier. . ."
Draco shook his head and brushed the tears out of his eyes.
"You know, if you want to talk to anyone, Sirius came out when he was about your age. You could write to him or something. . ."
He drew Draco into a strong hug, patting the Slytherin's back gently, before releasing him.
"Look, I really am sorry. I don't want to hurt you."
********************************************************
Draco spent the next day moping in bed. The kiss had confirmed his terrified suspicions - he had enjoyed it. Now he felt dirty and freakish. There was no knowing how long he might have stayed in bed if the insistent tapping of an owl on his headboard hadn't frayed his temper so badly. He wrenched the parchment off it's leg and read it, his customary sneer fading as he scanned the letter.
Dear anonymous person, who I honestly have no clue who you are,
I recently heard that you were feeling in a bit of a predicament from a mutual friend, Harry. It was his idea for me to send you this, and I honestly don't know what was expected. I'm certainly not going to give you a blow-by-blow account of gay sex.
Um, ok, Harry's glaring at me, so I'll just write about myself.
I guess I realised I was gay when I was in my third year at Hogwarts. It was a gradual thing - I never really understood everyone's attraction to girls and then I developed a crush on another student. Which was acutely embarrassing, since he was definitely straight.
I never said anything to him. And there is no way in the nine hells I will tell either you or Harry who it was. No.
But when I did come out, to my friends, it was fine. The wizarding world is much more accepting than the Muggle world. Of course, there are some families who regard homosexuality as the worst curse, but they are few and far between.
Um, yeah. So whoever you are, random person who Harry's made me owl, let me know if you've got any questions etc. Just use this bird.
Yours,
A mutual friend of Harry's.
Draco looked at the letter in amazement, torn between laughing and crying.
Maybe a best friend wasn't such a bad substitute for a lover.
*******************************************
Christmas arrived quickly, and one day after Transfiguration Professor McGonagall summoned Harry to Dumbledore's office. Harry had a horrible feeling he knew what was coming.
"Harry, I'll cut straight to the point" said Dumbledore, his eyes only twinkling slightly over the top of a shortbread biscuit. "We are making all students stay at Hogwarts over the Christmas Holiday."
Harry was slightly puzzled.
"But, sir, I always stay here. . ."
"Ah, but I think it would be a better idea this year to mix the students up inside their houses. It will help the school to stick together. Hmm, yes, a very good idea f I do say so myself"
Dumbledore smiled genially and, having finished his biscuit, popped a lemon drop in his mouth. They sat in silence for a moment, Harry apprehensive, Dumbledore merely enjoying the muggle sweet. Finally Harry spoke.
"Sir, I don't think that was all you were going to tell me. . ."
"Ah no, Harry. You see, some students will be staying with teachers. You and Mr Malfoy will have professor Snape. I thought that it would be good for you to make a bit more of a link."
Harry's heart gave a startled squeak and dived down to nestle, quivering, in his trainers. He unconsciously groaned, and Dumbledore smiled.
"Now now, Harry, I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. You should get back to your lessons now."
The teenager slunk out looking thoroughly dejected.
********************************************
"You want WHAT!?!" bellowed Snape, his face twisted into a most unbecoming sneer.
"Now, Severus, I'm sure it won't be that bad. It's only three weeks. . ."
"Albus, I told you quite clearly that I CANNOT become attached to the boy. Not until the war is over."
The headmaster's eyes darkened and despite himself Snape flinched slightly.
"And what if the war never ends? What if you both die? You will never have known having a family. Believe it or not, Severus, love will make you both stronger. You are destroying Harry. He wants your affection, and I have seen the way you treat him. One moment you seem to detest him, then you give him a chance; have a civil conversation; and snatch it back."
Snape's shoulders fell.
"I'm just trying to do what's best" he said softly.
