Author's Notes: Well, this one was requested and, after taking a look at it, I realized that I simply had to do it.  It practically wrote itself.  This one...less squicky.  Yeah, I know, disappointing, but read on!

Again, in this particular piece: reading lyrics=happy!  Otherwise it's a pretty boring story.  ^.~

Warnings: Ah...humor, language, OOCness?  Wufei.  Yes, that's a warning, but you just keep reading!  Oh hell, does anyone care about the warnings?

~

"Superhero"

Song by Stephen Lynch

Screwed story by Chiizu

~

Wufei never meant to be wandering the streets this late at night.  Ever.  In his life.  In his mind two o'clock in the morning was past all sane bedtimes.  And yet, here he was halfway in between a tattoo parlor and a porn shop, stalking down the middle of the sidewalk like he owned the place.

Hey, he was a Preventer, he did.

He'd always wanted to be looked up to.  No, not like the bums were looking up at him from their position sitting on the ground, like as a role model.  Even as a child that had been his dream.

/If I could be a superhero

I would be...Awesome Man

I'd fly around the world fighting crime

According to my Awesome Plan/

More specifically, he'd wanted to be a superhero.

Looking around he decided that this place needed a superhero.  It was damn filthy.

/And if I saw criminals trying to lie

Hurting other people and making them cry

I'd haul them off to jail in my Awesome Van

'Cause I would be Awesome Man/

For example, if he were a superhero he could stop the robber currently holding a gun to that cashier's head inside the liquor store to his left...

...disregard that at the moment he had a gun in his pocket and every authorization to use it.

Oh, well.

/Now some criminals want you to be a criminal, and they offer you things like drugs, and alcohol.  But we know what to do kids!  We just say "no!"

If I could be a superhero

I would be...Drug-Free Boy

Telling the world of the evils of drugs

And all of the lives they destroy/

Drugs.  Now there was a sure-fire path down to hell.  He snorted.  Idiots do drugs.  Chang Wufei was not an idiot.  Therefore, Chang Wufei did not do drugs.

It was like math.

/Well I'd take all the junkies - he's getting so high

With their needles and bongs and their sticks made of tie

As I burned them alive I would squeal with joy

'Cause I would be Drug-Free Boy/

And those filthy junkies--lying passed out in the alleys like they owned the city--who would want to be like them?!

/If I could be a superhero

I'd be immigration dude

I'd send all the foreigners back to their homes

For eating up all of our food/

Immigrants, that's who.

Wufei nodded.

Filthy foreigners.  They took all the good positions at the Preventers, leaving Chang Wufei with scraps.

Okay, maybe not scraps...more like a TV dinner.

He hated TV dinners.

/And taking all our welfare and best jobs to boot

Like landscaping, dishwashing, and picking our fruit

I'd pass a lot of laws to get rid of their brood

'Cause I'd be immigration dude/

Yup, that was what was wrong with the world.  Immigrants.

He nodded again.

After all, that bastard was an immigrant.

Immigrant bastard.

Now kids, you could make up your very own superhero. If you could, who would it be?

If you could be a superhero

Would you be justice guy?

Make sure people get what they deserve

Especially women who lie/

If he had his way...

/Like if a wife left her husband with three kids and no job

To run off to fucking Hawaii with some doctor named Bob

You could skin them and drain them of blood so they'd die...especially Bob

Then you would be justice guy/

Wufei cackled menacingly at his thoughts, frightening some punk walking by.  The insanely cackling Chinese man didn't notice, however, caught up in his gore-filled thoughts as he was.

/Or, you could be more subtle

No, I didn't mean to be vague

Give her the mad cow disease; let him die of the plague/

A cluster of a few hookers standing around a nearby streetlight eyed him uneasily and decided to move....

His fanatical, gleeful screeches haunted them all the way to the next city.

/As long as they suffer for their terrible lie...especially Bob

Then you would be justice guy/

Yes, kill...KILL!

/Yes, then you would be, a superhero, like me./

[Next morning, Preventers]

"Yes, Une?  I'd like to take a short vacation.  Oh, shouldn't take more than a few days.  Where?  Oh, Hawaii...."