Author's Note: (because this fic needs it) Okay, this may be one of a series of unconnected songfics.  I got the ideas for these after listening to songs by Stephen Lynch (love that guy) and if you know who he is you also know that these will be...strange.  And disturbing.  And very possibly squicky.  Most of 'em will be Stephen Lynch, but I have some ideas for others.

Even if you don't read lyrics in songfics (believe me, I skip 'em always) READ THESE!  You HAVE to in order to understand the story.

Warnings: Inappropriate language, OOCness.  And more.  Oh, almost citrus/lime... uh, yeah.  YAY!

~

"If I Were Gay"

Song by Stephen Lynch

Disturbing story by Chiizu

~

/Here we are

Dear old friend

You and I

Drunk again/

Heero Yuy never expected to be drunk.  Certainly not twice.  And definitely not twice in two days.

And yet, here he was, chugging down yet another bottle of whiskey in a crowded bar.  He knew he was pretty damn drunk considering the things he spotted floating across his vision.  Like the extra sets of arms the bartender seemed to grow from time to time.

/Laughs have been had

Tears have been shed

Maybe the whisky's gone to my head.../

Yes, life was damn good.  The war was over.  He and Duo were living next door to each other in an apartment building in Sanc.  He turned his head to look at his braided companion who was sitting next to Heero, though probably not as drunk.

How the hell did that happen?

Heero's mouth opened as he observed the man next to him, "Y'know, maybe the drinks're gettin' t'me, but..."

/But if I were gay

I would give you my heart/

"Huh?" Duo said intelligently.

"I said..."

/And if I were gay

You'd be my work of art/

"Wait...wha?" Duo asked, sidling closer to his companion.

/And if I were gay

We would swim in romance/

"Heero?" Duo slurred, eyes lighting up.  This was it; his chance!

/But I'm not gay.../

Duo's heart deflated.

Along with a few other pieces of anatomy.

/...So get your hand out of my pants.../

Duo froze, the nerve signals from his hand finally, belatedly, making their way to his brain and realizing where it was.

Shit.

/It's not that I don't care

I do/

"Uh, sorry Heero, I jus'... uh..."

But Heero was still talking.

Well, it was more like rambling.

He really WAS drunk.

/I just don't see myself

In you/

Duo was cradling one hand to his body as his other hand reached out for his drink.  He was listening to Heero's babbling with half an ear as he furtively lifted the empty hand to his nose.

Smelled like Heero.

/Another time

Another scene/

A lazy grin stretched across Duo's face as he took another gulp.

/I'd be right behind you...

If you know what I mean/

...and promptly spit it out all over the bartender.

/But if I were gay

I would give you my soul/

Duo's hastily made and barely comprehensible apologies to the bartender stumbled over themselves to get out of his mouth.

Oh God, he had to get Heero out of there.

People were staring.

And the drunken words were rousing some annoying reactions from him.

/And if I were gay

I would give you my hole.../

Duo, standing up to escort Heero out, promptly fell on his ass as the Japanese man paused his tirade to take a drink.

/being!/

Duo's face approached a tomato-like state as Heero completed the sentence.

/And if I were gay

We would tear down the walls/

Duo pulled Heero's hand, but the stoic ex-solder was like a rock.

Duo gave another tug...

/But I'm not gay/

...And promptly fell backwards as Heero fell out of his seat to land...

Right on top of him.

/So won't you stop cupping my.../

Realization of their position flooded Duo's mind.  He was sure he could see smoke rising off of his burning face.

/Hand!/

Duo's hands were quickly removed from the body parts they'd been resting against and Duo attempted to wiggle free of Heero's mass, which was centered right on top of him.  It wasn't working, though.

This was starting to get annoying.

These pants were starting to get tight.

/We've never hugged

We've never kissed/

Okay, that was true, Duo thought with some regret.  Not that he hadn't tried, of course, he had!  But Heero wasn't the most touchy-feely person in the world.

Usually.

Heero shifted his weight.

/I've never been intimate

With your fist!/

Oh, crap.  He'd just moved that hand and now, after Heero's shifted weight, his hand was once again resting on a rather...inappropriate place.

/You have opened

Brand new doors/

This was freaking him out.

Duo pushed and rolled, starting to run away from the obvious imposter in Heero's body.

/Get over here and/

Duo's hand was snagged.

/Drop/

The grip on his arm pulled him backwards and sent him toppling right onto Heero, in the middle of a crowded bar, with everyone there (who was still conscious) watching.

/Your/

Fuck.

/Drawers!/

Duo gaped.

Fuck.