***************************************************
Dumbledore refused to back down, beginning to get annoyed whenever Harry or Snape approached him with complaints. So, on the first day of the holidays, Harry found himself standing awkwardly outside a portrait of a wizard with a snake wrapped around his shoulders. As Harry watched, the Snake twisted it's body into curves and curls. It also seemed to change colours, from turquoise to pale yellow. He was so engrossed in the snake that when the wizard asked what he wanted, he replied directly to the snake.
"I'm here to see Professor Snape. I have to stay with him for the holidays."
"A parseltongue!" exclaimed the wizard, also in the snake language. "I was getting so bored with only Silos for company.
The snake glared at his master, flickering his tongue in he man's face, and hissed, "You're no great converssationalisst yoursself. . ."
Harry smirked, and the two figures looked at him in surprise.
"What?"
"You look exactly like Severus when you do that."
"Greasy git. . ." hissed Silos.
The wizard smiled.
"Silos can't stand the fact that he can understand Severus but not talk back to him. Severus may have made some inappropriate comments about my friend in the past. . ."
"He called me a slimy serpent and said that all snakes should be killed!"
"Yes, well, I'm sure he didn't mean it offensively. . ."
The snake snorted and pointed it's tail at Harry.
"Don't you think he should let him in?"
Just as he said this, and Harry hissed back that he would actually rather wait outside thank you very much, the Portrait was slammed open from inside. Harry had just enough time to register Silos' grumble of 'Snarky bastard' before he was unceremoniously deposited on the floor inside the dungeon.
"I don't suppose you considered knocking, did you?"
Harry shrugged, smiling innocently into the face of his father.
"The snake was nice. He doesn't seem to like you very much though."
"Wha - oh, of course. Bloody show off." Snarled Snape, which just made Harry smirk even more. From the corner there was a low chuckle and Harry spun around to see Draco. His face broke out into a slightly concerned smile. There was the sound of a slamming door which marked Snape's departure and Harry sat next to Draco on the sofa in a slightly awkward silence.
"Thanks. . .for getting your godfather to write to me. I really appreciate that." Said Draco softly, and Harry smiled. They never spoke of it again.
*****************************************
Harry and Draco stayed up that night until about 11.00 doing their homework. Snape had disappeared into some other room of his quarters, completely ignoring both boys. Eventually, Draco put down his Charms scroll and looked at Harry.
"Does it confuse you?"
Harry didn't have to ask what he was talking about.
"Yes. Sometimes he's a complete bastard to me, and says that there's no relation between us, and that he can't be a father - then sometimes he's nice and kind and it seems like there might be a chance. . ."
Harry dissolved into tears, much to his shock. He hadn't been able to talk to anyone about this, and it hurt so much. He felt Draco gently touch his shoulder, worry radiating off the blond boy.
"Harry. . .I. . ."
Draco was cut of short by another voice.
"Draco, you can go to bed now."
Snape was standing in the doorway and from the horrified look on his face Draco assumed that he had heard the entire conversation. Draco quickly fled to the bedroom and began undressing. He didn't want to make Snape angry.
Snape came and sat next to his sobbing son, and awkwardly put a hand on his shoulder. To his amazement, Harry leaned into it a little, and when the hand was not retracted, Harry turned so that his face was buried in Snape's chest. The potions master stroked Harry's back.
"I'm not sure what to say, harry. I am really sorry. . .I didn't know how unfair I was being. . ."
Harry didn't respond, he just kept crying, and Snape didn't know what to say, so he just sat, holding his son.
"It'll get better now, I promise, Harry. It'll all get better now. . ."
***************************************
Eventually Harry managed to stop crying and flopped against Snape's shoulder. Deciding that this was as good a time as any, Snape began the conversation he had been wanting to have with his son for a long time.
"Harry?"
"Mm hmm?"
"Why didn't you tell Dumbledore that those muggles were beating you?"
Harry stiffened and looked like he was about to get back up, but Snape held him back gently.
"I. . .I didn't want him to think I was weak."
