Disclaimer and notes in the Prologue.
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Chapter 5 - Moria and the Mindless Morons
The trip to Moria was hell for me. I don't know what else I did to piss them off, but Mary was giving me her version of a death glare the entire time when she thought no one was looking.
Moria was huge. That's the only way my simple mind can explain. It was a pretty cool sight though. Not really my style. I'm not into the whole rocky mine thing.
"Dwarf doors are invisible when closed." Gimli said as he tapped on the rock face with his ax.
Gandalf's voice echoed from the front of our troupe. "Yes, Gimli, their own masters cannot find them if their secrets are forgotten."
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Legolas said in a dry tone.
I snickered from behind him. Yes, lucky me had somehow managed to land near him. Two great things came from that experience. I got a great view and pissed Mary off to the extreme.
Kids, life CAN be sweet.
We came to a stop as Gandalf started dusting off a patch of the rock wall. I wasn't paying too much attention and ran into Legolas.
I frowned at him as he turned around to see who had disturbed his elf perfection of standing. "Rude much?" I snapped. "You're the one who stopped without warning, bucko. So don't be giving me that look."
He arched an eyebrow at me with a curious, but mildly amused, look before turning back without a word.
Sigh. He was adorable when he did that. I once again resisted the urge to swoon.
"Well, let's see." Gandalf muttered as he studied the wall. "Ithildin.. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight."
He looked up at the moon as the dark clouds brushed past it. As the glow from the moon fell onto the stone, the carvings began to glow brightly.
"That's quite a beautiful piece of craftsmanship." Sue said, trying to get the attention of Aragorn.
"Too bad we can't say the same about your mind." I muttered.
I thought I heard a small cough, the kind used to cover up a laugh, and I looked to my side to see Boromir next to me. I smiled at him and he nodded, fully composed.
Hazah! I got someone to laugh. Go me go!
Gandalf pointed to the words on the wall as he spoke. "It reads, 'The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter."
"What do you suppose that means?" Merry asked.
Mary gave him a belittling smile. "It's simple, little hobbit. If you are a friend, you speak the password and it shall open."
Our resident wizard nodded in agreement and placed the top of his staff onto the center of the door. "Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen!" Nothing happened. He tried again. "Fennas nogothrim, lasto beth lammen!"
"Nothing's happening." Pippin said.
I stifled a laugh as Gandalf tried pushing the doors. I'm sorry, but it was funny!
Pippin noticed me, and maybe I was contagious, because he had the same look that was no doubt on mine.
I covered my mouth with both hands and let out a giggle and sure enough Pippin let loose too. The others frowned at us and we tried to calm down. Well, Pippin did. Me, I didn't care. This could have been my last chance at laughing, since I'd probably die in the fight.
Luckily Gandalf was so intent on his shoving, that he paid no attention to us.
"I once knew every spell in all the tongues of Elves, Men, and Orcs." The wizard mumbled as he pushed some more.
Pippin, who still had a bit of mirth in his eyes, shame on me for causing it, asked, "What are you going to do then?"
"Knock your head against these doors, Peregin Took!" He yelled at the poor guy, "And if that doesn't shatter them, and I am allowed a little peace from foolish questions, I will try to find the opening words."
Poor Pippin looked down in defeat. I wanted to give him a hug, but I didn't. What is it about hobbits that made you want to just hug them? Is it like a subliminal glamour or something? It draws you just like Las Ketchup does to an ax. I really hate that song of theirs.. I hear that and I want to just go insane and butcher people on the street.
But that isn't the point here.
We all took a break and sat down as Gandalf began to work his mojo. Boredom ensnared the lot of us, or at least me and the hobbits. Merry and Pippin began throwing stones in the water, which we all know what that'd wake up.
Mary and Sue were conversing and casting me suspicious looks.
I was minding my own business and building a tiny tower made of rocks. "Lincoln Logs, eat your heart out. I have a new product. Random Rocks. Build entire cities in centuries. Dwarven lifespan not included."
"What did you say?" Boromir asked me.
I looked over at him with a shrug. "Just talking to myself."
