A/N: My first Alias fanfic, so tell me what you think! A little angsty, I
know, but I'm in a weird mood...
Disclaimer: Alias isn't mine, unfortunatly ;) blah blah blah
Sydney felt her world crashing down. Her life, if you could call her sad existence that, was a mess, a horrible, twisted version of something she was supposed to enjoy. For over two years, ever since she had learned the truth about SD-6, she had managed to keep herself under control, to still find a reason for living this perverted life.
It hurt, lying to everyone she knew. While she told herself that it would ruin their lives if they knew, she couldn't help but think that she was also destroying their lives by not telling them. She kept secrets from everyone. Even Vaughn, the only person she could trust, didn't know everything. But up until now, it had been bearable. But when Marshall, innocent, naïve Marshall, had said those words, those deadly, heartbreaking words...
Hey, you know the best part? I've never been prouder to be one of the good guys.
That had broken her heart. She thought of all the people living a lie, not knowing it. She could tell them, could reveal the lie, but in the process she might destroy their lives even more.
She couldn't take this anymore. The two choices, both equally deadly and yet also salvation. They were tearing her apart.
She stood in front of her house, staring up at the sky. Francie shouldn't be home for a few more hours, she thought to herself. She had the house to herself. A few tears slowly threaded their way down her face. Alone. Always alone. The tears started falling faster.
Strong. You must be strong. There was that inner voice again, nagging at her, trying to help her yet in the end doing more harm than good. But she had grown accustomed to following its advice, and it usually helped. So she wiped away her tears, took a deep breath, and walked up the steps to her house.
Opening the door, she was surprised to find the lights on. It occurred to her that she might be in danger, but she was too detached to care. She walked over to the counter, mimicking her usual actions, and put her bag down on the counter.
Walking past the kitchen, she noticed that Francie was there. She only registered it with dull surprise.
"Hey!" Francie greeted her. "I got off work early, so I came home."
"Oh," her voice was cold and distant. "That's... nice." She walked past.
"Syd?" That was Francie again. "You ok?" Was she ok? Well, considering the life she led, she was a whole lot better than normal. There were no guns, bombs, crazy machines- "Yeah, I'm fine." She started to walk toward her bedroom, but suddenly the door looked far away. She collapsed onto the living room couch.
"Syd, are you sure you're ok?" There was Francie again, nagging her. She leaned back into the couch, drawing her knees up and resting her head on them. How nice it would be, she thought, to really be able to curl up and die.
She felt someone sit down next to her, felt a gentle hand on her arm.
"Sydney, what's wrong?" What's wrong? My life is wrong! Living is wrong! I just want to die!
"N..nothing, Francie. I'm fine. Just tired." She looked up and gave her friend a weak smile.
"Ok..." Francie didn't sound very convinced. Her hand was still on her arm. Just go away, please, just go away. Leave me alone. Let me die in peace.
"Sydney you're shaking!" She was, Sydney realized. She didn't think she had enough energy left for that.
"Sydney, what's wrong? Please, Syd, tell me!" She started. Francie actually sounded worried. Why would anyone care about me? They only use me. I do their work, I do it well, and in return they give me nothing. Promises they never intend to keep. Tears began to well up in her eyes again. A sob ripped itself out of her. She felt a hand on her back, gently rubbing her.
"Sydney, please, tell me what's wrong!" Sydney sat up violently, tearing Francie's hand off her and nearly falling off the couch.
"NOTHING!" she screamed, tears pouring out of her eyes, unstoppable. "There's NOTHING WRONG. Just leave me ALONE!" Spent, unsure where she got all the energy required to scream, she sank back into the couch, shaking violently.
"I'm sorry, Francie, I'm sorry, so sorry, so sorry. Oh, God, I mess everything up! Everything I touch gets destroyed! If I even think about something its ruined, lost, destroyed forever..." she couldn't say anymore, she needed to breath.
"Sydney..." Francie put her hand on her arm again.
"I just want to die!" she cried bitterly. "Why won't anyone just let me die?!?" She broke down again, unable to go on. She was alone, all alone in this great storm raging inside her.
"Because we love you, Syd," Francie said softly, rubbing her back gently.
"Love me." Sydney spat harshly. "If you really loved me you would let me die. Get out of this life. No, nobody loves me. I'm on my own." She began to cry again, harsh, wracking sobs that shook her thin frame.
"Shh, Syd, come here." Francie pulled her into her arms, rubbing her back gently. "It's ok, Syd, I'm here. I'll always be here. It's ok." She stroked her hair, feeling Sydney shake uncontrollably. Her sobs broke Francie's heart. "It's ok, Syd," she murmured over and over. "It's ok."
Finally her shaking stopped, her sobs lessened. She began to breathe evenly, and Francie laid her down on the couch, asleep. Covering her with a blanket, she stood and stared at her with worry-filled eyes.
She picked up her phone and dialed.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Will," she said quietly.
"Francie! Hey. What's up?"
"Did you see Syd today?"
"No, I didn't. Why?"
"She... something's wrong."
"What do you mean?"
"She came home and she was really out of it. She just collapsed on the couch and started crying. She kept saying she... she wanted to die. And Will, I think she meant it."
"Oh my God. I'll come right over."
"No, don't. She fell asleep, you might wake her up. I just wanted to see if you knew what made her so upset."
"No, I don't. Are you sure you don't want me to come over?"
"Yeah, but thanks."
"Sure. And Francie. take care of her, ok? She's been through a lot more than you could imagine."
"Sure, Will. I'll tell you if anything happens."
"Ok. Bye."
"Bye."
Francie hung up the phone and glanced at Sydney. She looked so peaceful when she slept, not worn out by life. And she was so pale. Francie sighed and sat down in a chair next to the couch. She would be there when Sydney woke up. She had to be.