"It's not weak!"
Harry sneered. He suddenly looked older and very tired.
"I'm the one who's meant to destroy Voldemort. And I couldn't stand up to a few muggles. Can you imagine what would happen if that news got out?"
Snape was silent for a few moments, and then he realised that Harry was shivering.
"Accio blanket"
Harry looked at him in surprise as the blanket draped over Harry's bony form. Snape supposed that Harry had never really been taken care of.
"It's cold in here, isn't it? I suppose I've grown used to it."
Harry nodded, his eyes half shut.
"Can we talk more in the morning, Harry? There are still some things I need to ask you."
Harry nodded once more, and slipped into a deep sleep. With a slight smile, Snape brushed back a lock of the boy's black hair, revelling in the satisfied grumble that the sleeping boy give off.
Maybe it wasn't too late after all.
-- Well? Whaddya think? Footmonster, you owe me a teacake. They are the nice chocolate ones with marshmallow inside right, not those disgusting things that are like toast with raisins? Umm, anyway. . .exams starting on Monday, 2 novels to read before then, oops. . .so don't hold your breath for updates. And wish me luck for the exams. . .they're like, the mocks for really important exams. REALLY important exams.
Ok, so he'd been out with a few Slytherin girls. Pansy Parkinson was one which he'd rather not remember. Made him cringe just to remember it. And why had he felt like with the words 'a best friend' his whole stomach had been ripped out?
If he believed in such a thing, Draco would have called it love. But his father had said there was no such thing as love.
He had also claimed there was no such thing as 'good' or 'bad' - only power and those too weak to seek it. And that had been the basis of his choice to leave the Dark Side.
Draco wasn't completely ignorant. He had heard stories about men who. . .liked. . .other men. But he couldn't believe he felt that way about Potter! Or Harry. In fact. . .as he thought about it, he realised he actually did feel attracted. How weird - how revolting! Unfortunately, Draco wasn't one to hang around when he had a question. He hastened down the hallway, nearly running headlong into Harry.
"Harry! Just the person I was looking for!"
Well, thought Draco, in a rare moment of pure stupidity, might as well find out if it works for either of us. . .
He pressed his lips to Harry's, using all the tricks that made his girlfriends melt. Harry jerked away, eyes wide in horror.
"What in the nine fucking hells are you doing?" he spat out. His face was pale. Draco suddenly realised what a stupid thing that had been to do. His silver eyes filled with tears, and his shoulders began to hunch.
"You're gay, aren't you." it was a statement rather than a question. Draco nodded, aware that he was flushing. He felt a tear roll down his cheek, and a soft finger brush it.
"I'm sorry, Draco. I'm completely unattracted to you. I had a feeling. . .earlier. . ."
Draco shook his head and brushed the tears out of his eyes.
"You know, if you want to talk to anyone, Sirius came out when he was about your age. You could write to him or something. . ."
He drew Draco into a strong hug, patting the Slytherin's back gently, before releasing him.
"Look, I really am sorry. I don't want to hurt you."
********************************************************
Draco spent the next day moping in bed. The kiss had confirmed his terrified suspicions - he had enjoyed it. Now he felt dirty and freakish. There was no knowing how long he might have stayed in bed if the insistent tapping of an owl on his headboard hadn't frayed his temper so badly. He wrenched the parchment off it's leg and read it, his customary sneer fading as he scanned the letter.
Dear anonymous person, who I honestly have no clue who you are,
I recently heard that you were feeling in a bit of a predicament from a mutual friend, Harry. It was his idea for me to send you this, and I honestly don't know what was expected. I'm certainly not going to give you a blow-by-blow account of gay sex.
Um, ok, Harry's glaring at me, so I'll just write about myself.
I guess I realised I was gay when I was in my third year at Hogwarts. It was a gradual thing - I never really understood everyone's attraction to girls and then I developed a crush on another student. Which was acutely embarrassing, since he was definitely straight.
