The X-Files

The Complete Idiot's Guide To The X-Files Villains, Monsters, and The Unexplainable Really Icky Stuff

Section 1: How To Get That Bile off Your Hands Quickly Without Betraying Your Cool Exterior

So, you've chased a fluke man to his little hidey hole, and now you want to find out what exactly that very strange looking wad of newspaper is. You ask your partner, and she sniffs the air gingerly. "I don't know," is her very helpful response.

Now what to do? Oh, I know! Reach out and touch it! Yeah! They're always doing that in the movies, right? Nothing ever seems to happen to them, unless of course, they touch a ticket stub or a candy counter and all their flesh melts off.

But that's a different story.

So your arm reaches out, and just as you've managed to get a good handful of the stuff, your partner-let's call her Scully- glances at you with a slightly disgusted expression on her face. "Mulder," she says. "I think it's… bile."

And then we come to the whole focus of this chapter: "Is there any way I can quickly get this off my fingers without betraying my cool exterior?"

You can quite gingerly shake it off before realizing that it has congealed to your nails.

You can wipe it on your partner's sleeve, without realizing the quite significant damage that you're doing to her Donna Karen, hundred-dollar suit.

Or, while brimming on hurling yourself, vigorously rub your hand against the cold concrete floor and wonder how much Lysol it will take to get the smell permanently away from you.

Obviously, there are a few good options here. However, there is one thing that we forgot to mention: Run around screaming like a total moron.
That method goes something like this…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! GETITOFFMEGETITOFFMEGETITOFFMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

But of course, you wouldn't want your very skeptical partner who is already seriously considering locking you up (and quite probably has already attempted) to see you like that, now would you?

Didn't think so.

One final note before you proceed to the next chapter…

"The Truth Is Out There" and various other patented X-Files catchphrases.

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