*******************************************************************
TBC.
Disclaimer: Alias isn't mine, unfortunatly ;) blah blah blah
Sydney felt her world crashing down. Her life, if you could call her sad existence that, was a mess, a horrible, twisted version of something she was supposed to enjoy. For over two years, ever since she had learned the truth about SD-6, she had managed to keep herself under control, to still find a reason for living this perverted life.
It hurt, lying to everyone she knew. While she told herself that it would ruin their lives if they knew, she couldn't help but think that she was also destroying their lives by not telling them. She kept secrets from everyone. Even Vaughn, the only person she could trust, didn't know everything. But up until now, it had been bearable. But when Marshall, innocent, naïve Marshall, had said those words, those deadly, heartbreaking words...
Hey, you know the best part? I've never been prouder to be one of the good guys.
That had broken her heart. She thought of all the people living a lie, not knowing it. She could tell them, could reveal the lie, but in the process she might destroy their lives even more.
She couldn't take this anymore. The two choices, both equally deadly and yet also salvation. They were tearing her apart.
She stood in front of her house, staring up at the sky. Francie shouldn't be home for a few more hours, she thought to herself. She had the house to herself. A few tears slowly threaded their way down her face. Alone. Always alone. The tears started falling faster.
Strong. You must be strong. There was that inner voice again, nagging at her, trying to help her yet in the end doing more harm than good. But she had grown accustomed to following its advice, and it usually helped. So she wiped away her tears, took a deep breath, and walked up the steps to her house.
Opening the door, she was surprised to find the lights on. It occurred to her that she might be in danger, but she was too detached to care. She walked over to the counter, mimicking her usual actions, and put her bag down on the counter.
Walking past the kitchen, she noticed that Francie was there. She only registered it with dull surprise.
"Hey!" Francie greeted her. "I got off work early, so I came home."
"Oh," her voice was cold and distant. "That's... nice." She walked past.
"Syd?" That was Francie again. "You ok?" Was she ok? Well, considering the life she led, she was a whole lot better than normal. There were no guns, bombs, crazy machines- "Yeah, I'm fine." She started to walk toward her bedroom, but suddenly the door looked far away. She collapsed onto the living room couch.
"Syd, are you sure you're ok?" There was Francie again, nagging her. She leaned back into the couch, drawing her knees up and resting her head on them. How nice it would be, she thought, to really be able to curl up and die.
She felt someone sit down next to her, felt a gentle hand on her arm.
"Sydney, what's wrong?" What's wrong? My life is wrong! Living is wrong! I just want to die!
"N..nothing, Francie. I'm fine. Just tired." She looked up and gave her friend a weak smile.
"Ok..." Francie didn't sound very convinced. Her hand was still on her arm. Just go away, please, just go away. Leave me alone. Let me die in peace.
"Sydney you're shaking!" She was, Sydney realized. She didn't think she had enough energy left for that.
"Sydney, what's wrong? Please, Syd, tell me!" She started. Francie actually sounded worried. Why would anyone care about me? They only use me. I do their work, I do it well, and in return they give me nothing. Promises they never intend to keep. Tears began to well up in her eyes again. A sob ripped itself out of her. She felt a hand on her back, gently rubbing her.
"Sydney, please, tell me what's wrong!" Sydney sat up violently, tearing Francie's hand off her and nearly falling off the couch.
"NOTHING!" she screamed, tears pouring out of her eyes, unstoppable. "There's NOTHING WRONG. Just leave me ALONE!" Spent, unsure where she got all the energy required to scream, she sank back into the couch, shaking violently.
"I'm sorry, Francie, I'm sorry, so sorry, so sorry. Oh, God, I mess everything up! Everything I touch gets destroyed! If I even think about something its ruined, lost, destroyed forever..." she couldn't say anymore, she needed to breath.
"Sydney..." Francie put her hand on her arm again.
"I just want to die!" she cried bitterly. "Why won't anyone just let me die?!?" She broke down again, unable to go on. She was alone, all alone in this great storm raging inside her.
"Because we love you, Syd," Francie said softly, rubbing her back gently.
"Love me." Sydney spat harshly. "If you really loved me you would let me die. Get out of this life. No, nobody loves me. I'm on my own." She began to cry again, harsh, wracking sobs that shook her thin frame.
"Shh, Syd, come here." Francie pulled her into her arms, rubbing her back gently. "It's ok, Syd, I'm here. I'll always be here. It's ok." She stroked her hair, feeling Sydney shake uncontrollably. Her sobs broke Francie's heart. "It's ok, Syd," she murmured over and over. "It's ok."
Finally her shaking stopped, her sobs lessened. She began to breathe evenly, and Francie laid her down on the couch, asleep. Covering her with a blanket, she stood and stared at her with worry-filled eyes.
She picked up her phone and dialed.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Will," she said quietly.
"Francie! Hey. What's up?"
"Did you see Syd today?"
"No, I didn't. Why?"
"She... something's wrong."
"What do you mean?"
"She came home and she was really out of it. She just collapsed on the couch and started crying. She kept saying she... she wanted to die. And Will, I think she meant it."
"Oh my God. I'll come right over."
"No, don't. She fell asleep, you might wake her up. I just wanted to see if you knew what made her so upset."
"No, I don't. Are you sure you don't want me to come over?"
"Yeah, but thanks."
"Sure. And Francie. take care of her, ok? She's been through a lot more than you could imagine."
"Sure, Will. I'll tell you if anything happens."
"Ok. Bye."
"Bye."
Francie hung up the phone and glanced at Sydney. She looked so peaceful when she slept, not worn out by life. And she was so pale. Francie sighed and sat down in a chair next to the couch. She would be there when Sydney woke up. She had to be.
*******************************************************************
TBC.