I never said anything to him. And there is no way in the nine hells I will tell either you or Harry who it was. No.
But when I did come out, to my friends, it was fine. The wizarding world is much more accepting than the Muggle world. Of course, there are some families who regard homosexuality as the worst curse, but they are few and far between.
Um, yeah. So whoever you are, random person who Harry's made me owl, let me know if you've got any questions etc. Just use this bird.
Yours,
A mutual friend of Harry's.
Draco looked at the letter in amazement, torn between laughing and crying.
Maybe a best friend wasn't such a bad substitute for a lover.
*******************************************
Christmas arrived quickly, and one day after Transfiguration Professor McGonagall summoned Harry to Dumbledore's office. Harry had a horrible feeling he knew what was coming.
"Harry, I'll cut straight to the point" said Dumbledore, his eyes only twinkling slightly over the top of a shortbread biscuit. "We are making all students stay at Hogwarts over the Christmas Holiday."
Harry was slightly puzzled.
"But, sir, I always stay here. . ."
"Ah, but I think it would be a better idea this year to mix the students up inside their houses. It will help the school to stick together. Hmm, yes, a very good idea f I do say so myself"
Dumbledore smiled genially and, having finished his biscuit, popped a lemon drop in his mouth. They sat in silence for a moment, Harry apprehensive, Dumbledore merely enjoying the muggle sweet. Finally Harry spoke.
"Sir, I don't think that was all you were going to tell me. . ."
"Ah no, Harry. You see, some students will be staying with teachers. You and Mr Malfoy will have professor Snape. I thought that it would be good for you to make a bit more of a link."
Harry's heart gave a startled squeak and dived down to nestle, quivering, in his trainers. He unconsciously groaned, and Dumbledore smiled.
"Now now, Harry, I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. You should get back to your lessons now."
The teenager slunk out looking thoroughly dejected.
********************************************
"You want WHAT!?!" bellowed Snape, his face twisted into a most unbecoming sneer.
"Now, Severus, I'm sure it won't be that bad. It's only three weeks. . ."
"Albus, I told you quite clearly that I CANNOT become attached to the boy. Not until the war is over."
The headmaster's eyes darkened and despite himself Snape flinched slightly.
"And what if the war never ends? What if you both die? You will never have known having a family. Believe it or not, Severus, love will make you both stronger. You are destroying Harry. He wants your affection, and I have seen the way you treat him. One moment you seem to detest him, then you give him a chance; have a civil conversation; and snatch it back."
Snape's shoulders fell.
"I'm just trying to do what's best" he said softly.
***************************************************
Dumbledore refused to back down, beginning to get annoyed whenever Harry or Snape approached him with complaints. So, on the first day of the holidays, Harry found himself standing awkwardly outside a portrait of a wizard with a snake wrapped around his shoulders. As Harry watched, the Snake twisted it's body into curves and curls. It also seemed to change colours, from turquoise to pale yellow. He was so engrossed in the snake that when the wizard asked what he wanted, he replied directly to the snake.
"I'm here to see Professor Snape. I have to stay with him for the holidays."
"A parseltongue!" exclaimed the wizard, also in the snake language. "I was getting so bored with only Silos for company.
The snake glared at his master, flickering his tongue in he man's face, and hissed, "You're no great converssationalisst yoursself. . ."
Harry smirked, and the two figures looked at him in surprise.
"What?"
"You look exactly like Severus when you do that."
"Greasy git. . ." hissed Silos.
The wizard smiled.
"Silos can't stand the fact that he can understand Severus but not talk back to him. Severus may have made some inappropriate comments about my friend in the past. . ."
"He called me a slimy serpent and said that all snakes should be killed!"
"Yes, well, I'm sure he didn't mean it offensively. . ."
The snake snorted and pointed it's tail at Harry.
"Don't you think he should let him in?"