He looked concerned. "Are you all right? You have not seemed yourself lately."
"I'm peachy keen." I sighed at his bewildered look. "I'm fine. Just tired from the long trip." Not to mention paranoid, lonely, and looking forward to my future death scene in like four days.
"This is indeed a long journey." Boromir agreed. "But it must be done."
"Course it does. Because no story is complete with a life changing task." I said. Shrugging, I knocked my building over with a swipe of my hand. "What one builds.. one is destined to destroy." I murmured softly. "Human nature.. build your persona.. and with one mistake.. it can shatter everything."
Thankfully Boromir didn't hear me. Good. I was having a random babbly moment there.
"There is something evil here." Mary said suddenly. Oh wonderful. Here we go. "Do you not feel it, Amalthea?"
Sue ignored her as she walked over to the wall. Gandalf had just sat down in defeat.
Oh god. She was going to steal Frodo's line! No no no!
She smiled as she held her chin in thought. "How amusing!" Gandalf glanced up at her and she continued. "It's a riddle!"
Mary picked up on her cue. "Why of course it is! How could we be so silly and not see it sooner?"
Because the brain the two of you share was busy recharging.
I stood up with a sigh and spotted something move in the water. Hey, maybe I'd die here instead of inside.
"Speak 'friend' and enter!" Mary exclaimed.
Sue nodded happily. "Mellon!"
I was crying on the inside. How can they ruin a moment that belonged to Frodo? Were they planning on taking the ring and destroying it as well?
If they were, I was going to follow them, alive or dead, and push them into the fires myself.
The doors creaked open and the lot of us headed inside.
"Soon, Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves." Gimli announced proudly. "Roaring fires, malt beer, ripe meat off the bone!"
Gandalf lit his staff as we entered the dark. I found myself a place far from the doors and ignored the bodies strewn about. I tried not to turn green at the smell of the place. It was foul and felt almost solid, as it was so thick.
Gimli continued proudly, "This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine!"
I watched as everyone blanched at the sight before them. Mary and Sue really WERE green! Guess they weren't prepared for this either.
"This is no mine." Boromir uttered. "It's a tomb."
The hobbits gasped as they looked down at the body in front of them.
Gimli stared in horror as the realization of the loss struck him. "No.. No!!!!"
Legolas pulled an arrow out of one of the corpses. With one look he told us the culprit. "Goblins."
The men drew their weapons, as did Mary and Sue. Mary whipped out a bow. Oh god. She was going to impress us with her archery.
I whimpered inwardly.
Boromir spoke quietly but sternly. "We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never have come here." His voice rose, "Now, get out of here. Get out!"
They made their way to the exit. Me? I stayed put. I wasn't going out there only to come back in. Screw that. I winced though as Frodo was pulled out from underneath himself.
Damn tentacle beasts. Don't they know their real home is in some echhi manga?
"Frodo!"
"Strider!" Sam cried out.
Then the bestest ranger in the world got busy saving the day of course.
I couldn't really see the action, which was too bad, but I wasn't going out there to risk a peek. I did however see Mary firing her bow. Perfectly I might add.
I felt myself twitch. How I wanted to take one of her arrows and shove it down her pretty little throat.
I take that back. I wanted to be Evil Willow in Season 6 Buffy. All uber badass and black eyed. Full of power. Rip the flesh off her. Drive a bullet slowly in her chest.
Is that too much to ask?
"Into the mines!" Gandalf shouted.
I stood up straighter and got even further away from the door, but it was dark again. I stumbled over a body and landed on top of it with a thud. "Ow.."
The mines shook as the Fellowship, plus two, came running back in. I got to my knees in time to see, and feel, the opening collapse with a mighty rumble.
Everything went black, until Gandalf lit up his staff. "We now have but one choice."
I resisted the urge to sing that lyric, 'You Light Up My Life' as I stood up. My knees hurt from my fall but I'd live. Thanks for asking.
"We must face the long dark of Moria." He said as he walked. "Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world."
Yes there were, Gandalf. We in the real world call them Mary Sues.
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Chapter 5 - Moria and the Mindless Morons
The trip to Moria was hell for me. I don't know what else I did to piss them off, but Mary was giving me her version of a death glare the entire time when she thought no one was looking.
Moria was huge. That's the only way my simple mind can explain. It was a pretty cool sight though. Not really my style. I'm not into the whole rocky mine thing.
"Dwarf doors are invisible when closed." Gimli said as he tapped on the rock face with his ax.
Gandalf's voice echoed from the front of our troupe. "Yes, Gimli, their own masters cannot find them if their secrets are forgotten."
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Legolas said in a dry tone.
I snickered from behind him. Yes, lucky me had somehow managed to land near him. Two great things came from that experience. I got a great view and pissed Mary off to the extreme.
Kids, life CAN be sweet.
We came to a stop as Gandalf started dusting off a patch of the rock wall. I wasn't paying too much attention and ran into Legolas.
I frowned at him as he turned around to see who had disturbed his elf perfection of standing. "Rude much?" I snapped. "You're the one who stopped without warning, bucko. So don't be giving me that look."
He arched an eyebrow at me with a curious, but mildly amused, look before turning back without a word.
Sigh. He was adorable when he did that. I once again resisted the urge to swoon.
"Well, let's see." Gandalf muttered as he studied the wall. "Ithildin.. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight."
He looked up at the moon as the dark clouds brushed past it. As the glow from the moon fell onto the stone, the carvings began to glow brightly.
"That's quite a beautiful piece of craftsmanship." Sue said, trying to get the attention of Aragorn.
"Too bad we can't say the same about your mind." I muttered.
I thought I heard a small cough, the kind used to cover up a laugh, and I looked to my side to see Boromir next to me. I smiled at him and he nodded, fully composed.
Hazah! I got someone to laugh. Go me go!
Gandalf pointed to the words on the wall as he spoke. "It reads, 'The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter."
"What do you suppose that means?" Merry asked.
Mary gave him a belittling smile. "It's simple, little hobbit. If you are a friend, you speak the password and it shall open."
Our resident wizard nodded in agreement and placed the top of his staff onto the center of the door. "Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen!" Nothing happened. He tried again. "Fennas nogothrim, lasto beth lammen!"
"Nothing's happening." Pippin said.
I stifled a laugh as Gandalf tried pushing the doors. I'm sorry, but it was funny!
Pippin noticed me, and maybe I was contagious, because he had the same look that was no doubt on mine.
I covered my mouth with both hands and let out a giggle and sure enough Pippin let loose too. The others frowned at us and we tried to calm down. Well, Pippin did. Me, I didn't care. This could have been my last chance at laughing, since I'd probably die in the fight.
Luckily Gandalf was so intent on his shoving, that he paid no attention to us.
"I once knew every spell in all the tongues of Elves, Men, and Orcs." The wizard mumbled as he pushed some more.
Pippin, who still had a bit of mirth in his eyes, shame on me for causing it, asked, "What are you going to do then?"
"Knock your head against these doors, Peregin Took!" He yelled at the poor guy, "And if that doesn't shatter them, and I am allowed a little peace from foolish questions, I will try to find the opening words."
Poor Pippin looked down in defeat. I wanted to give him a hug, but I didn't. What is it about hobbits that made you want to just hug them? Is it like a subliminal glamour or something? It draws you just like Las Ketchup does to an ax. I really hate that song of theirs.. I hear that and I want to just go insane and butcher people on the street.
But that isn't the point here.
We all took a break and sat down as Gandalf began to work his mojo. Boredom ensnared the lot of us, or at least me and the hobbits. Merry and Pippin began throwing stones in the water, which we all know what that'd wake up.
Mary and Sue were conversing and casting me suspicious looks.
I was minding my own business and building a tiny tower made of rocks. "Lincoln Logs, eat your heart out. I have a new product. Random Rocks. Build entire cities in centuries. Dwarven lifespan not included."
"What did you say?" Boromir asked me.
I looked over at him with a shrug. "Just talking to myself."