Just as he said this, and Harry hissed back that he would actually rather wait outside thank you very much, the Portrait was slammed open from inside. Harry had just enough time to register Silos' grumble of 'Snarky bastard' before he was unceremoniously deposited on the floor inside the dungeon.
"I don't suppose you considered knocking, did you?"
Harry shrugged, smiling innocently into the face of his father.
"The snake was nice. He doesn't seem to like you very much though."
"Wha - oh, of course. Bloody show off." Snarled Snape, which just made Harry smirk even more. From the corner there was a low chuckle and Harry spun around to see Draco. His face broke out into a slightly concerned smile. There was the sound of a slamming door which marked Snape's departure and Harry sat next to Draco on the sofa in a slightly awkward silence.
"Thanks. . .for getting your godfather to write to me. I really appreciate that." Said Draco softly, and Harry smiled. They never spoke of it again.
*****************************************
Harry and Draco stayed up that night until about 11.00 doing their homework. Snape had disappeared into some other room of his quarters, completely ignoring both boys. Eventually, Draco put down his Charms scroll and looked at Harry.
"Does it confuse you?"
Harry didn't have to ask what he was talking about.
"Yes. Sometimes he's a complete bastard to me, and says that there's no relation between us, and that he can't be a father - then sometimes he's nice and kind and it seems like there might be a chance. . ."
Harry dissolved into tears, much to his shock. He hadn't been able to talk to anyone about this, and it hurt so much. He felt Draco gently touch his shoulder, worry radiating off the blond boy.
"Harry. . .I. . ."
Draco was cut of short by another voice.
"Draco, you can go to bed now."
Snape was standing in the doorway and from the horrified look on his face Draco assumed that he had heard the entire conversation. Draco quickly fled to the bedroom and began undressing. He didn't want to make Snape angry.
Snape came and sat next to his sobbing son, and awkwardly put a hand on his shoulder. To his amazement, Harry leaned into it a little, and when the hand was not retracted, Harry turned so that his face was buried in Snape's chest. The potions master stroked Harry's back.
"I'm not sure what to say, harry. I am really sorry. . .I didn't know how unfair I was being. . ."
Harry didn't respond, he just kept crying, and Snape didn't know what to say, so he just sat, holding his son.
"It'll get better now, I promise, Harry. It'll all get better now. . ."
***************************************
Eventually Harry managed to stop crying and flopped against Snape's shoulder. Deciding that this was as good a time as any, Snape began the conversation he had been wanting to have with his son for a long time.
"Harry?"
"Mm hmm?"
"Why didn't you tell Dumbledore that those muggles were beating you?"
Harry stiffened and looked like he was about to get back up, but Snape held him back gently.
"I. . .I didn't want him to think I was weak."
"It's not weak!"
Harry sneered. He suddenly looked older and very tired.
"I'm the one who's meant to destroy Voldemort. And I couldn't stand up to a few muggles. Can you imagine what would happen if that news got out?"
Snape was silent for a few moments, and then he realised that Harry was shivering.
"Accio blanket"
Harry looked at him in surprise as the blanket draped over Harry's bony form. Snape supposed that Harry had never really been taken care of.
"It's cold in here, isn't it? I suppose I've grown used to it."
Harry nodded, his eyes half shut.
"Can we talk more in the morning, Harry? There are still some things I need to ask you."
Harry nodded once more, and slipped into a deep sleep. With a slight smile, Snape brushed back a lock of the boy's black hair, revelling in the satisfied grumble that the sleeping boy give off.
Maybe it wasn't too late after all.
-- Well? Whaddya think? Footmonster, you owe me a teacake. They are the nice chocolate ones with marshmallow inside right, not those disgusting things that are like toast with raisins? Umm, anyway. . .exams starting on Monday, 2 novels to read before then, oops. . .so don't hold your breath for updates. And wish me luck for the exams. . .they're like, the mocks for really important exams. REALLY important exams.