He looked concerned. "Are you all right? You have not seemed yourself lately."
"I'm peachy keen." I sighed at his bewildered look. "I'm fine. Just tired from the long trip." Not to mention paranoid, lonely, and looking forward to my future death scene in like four days.
"This is indeed a long journey." Boromir agreed. "But it must be done."
"Course it does. Because no story is complete with a life changing task." I said. Shrugging, I knocked my building over with a swipe of my hand. "What one builds.. one is destined to destroy." I murmured softly. "Human nature.. build your persona.. and with one mistake.. it can shatter everything."
Thankfully Boromir didn't hear me. Good. I was having a random babbly moment there.
"There is something evil here." Mary said suddenly. Oh wonderful. Here we go. "Do you not feel it, Amalthea?"
Sue ignored her as she walked over to the wall. Gandalf had just sat down in defeat.
Oh god. She was going to steal Frodo's line! No no no!
She smiled as she held her chin in thought. "How amusing!" Gandalf glanced up at her and she continued. "It's a riddle!"
Mary picked up on her cue. "Why of course it is! How could we be so silly and not see it sooner?"
Because the brain the two of you share was busy recharging.
I stood up with a sigh and spotted something move in the water. Hey, maybe I'd die here instead of inside.
"Speak 'friend' and enter!" Mary exclaimed.
Sue nodded happily. "Mellon!"
I was crying on the inside. How can they ruin a moment that belonged to Frodo? Were they planning on taking the ring and destroying it as well?
If they were, I was going to follow them, alive or dead, and push them into the fires myself.
The doors creaked open and the lot of us headed inside.
"Soon, Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves." Gimli announced proudly. "Roaring fires, malt beer, ripe meat off the bone!"
Gandalf lit his staff as we entered the dark. I found myself a place far from the doors and ignored the bodies strewn about. I tried not to turn green at the smell of the place. It was foul and felt almost solid, as it was so thick.
Gimli continued proudly, "This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine!"
I watched as everyone blanched at the sight before them. Mary and Sue really WERE green! Guess they weren't prepared for this either.
"This is no mine." Boromir uttered. "It's a tomb."
The hobbits gasped as they looked down at the body in front of them.
Gimli stared in horror as the realization of the loss struck him. "No.. No!!!!"
Legolas pulled an arrow out of one of the corpses. With one look he told us the culprit. "Goblins."
The men drew their weapons, as did Mary and Sue. Mary whipped out a bow. Oh god. She was going to impress us with her archery.
I whimpered inwardly.
Boromir spoke quietly but sternly. "We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never have come here." His voice rose, "Now, get out of here. Get out!"
They made their way to the exit. Me? I stayed put. I wasn't going out there only to come back in. Screw that. I winced though as Frodo was pulled out from underneath himself.
Damn tentacle beasts. Don't they know their real home is in some echhi manga?
"Frodo!"
"Strider!" Sam cried out.
Then the bestest ranger in the world got busy saving the day of course.
I couldn't really see the action, which was too bad, but I wasn't going out there to risk a peek. I did however see Mary firing her bow. Perfectly I might add.
I felt myself twitch. How I wanted to take one of her arrows and shove it down her pretty little throat.
I take that back. I wanted to be Evil Willow in Season 6 Buffy. All uber badass and black eyed. Full of power. Rip the flesh off her. Drive a bullet slowly in her chest.
Is that too much to ask?
"Into the mines!" Gandalf shouted.
I stood up straighter and got even further away from the door, but it was dark again. I stumbled over a body and landed on top of it with a thud. "Ow.."
The mines shook as the Fellowship, plus two, came running back in. I got to my knees in time to see, and feel, the opening collapse with a mighty rumble.
Everything went black, until Gandalf lit up his staff. "We now have but one choice."
I resisted the urge to sing that lyric, 'You Light Up My Life' as I stood up. My knees hurt from my fall but I'd live. Thanks for asking.
"We must face the long dark of Moria." He said as he walked. "Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world."
Yes there were, Gandalf. We in the real world call them Mary Sues.